Post-breakup therapy worth it?

[Gaeta]

I had my first meeting with a therapist today. It was 50 minutes of me talking and her nodding. I've never been to therapy before so I don't know if that's all there is to it, I talk she listens? That's expensive to pay someone to listen. 

We made another appointment mid-february, maybe it's too far for a start?

After our meeting I had this huge desire to contact him, it's like talking about him made me miss him even more and made me want to tell him I don't want to live without him! I miss our life together, I miss his laugh, his energy, his arms. 😞  

 

[Pumpernickel]

On boy! I’m sorry your therapy session had this effect on you! It’s definitely not ideal if you feel worse after therapy than you did before your appointment. I’m also definitely more a fan of counselors who give you a certain amount of input, and ask questions, rather than having a therapist who just listens. That sure feels like a waste of money! But it’s also true that you need to try a few before you decide on one. Which - I get it - is not very practical, as it’s time-consuming. Maybe try a different one, just one more time, maybe a guy therapist? I’m sending you some virtual love & hugs, and I feel for you. I’ve had my fair share of disappointing counseling appointments. 
 

How long have you been separated? Have you had complete radio silence?

Edited January 27, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[FMW]

I only went to see a counselor once.  I talked, explained what was going on and raised my concerns about how I was handling it.  She responded to my concerns, told me that no, I wasn't going crazy, and basically I was doing fine, normal under the circumstances.  She gave me an illustration which perfectly resonated with me to illustrate what I was dealing with - a pitcher that was full of water and then when just one more drop was added it was overflowing and I was overwhelmed.  She said she would be happy to continue seeing me but the real answer for me was time - time to come to terms with losses (divorce after 23 year marriage, dad's death, and terminal cancer diagnosis for the man I was involved with).  I didn't see her anymore, but I found the one session helpful for my situation.

If you didn't get feedback and if you don't see the therapist again for a few more weeks, I'm not sure I would find that helpful.  I would at least expect coping strategy recommendations.  You might as well talk to your pillow if you aren't going to get anything back.

But that's just my thoughts, maybe there's a process I don't understand.

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

How long have you been separated? Have you had complete radio silence?

I've uncovered his cheating 2 months ago. He sent me a few texts saying he loved me even if I hated him,  that he lost his ways but didn't want to lose me. We didn't speak for a month then 2 weeks ago my 14 year old dog died and I was completly broken, I text him to let him know, something short and he replied a long heart felt condolences. Other than that we don't talk. 

[Pumpernickel]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I've uncovered his cheating 2 months ago. He sent me a few texts saying he loved me even if I hated him,  that he lost his ways but didn't want to lose me. We didn't speak for a month then 2 weeks ago my 14 year old dog died and I was completly broken, I text him to let him know, something short and he replied a long heart felt condolences. Other than that we don't talk. 

You’re going through a lot right now. I think a good therapist may be able to get you through this. It’s tough to do this on your own. The coping with the cheating, the subsequent breakup (I’m assuming you decided to end it), and a pet passing. Family and friends are sometimes not equipped to help us through these tough situations. I think seeing a counselor was the right choice. Well done! Now you only need to find one that suits you better.... 

[Gaeta]

57 minutes ago, FMW said:

divorce after 23 year marriage, dad's death, and terminal cancer diagnosis for the man I was involved with).  I didn't see her anymore, but I found the one session helpful for my situation.

You've had a lot to deal with. I feel for you. 

She asked me what I expected of our meetings and I said I want to understand why I ignored the red flags so I don't repeat the same mistake. Between you, the entire LS and I, I know the answer to that. 

Edited January 28, 2021 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

You’re going through a lot right now. I think a good therapist may be able to get you through this. It’s tough to do this on your own. The coping with the cheating, the subsequent breakup (I’m assuming you decided to end it), and a pet passing. 

Two months now and I still don't experience the betrayal, I mourn losing him and his love. It's like I don't care about the cheating it's pretty messed up. As for my dog passing I mentionned to her I'm dealing with that grief but I can't talk about it without sobbing out of control so we'll concentrate on my relationship ending. 

