queenofswords93 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 My fiance proposed in June after being together a little over a year. We had a surprise baby in May and have lived tg since July '19. When he took me to the jewelry store to show me the rings he was thinking of, I thought i was going to pass out. Idk why but my anxiety went through the roof and i almost viewed the rings like handcuffs. Our lives have been rocky the past year to say the least. He was laid off in March due to Covid and finally went back to work in September. I've been a stay at home mom since having our son. We can't seem to keep a car on the road, every time we start saving for a down payment to buy a house something comes up and forces us to spend what we saved, my point is we've had a hard go at things. Last night I finally broke down and told him I wanted to push our wedding back (we were planning on getting married in June this year). I dont feel excited about the wedding at all. I've been cautious in life and only do things if im sure it's what i want (besides the surprise baby 🤣). I love him, but I'm just not positive i want to spend the rest of my life with him. Has anyone been in this situation before? Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 I think you should invest in individual counseling as well as couples counseling. It was smart you have delayed the wedding (based on what you have written I would call it off indefinitely) and not feel pressured to move forward unless you are absolutely certain. Seems like there is a lot of self discovery you need to go through at this time. And the relationship needs to be on much firmer ground. Counseling will only help regardless of the decision of the marriage. You have a child to raise — learning how to communicate well, work as a team through adversity and be on the same page in parenting alone would be beneficial (I do not have any children so not speaking from personal experience on that point!). I also think pre-marriage counseling would be good if and when you are ready to get married (and this would be in addition to couples counseling now). My marriage ended recently and my husband said how he wished we had done pre marriage counseling. He was divorced once before and later through counseling realized how he never really communicated honestly and just was avoidant of any and all issues, which naturally backfired in both his marriages. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 ^^ agree that counseling would probably be a good idea. Make sure you look for a very experienced one who genuinely specializes in relationship issues. A small % are wierdos and/or have agendas, so be on the lookout for that as well in case you happen to encounter one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenofswords93 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 We are in a very rural area so the closest couples counselor i've found online is 2 hours away Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenofswords93 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said: Seems like there is a lot of self discovery you need to go through at this time. I had actually just gotten out of a really bad relationship when we met, the first and only time i was cheated on, and he was going through a divorce. At the time I wanted to work on myself bc i've always had low self esteem, battled with depression, didnt have healthy boundaries, I wanted to learn to love myself before i got into another relationship. I was not at all ready to move on so we started as friends, but he was relentless about being more so i got tired of telling him no. If I could go back I would have stood my ground and remained only friends but it's way too late for that now lol. Edited January 31, 2021 by queenofswords93 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumaza Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) [redacted] If you not into it dont do it. Maybe you feel forced to do it because you got a baby. And if you really wanna marry you dont need money i thought....you can just mary ,and do a wedding later.And the church wedding later,or one of those first. Edited January 31, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 3 hours ago, queenofswords93 said: We are in a very rural area so the closest couples counselor i've found online is 2 hours away Maybe you can arrange for online counseling? I think there are options now due to Covid and that will work better given your rural location. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 15 hours ago, queenofswords93 said: My fiance proposed in June after being together a little over a year. We had a surprise baby in May and have lived tg since July '19. Do you mean that it was unplanned pregnancy? How early into your relationship did you get pregnant? It sounds like perhaps this relationship was fast-forwarded because of the baby but you're realizing that maybe you're not that compatible as a couple. I would explore online counselling first, and then weigh your options. How did your fiancé react when you told him you wanted to postpone the wedding? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 21 hours ago, queenofswords93 said: I love him, but I'm just not positive i want to spend the rest of my life with him. * * * Any advice? You share a child. You are already tied to him for the rest of your life. Marriage doesn't change that. If anything it may give you & your child more legal protections. But the counter is also true. You may qualify for more government assistance if you are unmarried with child. You can get counseling on line. Look into it. Also improve your financial literacy. You need a budget & you need to find a way to fix your finances. See if you can find a work from home job to make more money. