My (ex) girlfriend left me for her ex boyfriend

[Zacon]

Please I would like some advice about my situation, this is all new to me (25m) and I can see that I was the rebound in a relationship with my ex (20f) for 7 months. It's a little long story.

Trying to keep things really simple, we were friends before and always got along really well. She had a BF at the time and I didn't think about her like anything more. Last year her BF broke up with her, I know nothing about him, but I believe they had studied together or something like that, they knew each other for a certain time and dated for 2 years.

She used to tell me that he was kind of distant and never really payed much attention to her, I don't know if it is true or if it was just her saying things. Anyway, he broke up with her, and 2 months later she told me we always got along so nicely and she asked me on a date. It was amazing, we always liked the same stuff, same goals, same dreams. I never had a GF before and she knew a lot about me. On our first date she invited me over and we had sex, it was my first time and she knew that, I wanted it to be with someone that I really liked. We kept seing each other once a week because I had to drive 1 hour to see her and we would spend the whole day together, had a lot of sex, and between the sex sessions we would cuddle and talk about us. She always told me that I treated her so nicely, that I was so perfect and like a dream to her. I like to cook, so I liked to cook for her and to bring her breakfast. She used to look at me with a smile that went from ear to ear and was always so caring towards me.

I was always afraid of being the rebound, but she was always so caring and loving, and she always told me that I wasn't the rebound, because she had other options but she liked me. After infatuation was mostly over I could see her flaws and they didn't bother me, I oppened myself to her and really let myself to fall hard in love. I cared for her so much and was honestly really proud of the things she went through and got over.

BUT the thing is, she always wanted to take things slow and not label us even after 6 months. I never knew her family or friends although she would tell me that she talks about me all the time and her mother really wants to meet me. During our 3-4 months mark she was really feeling the pain of her last realtionship that ended and used to cry a lot. I supported her and were there everytime she needed because I started to care a lot, she even told me during one of her cries that she was afraid of hurting me and that I didn't deserve someone so messed like her and also for me to be patient and to don't give up on her. It was the first time I said I loved her.... but she never said that back. While she was crying I told her that I wanted her in my life and that we could go through any problem if we talked about and that I would do my best to make things work.

She was in this 'situationship' with me for 7 months and used to dodge my attempts to plan things and to commit further altought I was really bothered and talked that I wanted her to be my girlfriend and wanted to make plans with her. She told me to be a little more patient, but she also became distant and insensitive towards me. She began to post stories that really bothered me and I decided to confront her and stabilish some boundaries. Then her ex regreted dumping her and she broke up with me with that old story of 'it's not you, it's me. We are at different life stages' blah blah blah and got back with her ex and even went travel where I was trying to plan to go with her and that REALLY REALLY hurt me.

It's been 2-3 months that I don't hear from her, blocked everywhere and I don't know how they are, but the last time I saw they were already FB official and posting loving quotes to one another. That destroyed me really hard inside. After all this time I can't stop thinking about her, if she will come back someday or even if She liked me or loved me. She was my first love, my first sex and no one I meet looks like a cheap version of what I felt for her. I want to heal and move on and I'm trying really hard, studying a lot, exercising a lot, reading a lot, but I Can't stop the thinking loop. What should I do? Will she eventually miss me? Our time together was so amazing and I was always so true to her, and she shared many deep personal things from her life with me also.

I understand that no one forces love in or out of the heart and she was with him like I am with her, if she came back I would quickly accept her back without thinking much. I just want to know how we stayed together all this time and got so intimate and it made no difference? I miss her so much and the time we were together, I just wished to know if she will eventually come back and if there is anything I could try to do besides moving on... 😟

[josedelamuerte]

Bummer.

I had the same thing happen to me a decade ago. I was also 25. It also happened out of the blue, after she dumped her boyfriend, who she said wasn't paying much attention to her. The resemblance boggles my mind. I remember her telling me "I'm not used to anyone being this nice to me". We were together for about 3 months,. She dumped me, and within a couple of weeks they were back together and I was in my depression-cave watching happy selfies of them traveling together.

Will she ever come back? If we're living parallel lives a decade apart - then no (at least not in the coming decade). Will things get better? Yes. Will I heal and meet other girls who are just as good? Yes. What should I do about my mind, that's not giving me a moment of silence? Meditate. Every day.

Good luck. Be strong. I feel your pain.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this happened, OP. 

You were her rebound, unfortunately. It doens't mean you meant nothing to her, but she didn't start dating you for the right reasons. She wasn't at all healed from her break-up which is why she stopped your efforts to be get closer and advance the relationship. 

She will likely not come, but if she does, remember that she probably won't stay back. You deserve a woman who is equally interested in (and available to) you. 

[Gaeta]

Aww l just feel like giving you a big hug (((())).

I'm sorry you're going through this. No, she is not likely to come back because all this time spent with you she was still in love with her ex.

