heart_stumble Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 Married 4years, 1 toddler. So I've been going through a phase where I caved in last year, mostly because I was questioning a lot of things about my life my values and direction. Mistake I did was not share this things with my wife, as time went on we were drifting apart - not much communication, intimacy died out - we were just co-existing. During the time she got promoted, which meant her workload doubled for a couple of months before they could get a replacement for her previous role. She pulled away, started working late hours - I was like its probably the new role.... I was still in my mental cave, supported her from home (take care of baby, assure her she's fine, making sure house is ok, stocked food and all). I've been working remotely and she's had to go to the office almost every working day. then she started spending some nights at a (female) friends place. During the year we were to make a significant financial investment, which fell through and we lost some money - I was mostly in charge and made mistakes. I could have handled it better(learned an expensive lesson from that one). Fast forward to December last year, she brought it the state of our relationship we had a date and she asked why I didn't tell her all this things I was going through, (it's happened once before)...she suggests that we work on the basics of our relationships - build a bond and just be friends...we talk it over and I genuinely start to make an effort towards being more open and talk more. About 1 month in,one night she sends me a chat - stating how disrespected she feels about how my mum speaks about her, Its the last straw, says she seeking separation and threatens if I overeat and our baby is affected she will pack up and leave with baby - brings up her relationship with my side of the family and how she feels like she's not accepted especially by my mum. (My side - we tend to keep to our selves, but never shoot down an opportunity to meet, it's just not as proactive...while on her end they tend to meet every now and then her mum comes over often to see her kids) She makes an accusation against my mum, things get very emotional and I end up talking to my siblings and mum about it to clear the air and make sure there are no ill feelings. I get some advice to focus on my relationship, so I stop pursuing the whole issue why she's upset with my family and decide to focus on us. I find out she already told her mum about how she feels about her relations with my family - (I'm like, I was really hoping you didn't do that, but hey spilled milk). So she continues to work late, I check up on her on some evenings when she doesn't come home to find out she's sleeping at her friends place. We get around to having a conversation and she brings up some of my past failures - the investment decision that we lost money on, my lack of leadership in some areas and how she can't take it anymore. Says I'm a perfect dad, but as a hubby there's much she needs me to do. I bring out how she's, (for lack of a better word) a control freak and sometimes when I was faced with a choice of do it my way - get nagged/reminded why that's not the right way/argue about it later or just leave it to her...I chose the later most times. It doesn't go to argument, just discussion. We decide to take a breather from each other. Currently she's been spending most nights at her friends, I'm at the house, but with remote working and baby there's not much time to really sit back and reflect. She has a stronger support system than I do at the moment. There has been some warmth in some text messages. I feel a bit of resentment towards her and feel really awful that we're here. I had a chat with her again, she's not committing to any outcome, though seems to be edging towards willing to work it out. In the meantime my workload has been very hectic, at the end of the day when I'm all alone I feel very bad that she's not there at the same time I realize I also need to take some time out and "re-center" myself. I've been thinking a lot and I realized I slowly stopped hobbies that used to bring me joy and positive vibes, weirdly I felt that outside of work and the relationship this things brought some kind of balance in my life - working out, music, hanging out with some people. In retrospect, before we got married there was a time when I was all energy and positive go getting and all, now I just feel like I'm just there and now I need to find that fire/light. I've made a conscious effort not to spiral into sadness - been working out, hanging out with some friends but sometimes it just hits you hard that - is this the end?! I've decided to really work on myself: majorly being more of a leader as I try and save this ship...at the same time I don't want to prod too much or speak too much about it now. Yes we're talking about work and other things, but I feel like it will take some time before it feels right to talk about our issues. Maybe we need sometime alone now to breathe. 😔 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 "space" killed your relationship, so if you introduce more "space" then it is never going to recover. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 It seems she indeed has valid concerns about your marriage and some of your poor habits or choices. But also? It sounds like she is deflecting and projecting to perhaps cover up for her own bad behaviour. Who is this friend she stays with, exactly? Have you verified that's actually where she is? Does she leave the toddler home with you all the time? I would check your phone bill, OP. I sense there is more to her recent absences than you think. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 9 hours ago, heart_stumble said: Married 4years, 1 toddler. Do you co-own the house? Does one of you make more than the other? It almost sounds like she is getting her ducks in a row for divorce and talking it over with trusted friends and family. She's emotionally checked out, but you know this. Why is she staying with this friends so much? Link to post Share on other sites
