Constant battle with myself

[Whaatamidoing]

I wanted to write and see whether other have a constant battle with themselves, I feel part of my battling with myself is down to his manipulative behaviour towards me. Since lockdown 3.0 in the UK we've been spending a lot of time together because we are a work bubble and I know I shouldn't feel like this but its been amazing for me, he's been there so much more than usual but I find the more time we spend together and the more comfortable he becomes with me he always has to do something to then push me away. Like we cannot be that happy together, its not right so he does something to upset me that he knows will push me away. 

I get so cross with myself for letting myself go with him, usually I try to have a wall there so he doesn't get too close but he wiggles his way in making me love him and then as soon as thats achieved he freaks out and he goes back to being exactly how I'd expect a MM in this situation to behave. Instead of the cuddling and hand touching and compliments he goes back to literally sex and leaving. 

I try so hard to understand whether its me, I know I'm wrong to let him in but surely after all this time it should just be easy for us to be around one another and know there are feelings there without one doubting the other? Its almost as if he enjoys the chase and not much else. I'm seeing it more of a cycle now. I've said to him about it and he makes out as if I imagine it and I'm thinking too hard about things. He says he's always the same but is very specific not to use certain words. He has told me he loves me but will never say he has feelings, he says he doesn't have feelings for anyone implying not me or his wife. 

I'm so confused and hurt right now and I don't know how to be when if I'm questioning things I'm a bunny boiler and if I don't let him in I'm difficult and icy.

How do you know where you are?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

How do you know where you are?

You answered your own question but perhaps cannot see it.

Where you are is under his control. That's the way he likes it. Where you will be going forward is for you to decide. 

Is anybody worth so much pain, so much at the expense of your well-being? Only you can decide. 

Edited January 30, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I get so cross with myself for letting myself go with him, usually I try to have a wall there so he doesn't get too close but he wiggles his way in making me love him and then as soon as thats achieved he freaks out and he goes back to being exactly how I'd expect a MM in this situation to behave. Instead of the cuddling and hand touching and compliments he goes back to literally sex and leaving.

So it's either "getting what he wants", push-pull, or avoidant attachment (and those possibilities are not mutually exclusive).

I think he wants this to be exactly what it is. The thrill of the chase, the thrill of fun sex, the wife at home, you on the side, companionship and "validation" from both of you.

It is what it is. The question is what do YOU want and/or what will you do about it.

The tendency for women who stick around in affairs is for there to be little to show for it at the end. He stays home, you either continue more or less on his terms or break up, grieve the break up, and move on. While some aspects of the relationship may be great, often it's a very mixed bag (since it's only 1/2 a relationship at best, and usually less than that), and very much not a "good deal" in the LT, at least for most.

Edited January 30, 2021 by mark clemson