Pottering About Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 Hi Lorryborry. Sorry you are feeling down, tried to warn you about the negativity. It is a price you can pay and, in fact, I have seen posters respond favourably to some very crunchy feedback. It is not for you, nothing wrong with that. As you say, there are some who are trying to meet your needs and I hope my previous post gave you both that validation and encouragement. People will be here for you as long as you need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Pottering About Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 Hi Lorryborry, I think Wiseman2’s idea of moving from Infidelity to a different Forum may help, especially if you focus on looking forward, focus on the key issues and don’t allow yourself to get drawn into discussing the past. Not sure which one, Self Improvement and Personal Well Being? This forum looks at how you make yourself a better person which I think is what you want to do. Wouldn’t broadcast it if you do leave here, let us find you. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) Lorry, I joined this site over ten years ago as a WW. It was not moderated nearly as much as now...like I was flat out called a wh0*e and such, and it wasn't deleted. I'm not sure if it's still there after the revamp of the site, but you used to be able to block certain posters, so you didn't have to see their posts. It was helpful for me at first though I haven't done it in years. That said, I have found on this site that the posts that piss me off the most are the ones hitting a nerve I need to examine. Instead of thinking, "why is this person judging/attacking/whatever me?" think of it this way: "why is this post pissing me off?" That reframing can help you with your own growth and reflection. Yes some people are not "nice" here but you can choose to ignore or look at it differently. You can choose to move on. You can take what is helpful from here and just let go fo the rest. I agree that an IC would be helpful to you, to get one-on-one feedback and strategies. My IC held me accountable without being judgmental and I am forever thankful for her. I hope you can find someone too. Good luck. Edited January 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator critical of other posters 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 I don't see any "attacking" going on here. I see disagreement and discussion. Some of your posts here seem to indicate that you're downplaying the affair. And when you ASK if we think it's a real affair or if hugging/kissing is as bad as intercourse, people will answer you based on their experiences. I'm sorry you feel attacked, but I think you're being overly sensitive. No one here thinks you're a bad person, but lots of us believe that what you did was pretty bad and don't want to see you sweep it under the rug or downplay it. Believe it or not, everyone here is trying to help you. I admire the fact that you recognized the problem proactively and are working on it. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorryborry Posted January 28, 2021 Author Share Posted January 28, 2021 2 minutes ago, Crazelnut said: I don't see any "attacking" going on here. I see disagreement and discussion. Some of your posts here seem to indicate that you're downplaying the affair. And when you ASK if we think it's a real affair or if hugging/kissing is as bad as intercourse, people will answer you based on their experiences. I'm sorry you feel attacked, but I think you're being overly sensitive. No one here thinks you're a bad person, but lots of us believe that what you did was pretty bad and don't want to see you sweep it under the rug or downplay it. Believe it or not, everyone here is trying to help you. I admire the fact that you recognized the problem proactively and are working on it. Thank you for the last part of your message. Yes I want to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
HappilyMarried Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 Hello, @LorryborryI have been reading some of your threads. I'd like to ask a question you have said in this thread about your husband knowing about your "friendly" (as you put it) how will you explain to him if he notices your pulling away or distancing yourself from your friend/business partner? Won't he become curious as to why this has occurred? Just giving you something to consider. Best of luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SRCSRC Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 I realize you don't want to hear from me, but I must clarify a few points. I did not call you a terrible person. But, a two year physical relationship with another man was a terrible thing to do, even if it didn't involve sexual intercourse. That being said, I stick to my advice that you and your husband should enter therapy to address the problems that exist in your marriage. Whether you tell your husband what happened is debatable, and something you should discuss with your therapist. I can't read your mind and I don't know much of your story, but for the sake of your marriage you must go NC with your work partner. How you decide to do that is up to you, but it is critical in order that you do not slip back into past behavior. Also, if you decide to continue contact, not only do you risk going backwards, it also becomes more likely that your affair will ultimately be revealed. These points are not meant to attack or hurt you. This is advice you would receive from many others who have gone through similar experiences. Truly sorry for your losses, but don't compound your grief by not taking the appropriate steps to save your marriage. It is up to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorryborry Posted January 28, 2021 Author Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, SRCSRC said: I realize you don't want to hear from me, but I