Hey Tony - remember me?

[ReallyConfused]

Well - I wanted to update you on my situation.

 

As you may recall, I've known my wife for 15 years. Over the past 3-4 years I began to realize that I married her because she was my best friend, not because I loved her as a wife. Well, I went through with it & told her and things haven't gone too well (but not as bad as they could have).

 

One of the reasons I stayed so long with her is that she doesn't have anyone else. She's got no friends, no family nearby (and even if she did, she doesn't get along with them) - I'm the only person she has. So, now one of the hardest things we're going through is "what will she do now?".... She suffers from depression & anxiety attacks already - she refuses to go to a psychologist - and I think she is abusing her medication (xanax for anxiety).

 

I feel terrible, but at the same time I desperately want to get on with my life. I've tried to have logical, honest conversations with her - but she ends up breaking down in tears.

 

She agreed to file a joint petition for divorce so we can avoid dealing with lawyers (we have no assets to speak of). But I want to do everything I can to make sure she is ok... any thoughts?

[Tony T]

Allowing her to keep you an emotional hostage is highly codepedent. As painful as this experience may be for her, this may be the wake up call she needs to make some major changes in her life.

 

Usually people with panic disorder come from highly abusive homes of origin. They have great difficulty making friends and relating to people. Unfortunately, you being the kind person you are you befriended her and then married her in error...possibly feeling sorry for her. Staying with somebody because you're the only person they have is insane. You do her no favors by helping her to tread life when she really needs to swim it on her own.

 

Basically, she needs to get off her butt and realize the world doesn't exist to accomodate her. She needs to get out, do what she has to heal and grow as a human being, and fully socialize and evolve. I think she may do this now.

 

Tell her to see a doctor immediately. A combination of Klonopin, a tranquilizer will few side effects, an anti-depressant such as Paxil or Zoloft, and a beta blocker such as Tenormin or Inderal in the right dosage combinations will STOP the panic (anxiety) attacks. Her doctor or psychiatrist can work with her to achieve the correct dosage. Have her discuss this thoroughly with her doctor or a highly competent physician.

 

The Xanax she's on now, while useful in some ways, is addictive and can keep her a zombie. It can severely retard her ability to move on with her life. One of the side effects of Xanax is depression...so it actually worsens what she is taking it to prevent. It should not be withdrawn suddenly, however, but slowly over a period of a few weeks. Have her discuss this with her doctor.

 

You were with her a long time and it's now time to get on with your life and your happiness. You absolutely must wean her off of you too, as my feeling is she has an overall addictive personality (to people too) and in time you will be seeing other women and it will not be practical to remain her close friend. She needs to learn to get on in life on her own.

 

You were not put on this earth to be her nurse.

 

I am happy you are making this progress. A divorce is extremely painful but thankfully you still have many years in your life to make good use of the lessons you have learned in the past decade or so.

 

Good luck to you.

[ReallyConfused]

Thanks,

 

She is actually on a combination of Paxil & Xanax (though it may be something similar to xanax & not xanax itself) - one for anti-depression & one for anti-anxiety.

 

My big concern right now is she's saying things like "I don't care what happens to me" and "I know now I should never trust anyone again" - her parents divorced & did not tell her or her sisters about it until the day their dad moved out...so she's reliving that situation all over again.

 

I've repeatedly asked her to see a psychologist, but she flat out refuses.

 

I'm going to try to find a notary tomorrow to get the papers moving. I'm hoping that once she sees a deadline approaching, she'll finally get her act together...

 

I guess deep down inside I have this tremendous fear that one day I'll find her walking the streets homeless because she couldn't take care of herself, didn't care about her own life & had nobody else to turn to.... maybe that's a completely bizarre thing to think, but that doesn't stop it from entering my mind.

[Tony T]

You did not come onto this planet to sacrifice your life and happiness for the sake of her psychosis. That's what therapists and hospitals get paid to do.

 

Be deliberate but compassionate. Once you are divorced, you can point her in the direction of help. However, you have no obligation to be a Mother Teresa to her. You have done your time, you have served your tour of duty and you are ready to be discharged.