I know it's hard and it seems you'll never feel that way for someone else but you will and later you'll just remember the good times and how special she made your first time.

Continue being busy and soon someone fantastic and unique will cross your path. 

[Marc878]

Let her go fully. Zero contact. Block everything.

This is why you stay away from rebounds.

You saw much more in this relationship than she did.

[Zacon]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Aww l just feel like giving you a big hug (((())).

I'm sorry you're going through this. No, she is not likely to come back because all this time spent with you she was still in love with her ex.

I know it's hard and it seems you'll never feel that way for someone else but you will and later you'll just remember the good times and how special she made your first time.

Continue being busy and soon someone fantastic and unique will cross your path. 

It's just so crazy how can someone stay with you for that long and all our time as friends before and just switch off like that. We got intimate, shared a lot of things, and I always told her what I wanted and expected.. I feel kinda of betrayed or fooled. We had sooo much in common that makes me question everything. It does not help that it was my first relationship, I'm really far from being ugly, a lot of girls seems to like me, but it is really hard for me to be interested in anyone like that. We knew each others deepest and darkest things but she left me easily 😟

[Blind-Sided]

Sorry to hear it.

I had something similar happen to me around the same age.  We dated for about a year, and one day, she just broke up with me to get together with her ex.  They eventually got married.  But for me... it was WAY before social media... so it was easier to "Block" her.  I was hurt, and it took a few months to recover.  But, that's what you need to do.  Stop looking at her FB and where ever else you are looking at her... and move on.  You WILL NOT heal until you allow yourself to heal... and continuing to look at her info is not good or healthy. 

[ExpatInItaly]

28 minutes ago, Zacon said:

It's just so crazy how can someone stay with you for that long and all our time as friends before and just switch off like that. 

It's not that she switched it off. It's just that she wasn't as emotionally attached to begin with. And that isn't a reflection on your worth at all.

Her ex was still taking up too much rent in her heart and mind. When someone is fresh off a break-up, it's the worst time to try to date again because they generally can't be as emotionally present as one needs to be in order to have a healthy, successful relationship. 

I feel for you. Take it as an important lesson to stay far away from the recently-dumped, as this is often the end result. 

[Gaeta]

56 minutes ago, Zacon said:

and I always told her what I wanted and expected..

She probably did not reciprocate, just like she did not return your 'I love you'. 

That's how breakups are. If you read around this section you'll see we feel the same concerning our breakup. How can someone detached from us so quickly after 7 months, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. We all go through the same process, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. It will pass and then you'll be able to be amazed by someone new again. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You just learned a valuable lesson: stay away from people who are not over their ex.

She basically used you as an emotional crutch. You were an easy target, because of your lack of experience.

Be very careful because if things go bad with her ex again, she might come looking for you and the cycle will repeat.

Try not to let this awful treatment make you bitter.

[Zacon]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

She probably did not reciprocate, just like she did not return your 'I love you'. 

That's how breakups are. If you read around this section you'll see we feel the same concerning our breakup. How can someone detached from us so quickly after 7 months, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. We all go through the same process, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. It will pass and then you'll be able to be amazed by someone new again. 

I really thought that because of our friendship end everything she really liked me, the way she used to smile, the cuddles, the kisses and the little things she did for me, it screamed care and affection and no one has never done any of those things for me. And she stayed with me much after I said those things. She used to say so many great things about how I made her feel and how I was an angel hand made for her end everything. A few days after she broke up with me she would text me saying that she missed me and that I was the best thing that happened to her... It breaks my heart so badly. She was my first love.. I was really afraid on the beggining about her break up being recent and everything, but I didn't knew that it was a thing, I let her define the pace because I had never dated and I thought it was the way to go and she never pushed me away. I feel like such an idiot... My love for her on these months grew everyday and I still miss her badly. I was really proud and happy for her as a friend and as a lover and see someone you admire and love so much go away like this for an ex that she used to complain about makes me cry everyday. I need to heal, I want to heal, I try really hard to believe that she is gone and we will never be together again but my mind just cant stop hoping for that even tough it makes no sense.
I'm really lost to be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do from now on

Edited January 29, 2021 by Zacon

[ExpatInItaly]

58 minutes ago, Zacon said:

I'm really lost to be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do from now on

You will do what most do after a break-up: grieve for a while, process your emotions, and slowly begin to heal. 

One day, when you're more emotionally-detached from this, you will see that she wasn't the be-all and end-all of your happiness. I often say (and its bears repeating) that first loves are almost never our last. It's hard because you haven't had anything else to compare her to and no previous break-ups to use a point of reference - but the likelihood that this girl was your only shot at love is just about nil. 

There is no reason to feel like an idiot. This is simply life: we stumble sometimes, things don't always go smoothly, we have hard moments. But we can learn a lot in those times too, if we're open to absorbing the lesson.