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, I think you should consider finding another therapist.  You talking (about your ex) and her nodding is not how it's supposed to go down. In fact, you should not be talking about your ex, for the very reasons that are happening now.  A good therapist would not have allowed that.

A good therapist will attempt to dig deep with you to determine why you find yourself drawn to certain men and certain relationships, among other things.  Therapy is about YOU, not your ex or any man or any person.  Just you.  What makes YOU tick, what drives you, what steers your ship.

 

Edited January 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Two months now and I still don't experience the betrayal, I mourn losing him and his love. It's like I don't care about the cheating it's pretty messed up. As for my dog passing I mentionned to her I'm dealing with that grief but I can't talk about it without sobbing out of control so we'll concentrate on my relationship ending. 

I'm sorry Gaeta.   Again, a good therapist will help you understand why you don't care about the cheating, the betrayal.   These are feelings that you have shoved down, most likely because they are too painful to deal with.  She/he will help you bring those feelings to the surface, so they can be released.

It's definitely not easy!  It can be very painful.  But it's necessary to your healing and moving on.

I went through a few therapists before finding the right one.

Good luck, and my condolences about your beloved dog! 

It will get better, I promise you, been there/done that.  And about to do it again.

 

[Alvi]

Really? I had this type of counseling after I broke up with my fiance. I had maybe 12-14 sessions with her and it was going nowhere. I mean, I would talk and lament about life and she would just listen. She would give me a very minimum input about what I was going through and would hardly give me any guidance. And I really needed some guidance and input at that time. I was a total mess after my relationship ended. I could've talked to some of my friends free of charge instead of her. She and I didn't work out, so I stopped seeing her. I did some research and  realized that there are different types of psychologists out there. The are psychologists who are not just sit and listen but actively participate. Right now, I am talking to a phycologist via the internet. She asked me a lot of questions during our first session. I mean a lot of questions. Everything about my parents, their relationship, how they treat me, how I view them. We talked about my first sexual experiences, my relationships, my view of men. She explained to me how I want a long term relationship but at the same time self sabotage myself by ignoring men who also want a relationship by making myself invisible and  talking and dating  instead guys who don't want anything serious. She explained how I am afraid of starting a new relationship because of my fears of a future failure. She digs dip and it's like she is reading my mind at times. She offers advice and strategies. She talks about how men think. She doesn't just sit and listen. She is sort of a mixture of a phycologist and a dating coach I think. I think that she helped me to understand myself tremendously. It is totally like day and night between my first and second counselor. 

I mean, you are spending your money, maybe shop around and find someone who "gets" you. Someone with whom you'll click with. Someone who can actually help you. Someone with a hands-on approach.

P.S. Sorry about your dog. My cat passed away 6 month ago, so I know how painful it is to lose a member of your family.

Edited January 28, 2021 by Alvi

[Lotsgoingon]

The criteria for good therapy is simple: within three sessions at the absolute most, you should be enjoying the hell out of the therapy. Even if the therapy brings up sadness (which is sometimes does) you want to enjoy it in the sense that you know you're making an emotional breakthrough. You won't have to think hard to know this. You should feel it. 

Yes, therapists listen, but they should also ask a lot of questions. Give the person three sessions at most. If you're not feeling fantastic about the therapist move on to another. The research says that the biggest factor in the success of therapy is a great bond between client and therapist. 

I met with and dumped three consecutive therapists on the way to finding a really good one. But I had had lots of experience with good therapy, so I knew what to look for. You should like the therapist a lot, you should sense that they really like you AND you want to sense that they are thinking deeply about your life. A therapist's insights are very different from a friend's insights. 

You know, I think having second thoughts when you are betrayed is kinda normal. Doesn't mean that restarting the relationship will be good for you. The key point is to not feel ashamed or embarrassed by the feeling of wanting to call him. The feeling you're having is something you want to bring to the therapist. I do think you want to meet weekly if you can afford it. Because it takes a few sessions for the therapist to understand how you think and how you emotionally process life. And then spread out the meetings later on. 