Author heart_stumble Posted January 29, 2021 Author Share Posted January 29, 2021 10 hours ago, elaine567 said: "space" killed your relationship, so if you introduce more "space" then it is never going to recover. My bestman told me the exact same thing. 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: It seems she indeed has valid concerns about your marriage and some of your poor habits or choices. But also? It sounds like she is deflecting and projecting to perhaps cover up for her own bad behaviour. Who is this friend she stays with, exactly? Have you verified that's actually where she is? Does she leave the toddler home with you all the time? I would check your phone bill, OP. I sense there is more to her recent absences than you think. I have verified that's where she's staying. Friend was on her lineup. Most of the time I'm with the toddler, but I have some help most days. I've also been suspecting there's more but I know that she's not that kind of person. She would probably tell me straight up.She's always been upfront about most things. 55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you co-own the house? Does one of you make more than the other? It almost sounds like she is getting her ducks in a row for divorce and talking it over with trusted friends and family. She's emotionally checked out, but you know this. Why is she staying with this friends so much? No, currently renting.I pay for it. We share some other expenses. She makes more than me. Says she needs someone to talk through things with. Her friend went through a separation,my wife was a major support pillar for her through that. She's away for work Fri to mid-day Saturday, I got a nanny for half the day and made plans to go to my brothers place, hangout and catch up.Maybe crash for the night because I don't want my baby feeling all the negative vibes. I can put a brave face for only so long. Its been tough. Her parents are coming over, not sure if to my place or her sisters, but highly likely we'll meet. I don't know if I want to meet them at this time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 (edited) The best thing you can do right now is work on yourself. Get back to exercising and doing the hobbies you enjoy. Just the endorphins alone from exercise will help your mental state. (I need to take my own advice, here!) Also, I think the life changes we've seen since COVID (working from home, being isolated, etc.) have played a role in all of our mental states. Is she willing to go to MC with you? If not, you would still benefit from talking to someone to help you navigate this situation. Maybe the two of you can spend some time together doing something both of you enjoy. Hopefully, you two can get back your mojo if you put in the effort. Also, your wife needs to be home, with you and your child. That's the best place if she's serious about working on the relationship. Edited January 29, 2021 by vla1120 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 10 hours ago, heart_stumble said: My bestman told me the exact same thing. I have verified that's where she's staying. Friend was on her lineup. Most of the time I'm with the toddler, but I have some help most days. I've also been suspecting there's more but I know that she's not that kind of person. She would probably tell me straight up.She's always been upfront about most things. What does this mean? It's incomprehensible to me that she waltzes not only on you, but also her child. You say she's not the type of person to have an affair, but evidently is the type to abandon her kid? It's not as though her moral compass is aligned these days, OP. Spending multiple nights away from her own child is your cue that something is very off. I think you need to do some digging. I don't believe you're getting the whole story here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author heart_stumble Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 On 1/30/2021 at 9:54 AM, ExpatInItaly said: What does this mean? It's incomprehensible to me that she waltzes not only on you, but also her child. You say she's not the type of person to have an affair, but evidently is the type to abandon her kid? It's not as though her moral compass is aligned these days, OP. Spending multiple nights away from her own child is your cue that something is very off. I think you need to do some digging. I don't believe you're getting the whole story here. I'll do some digging. So far it all seems legit. She spent the whole weekend with our young one. We had a chat today on phone, expected her to come home but she says baby hadn't napped all day, by the time they were wrapping up she passed out before dinner at her sisters place and will be sleeping over there coz it will be too late to go home after baby wakes up and feeds. I was naturally disappointed as I was hoping to have a one to one chat with her. During the call I brought up her sleeping out she said her being out actually helps her even hold it together to have a conversation with me...she really insisted we take the time to just work on ourselves first...I didn't push it and requested she come home more. Weekends she can spend time with our baby at her sisters place and play with her cousins sleep over even. I'm trying to avoid going into a knee-jerk reaction and just reflect as well, but keep the communication channel open talking more about our kid. After the weekend with my bro I had some good vibe and positive energy. Maybe this is what I need to manifest as I try and work things out. Anyway anniversary's coming up, she didn't fully agree to it but might go out for wine and maybe dine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heart_stumble Posted February 3, 2021 Author Share Posted February 3, 2021 Minor update - I decided to focus on myself the past couple of days and give space. Seems my request for her to spend nights at home bore some fruit, she's been coming home the past couple of days. Been having some light evening conversations in person, mostly me letting her engage and responding. During the day only while she's at work unless she engages we don't communicate. Lets see where this journey through "space" gets us. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 On 1/29/2021 at 5:06 AM, heart_stumble said: says she seeking separation and threatens if I overeat and our baby is affected she will pack up and leave with baby Rather unusual statement. Do you tend to eat too much? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 11 hours ago, trident_2020 said: Rather unusual statement. Do you tend to eat too much? I'm guessing he meant overreact. The best thing you can do is focus on what's best for you moving forward. Don't try to make sweeping changes because you will be unable to sustain, but more importantly you can't change who you are to please others, you will only grow to resent yourself and her. Just do what you've been doing lately, live your life, only engage as a response to her. In doing so you can ensure she is getting the space she wants, but also gives you a taste of life without her.