Kcame37 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 My sister changed for the worst We were always close from childhood to adulthood. A few years ago she got into a serious relationship (her longest one) and later had a baby. I was happy for her. And I like her boyfriend. And I adore my baby niece. Before we used to spend a lot of time together and I understood that when meeting someone new. She needed her space. Now going on the 3rd year of their relationship. I never see her (we live only 7 minutes apart) unless she needs me to babysit. I was always okay with helping her w/ the baby but I realized that she only called me or came by to visit because she needed me to babysit. If we made plans to spend time together as family. The plans never happen and she would never follow up. At extended family get togethers I realized that she was never near me. She once told me that she felt that I was closer to everyone. She thinks that I get treated differently and it bothered her. When things are not good with her bf (which is often). She vents to me and she's very irritable, frustrated and sad. Leaving me wondering why they are still together. I started to get a feeling that she really didn't want me around much (I could be wrong). In the past few years I never felt that she missed me as a sister. So I confronted her 3 weeks ago and told her that I felt that she only wanted me around as a babysitter, plans for quality time never happens, etc. I was nice and open about it. Now she is distant. I don't hear from her anymore and when we planned for me to babysit so they can get a break (I get her once every 2 weeks). She declined. She would never ever decline a break. I'm at the point of my life where I feel like I should cut her off completely. I am the only family member near her. And her only support and babysitter. But I feel like I should move on with my life without her in it. She always stated that she had nothing against me yet she treats me like I'm someone she doesn't like much or someone who isn't important. I thought of confronting her again but I feel like it wouldn't make a difference. I don't know who she is anymore. My sister changed so much and not for the better either. What would you do in my situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 33 minutes ago, Kcame37 said: What would you do in my situation? Nothing. I'd continue to babysit and enjoy my niece and wait for the time my sister was ready to reconnect with me as a friend. In fact I did just that decades ago with my own sister and nephew...he's now grown and successful- I'd like to think with a bit of my encouragement, and my sister and I write to each other every day now for years, and there's a ton of love and support flowing back and forward. Love one another, there's no formula except that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 Maybe you are to busy with what you feel and not hearing her. And confronting may have felt good to you,but did she respond?!You dont know i gues how it sounded to her. If she feel she got treathed less is a deeper issue. Its a feeling of being unwanted, Probably since childhood. Maybe you babysitting is the onlyway she knows to connect with you or be around you. Sure you shouldnt feel like she is using you. Do what is best for you.But know that life is short.You dont wanna say later on why ddnt i. Maybe take a break,but atleast make sure there is some communication going on if posible.Even if its only on birthdays,holidays. And at some point be open for her side of the story to. If you feel unwanted,you sure wont wanna be around. You ddnt say what she said when u confronted her.I dont need to know,but that should have give you some answer.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 9 hours ago, Kcame37 said: I'm at the point of my life where I feel like I should cut her off completely. * * * What would you do in my situation? Relationships are a bit elastic. Right now yours is stretched to the outer limits by her choice. Just leave it there. Don't break the bands completely. Send her birthday & holiday cards. Send things to your niece. Be pleasant when you see her at family events but do not initiate other contact with her & decline when she asks you for favors unless you want to babysit because you enjoy seeing your niece & it's convenient for you to do so. No drama just fade away. . . .. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 10 hours ago, Kcame37 said: My sister changed for the worst I'm at the point of my life where I feel like I should cut her off completely. What would you do in my situation? I cut my sister out of my life 25 years ago. I don't miss talking to her or dealing with her. Sometimes in life we have to be selfish for our own well being. You hit a wall and say enough is enough. And yes my sister did have one child (a little boy) I did babysit him on a few occasions, but she found another sitter when we parted ways. My nephew is now an adult, if he wants to look me up he can get my contact information from my parents, but he was never interested in doing so, and I haven't reached out to him. I don't wish either of them ill-will, but for my own well being I needed to cut ties with my sister. It was the right decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kcame37 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) On 1/30/2021 at 1:24 AM, Pumaza said: Maybe you are to busy with what you feel and not hearing her. And confronting may have felt good to you,but did she respond?!You dont know i gues how it sounded to her. If she feel she got treathed less is a deeper issue. Its a feeling of being unwanted, Probably since childhood. Maybe you babysitting is the onlyway she knows to connect with you or be around you. Sure you shouldnt feel like she is using you. Do what is best for you.But know that life is short.You dont wanna say later on why ddnt i. Maybe take a break,but atleast make sure there is some communication going on if posible.Even if its only on birthdays,holidays. And at some point be open for her side of the story to. If you feel unwanted,you sure wont wanna be around. You ddnt say what she said when u confronted her.I dont need to know,but that should have give you some answer.... She apologized and said she didn't realize how much she hurt me. That it was never her intention to make me feel used. But I still felt used and disposed of. Edited January 31, 2021 by Kcame37 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 5 hours ago, Kcame37 said: She apologized and said she didn't realize how much she hurt me. That it was never her intention to make me feel used. But I still felt used and disposed of. Did you accept her apology? Has her behavior changed since you had this discussion? