Ended EA with Business Partner. Need support with my deluded mind

[Lorryborry]

4 minutes ago, Bryanp said:

If the roles were revered and your husband engaged in these activities, would you consider it physical and cheating?

Never said it wasnt.   So am I right in believing on LS  a heavy sexual relationship is the same as inappropriate kissing (no tongues) with hugging.  That theree is no difference?

[Lorryborry]

8 minutes ago, Bryanp said:

If the roles were revered and your husband engaged in these activities, would you consider it physical and cheating?

Yes cheating.   But more innocent than full sex

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You have no choice but to use sheer willpower to set boundaries. Part of that is improving areas of vulnerability. "No contact" is not possible in every situation. In fact you should be able to use self control, not run away from your profession to control your feelings. No one is a "moth to flame". We all have free will..

In the 5 years or 2 years (depending on which timeline you believe) the affair has been going on she has been unable to use will power,  its unlikely she will now. 

Sometimes its not about being vulnerable,  sometimes its just who people are. The so called vulnerability is just something used to mask a much darker reality. 

[DKT3]

@Lorryborry, I will be honest.  Your overall tone here is one that comes off as extremely disingenuous. 

I asked you what was the catalyst of this change.  You responded that you just wanted to fix your marriage.  A few days later I'm reading an unrelated topic and you pop in and state your boyfriend is no longer returning your texts and calls.  Ah ha...the real catalyst. 

Point I'm getting at is I don't believe for one second you are at all remorseful about what you've done because I don't believe you actually believe you've done anything wrong since you didn't have oral or vaginal sex. That seems to be the line for you. 

Your justifications for doing this was your husband was emotionally unavailable to you. You've admitted that for most of your marriage you've been sexually unavailable to your husband,  so would you say you would be ok if he had used that as justifications to have carried on a 2 or 5 year physical affair with a coworker?

[Amethyst68]

2 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

My husband never left my mind when with AP. I'm not saying I'm ok or blameless or anyway as vitreous as some ppl but I definitely have morals

So you were thinking of your husband when kissing your AP? Not really what I would call moral....

In your other thread you said you ended the affair 6 months ago now you're saying you've just ended it. Which is it? 

You also said in your thread that you'd stopped texting and messaging except when for business but were complaining in another text that he hadn't texted you recently. 

You constantly downplay your actions. It doesn't matter if you see your actions as a physical affair what matters is if your husband would consider it one if/when he finds out. Don't be surprised if he does find out, some BS have an almost instinctive suspicion of being cheated on. These things can blow up years after the affair has ended

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

Physical = I'm sorry but there is a massive difference between kissing hugging and having full sexual penetration oral or any other way. Big difference

34 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

 So am I right in believing on LS  a heavy sexual relationship is the same as inappropriate kissing (no tongues) with hugging.  That there is no difference?

They are not the same obviously, but the issue is that both cross the "physical" line. So it's a matter of degree. These things can make a big difference in interpretation of "what it meant" for some folks. For example, for some "no touching at all" would be much less of a big deal than "just kissing" (which is presumably less of a big deal than full intercourse). Just as for some "full intercourse" in a drunken ONS situation would be much less of a big deal than an EA that lasted months or years. Affairs sometimes have very blurred lines in terms of how people react to the specifics.

Around here, there is a tendency to "label" anything that crosses the physical line as a PA since, technically, it was physical. That doesn't mean some hugs and kisses are the same as intercourse, but it's also not an unreasonable approach to take.

[usa1ah]

I think you should tell your husband. 
 

How can you really fix a marriage if one doesn’t know the issues. 

[Lorryborry]

Thank you. That's helpful. Stay safe 

[Lorryborry]

7 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

I think you should tell your husband. 
 

How can you really fix a marriage if one doesn’t know the issues. 

Thank you 

[merrmeade]

 

On 1/26/2021 at 4:56 PM, Lorryborry said:

No sex but he wanted to have more. I honestly just wanted friendship and it got out of hand. 

 

19 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

... we are attracted to each other and he has been very vocal about this and very willing to get sexual if I was willing.   

...  Long story he jumped in to support. 

