Soupcat Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 Hey everyone, first post ever. Found this site googling about my issues many times. I've read many guides and watched many videos on no contact and post-breakup/get ex back help. Including the one that is pinned here. I applied everything I could after my breakup. No contact, seeing a psychologist, meditate, exercise, start a new hobby/business posting webcomics, and dating other people. But it has been 6 months now after the breakup and I still get obsessive thoughts once in a while. Possibly due to my ex leaving breadcrumbs. I have started to ignore them, but I want to know if I'm doing the right thing. For context: I was in a 7-year relationship, 5 years together and 2 years engaged (proposed in Paris!). It was very serious and we loved each other very much. We met when she was 20 and I was 22. The breakup had many factors: There was an imbalance. She couldn't maintain a job, struggled with anxiety/depression, and was an ex-pat from Latvia away from family and friends. I have a bipolar single mother who didn't respect our boundaries and a teenage sister going through an emotional crisis that my ex and I cared for occasionally. On top of that, I struggled with insecurities and emotionally relied on her a lot. I vented about work to her and had moments where I got upset due to stress. It was always about little irrelevant things. When COVID came around it just amplified everything and she decided to go back home to get therapy and "take a break" from everything. This was in July. A month later she texted me saying she wanted to break up "I need to be alone for a bit". I told her I understood and wished we could've gone in couples counseling. After that, I applied no-contact and didn't reach out to her at all. A month later she started sending me breadcrumbs like "How are you doing", liking posts on my Instagram, and commenting on my artwork. I reached out a few times to get her stuff shipped over there and get the phone back I was paying for (she got a new phone). We had a video call at some point where we discussed the issues we had in our relationship and where we made amends and decided to stay on good terms (friends). After that, she reached out daily with trivial talk about covid and stuff about the news and what she had for dinner. I was okay with friendship because I felt like our relationship was sour for a long time and I was sick of paying for all the bills, but still liked her as a person. There were mentions of "I still love you in a way". But then came a point where she texted me that she missed me and she missed when the relationship was good. After that, she went kind of cold. She stopped reaching out except for the holidays and on my birthday. Her family also wished me a happy birthday. Now here is the last thing I received from her this week which confused the hell out of me and I decided to ignore it because I have no idea what is going on. She sent me a picture that I drew of me and her (a very old drawing on my Instagram) with the message "we used to be so cute together", followed by "Can I ask for a favor?". This gave me a lot of anxiety so I waited with responding for a few hours and then said "what's up?". She then asked me about the author of a book that she read while she was here. I didn't respond right away because I was playing video games. She then said, "nvm, I got it. Sorry for bothering you". I never replied to this and she still likes my Instagram posts. Typing all this out makes me feel like a crazy person trying to decipher some kind of da Vinci code. But it's nice to get it out of my system. I don't know if this will get any replies, I don't know how well I wrote this out. It's hard to encapsulate everything that happened and there is a lot of missing contexts. I know that all of you are probably going to say "they're breadcrumbs, ignore them!". But I just decided to double-check. I know that I should probably block her to make sure I move on. But I feel that if I stay strong enough, I will eventually get my answer. Which is that she either loves me and gets the courage to tell me to reconcile. Or that she moves on with someone else. I am okay with both outcomes because in the past 6 months I have done so much growing and revalued myself so high (I dated some good-looking and successful girls, which felt good) that I feel like I can take on the world. My main guess is (and I know speculating about this is a dumb obsession) that she sees no way of this working out. She moved back home to Latvia and I am living in Belgium. We always discussed moving to Latvia together so she can be with her parents. But now that she broke up with me, she does not see me moving there. But this is speculation and I have no idea what is going on in her head. For all I know she doesn't see me as a potential love interest anymore. Maybe she's just confused. Maybe she's trying to alleviate her guilt. Just got a bit nostalgic. Slowly weaning off from me. Etc etc. But yeah. Ignore her. Right? f*** this? Right? Thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
Brooke02 Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 Sorry your going through this I think she’s just missing you but not wanting to commit to anything. Sometimes its just the texting that makes people feel better.. or they can’t quite let go 100%. Its not helping either of you. You should consider blocking her so you both can move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soupcat Posted January 30, 2021 Author Share Posted January 30, 2021 You don't see her changing her mind? If I just ignore her for a bit and don't reach out? The fact that she can't move on means she still cares about me. So that feels like hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 3 hours ago, Soupcat said: But yeah. Ignore her. Right? f*** this? Right? Not necessarily, just see it differently: what if you apply your experience creatively to make something new, with a different expectation or outcome? Paint a picture, write a poem, write a book, help someone! You're alive and surviving- what does that mean? Belgium is one of the most cultural cultured agonised places in the Universe. Not da Vinci code, that's Catholicism: wait, isn't that the majority religion/religious history where you are. Religion is always clinging to/letting go what you need, from 'it' itself, and you have to find it out the personal meaning for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 What she is doing is not fair to you. She's sending you these random, lukewarm little crumbs, just enough to kind of keep you in her orbit. This is why not all exes can or should be friends. This is taking a negative toll on your mental health and your ability to get over her and move on. You should tell her that you can't be friends with her for this reason, and ask her to please stop texting you. If she does not stop dropping these thoughtless little "crumbs", then block her. You have to do what's best for you and your sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 Dude, it can take more than six months to recover from a sudden break with someone of seven years. Not unusual at all for you to still be suffering. You gotta keep going. Yu'll come out on the other end. Hold you are not following no contact if you're responding to her. So when you do that, you only slow the pace of separating from her emotionally. You'll feel better at a year. But I've had a shorter relationship that threw me for more than a year. Part of the pace of separating in my view depends on the kind of life you live. If you've got tons of good stuff going in your life beyond this person, that tends to help with letting go and moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Dude, it can take more than six months to recover from a sudden