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author heart_stumble Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 12 hours ago, trident_2020 said: Rather unusual statement. Do you tend to eat too much? Typo. I meant overreact. 1 hour ago, DKT3 said: I'm guessing he meant overreact. The best thing you can do is focus on what's best for you moving forward. Don't try to make sweeping changes because you will be unable to sustain, but more importantly you can't change who you are to please others, you will only grow to resent yourself and her. Just do what you've been doing lately, live your life, only engage as a response to her. In doing so you can ensure she is getting the space she wants, but also gives you a taste of life without her.... Thanks and I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heart_stumble Posted February 9, 2021 Author Share Posted February 9, 2021 So, been exploring space and working on my self. A lot of introspection on my end. She came through for anniversary dinner last week, thought we'd be done in an hour...ended up being 2 hours. I didn't bring up our issues because I felt it was premature and I am still dealing emotionally. We've had what I consider significantly more talking last week than in the previous 3 weeks. We haven't defined anything so far around how this space is going to work. So far I'm only engaging when she initiates. I brought up setting some guidelines on how we're going to navigate this phase since we share responsibilities, asked her to give it some thought and let me know next week coz I know she's swamped with work most of the week, same case for me. Biggest challenge so far has been dealing with the emotions, trying to keep a level head. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 Space is just a practice run for separation and divorce. Your wife is already 99% out the door. Decide what you want and tell her that. You can NOT control if she comes back or not - but you can control if you are still there for her. Tell her you won't be 10% married. If she wants to come home you are there for her for now but you won't wait forever. Set a deadline. Bottom line - force the issue. Right now you are just extending the pain. Fix it or break it - and quick. Honestly, I suspect your wife is 99% gone - and may already have found someone she is interested in. Hard to come back from that. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heart_stumble Posted February 13, 2021 Author Share Posted February 13, 2021 On 2/9/2021 at 6:43 PM, notbroken said: Space is just a practice run for separation and divorce. Your wife is already 99% out the door. Decide what you want and tell her that. You can NOT control if she comes back or not - but you can control if you are still there for her. Tell her you won't be 10% married. If she wants to come home you are there for her for now but you won't wait forever. Set a deadline. Bottom line - force the issue. Right now you are just extending the pain. Fix it or break it - and quick. Honestly, I suspect your wife is 99% gone - and may already have found someone she is interested in. Hard to come back from that. I'm sorry. I highly suspected this to be true all along(that there could be some other flame) still remains a theory for now, but I guess my naive "optimism" clouded my better judgement. Anyway we had a discussion today and what basically happened IMO were excuses/reasons to back up what she had already decided months ago...said she hates the "environment" at home, it gives her negative thoughts and the only way she sees us back is if we live separately right now. I didn't object because mentally I'm in that space where I've decided "what will be will be" and I cannot force my will upon her. I only care about my daughter for now. We'll discuss the details soon of separation, but I"m looking to move out in about less than 2 months, coz of giving notice looking for a new house. I also want to get clarity from her around this separation? What's the goal?Are you 100% out, if so let's just do it now...of you wanna work it out I need to know she's 100% committed to.putting in the effort and that there's noone else in the picture.I just wouldn't want to waste any more time and prefer to deal with the outcome sooner rather than later. Mentally it's been draining to keep my calm and control my reaction because I feel like there are times she did try to push my buttons to see how I'd react. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heart_stumble Posted February 15, 2021 Author Share Posted February 15, 2021 I recently confronted her about some suspect bunch of keys that I found in her car - I was doing a checkup on it - test drive etc to make sure its all fine because I knew it was due for minor service. Anyway, I casually asked her about it and her response did not add up at all. This was a couple of weeks ago, but it got my mind ticking lately and I rolled back to where I've seen the same keys before. She did an interior design job for some senior colleague at her workplace two years back, and I can recall those keys because I vividly remember some unique markings on them. I feel more than certain that there is something going on between them - maybe even on a romantic and sexual level given her movement patterns. It pains me so much, the more I think about it, that she's been taking our daughter to some strangers house?Exposing her to this guy, and we still live under the same roof. We haven't even discussed a way forward in our marriage and now this? I am trying to deal, but it is so hard. My first thought was to confront her in front of her sisters, who she's been seeking counsel from because if there was anything she would definitely know about it. She's not home tonight, went to visit her parents or whatever. Anyway, I'm at a loss for what to do. So much anger! So much resentment!Should I just confront her about it...I just don't know Link to post Share on other sites
Author heart_stumble Posted February 19, 2021 Author Share Posted February 19, 2021 Started a new thread in separation/divorce. There's no turning back. I just need to move forward with my life and be there for my baby. Link to post Share on other sites
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