It's better to have closeness and continuity at the start ... then you can relax ... but spreading out the sessions at the start doesn't work very well in my experience. 

 

 

[neowulf]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I had my first meeting with a therapist today. It was 50 minutes of me talking and her nodding. I've never been to therapy before so I don't know if that's all there is to it, I talk she listens? That's expensive to pay someone to listen.

I've visited various therapists over the years and there's a reason why they say "shop around".

It might help to think what you're seeking from therapy?

Therapy doesn't make the pain less.  Nothing makes grieving easier.  Only time.  

What I found helpful through therapy was getting a fresh perspective.  An opportunity to test my assumptions and ideas against a neutral third party.

Therapy can provide you with new tools to manage your loss.  Or sometimes, it's simply to have someone to talk to about your suffering, without judgement.

Really, it depends what you're hoping to get out of the experience that will determine if it's worth it for you.

[Alpacalia]

Infidelity transforms you. It changes perspective and influences self-esteem and affects how you perceive yourself and others. 

In fact, there are short-and long-term changes in brain chemistry.

I guess you have to decide whether you think therapy in this case is worth it or whether your healing can be successfully achieved on your own.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I went to a therapist after my 14 year relationship ended a couple of years ago.  
I thought I was going to get over the breakup but that was not it at all.

From the first session, as soon as I sat down all this emotion would poor out of me and I would cry the entire session as we talked.

I cried no matter what we talked about.

I was crying not over the break up but I was releasing emotions that I had held inside my entire life.  I grew up in a very rigid household with a strict father so emotions were bad.

I had about 10 sessions and by the end I had nothing left to cry about.  I had let it all out.  I learned to accept my emotions and to be kind to myself/nurture my inner child.

When I told her I did not need her services anymore, she just gave me this huge smile and said “I know!”.

Life is a funny thing.

[Gaeta]

It took me a while to find a psychologist that took new clients. They're all booked, a lot of people turn toward professional help since we're in full confinement with curfew. Today I went to the pharmaccy, it had been 6 days since I had gotten out of the house. 

I liked her as a person, she's soft spoken and she showed empathy, once in a while she'd  throw in that's a big betrayal to go through. At some point she told me I was not naive or stupid for beleiving in him during our relationship, he had done everything to gain my trust and I gave it to him,  that's called love. That made me feel better because I have been really hard on myself thinking of those red flags I let slide by. 

She took a lot of notes, I think next time she may be more of a participant. Today she only asked me what I did for work and asked me to tell her about my relationship, she did not ask how many children I may have, she did not ask any question about my previous relationships, asked nothing about my childhood. 

 

[FMW]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You've had a lot to deal with.

All that was three years ago so I'm well past it, but I can still vividly remember the feelings - they just don't have power over me now.  Unfortunately your losses are very recent and it's going to take some time to wade through it all. But if you focus on pushing through the pain yours will also lose their power.  You've had other losses in the past, so you know that things do get much better.    I hope you can be strong and hold on to get past wanting him back, I think taking action on that feeling would only bring you more trouble in the long run.  

Keep posting here and hopefully you will pick up some strength and inspiration from someone else's post.  

[snowboy91]

I've been in and out of therapy for various reasons over the years - often the first session is used by the therapist to understand the situation and work out what issues need to be addressed - so by subsequent sessions you can delve deeper.

However the lack of feedback from the therapist isn't a great start. 2 weeks to the next session is a long time at this point, but it might be all that was available at that point. I'd see how the next session goes then reassess.

[Wiseman2]

Just like any doctors appointment, the first meeting is an intake to gather information about you and your situation.

If therapy is not for you, that's fine also.

Therapy is a process, not like an ER visit where you get a shot and the pain is gone.

The other thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation and to rule out age-related issues or treatable mood or anxiety issues.

Then you could always follow up with Cognative Behavioral Therapy, which focuses on change. Not just talking.

[MihiranCG]

I think, the way you wanna relief, should seek from inside yourself. Definitely  It's hard, but at the end, You can realise there is nothing to worry so. You're not only the one for this world so

If you find real life story like "Keanu Reeves",nothing about Breakup but there something to absorb like, Overcome the situations and live in real world.