must clarify a few points. I did not call you a terrible person. But, a two year physical relationship with another man was a terrible thing to do, even if it didn't involve sexual intercourse. That being said, I stick to my advice that you and your husband should enter therapy to address the problems that exist in your marriage. Whether you tell your husband what happened is debatable, and something you should discuss with your therapist. I can't read your mind and I don't know much of your story, but for the sake of your marriage you must go NC with your work partner. How you decide to do that is up to you, but it is critical in order that you do not slip back into past behavior. Also, if you decide to continue contact, not only do you risk going backwards, it also becomes more likely that your affair will ultimately be revealed. These points are not meant to attack or hurt you. This is advice you would receive from many others who have gone through similar experiences. Truly sorry for your losses, but don't compound your grief by not taking the appropriate steps to save your marriage. It is up to Ok I accept you do not mean harm , that's ok. Edited January 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator asking poster to not respond Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorryborry Posted January 28, 2021 Author Share Posted January 28, 2021 Just now, Lorryborry said: Ok I accept you do not mean harm , that's ok. But my request remains same. Please help someone else. I'm sure you are a good person with plenty to contribute but it really does not work for me. But no hard feelings. Stay safe Thank you for the constructive parts of your contribution. That was helpful, but iv made good choices now and it's how i want to move forward. Keep well Link to post Share on other sites
TooLateNow Posted January 28, 2021 Share Posted January 28, 2021 (edited) Lorryborry, I never post on other people's threads, but I am making an exception here. I am certainly no expert, but I did learn a lot from this forum, other fora on infidelity, and from my therapist. The most hurtful thing to me about my wife's affairs was not the sex. It was the betrayal and the deception and lies. I know you did not have sex with your secret boyfriend, but you have betrayed your husband and deceived him and lied to him. By not telling your husband, you are wronging him in several ways. First and foremost, you are depriving him of his right to know what is going on in his own life and depriving him of the opportunity to make an informed decision about what he wants to do with his life. You are also depriving him of the opportunity to move on and have a happy life with someone who will not deceive him, betray him, lie to him, and cheat on him if that is his wish. You are also making a fool of him, at the very least to your secret boyfriend and probably others in the workplace who probably have at least an inkling of what is going on between the two of you. You claim that you are not telling your husband for his good. That is most likely not the real truth. At best, you are probably fooling yourself into believing this so you can feel better about yourself, making yourself out to be somewhat heroic with your supposed great loving care of your husband when in fact you clearly do not have that type of caring for him or you would not have been cheating on him with your secret boyfriend for two years. You are most likely not telling him to protect yourself from the consequences. I also find it ironic that you label your secret boyfriend a narcissist. You appear to have quite a few narcissistic traits yourself. You seem to suggest that you are so important to your business that it could not possibly survive without you and many people will be in dire straits if you stop participating in the business. You seem to suggest you are such a wonderful wife and person that your husband would completely fall apart without you or if he knew the truth. You tend to label every poster here who agrees with you or validates your actions as "intelligent" and caring and the best thing since sliced bread. Anyone who does not validate you or think you are wonderful is labeled as uncaring or impliedly stupid or just ignorant people who cannot understand the impact of their words (ironic since you seem to lack any understanding of the impact of your misconduct on your own husband). Indeed, it is readily apparent that you are not here for advice but rather only validation. I also want to comment on your refusal to go no contact because the business supposedly needs you so badly. I have worked for decades helping small business people. I help them form and register their businesses, effectively and productively operate their businesses, and deal with problems that arise in their businesses. I have done this for literally thousands of businesses. It is very rare where a business would completely fall apart because of the departure of one person. Have you considered buying your secret boyfriend's shares in the business or having him buy out your shares? Have you considered ways to operate the business where you do not need to be in the same place or be in frequent communication? I doubt it. Where there is a will there is a way, but it appears you have no will to deal with this in a way that would eliminate or reduce the contact with your secret boyfriend. Furthermore, it appears that you have decided that your marriage and your husband are just simply not as important to you as your business and your business interactions with your secret boyfriend. If you truly cared about your marriage and husband as much as you imply, you would work on a solution or just walk away from the business. Despite your high opinion of your irreplaceabilty, I doubt that the business would fall apart and the lives of everyone involved in the business would be ruined if you took such a proper course of action. I