5.  I need to build my life back up.  So I put lots of other safe ppl in it and cut him out?

6.  He could have groomed me at that time with hope of extra sex?

7.  Hes no friend of mine

8.   I get bursts of anger when I look back on this time. I wanted a friend , maybe he saw me as prey?

9.  He was greedy as he has a huge circle of family and a wife ?  

10.  The friendship is a delusion?  And hes just a rat.  But there's no point being angry as it will not benefit me? 

...I kept saying I want friendship with you and your family ( and I genuinely did want this as I liked him) and saw it as safe way of having him in my life. And he stalled that....that's a selfish person?

I'm in therapy.  This is what therapist and I worked on. And I do love my husband very much. Just things faded and we have a number of issues to work on.   And I deeply am sorry for the time and energy I poured into the EA.  I'm on right track?  Have no one to talk to about it. 

 

18 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

That he is not the answer to my loneliness? 

And I was using EA to fill that.   That can happen right? 

So I'm telling myself " hes not answer to a content life". 

He is better now and is reaching out to me. About business. 

This last few weeks my craving for him has weaned. 

EAs are heightened by secrecy and that's not real chemistry?  That's just BS right?  

Bottom line having a secret "friendship " is not in my best interests? 

Also I'm thinking of taking a course or otherwise engaging my intellect in order to fill that gap...good idea right?

 

13 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

Yes in therapy.   Therapist wants me concentrate on my life going forward and ditch this man out of it  

It’s not so much that you were using the EA to fill your need, it’s that he was so good at playing you, getting you to put all your angst and need on him. As you say, he was the one ready to take it to the next level. This guy is a predator. He took advantage.

Keep telling yourself he’s NOT the answer to a content life because you have never known him during normal times or when there are dishes, laundry and bathrooms to clean. You have no clue what kind of contentment the two of you would have after blowing up both your families.

But THIS is the reason I’m responding: 

“He is better now and is reaching out to me. About business.“

Very, very alarming. “He is better now” is that wormy part of your brain trying to convince the other part that you’re sober. You can have another drink and handle it. From what I’ve read, you’re doing great but it’s really only the fact that you’re asking questions and trying to look objectively at what’s happened. Problem is your need is still there. You will never be safe until you feel nothing. Do NOT be ‘hoodwinked’ again. You obviously are not prepared for what comes around with this guy. For now and maybe forever, I’d say you need to wary of ANY overtures. Just saying “he is better and is reaching out to me” is simply reporting that he’s playing his siren song again that will seduce you. You can’t consider responding. Saying that your “craving has weaned” is the same thing. It’s trying to give yourself permission. He’s like a drug for pain and you don’t have the objectivity to really know whether he’s trustworthy with all that you have at stake.

EAs definitely ARE heightened by secrecy and unreal. You idealize each other because it releases endorphins to create the love bubble you surround yourselves with.    Look up limerence. And by the way “secret friendship” is just teenagerese for “affair.” It is not real love. Not only is it not in your best interest, it is a powder keg ready to explode. You got out in time, but you need to pull the wick out and throw it away.

Do take that course. You might make some real friends.

But here’s the other thing I’d like to say. I think that this is a tenuous fix at best - will power, avoiding, all this not, not, not talking to him, confiding in him, spending time with him. You’re still thinking about him.

Why not instead start making progress in the relationship you say you really care about? You say you love your husband but have problems. You also recognize the important of baby steps in your work in the other area (getting over secret predator friend). That’s all you can expect in anything. You need some baby steps in empowering your husband to give you some kind of joy or contentment sometimes - some small ways that make you smile and want to try more. Baby steps.

Edited January 28, 2021 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

Of course, I really do not know if your friend is a “predator.” I was truly only going by what you’d said at one point and what you said your therapist said. But the fact that he was so gung ho with getting physical and he seemed to be the one to move things along, it did sound like that. He would only be a predator if he has a history. The point is that he was not helping. 

I know you don’t talk about making things better with your husband and that is what concerns me. If you just go back to the previous status quo, you’ve not changed or fixed very much. I don’t think you have a marriage worth saving. So if the previous normal  is what you’re aiming for, then maybe ditch them both and become the person you want to be. Actually I think working with your therapist is the best and maybe put that on the table as another option.