You can, break the shell & free bird once again!

#Stay+

 

[Gaeta]

I woke up at 3 am and couldn't fall asleep again, my mind was going over the breakup and all kinds of alternative scenarios. I had stopped doing that and here it comes again. I did not tell her anything different than what I told on here in my breakup thread. Maybe I'm done talking about it? 

[FMW]

Do you journal?  That can be very helpful, you just let all your thoughts and feelings spill out on the page (or computer screen) and often that helps you realize things you might not have consciously seen before that help you process and move on.  Sometimes it just serves to release all that sad and negative energy.  I journal and at times I just feel exhausted afterwards, but it settles the anxiety and frustration.  When your head quietens down you will then find that you can process the thoughts more calmly and they will lessen in frequency.  

Even if you stop talking about it to other people you need to work through the thoughts and feelings before you can move past them.  Occasionally seeking distraction is fine, but the issue will still be there until you've dealt with it.  You probably have been purposely locking away those feelings because you just needed a break from all the sadness you've felt lately, like the full pitcher of water example I posted about earlier, you can't handle one more drop.  Talking about it of course did bring everything back to the forefront, but that only means that it's still there and needs to be dealt with.  You can't lock it away forever.    

Edited January 28, 2021 by FMW

[d0nnivain]

Therapists don't give you answers.  It is a lot of you talk & they listen.  Sometimes they will ask Qs to help guide you to a conclusion but they rarely make determinations about what that decision ought to be. 

I have a long time therapist.  In the beginning I saw him regularly . . .once per week for years / months.  Then I'd stop & maybe come back years / months later.  Given that history he lets me pop in for occasional what I call one shot check ups.  I had one yesterday & he asked me if this was a one shot.  I said probably unless he thinks it shouldn't be.  Normally he says that is fine.  Yesterday he gave me some vague response about whether I think I need more.  It was implied but not stated that he thought I need more but he wouldn't come out & say that.  So I'm going back next week but therapists can be evasive  

I hope your sessions lead you to a path of healing, @Gaeta

[kendahke]

That's pretty normal... on the first visit, the therapist is gaining a sense of what is the real problem and she doesn't know that unless you talk about it.

I would say to stick with it--give it about 4 more visits and if you feel you're not making progress (and she isn't assuring you that you are), then find another therapist--but don't put it down. Stick with the therapy. You have to take the sledgehammer to the pedestal that your selective memories of him are resting upon-- and that takes talking and it takes time.

Talk about your sweet pet dying. That dam needs to break and she's not there to judge you because of your emotional state--that's what she's there for. You need to get all of that off your chest and out of your system. 

Instead of calling him, open up a word document and write in that everything you want to say to him--and keep journaling that... or if you prefer, get a notebook and write it out.  Either way, get it out of your head so it's not taking up space for healing.

I've been seeing a therapist for over a year now, initially to deal with my grief from my mother dying, but it's now morphed into resolving a lot of anger issues behind my exes (the one from 11 years ago and the one from this past year) and issues with my bosses shattering my confidence while I was grieving.  I have to say, I'm so glad I've been doing it... I've gained a lot of perspective and I do not ruminate over any of it.

Edited January 28, 2021 by kendahke

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Therapists don't give you answers.  It is a lot of you talk & they listen.  Sometimes they will ask Qs to help guide you to a conclusion but they rarely make determinations about what that decision ought to be. 

No, not all of them are like that. I've wrote above about my therapist. She is very hands-on and interactive. She gives me answers. She doesn't just sit and listen and asks questions infrequently like a typical psychologist. She told me what was wrong with me and we are working on some strategies now to deal with it. A typical approach didn't work for me. I looked around a bit before finding her.

[Gaeta]

I like the journaling idea. 

I while ago I was cleaning my closet and found an old diary I kept at the end of my last LTR. I was in a lot of distress not able to decide to leave or not. I don't know if it helped me or not at the time but reading it not long ago made me remember pain is temporary.