Why am I addicted to toxic relationships?

[ElizaR]

This has been going on since I was a teen. Loving the damaged guys who I thought needed me and I could "fix" which I know doesn't happen. My first serious boyfriend was crazy, abusive, the whole relationship was pure chaos. Since then I have never been with anyone abusive esp physically but it's still been guys with issues in their past, addictions, mental issues list goes on. I have some issues with myself depression, anxiety and a few yrs ago diagnosed with bipolar 2 so maybe that is some of it with me. I do take meds for it.

I'm not going to therapy right now and I need it. My last serious relationship the guy was an alcoholic,pill addict, which turned in to getting off pills and on suboxone. He was a nice guy no abuse but had definite issues. I don't do any of the things like get high, barely ever drink like maybe once a year. It is like I get a high off of it and thrive off of it. I can't figure out why and if it is truly ever going to stop. I constantly say I'm going for different kind of guys and I never do. My family has lost all hope I will ever be with someone decent I hear it from my sister a lot. It's all within my control and it's like I can pick them out of a crowd and the good guys seem boring to me. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ElizaR said:

. It's all within my control and it's like I can pick them out of a crowd and the good guys seem boring to me. 

What was your childhood like? What was your parents relationship like? 

[ElizaR]

45 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

What was your childhood like? What was your parents relationship like? 

That's what is weird I had a good normal childhood. My parents were young when they had me but my parents are still married 43 yrs later and everything is still good. Childhood things seem to come up a lot and it's just not there.

[Weezy1973]

Usually thinking patterns especially with relationships start in childhood, but it’s not necessarily the case. Since your parents were young, I’d assume they had some unhealthy patterns. A long marriage doesn’t necessarily mean it was healthy.

Any other trauma? Sexual abuse? Bullying? 

[ElizaR]

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Usually thinking patterns especially with relationships start in childhood, but it’s not necessarily the case. Since your parents were young, I’d assume they had some unhealthy patterns. A long marriage doesn’t necessarily mean it was healthy.

Any other trauma? Sexual abuse? Bullying? 

They may have had some issues when I was young but they have always had the relationship I would want. They did seperate for some months when my mom was around 29. They had me at 16 and 18 so children really. 

No none of that. The most traumatic thing I had happen to me when I was younger is I had several seizures and it was traumatizing and messed me up for a while. I almost felt like I had ptsd from it and it made me a bad hypochondriac which I'am to this day. But I wouldn't think that would make a difference with relationships. 

Edited January 30, 2021 by ElizaR

[Ellener]

8 hours ago, ElizaR said:

they have always had the relationship I would want. They did seperate for some months when my mom was around 29. They had me at 16 and 18 so children really. 

You don't have to live up to or justify your parents' relationship.

Have you thought about doing therapy/counselling to work it out?

There's nothing wrong with you wanting to help people or being drawn to people needing help-just channel it differently into volunteering or your career instead of your personal relationships.

[chillii]

Ahh , people dive onto childhood when the dog farts these days but it's way way over rated, not everything in life is about bloody childhood . ln your case l'd say it's pretty simple , you relate so your attracted to similar , you've got a special place in your heart for troubled people because you know what it's like first hand you probably even have similar personalities. Someone else had a thread about similar but that was pretty obvious too she was just attracted to the facets that go with the type of personality she was talking about. l have a similar thing myself in my woman , most men here wouldn't know wth to do with her or know what l was talkin about if l described her but l thrive on it , love it , normal women put me to sleep. You most likely love the things you love for whatever reasons but just with someone that can keep it together and isn't a train wreck.

Edited January 30, 2021 by chillii

[Weezy1973]

Could be a couple things, both rooted in low self worth:

1. White Knight Syndrome: picking men that you can fix and they’ll love you because you fixed them (rather than for who you are)

2. Picking men that don’t make good long term partners, so when the relationship fails it doesn’t hurt as much.

[Pumaza]

Could be a past of your parents that repeating in you. Maybe you grew up in it as toddler but dont remember but did expirience it.

Could be something else happen in your life or you saw growing up and you tryna be the saver now hoping you can help this kinda people.

Eitherway if u seek the worst or bad all the time your self eateem need some work.

Maybe if you get honest with yourself you can see a bit why you doing it.

Like what exite you about it?What did all your exes had incomun.?

Maybe its the known thing that attract you, and you scared of the outcome of the unknown type of guys.

Or you just tryna be a rebel by doing the oposite. Eitherway seek a therapist and be honest to yourself also.

[ElizaR]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Could be a couple things, both rooted in low self worth:

1. White Knight Syndrome: picking men that you can fix and they’ll love you because you fixed them (rather than for who you are)

2. Picking men that don’t make good long term partners, so when the relationship fails it doesn’t hurt as much.

Could be and possibly is a self worth thing also. Most of the time I can't fix crap and end up broken hearted. Just like the latest guy screwed up past, has issues galore, doesn't know how to express feelings, or he does and then something happens making me doubt all of it. Just like right now we aren't speaking. I get so mad at myself I know I deserve more and I make up excuses all day long. 