also want to comment on the way you try so desperately to minimize what you have done. No matter how you want to label or characterize it, you have engaged in emotional intimacy and hugging and kissing for two years with a man who is not your husband. You do not seem to understand or at least do not acknowledge what this has done to your husband even if he does not know the truth. People have only so much emotional energy and head space. Since yours has been used up on your secret boyfriend, this by definition has limited the emotional energy and head space you have given to your husband. Most likely there has also been time that you have stolen from your husband to spend with your secret boyfriend. You have deprived your husband of things that belong to him regardless of whether you understand it or want to acknowledge it. What I have seen in your varied posts is you making excuses and minimizing what you have done and seeking validation of yourself. You have acknowledged that you have done wrong, but you seem to get very upset if posters do not tell you that you are now a wonderful person who is doing absolutely everything right. The truth is that you are not doing everything right and you refuse to listen to anyone who believes otherwise or offers any constructive suggestions to you. Now to my opinion, which I am sure you will not accept, but here goes anyway: You need to tell your husband the truth and be prepared to let the chips fall where they may. You need to go full no contact with your secret boyfriend and somehow extricate yourself or him from the business. You need to stop minimizing what you have done. You (may) need to get a (better) therapist. You need to stop thinking you are all that and more and redirect your narcissistic thoughts. Your husband may already know or suspect what is going on with your secret boyfriend. In any event, if you tell him the truth, he will surely be hurt, but he will survive. He may ultimately decide to leave you. That would be your own fault. Frankly, I think he deserves better than you, but i am sure you disagree as you seem to think quite highly of yourself and assume he could not possibly function without you. On the other hand, he might decide to stay and work things out with you, whether it be because he is co-dependent, or he fears change, or perhaps because he actually does love you. In any event, he has the right to know and to make his own informed decision. I know you will probably think I am just mean or stupid or uncaring, but I actually say this to try to help you. It is based on my own experience. When my wife got real and got honest and I got help from a good therapist and stopped rugsweeping and stood up for myself, we managed to work things out between us. It is not always easy and the truth does hurt, but I can handle it and I am handling it because I want us to stay together and succeed. That could happen for you as well, but not with your current thinking and course of action. Good luck to you! Edited February 5, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed inappropriate remark. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 (edited) Continuing to have contact with your AP is super risky. Ideally, you need to go complete NC, even if that means selling your share of the business. That may sound harsh, but from what you've said, your marriage is more important to you than your AP so you need to take steps to protect it. Sounds like AP is being pretty persistent, and this is likely to continue if you stay in his orbit. He is not a friend of your marriage, he is more like a ticking time bomb that will eventually blow up your marriage and life. Edited January 29, 2021 by Zona 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 I am curious. If the roles were reversed, would you wish for your husband to never tell you or tell you the truth and apologize to you? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 op, It could be that a change in perspective is needed. Looking at what you wrote, it sounds like you are in a lot of emotional turmoil. Were whatever benefits you got from the relationship with the other guy with that sort of stress to yourself? You sure don't sound happy to me, and I think that, way deep down, the relationship never really sat right with you. It really sounds like you already have the answers you're looking for...they're in you. If you are still struggling, try reframing the questions again. Pretend you're talking to a friend in your situation. What would you advise? Why not be your own best friend and follow that advice? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 24 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said: op, It could be that a change in perspective is needed. Looking at what you wrote, it sounds like you are in a lot of emotional turmoil. Were whatever benefits you got from the relationship with the other guy with that sort of stress to yourself? You sure don't sound happy to me, and I think that, way deep down, the relationship never really sat right with you. It really sounds like you already have the answers you're looking for...they're in you. If you are still struggling, try reframing the questions again. Pretend you're talking to a friend in your situation. What would you advise? Why not be your own best friend and follow that advice? I really do believe that lot of the time we already know the answers tot he troubles in our lives. We just have to accept and face them. Op, I wanted to tip my hat to you for being willing to put in work on yourself, to ask tough questions, etc. It takes courage to do so. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elissa Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 Hi all, This thread is now closed to further replies by request. Thank you all for your contributions. Link to post Share on other sites
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