Post-breakup therapy worth it?

[Ruby Slippers]

It's not easy to find a good therapist, and good ones are expensive because they can afford to be. A good therapist gives feedback, suggestions, things you can do to improve your situation immediately, in the first session. I think you should keep looking for a better one. I got counseling years ago to deal with childhood stuff, and I had to talk to about 5 of them before I found a really good one. This one was highly recommended by a very smart friend of mine. 

Ask in a free phone call upfront what her approach is, if she gives feedback and homework for you to do. I talked to her again last year after my first big fight with the ex, and just that one phone call gave me a lot of clarity about the situation. I took notes and referred to her guidance several times in the months following the phone call. 

[Gaeta]

Now you guys make me think maybe she had free time for new clients because she's not that good ! I contacted at least 10 before someone was open to new clients.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Now you guys make me think maybe she had free time for new clients because she's not that good ! I contacted at least 10 before someone was open to new clients.

Maybe, maybe not.  I went through a few therapists before I found ones that worked for me.  One I thought was an idiot & a quack.  One just pushed meds at me.  Ugh. . .no.  One I loved but I moved so that stopped working.  Got the guy I have now but got mad at him because he kept telling me stuff I didn't want to hear & didn't believe.  Switched to a woman who was more interactive who did EMDR with me which really helped my anxiety.  Wow.  I thought she was my savior but she ended up screwing me over.  I have a support group now but the leader recently did some stuff I'm really not happy about that makes me question her competence & sanity.  I can't have her being in charge of my mental health if she's as nutty as she presently appears.  Hence I went running back to the guy who I call my therapist. 

Give it at least a 2nd visit.  This time she probably was trying to learn about you, which is needed.  

If you get benefit, it's good.  

[lana-banana]

Any therapy is worthwhile if you derive value from it.

After years of seeing occasional, top-rated psychologists/psychiatrists for depression and PTSD, and even a neurologist after a seizure, the best psychologist I've ever found was...a woman working at a free clinic for low-income residents who offered to help me in her spare time when my referrals fell through. She did more for me than the nationally feted psychologist and writer.

The patient-doctor relationship, like romantic relationships, requires compatibility and a fair bit of trial and error. Just because one person isn't the right fit for you doesn't mean it's a waste to see someone. 

Edited January 28, 2021 by lana-banana

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Now you guys make me think maybe she had free time for new clients because she's not that good ! I contacted at least 10 before someone was open to new clients.

My SIL sees a holistic therapist that charges $250 an hour and she has worked in Hollywood with clients and is still available for new clients on the fly. It's probably because she makes $250 dollars an hour, but people swear by her. 

Before deciding whether this particular therapist (or therapy in general) is ideally suited for you, it might not be a bad idea to give it a few more sessions and review your treatment progress. It is your decision, of course, but everybody will have a different viewpoint.

[neowulf]

11 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I woke up at 3 am and couldn't fall asleep again, my mind was going over the breakup and all kinds of alternative scenarios. I had stopped doing that and here it comes again. I did not tell her anything different than what I told on here in my breakup thread. Maybe I'm done talking about it? 

The thing I hate most about grief is how uncontrollable it all is.

When my 6 year relationship ended, I was wracked with grief for months and months after.  It would come on me at the strangest times and threaten to crush the life out of me.

I think it's a process that's going to take as long as it takes.  Best we can do is be kind to ourselves and ride it out with what ever support you can find.

[Gaeta]

I battled with missing him since that therapy meeting. See, she asked me to tell her about my relationship so, because l am not experiencing the betrayal yet, l went on and on about what l liked about him. I can easily fill 50 mins talking about the good stuff.  I'll go back read my Beytayed Again thread, that'll act as a cold shower. 

Next time l speak to her l will tell her what our first meeting ignited in me. Like you said she has to redirect me. 

 

[Interstellar]

well that’s free association, you’re supposed to keep talking and talking, to let it all out, and  it’s part of the healing process. the therapist is there to listen, nod her head and take notes, and not make judgements. she’s probably a cognitive behavioral therapist influenced by carl rogers which all of them are. they still have the classical freudian psychoanalyst here in ny where you lay on the couch and free associate and they just talk minimally, and say “uhuh...yes, yes, go on”but those takes years and years though and effective too.

anyway, stick it with her for the meantime and assess how you feel and if it’s helping. 

 

[tart6245]

Sometimes talking about it does bring up memories and it gives you the urge to go back. In your case, since you discovered you were cheated on, I would avoid going back. Once that happens, you never know if it could happen again. It's very hard though. I also thought about therapy to help me understand my weaknesses and how to address them. I just want to feel better again and stop dwelling on all of the what ifs that I still dwell on. 