Edited January 28, 2021 by merrmeade

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

Can I ask why "physical " here like hugging holding kissing (not tongues),  is lumped together with sexual intercourse oral sex and heavy petting?

 

I would say it’s connected to how much it would hurt your partner if they knew.   If your husband and his wife would just go “meh, it was just hugs, kisses and emotional sharing” and not get too concerned, then it’s a lesser betrayal 

[Lorryborry]

51 minutes ago, merrmeade said:

Of course, I really do not know if your friend is a “predator.” I was truly only going by what you’d said at one point and what you said your therapist said. But the fact that he was so gung ho with getting physical and he seemed to be the one to move things along, it did sound like that. He would only be a predator if he has a history. The point is that he was not helping. 

I know you don’t talk about making things better with your husband and that is what concerns me. If you just go back to the previous status quo, you’ve not changed or fixed very much. I don’t think you have a marriage worth saving. So if the previous normal  is what you’re aiming for, then maybe ditch them both and become the person you want to be. Actually I think working with your therapist is the best and maybe put that on the table as another option.

Thank you.   I think 22yr marriage is worth saving. Not 22 months. Thanks for your help and time.   Iv decided on my way forward and am looking for encouragement in that direction thanks again 

[SRCSRC]

Not to pile on, but hugging and kissing is a physical act.  The fact that it went on for so long makes it quite bad.  You didn't have sex, but what you did was terrible.  It was a PA that did not involve sexual intercourse.  An EA does not involve any physical intimacy.   That being said, I am hoping you don't fall prey to this man ever again.   If you want to save your marriage, you must go NC, that includes your work relationship.  Someone must inform his wife and your husband what went on.  If it destroys your business, so be it.  Businesses are destroyed when divorces take place.  Why should your situation be any different.  If you don't and remain in contact, you will most likely eventually slip back into a physical relationship.   If your business is more important than your marriage, so be it, but at least come clean with your husband and his wife.  One more point.  If you go on as if nothing happened between the two of you and continue with the business relationship, it is likely your husband will find out.  He may already be suspicious.  Same with the other man's wife.

Edited January 28, 2021 by SRCSRC

[SRCSRC]

In regard to telling your husband and his wife, what is your therapist's advice?  Also, how did the affair end?  Someone intimated that he withdrew from the relationship and you were hurt and angry?  Is that true?  Was it a mutual decision?  I hope you bring your husband into therapy so that the two of you can work on the issues in your marriage.  This story, like others, is heartbreaking.  You lost so much and you say you love your husband.  But you did something terrible.  I just don't get it.  I am a betrayed spouse and I just can't wrap my head around stories where the WW claims to love her husband while engaged in an affair with another man.  If there is no love, I can see how wandering can happen.  But you claim you loved your husband and thought of him while physically hugging and kissing the other man.  I just don't get it. 

[Lorryborry]

4 hours ago, merrmeade said:

Of course, I really do not know if your friend is a “predator.” I was truly only going by what you’d said at one point and what you said your therapist said. But the fact that he was so gung ho with getting physical and he seemed to be the one to move things along, it did sound like that. He would only be a predator if he has a history. The point is that he was not helping. 

I know you don’t talk about making things better with your husband and that is what concerns me. If you just go back to the previous status quo, you’ve not changed or fixed very much. I don’t think you have a marriage worth saving. So if the previous normal  is what you’re aiming for, then maybe ditch them both and become the person you want to be. Actually I think working with your therapist is the best and maybe put that on the table as another option.

Thank you.   I think 22yr marriage is worth saving. Not 22 months. Thanks for your help and time.   Iv decided on my way forward and am looking for encouragement in that direction thanks again 

[Lorryborry]

13 hours ago, SRCSRC said:

Not to pile on, but hugging and kissing is a physical act.  The fact that it went on for so long makes it quite bad.  You didn't have sex, but what you did was terrible.  It was a PA that did not involve sexual intercourse.  An EA does not involve any physical intimacy.   That being said, I am hoping you don't fall prey to this man ever again.   If you want to save your marriage, you must go NC, that includes your work relationship.  Someone must inform his wife and your husband what went on.  If it destroys your business, so be it.  Businesses are destroyed when divorces take place.  Why should your situation be any different.  If you don't and remain in contact, you will most likely eventually slip back into a physical relationship.   If your business is more important than your marriage, so be it, but at least come clean with your husband and his wife.  One more point.  If you go on as if nothing happened between the two of you and continue with the business relationship, it is likely your husband will find out.  He may already be suspicious.  Same with the other man's wife.

