bubbletea Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) Has anyone divorced someone for silent treatment and refusing to participate in the marriage? My husband throws these tantrums when he feels upset or blamed for something. Then no matter what, I have to grovel and beg for him to speak to me again. It has lasted 5 days of silent treatment the longest before I gave in. The issues from my side never get resolved because I have to absorb all of the blame every single time. When he does the silent treatment, he already says he is “done” and does not help me with anything. I feel if I were in the hospital or accident suddenly he wouldn’t come help if it’s while he is mad. Like I feel so alone. He does this many times over he years but he has never filed. The most recent silent treatment was last week! I feel like I am the one who has to do all the dirty work. He behaves in a way that you wouldn’t during marriage, telling me off and ending all communication, but still won’t file like he’s making me do it. And I feel I need to file to protect whatever money is left (he spends $$$$ when he is not speaking to me). The only thing holding me back is guilt. And wishing he would stop behaving like a big child. I know he will blame me for filing and continue telling me what a horrible person I am. The things he complains about: being nagged to help with cleaning or taking care of the pets (which he doesn’t do anyway), he says I talk to him like a child and that I’m “mean”. He gets upset when I bring up money problems or his debt before marriage but we are in bankruptcy and paying basically the equivalent of a second mortgage for it now. We both work full time. We have no children He is passive aggressive and vindictive and has changed the keycode to the house before so I couldn’t get in the middle of the night after work, removed my access from the garage door opener, deleted my user account from security cameras, changed passwords to accounts, cancelled the utilities, and so on...when he is in this mode of silent treatment. Edited January 30, 2021 by bubbletea Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) What "guilt" is holding you back? I could not be married to a man who refused to communicate. Who cares if he blames you? You know the truth -- his refusal to accept responsibility for almost anything plus his childishness contributed to the downfall of the marriage. The only thing stopping you is you. Edited January 30, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Typo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
josedelamuerte Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 The silent treatment I could live with, but the whole locking you out in the middle of the night and splurging from your joint account - that I'd have some more trouble accepting. From this post he sounds like a douche, so what's keeping you around? Has he always been like this, or is this covid induced? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 5 hours ago, bubbletea said: The only thing holding me back is guilt. And wishing he would stop behaving like a big child. I know he will blame me for filing and continue telling me what a horrible person I am. Well, he can blame you all he wants... it would not stop me from filing for divorce. 5 hours ago, bubbletea said: He spends money when he’s giving me the silent treatment, he changed the keycode to the house before so I couldn’t get in the middle of the night after work, he removed my access from the garage door opener, he has changed passwords to accounts, he cancelled the utilities. None of this is acceptable behavior for an adult man. Frankly, I’m amazed that you’ve stayed long enough to have a list of examples this long... nobody would blame you for filing for divorce, this is controlling and abusive behavior. Protect yourself - talk with a layer, be sure your money is protected, be sure he can not do damage to your home... he’s not going to be happy when he gets the news. Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 I agree with the others - a divorce will set you free. I would never put up with this. My marriage ended two years ago, and while I didn’t want to be divorced in the end it’s the best thing that happened. Our issues were not as you describe but there were a few times while traveling that he treated me horribly, and when later discussed after he calmed down he would never apologize. This was just one symptom of deeper issues and you having to “take the blame” for everything is untenable. Proceed with divorce, guilt free is my advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Guilt over what? This guy does the silent treatment to you and YOU feel guilty. Sister, you got to go and work on that, get some professional help. Lots of us have malfunctioning guilt devices. Yours is way out of whack. I am confused about why you feel bad about taking the first step that could bring you sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 @ bubbletea the issues you have are the pets and the cleaning. What do you think about getting helper for the house and giving the pets away? Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 OK... before I start. Are the pets his? If they are... say... "Take care of your XXX or I'm taking it to a shelter." If it's yours... just deal with it. The only reason I'm saying this is... I love animals, and pets... but I don't need the extra mess, work, and expense in my life right now. And it's what I've been telling my oldest daughter. She wants a dog, and I said... ok... but you will have to run the vacuum EVERY day. You will have to feed it... you will have to pick up it's poop... because I don't want to, and have enough to do with taking care of you and your sister. Needless to say... she doesn't want to do all that work either. AND... my current GF has cats. I like cats... but I HATE the hair everywhere, so I've basically said... I don't want them in my house. (and my youngest is lightly allergic) She understands, and knows that if she ever moves in... she will have to get rid of the cats. Now, to your issue. An adult shouldn't act like this. A relationship is all about communication. If he's acting like a kid... and you don't want to be his "Mom"... then get a divorce. You can't live a life with the way you describing it. Who cares if if he says "He is done", and is making you file. GO FILE !! Now... with the money issue... open your own checking account, and put your pay in it. (You will need it anyway) If he is spending too much... then don't give him money to spend. Regardless... you can't continue with the way you are describing things. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 The best way to protect yourself and your money is to privately and confidentiality talk to an attorney for advice. Do not threaten divorce. Just find out your options and get your finances in order. Forget his tantrums and silence. Talk to trusted friends and family about what is really going on. Also consult a therapist for ongoing support and guidance through this. With the help of sound professional advice and support from friends and family, you'll stop beating your head against the wall. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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