[ElizaR]

5 hours ago, chillii said:

Ahh , people dive onto childhood when the dog farts these days but it's way way over rated, not everything in life is about bloody childhood . ln your case l'd say it's pretty simple , you relate so your attracted to similar , you've got a special place in your heart for troubled people because you know what it's like first hand you probably even have similar personalities. Someone else had a thread about similar but that was pretty obvious too she was just attracted to the facets that go with the type of personality she was talking about. l have a similar thing myself in my woman , most men here wouldn't know wth to do with her or know what l was talkin about if l described her but l thrive on it , love it , normal women put me to sleep. You most likely love the things you love for whatever reasons but just with someone that can keep it together and isn't a train wreck.

You sound similar to me. It does end up causing heartbreak for me a lot though and I know I deserve better. The guy I have been talking to we aren't speaking right now and it's just made me depressed and he's a screwed up person that I just make excuses for. 

Edited January 30, 2021 by ElizaR

[queenofswords93]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Could be a couple things, both rooted in low self worth:

1. White Knight Syndrome: picking men that you can fix and they’ll love you because you fixed them (rather than for who you are)

2. Picking men that don’t make good long term partners, so when the relationship fails it doesn’t hurt as much.

Number 2 is my fatal flaw I'm pretty sure! I never thought about it like that, but it's true. I have the tendency to sabotage my own relationship so I know it's going to end instead of getting dumped by surprise one day. 

[ElizaR]

51 minutes ago, queenofswords93 said:

Number 2 is my fatal flaw I'm pretty sure! I never thought about it like that, but it's true. I have the tendency to sabotage my own relationship so I know it's going to end instead of getting dumped by surprise one day. 

I never really thought about that. Could be a possibility with me except I did have a really long relationship with one. I also feel like these guys esp the one I have been talking with is super passionate. 

It's to the point my sister told me I shouldn't leave my ex who wasn't great because I was just going to go to another and maybe even worse.

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, ElizaR said:

 a few yrs ago diagnosed with bipolar 2 so maybe that is some of it with me. I do take meds for it.

Make sure you're in close follow up with your doctors and especially a therapist. As you know, thrill seeking and poor judgement can indicate that you are hypomanic/premanic about to go off. It's not deep seeded Freudian parental issues. It's neurological. Don't beat yourself up or stereotype yourself as "addicted to bad men", instead become more aware of the ups and downs of your neurological situation and talk to your doctor/therapist about better symptom control.

[ElizaR]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Make sure you're in close follow up with your doctors and especially a therapist. As you know, thrill seeking and poor judgement can indicate that you are hypomanic/premanic about to go off. It's not deep seeded Freudian parental issues. It's neurological. Don't beat yourself up or stereotype yourself as "addicted to bad men", instead become more aware of the ups and downs of your neurological situation and talk to your doctor/therapist about better symptom control.

You are right I have wondered this. I don't seem to have typical manic or what I think would be but I'm sure there are different degrees. I seem to get more down than anything. I never got the diagnosis of bipolar 2 until later when I was around 30. My sister is bipolar too but my brother has non3 of it kinda strange. But I have been on meds and had issues since I was a teen.

I take two meds for it that have seemed to work well. But even the situations of lately with my job, the pandemic have made things much harder on me.

[mark clemson]

Perhaps it's the female version of "white knight syndrome". You're trying to fix some small part of the world by helping these guys to become "normal family guys" through forming relationships with them. Something like that. Or maybe I'm wrong and you're simply attracted to them. At any rate, I hear this sort of thing is not uncommon with women, the whole 'bad boy" thing.

Maybe break it down with a therapist as to why you might be doing this and how to change your "type" so you can break this pattern.  Be sure to get a very experienced one who specializes in romantic/couples issues and make it's clear you're there to help YOU, not to try to fix a marriage or similar.

[Cookiesandough]

22 hours ago, ElizaR said:

I'm not going to therapy right now and I need it. My last serious relationship the guy was an alcoholic,pill addict, which turned in to getting off pills and on suboxone. He was a nice guy no abuse but had definite issues. 

Yeah, but was he hot. I’m not saying that a psych evaluation is a bad idea, I’m just saying that it could be that simple. Hot messes are fun. They can be really entertaining. Same reason why a lot of people like to watch some reality television people... I remember dating the biggest drug dealer in my city and it was a ball. He was a mess , but he knew how to party. The guy I’m dating now is pretty normal by all metrics, but he’s cute and I find him funny af, so it keeps things interesting. 

anyway, I’m just saying that he’s a hot mess doesn’t exclude him from having other attractive traits. But you know yourself best. Get help if you think it will break this pattern for you

Edited January 30, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Woggle]

Maybe your upbringing was too good and you felt like a walk on the wild side. The best thing to do is get out of the mindset that excitement and fun requires dysfunction and drama and also apply that to relationships.

