TooLateNow Posted January 29, 2021 Share Posted January 29, 2021 I thought I would give an update. I have two older threads that are now closed since I rarely come back here (shame on me). In a nutshell, my wife many years ago had three affairs. Two she hid from me for over twenty years. The last one I caught her and she gave me some information but withheld a lot of information about it for about thirteen years. She eventually told me "everything" about all three affairs while claiming that she "could not remember" some details and also insisted that we never speak about it again. She then proceeded to treat me like crap for another twenty years. Then when I tried to bring it up again one day she claimed that she was now the "victim" because I would not "get over it." Pretty awful, I know. I am sure most of you are now shaking your head at what an idiot I am. At that point, I told her that since she seemed so miserable I would just let her go. She begged me to stay. Real shocker, right? Straight from the notorious "cheater's handbook." Then I got a therapist, partly because of all this but mostly because our 21 year old daughter died and one of our young grandsons was battling cancer and I just could not take it any longer and finally got some help. Because of things I learned in therapy, I extricated myself from two horrible employment situations and broke off some toxic friendships. I had a bad habit of being too nice of a guy and letting people take advantage of me. This was largely because as a young person I was a very terrible person who did a lot of awful and hurtful things to a lot of people That was almost entirely because my parents physically abused me without mercy on a regular basis when i was a kid. That led to me becoming a rageaholic (my word), a drug abuser, and a major drug dealer. When I finally got my act together, I desperately wanted to change and never be the "bad guy" again. I just went too far in the other direction to the point it was unhealthy for myself. After getting into therapy, I finally stood up for myself with my wife. She totally changed. At first it was just her desperation, but then she got help for herself and finally "got it" as people say on here. She realized how wrong she was and how much damage she caused. She has worked very hard ever since to make it up to me. She is now a model wife. She treats me like a king. She is very caring and empathetic now and is willing to talk about whatever I want whenever I want. She also worked very hard with me to recover some of her memories and was able to give me a lot more detail of the old affairs, which was helpful because what I had conjured up in my head was much worse than what actually happened. As far as the employment front, I started my own business and it is thriving even in the pandemic. We are set for life even if I never worked another day, but I love working and I love what I do. I cannot say enough about what good a good therapist can do for a person! I guess that was a pretty long "nutshell." So at this point I am doing well and we are doing very well. I rarely have the old nightmares or horrible negative intrusive thoughts. When I do, if she notices, she comforts me if I want it or leaves me alone if I want that. If it comes up and she is not there or does not notice, if I tell her I want to talk, we talk. She is very apologetic and caring and does whatever I need in those moments, which, again, are now quite rare. We now spend a lot of QUALITY time together doing fun things and enjoying each other's company. I had struggled with having lost my strong romantic feelings for her. I desperately wanted that back. I know it is not coming back, and so does she, and she knows that is all on her. However, I do love her and have moments of strong romantic feelings for her even though it is not the same as before all of this mess. Her feelings have also changed, but for the better. She now loves and honors and cherishes and respects me, which, obviously, she did not before. We do not have the same marriage or same feelings, but we now have a new marriage that is a GREAT marriage! At least we think so. Anyway, we are very happy, we rarely if ever fight, and we have a lot of great sex (although that was never an issue even during the affairs). Honestly, this has worked out beyond my wildest imagination! Being a skeptical, cynical, and pessimistic person, I never thought in a million years we would be where we are today. I believe we are going to be able to greatly enjoy our "golden years"! So something happened the other day which I think is a good example of how both of us are doing. We were making a funny video together, something to post on Facebook to hopefully spread a little cheer during the tough times we are all facing with this pandemic. I said something that she thought was extremely funny. She laughed so hard she farted. My wife never burps or farts or at least never lets anyone hear it. She was extremely embarrassed. Later after I had processed the video (making and processing videos is one of my favorite hobbies), I told her in a joking way that at least her farting was not caught on video or audio. She then said in a half-joking way, "We will never talk about this ever again." It immediately struck me that this is exactly what she said previously about her affairs, that we could never speak about them. That had caused a lot of pain and damage. It also immediately struck me that it did not bother me at all, not in the least. I then asked her if she realized what she had just said to me. She got it on the spot and started to cry and apologize and came to hug me. I told her not to worry about it at all because I was not mad or upset or anything at all. And I wasn't! I think this shows great progress for both of us. Something that previously would have sent me spiraling out of control did not even hurt or bother me at all. She immediately saw what she had done and immediately responded in an appropriate and I even felt excellent way. I am not saying that I never have tough moments. I do. But I have learned to handle even those in a very positive way (most of the time) using tools I learned from my therapist. My wife also has learned to respond in a way that is helpful to me as well. We are working well as a team to deal with these tough moments. Also, most of the time I can handle it myself, but if I need help I go to her and we work through it together. My other update is not at all good. My grandson's cancer has progressed to the point that we are basically on a last chance treatment option that does not even itself look promising. We were able to take the entire family on a fun trip as a sort of final great family adventure together with him knowing this would probably be the last and only chance to do something like this and show him a great time and make some memories. Fortunately, he was feeling well enough to enjoy the trip. If you pray, please pray for us. We need it. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Had I Known Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 TooLateNow- I'm glad to hear your relationship with your wife is good. I think your insight would be invaluable around here to others having problems. My wife and kids and I are about to say our daily Rosary and Chaplet of Divine Mercy. Your grandson will be in our intentions. My 13 year old daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor at only 6 months when we had her checked for vision issues. At the time she was diagnosed the doctors told us she would most likely only have a few years. I'm not sure why some prayers are answered and some are not. We've always wanted a large family and though we've been blessed with several kids we've also lost as many pregnancies, some the same week they were due. I look foreward to meeting all those children of mine one day, so much so that I don't fear my time coming. I thank God they are in paradise and I strive to be worthy to enter paradise with them that we may share eternity there. If your grandson passes on from this world he will be interceding on your behalf and waiting for you in paradise. God be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 Who doesn't love a happy ending and a story of redemption? Sounds like both of you have experienced tremendous personal growth. Quote After getting into therapy, I finally stood up for myself with my wife. She totally changed. Amazing how that works, isn't it! Best of luck to you and your wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Respect to you and I hate cancer f*ck cancer. One day at a time Buffer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ctdans Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 Three affairs and you two are together and happy. That in itself is a miracle. You are strong! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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