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 On 1/30/2021 at 12:08 AM, Ellener said: Nothing. I'd continue to babysit and enjoy my niece and wait for the time my sister was ready to reconnect with me as a friend. In fact I did just that decades ago with my own sister and nephew...he's now grown and successful- I'd like to think with a bit of my encouragement, and my sister and I write to each other every day now for years, and there's a ton of love and support flowing back and forward. Love one another, there's no formula except that. Ellener that is just not true. Sibling estrangement is far more common than you know. It exists for a reason. To tell the OP that they need to love their sister because there is no alternative is just bad advice, I’m afraid. I have been estranged from one of my siblings for years and I don’t miss that sibling or their children. My other sibling and I have a very detached connection, similar to the OP’s relationship with their sister who uses the OP as a babysitter. So the sibling I allow to stay in my life, is because I want to see their children whom I care about very much. So, that sibling only stays in contact with me about their children’s lives and I used to babysit for my sibling when their children were little. My sibling will never reconnect with me as a friend because they don’t want to be my friend and there is nothing I can do to change that. So, OP, my advice to you is different than Ellener’s. Decide if you want to remain in your sister’s life because of the relationship you have with the children. But set aside any and all expectations for any reconciliation with her and just focus on developing your relationship with her children instead. Or, estrange yourself from your sister and her children and explain to her children why you have to. I didn’t get a chance to do that with my other sibling’s children, so they don’t even know that I exist. By the way, sibling estrangement is perfectly reasonable to do and anyone who poo poo’s it, in my opinion, is just plain wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 6 hours ago, Kcame37 said: She apologized and said she didn't realize how much she hurt me. That it was never her intention to make me feel used. But I still felt used and disposed of. It sounds like you and she have terrible communication skills with each other. Do neither of you ever tell each other the truth; what you’re thinking or feelings with each other? Start by being transparent with her, even if she can’t be with you. After all, all you can control is yourself. If you can’t be vulnerable with your sister as far as expressing your feelings or thoughts, then that’s 1/2 the problem right there and the reason that siblings estrange themselves from each other. Poor communication is what destroys all relationships. Not listening to the other person, not understanding the other person, not respecting the other person...there’s a reason why siblings hate each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kcame37 Posted February 6, 2021 Author Share Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) On 1/30/2021 at 8:37 AM, d0nnivain said: Relationships are a bit elastic. Right now yours is stretched to the outer limits by her choice. Just leave it there. Don't break the bands completely. Send her birthday & holiday cards. Send things to your niece. Be pleasant when you see her at family events but do not initiate other contact with her & decline when she asks you for favors unless you want to babysit because you enjoy seeing your niece & it's convenient for you to do so. No drama just fade away. . . .. I like your response. This exactly what I plan to do. Edited February 6, 2021 by Kcame37 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kcame37 Posted February 6, 2021 Author Share Posted February 6, 2021 On 1/31/2021 at 9:57 AM, d0nnivain said: Did you accept her apology? Has her behavior changed since you had this discussion? Yes, and we seem to be on friendlier terms but the conversations are not the same. I decided to detach myself from the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kcame37 Posted February 6, 2021 Author Share Posted February 6, 2021 On 1/31/2021 at 10:48 AM, Watercolors said: It sounds like you and she have terrible communication skills with each other. Do neither of you ever tell each other the truth; what you’re thinking or feelings with each other? Start by being transparent with her, even if she can’t be with you. After all, all you can control is yourself. If you can’t be vulnerable with your sister as far as expressing your feelings or thoughts, then that’s 1/2 the problem right there and the reason that siblings estrange themselves from each other. Poor communication is what destroys all relationships. Not listening to the other person, not understanding the other person, not respecting the other person...there’s a reason why siblings hate each other. Yes, we do have terrible communications skills with each other. Yes, but I feel i'm more open and truthful then she is. I feel that she may be uncomfortable with telling me how she feel. Transparency is so crucial and it's not right that I can get that with every one that I'm close to except her. Now our relationship is really uncomfortable and awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
World Peace Guy Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 I think you need to stop thinking about your needs, and think about hers. Sounds like something is wrong, but she doesn't want to tell you. Nothing much you can do, so you'll just have to wait and be there for her. When she's mean to you, don't take it personally. It is not about you, it is about her. For example, if a crazy person keeps calling you a red potato, do you take it as an insult, or just blow it off? Obviously, you'd just blow it off. Likewise, with your sister. If she's mean to you, blow it off, because it isn't about you or what you are doing. It is about something going on with her. So, just relax and be there for her and your niece. Give it time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) On 1/30/2021 at 4:27 PM, Kcame37 said: So I confronted her 3 weeks ago and told her that I felt that she only wanted me around as a babysitter, plans for quality time never happens, etc. I was nice and open about it. It was good that you tried to fix this, but unfortunately, you tackled it using a poor method. Instead of telling her what you do want "I miss doing fun stuff with you" "we never seem to get quality time off the ground, how could we approach it in a way which makes it happen", you approached it telling her a heap of negatives about herself. Taking a negative approach can't lead to "nice and open" conversation because instead of drawing the other towards you, it makes them feel bad and will only serve to push them away. Give her some time. Then reach out again using a more positive approach. Edited February 6, 2021 by basil67 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 I'm at the point of my life where I feel like I should cut her off completely. There are sometimes no other options, or you, at least, have exhausted every choice. I cut off a very long female friendship for similar reasons after much pain and deliberation and we only recently reconnected after she reached out to me. Now, I just have lower expectations and it's been working out well so far. You have a niece, and I think that it's important for her to have you in her life. I think things will improve as your relationship with your sister becomes more open to the peaceful nature of discrepancies between you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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