[kendahke]

On 1/28/2021 at 2:24 PM, Gaeta said:

Now you guys make me think maybe she had free time for new clients because she's not that good ! I contacted at least 10 before someone was open to new clients.

That's not it at all... she may have lost clients to them dying of covid or they lost their job and can no longer pay for therapy without insurance.

everyone is different... and every therapist's approach is different. Ask her what her specialty is and what her training is in. Do tell her what the last visit brought up for you and how it made you feel--tell her what you want to explore with her help. Be an advocate for your own mental health.

That's why I said give it a few visits and if she's not giving you what you think she should (and answers on the first visit isn't it), then look for someone else, but don't abandon the therapy you need right now to get out of the minefield you're in.

Edited January 29, 2021 by kendahke

[Gaeta]

I remember she asked me how we met and who picked who...I thought that was an odd question. If we were together 5 years didn't we pick each other? I said I don't know how to answer that. We met, he called me back the following week for a movie, I accepted and the rest unfolded easily. Let me know if you see the relevance in this question. 

[maggiemtn]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I remember she asked me how we met and who picked who...I thought that was an odd question. If we were together 5 years didn't we pick each other? I said I don't know how to answer that. We met, he called me back the following week for a movie, I accepted and the rest unfolded easily. Let me know if you see the relevance in this question. 

I’ve had a bad therapist before and no, I don’t see the relevance in this question. “Who picked who?” That’s just...strange. I once had a therapist ask me in our first (and only) session “Why didn’t you get married?” in a very accusatory way when I was there after breaking up with a long-term boyfriend. Yes, we were together 7 years but it started when I was 20. 
 

As for a therapist in general, I say give her a few sessions unless you just can’t stand her. I cried the whole way through my first session recently. I didn’t get a lot of feedback either. But I think they’re there to just get a feel for you, your needs, and try to figure out what approach would work best for you to get you over the hurdle. And it’s your money, so if you want to, tell her you want to start working on things actively and ask for suggestions. It can be something silly. I once had a therapist tell me to wear a rubber-band around my wrist and give myself five minutes out of every hour to cry, scream, yell, whatever, over my ex. Then she told me any other time during the hour when my mind wandered to him to snap the rubber band. Sounds weird but it really did help! 

[Gaeta]

I have cried an ocean so far. I am not only mourning my ex but the loss of my elderly dog. My mourning is done with rotation. One day it's about my ex, the next it's about my dog. Exhausting. Sometimes I cry and don't even know for whom I'm crying. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I remember she asked me how we met and who picked who...I thought that was an odd question. If we were together 5 years didn't we pick each other? I said I don't know how to answer that. We met, he called me back the following week for a movie, I accepted and the rest unfolded easily. Let me know if you see the relevance in this question. 

I think it very well is relevant though I can't tell you what was in her mind. I think it could give her more insight into your relationship and also may give you more insight into the dynamics of your R. I had a therapist ask me once when discussing a R I was in, "Does he call you or do you call him?" I told him the guy always called me. I figured either he wondered if I was chasing the guy which may mean to him that the guy was in the power seat of the R. OR If I was the one calling was I in the power seat and he was at my back and call? Two ways to look at it. I never knew which way the therapist saw it, was later curious and wished I'd asked. Obviously, there was a reason he'd asked me.

Why don't you ask her at your next session why she asked that question? Knowing why may give you more insight into R dynamics in general, also.

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I have cried an ocean so far. I am not only mourning my ex but the loss of my elderly dog. My mourning is done with rotation. One day it's about my ex, the next it's about my dog. Exhausting. Sometimes I cry and don't even know for whom I'm crying. 

This is such a hard time for you, Gaeta! I think of you every time I sign onto LS and wonder how you are. From all I've seen you're doing so well at processing authentically and are open minded, transparent and considerate to all. Your ex truly lost a jewel in you. Some lucky guy at some point after you've had time to heal and get back to yourself, will be the lucky beneficiary of your ex's loss.

Just keep crying, processing and posting until it's all out. One day you'll wake up and notice birds singing, flowers blooming and realize you're having a normal day! You're closer to that time than you were two weeks ago, or so. Many hugs to you, dear Gaeta!

Edited February 1, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease
spelling

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I remember she asked me how we met and who picked who...I thought that was an odd question. If we were together 5 years didn't we pick each other? I said I don't know how to answer that. We met, he called me back the following week for a movie, I accepted and the rest unfolded easily. Let me know if you see the relevance in this question. 

I can't speak for anyone else, but my personal experience has been that my relationships have followed different trajectories depending on who initiated the relationship/first showed interest (assuming that's what she meant by "choosing"). So maybe, like someone else mentioned, the idea was to get you thinking of the dynamic of the relationship. But I'm guessing it should be okay to ask her next time.

[Gaeta]

@LivingWaterPlease thank you so much for your kind words!