Thank you for your valuable contribution and I hope you can work out your own issues .  Stay safe 

Edited January 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed comments about not wanting to engage with poster

[Lorryborry]

My therapist said stat safe and away from any online destructive influences  

[Lorryborry]

Can I thank the people who yesterday made this a safe and caring place to turn to.   I'm feeling sick right now and very upset and things are 10 times worse for me.   I do not need this slating from ppl. I need encouragement .  That's what I asked for yesterday and that's what I got.   Iv my plan going forward.

Edited January 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
critical of other posters, asking them to not respond

[Buffer]

Hey LB, 

sorry you feel you are being attacked. In some eyes here kissing and hugging is a physical act hence it will be different if your AP was on the other side of the globe and it was just sexting and emails etc. 

Either way your interpretation is what you have to deel with. My view will differ to yours, but feel that not telling BS is building your ongoing relationship on a flawed foundation. If that being said it can come crashing down in a few weeks, months or years. 
Continuing to conduct business with your friend will keep him working on you to bring you back to him and the EA. 
A hug in the office after a successful account will recommence the feelings. 
Then hubby will walk in and find you two, a email or text and then the world crumbles. Remove the power of the secret and tell hubby and the other BS. 
Either way good luck. 
One day at a time

Buffer 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

So am I right in believing on LS  a heavy sexual relationship is the same as inappropriate kissing (no tongues) with hugging.  That theree is no difference?

What you could do is post in relationships or business forums. You keep posting under infidelity, so that is the response you'll get.

The bottom line is you both ended it when it started getting out of hand.

You have to work together, so you don't have many choices but to go to work and put it behind you.

Arguing round and round about what is cheating what degree of inappropriate feelings, etc will accomplish nothing.

Especially since you recognized the issue and it's over.

Perhaps you want to belabor/relive things. Many do. 

However that's just shifting the distraction from your cold husband from actual emotional affair to reminiscing about it.

When and if you address your emptiness and marital problems, you'll be able to fill your voids and not live on memory lane..

 

[Lorryborry]

This is just not working for me. I feel in a very dark and low place right now.   I felt good yesterday as I got support.    I will build myself up. Maybe I need to just not post here anymore and get a crises line for support.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

This is just not working for me. I feel in a very dark and low place right now.   I felt good yesterday as I got support.    I will build myself up. Maybe I need to just not post here anymore and get a crises line for support.

You would be better off with a regular therapist who could help you unpack and sort out some of this.

In addition to your work and all the mixed feelings, it could help you with your marriage and if you want to work on that or free yourself from it.

[Lorryborry]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What you could do is post in relationships or business forums. You keep posting under infidelity, so that is the response you'll get.

The bottom line is you both ended it when it started getting out of hand.

You have to work together, so you don't have many choices but to go to work and put it behind you.

Arguing round and round about what is cheating what degree of inappropriate feelings, etc will accomplish nothing.

Especially since you recognized the issue and it's over.

Perhaps you want to belabor/relive things. Many do. 

However that's just shifting the distraction from your cold husband from actual emotional affair to reminiscing about it.

When and if you address your emptiness and marital problems, you'll be able to fill your voids and not live on memory lane..

 

Thanks Wiseman.   I appreciate that. You are obviously intelligent and have common sense and can understand a broad spectrum.  Yes we got too touchy feely .  Yes it was wrong . And thanks for using your head and understanding a business perspective.   I'm actually a decent human being. Brought up rough but always stayed right side of things  this was a mistake.   I know it was wrong.   

Edited January 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
critical of other posters

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

 You strike me as individuals who have life in order before trying to encourage someone to destroy their.  You have lifted my spirits already 

Infidelity sites and forums often attract both those who have been betrayed and those who have had affairs.

Fact is you need not defend yourself. Simply post in other sections about relationships and work issues.

Stick with the topic at hand and that is... awkwardness at work or issues with the marriage.

The inappropriate actions are over and you chose that. No need to keep defending yourself.