break with someone of seven years. Not unusual at all for you to still be suffering. You gotta keep going. Yu'll come out on the other end. But I've had a shorter relationship that threw me for more than a year. True. I took two years to get over a relationship. And I was ultimately only able to do that after blocking him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soupcat Posted January 30, 2021 Author Share Posted January 30, 2021 7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Hold you are not following no contact if you're responding to her. So when you do that, you only slow the pace of separating from her emotionally. You'll feel better at a year. But I've had a shorter relationship that threw me for more than a year. Part of the reason that I'm responding is that I'm trying to get back together. Most online guides say that you should respond in a positive manner and show change or something if you want to have a shot of getting back together. But I dont know anymore at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 You two are going to have to have a mature, adult conversation about this. All this texting, liking this, messaging that...that's not the stuff of serious relationships with a chance of working out. You are going to need to approach her directly and ask her to talk, at least on a video call, so that you two can definitely put this to rest or actively work on the relationship. You were together 7 years and engaged for two of them. It shouldn't be this hard to communicate. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soupcat Posted January 30, 2021 Author Share Posted January 30, 2021 13 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You two are going to have to have a mature, adult conversation about this. All this texting, liking this, messaging that...that's not the stuff of serious relationships with a chance of working out. You are going to need to approach her directly and ask her to talk, at least on a video call, so that you two can definitely put this to rest or actively work on the relationship. You were together 7 years and engaged for two of them. It shouldn't be this hard to communicate. This is where the problem is. In the last 7 years I usually was the one who initiated reconciling when we had an argument. I was ALWAYS the one who tried to fix this and came up with solutions. We talked about this during our relationship and there were some small changes on her side. But my point is, if I again try to fix things, or try to address the elephant in the room, the odds of it falling apart (if we end up reconciling) will be too big. I think she's always been a bit emotionally immature and I never saw it because I was putting her on a pedestal. And now that we broke up her true nature is showing. I am not chasing after her. I am not the one who is going to fix this if she is the one who broke it off. She has to come out with it. But I guess the sad part is, that I'm not ready to let go so this will probably go on forever. This is my first real "adult" breakup and I have no idea how to handle myself. What a s***show. Maybe at some point I will be strong enough to put a stop to this. But as of right now, I still have hopes she will make the move. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 7 minutes ago, Soupcat said: This is where the problem is. In the last 7 years I usually was the one who initiated reconciling when we had an argument. I was ALWAYS the one who tried to fix this and came up with solutions. We talked about this during our relationship and there were some small changes on her side. But my point is, if I again try to fix things, or try to address the elephant in the room, the odds of it falling apart (if we end up reconciling) will be too big.. Then maybe it's time for you to realize this was not a very healthy relationship, and better left in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) How long are you ready to wait for her? What when she meets someone serious? I think it's delusional to think she will suddenly change a pattern she had all of her life. People don't change who they are at the core. If you want to be with her you have to accept she is immature on some aspect so you take over. I agree with ExpatInItaly, you put all your cards on the table or you block and move on. Take my word for it, if you move on than soon you'll wonder why you wanted to return so bad in this relationship and you'll be much happier with a real partner that invest herself with heart and intelligence in your relationship. Edited January 30, 2021 by Gaeta 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 16 hours ago, Soupcat said: Just got a bit nostalgic. Slowly weaning off from me. Etc etc. But yeah. Ignore her. Right? f*** this? Right? You know they are breadcrumbs. She is just nostalgic. Nothing she has said or done indicates real intent to reconcile. While you can still see each other's social media & accept messages you are not NC. 13 hours ago, Soupcat said: You don't see her changing her mind? If I just ignore her for a bit and don't reach out? The fact that she can't move on means she still cares about me. So that feels like hope. She will always care about you in a a "somebody she used to date" way. I do not see her coming back to you 3 hours ago, Soupcat said: Part of the reason that I'm responding is that I'm trying to get back together. Most online guides say that you should respond in a positive manner and show change or something if you want to have a shot of getting back together. That is the heartbreaking part. You are still holding out hope which brings you more are more pain. When you finally surrender to the inevitable, that this is over never to be repaired & you snip those last remaining threads, then you will be on your way to healing but every time you look at her social media, she comments on yours or you deal with the bread crumbs, you pick the scab only to bleed all over again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 If you were the one who took all the initiative to reconcile and resolve conflicts and think constructively when you guys had disagreements, that's means she is not a good partner. You can't get stronger evidence than that. She's a little unemotionally immature? If she took no initiative to help you guys resolve your conflicts, then she's highly immature. You're between a rock and a hard place. You guys were together 7 years and she wasn't a good partner. I don't care how many strengths she had, if she never took constructive action when you guys had disagreements, she is not a good partner. You break up and now you miss this old, dysfunctional, unsatisfying relationship. You've got childhood stuff to work through. You should be celebrating. Lots of people in your situation start off disappointed and then at some point the truth clicks and they realize, OMG, I just dodged a bullet. If you were married to her right now, things would be as miserable as in the past and frankly, more miserable. But you can't step forward. You merged with her in the language of the psychologists. It's like you can't see yourself as a full person apart from having her in your life. That happens for a period after a lot of breakups. But often breakups of decent relationships. Good luck. You should just call her up. And see what's going on. Might as well tell her you miss her because that's the truth and you're wasting energy trying to play the game. Sometimes we need to hit our head against the wall for the tenth time before we really trust that the wall is real. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Cut her off and block everything. Kick your hopium addiction. The only one who can keep you in limbo is yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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