[kendahke]

On 2/1/2021 at 12:38 AM, LivingWaterPlease said:

Why don't you ask her at your next session why she asked that question?

This is always a good tack to take---they can be questioned, too... so they can explain where they are in their approach to helping you.

Quote

I have cried an ocean so far. I am not only mourning my ex but the loss of my elderly dog. My mourning is done with rotation. One day it's about my ex, the next it's about my dog. Exhausting. Sometimes I cry and don't even know for whom I'm crying.

You're dislodging an emotional logjam. C'est le deluge. Cry it out---just make sure to keep some Dristan on hand so you don't develop a bad sinus infection.

[poppyfields]

On 1/28/2021 at 6:00 PM, neowulf said:

When my 6 year relationship ended, I was wracked with grief for months and months after.  It would come on me at the strangest times and threaten to crush the life out of me.

I think it's a process that's going to take as long as it takes.  Best we can do is be kind to ourselves and ride it out with what ever support you can find.

I think this is true with any loss and the grief we experience thereafter, not just relationship loss.  When we truly love, whether it's a romantic partner, a family member, or even just a very very good friend or beloved pet, the loss never really leaves us, we simply learn better ways to cope and manage our emotions, at least that's how it is for me.

I still mourn the loss of my dad almost 7 years later.  Most days/weeks/months I am fine but then suddenly I might see a man who looks like him or reminds me of him and I will suddenly break out in tears, or even alone just reminiscing about him, I might tear up, and missing him terribly.

Right now, I fluctuate between sad and angry about my recent breakup, at my ex but also at myself.  Mostly at myself I think.  Love can be so blind sometimes, I am not sure how to avoid that going forward, seeing what we want to see versus what's actually there?  If anyone has any tips on that, would love to hear.

Well, at least I've stopped shaking and have my appetite back and don't feel on the verge of tears, which was the craziest feeling - feeling like I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come?  I considered hitting the booze to make the tears start flowing (and to stop shaking) but decided against.

Anyway, apologies for the derail, I have my next therapy session via Zoom on the 19th.

Gaeta, I think it's fabulous you're able to cry!  Cry, cry and cry some more, it's so healing!    I know one of these days, it's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks when I least expect, and the tears will come.  I hope it's soon!!

Peace and love. ❤️

 

Edited February 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

I bought a book 

Getting past your breakup by Susan J. Elliott

No clue if it's good l just made a search on amazon and it's the one that seemed the most appropriate.

@poppyfields it's the hardest to see reality and not what we want to see. I'm still dealing with that 2 months after.

[Gaeta]

So I cancelled my therapist. 

She was only available between 9 to 4, that meant I had to put my work aside and have a meeting during my work hours. Doable while I work from home but when I go back working at my office there is no privacy at all, our new office has one of those open concept. The other thing is I cannot stop stress-related-to-work just like that in middle of the day and start digging deep in my emotions.

If I feel the need I'll find someone else but I've been doing good lately. I would have needed someone right there on that first week, the crisis is gone now. 

 

Edited February 11, 2021 by Gaeta

[d0nnivain]

Hugs. Glad you are taking positive steps for yourself.  You are strong & resilient!  

[neowulf]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

So I cancelled my therapist. 

She was only available between 9 to 4, that meant I had to put my work aside and have a meeting during my work hours. Doable while I work from home but when I go back working at my office there is no privacy at all, our new office has one of those open concept. The other thing is I cannot stop stress-related-to-work just like that in middle of the day and start digging deep in my emotions.

If I feel the need I'll find someone else but I've been doing good lately. I would have needed someone right there on that first week, the crisis is gone now. 

 

One day at a time.  Glad you're starting to feel better.

[Alpacalia]

Glad to hear you're doing better. You've been through a lot in a relatively short period of time. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

If I feel the need I'll find someone else but I've been doing good lately. I would have needed someone right there on that first week, the crisis is gone now. 

 

This is great to read, Gaeta! You've really done well!

[Gaeta]

Small Update: 

So here I am 4,5 months post breakup. I found someone new to speak with and we made first contact yesterday. At the end she said I sound pretty self-aware and the fact I recognize love can exist with someone else means I could start dating again. Personally I'm not there yet. I could appreciate someone new and not compare him to my ex but I enjoy my peace and quiet for now. I work all day in my pj's, spend all nights watching series, I pay zero attention to my appearance....I'm not done being in my bubble. 

She said something to me that I'd like to share with my heartbroken friends. She said it's not important what motivated my ex to cheat and it's not important if he truly loved me through that, what is important is that I felt our relationship was loving and it made me happy. Why he chose to lead a double life, did he really love me, was he happy with me, all that belongs to him. It's not mine to figure out. Hearing that made me want to leave a little more of it behind me. 

I'm getting there.