[ElizaR]

53 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yeah, but was he hot. I’m not saying that a psych evaluation is a bad idea, I’m just saying that it could be that simple. Hot messes are fun. They can be really entertaining. Same reason why a lot of people like to watch some reality television people... I remember dating the biggest drug dealer in my city and it was a ball. He was a mess , but he knew how to party. The guy I’m dating now is pretty normal by all metrics, but he’s cute and I find him funny af, so it keeps things interesting. 

anyway, I’m just saying that he’s a hot mess doesn’t exclude him from having other attractive traits. But you know yourself best. Get help if you think it will break this pattern for you

Yes he was hot and we had fun until we didn't. These guys are lots of times charismatic and passionate which I love. But then again I have had some pretty big fights with some of them which then leads to great passionate sex. 

I have been talking to someone from my past and it's long distance but it was easy to fall back in to same pattern with him. He was the bad boy then and I liked him so much, we had a connection like no other and it just came right back out. I can't even see him until he comes home this summer.

But about 3wks ago we had a big argument and this was just through the phone and we haven't spoken since. Of course I have been beside myself. It's definitely for the best. Everyone is telling me how could I even entertain the thought of him etc. 

[Weezy1973]

On 1/29/2021 at 5:07 PM, ElizaR said:

it's like I can pick them out of a crowd and the good guys seem boring to me. 

This is something that stood out to me. I dated a woman once who said pretty much this exact thing. She had quite a traumatic childhood in many ways and had a belief that relationships all had a shelf life. So didn’t believe that “rest of our life” relationships were possible. And those that we see are faking it. 
 

I dated another woman who also had a difficult childhood and when she dated me (a relationship oriented guy), she specifically said guys like me are way scarier than the bad boys. Because I represented “rest of her life” and I’d end up seeing the real her. Vulnerability and authenticity terrified her. 

[Cookiesandough]

4 hours ago, ElizaR said:

Yes he was hot and we had fun until we didn't. These guys are lots of times charismatic and passionate which I love. But then again I have had some pretty big fights with some of them which then leads to great passionate sex. 

I have been talking to someone from my past and it's long distance but it was easy to fall back in to same pattern with him. He was the bad boy then and I liked him so much, we had a connection like no other and it just came right back out. I can't even see him until he comes home this summer.

But about 3wks ago we had a big argument and this was just through the phone and we haven't spoken since. Of course I have been beside myself. It's definitely for the best. Everyone is telling me how could I even entertain the thought of him etc. 

Haha I dunno why it is, but in my experience, the super hot ones tend towards unstable. Not all of them of course, but a lot of them gots issues.. I don’t know why it is.And not limited to the guys either,  but friends who are women too. 

 

And yeah sex with the unstable ones is the most.  I’ve heard guys say that about the women too. Because they’re so extra and crazy, the make up sex is also fire too lol. 
 

I don’t mess with them though. A lot of my friends who came from good, stable upbringings and good girls are attracted to the bad boys with issues too. In those cases,  I think it’s just a case of opposites attract  and just being naive and wanting to see the best in people. 

Edited January 31, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[chillii]

11 hours ago, ElizaR said:

You sound similar to me. It does end up causing heartbreak for me a lot though and I know I deserve better. The guy I have been talking to we aren't speaking right now and it's just made me depressed and he's a screwed up person that I just make excuses for. 

Yeah right , sorry to hear that and reading more of your stuff yeah see as l was saying he needs to be in a good place though none the less and you both to just have that real thing between you,real, where as with this guy your moreso just clashing with each other that just messes you both up even more and he's too screwed up anyway.

Edited January 31, 2021 by chillii

[Rodger]

The intense emotions felt in insecure attachment isn't passion. It's two individuals giving each other an emotional hit, it's like a drug addiction. People often get trapped in these unhealthy relationship cycles for many years. They settle because they believe this is how relationships should be.

[ElizaR]

1 hour ago, Rodger said:

The intense emotions felt in insecure attachment isn't passion. It's two individuals giving each other an emotional hit, it's like a drug addiction. People often get trapped in these unhealthy relationship cycles for many years. They settle because they believe this is how relationships should be.

I agree I say all the time it's like I get a high off of it like a drug. 

[spiderowl]

It sounds like the 'normal', stable guys don't get a chance with you because you find them boring.  What the 'interesting' guys seem to have is that they are uninhibited - they follow what they want and, as you mentioned, are passionate.  They sound fairly hedonistic.

I can understand that the guys above would come off initially as interesting because of their passion and their 'daring' behaviour, but maybe you are overlooking that a more inhibited guy can be passionate and exciting when you get to know him.  You are just not giving yourself chance.

There is also the aspect that you know you have some mental health issues yourself and maybe you are seeking out people who would understand that or who would not judge you perhaps.  No decent guy would judge you, of course, but maybe you feel they would?

At least you have recognised that you are drawn to the 'bad boys' and that they come with disadvantages.  Maybe you do not want to 'settle down' with a guy yet, maybe you seek excitement. If so, I suppose all you can do is to avoid the dangerous guys and take care of yourself.  There is no point pretending you want the same as a guy who seeks a long-term, settled relationship.  It would not be fair on either of you.

Edited February 1, 2021 by spiderowl