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenofswords93 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Do you mean that it was unplanned pregnancy? How early into your relationship did you get pregnant? It sounds like perhaps this relationship was fast-forwarded because of the baby but you're realizing that maybe you're not that compatible as a couple. I would explore online counselling first, and then weigh your options. How did your fiancé react when you told him you wanted to postpone the wedding? Yes it was unplanned. We had been hooking up for 5 months. We were using condoms but it must have broke. I can't take hormonal birth control so that was our only method. He was upset but understood. He knows we've had a lot going on the past year and we havent had the greatest relationship. The first thing he did was call and tell his mom, which is one of the things we don't agree on, but seems to be okay with waiting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenofswords93 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Also improve your financial literacy. You need a budget & you need to find a way to fix your finances. See if you can find a work from home job to make more money. I don't dislike him as a person, and I'm pretty sure even if we ended our relationship we could stay peaceful with eachother for the sake of our son. I have a good understanding of financials. He's the first partner I've ever lived with. I've always had my own apartment, car, been totally independent financially. He told me he didnt want me to work when I had the baby, bc daycare is expensive and he wanted to be the provider for us. This is one of the things we don't agree on. I was extremely career driven before him. I love making money. I love living a comfortable life. I loved getting up and going to work every day, so staying home has been very hard on me. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) 26 minutes ago, queenofswords93 said: He told me he didnt want me to work when I had the baby That's one of those decisions you make together. It sounds like you feel you've just gone along with him all along, from the very beginning of even deciding to have a romantic relationship. Maybe part of your discontent right now is feeling you've given up your independence and aren't really directing your own life. When you finally spoke up about wanting to postpone the wedding, although he wasn't happy it doesn't sound like he threw a fit over it. Use the same courage you had to bring that up with him to communicate other issues. Don't just go along with what he wants without discussing other options. Staying home with your child is often the best move financially and is generally seen as best for the child. But if you are really unhappy with that arrangement, your unhappiness will affect your child and your partnership, so a serious discussion is needed. Figure out what your other options are, together. Life doesn't go exactly how we want, but knowing you've had a part in choosing from available options should make things easier to accept. Deal with where you are now and work toward bettering things in the future. You're a team, work together. There are a lot of practical considerations you have to keep in mind because of the child you share. But I wouldn't recommend getting married when you have so many doubts. Edited January 31, 2021 by FMW 1 Link to post Share on other sites
josedelamuerte Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 50 minutes ago, queenofswords93 said: I can't take hormonal birth control so that was our only method. You can get a Paragard (copper IUD). I know it's a bit late now, but maybe if you want to prevent future pregnancies. Just putting it out there, because I didn't know it was a thing until I hooked up with a girl who had one, and it seems to work! Or at least I hope it does 😲 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenofswords93 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 2 hours ago, josedelamuerte said: You can get a Paragard (copper IUD). I know it's a bit late now, but maybe if you want to prevent future pregnancies. Just putting it out there, because I didn't know it was a thing until I hooked up with a girl who had one, and it seems to work! Or at least I hope it does 😲 I had a terrible experience with the IUD i had many years ago so i dont think im ready to try it again yet. We just don't have sex now which works great at preventing pregnancy lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 On 1/30/2021 at 1:25 PM, queenofswords93 said: I love him, but I'm just not positive i want to spend the rest of my life with him. You don't have to be married to have a child and live together. Just don't do it especially if you are already experiencing financial problems. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 That you're not having sex now is extremely problematic. Given that there are multiple contraception options out there, am I right to assume that the lack of sex is about relationship issues? I know that having a child can put a dampner on things, but 'no sex' is a long way from 'less sex'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author queenofswords93 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 33 minutes ago, basil67 said: That you're not having sex now is extremely problematic. Given that there are multiple contraception options out there, am I right to assume that the lack of sex is about relationship issues? I know that having a child can put a dampner on things, but 'no sex' is a long way from 'less sex'. The lack of sex is 100% my fault. I have absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. I try to put out at least once every 2-3 weeks but i have to make myself do it. I had ppd then was on an antidepressant for several months which killed my drive too. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 It's obvious to me what you are feeling is nothing. You think getting a ring means you want to marry someone. People get rings and houses and cars and still decide they don't want to marry a particular person. Why are you guys even talking about marriage if you are not enjoying life together. Get the finances together, relax ... take your time. No rush. Do NOT get married for now. Yes this happens all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 1 hour ago, queenofswords93 said: The lack of sex is 100% my fault. I have absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. I try to put out at least once every 2-3 weeks but i have to make myself do it. I had ppd then was on an antidepressant for several months which killed my drive too. Are you aware that problems outside the bedroom are one of the biggest killers of libido? It's entirely likely that the cause of your lost libido is that you've lost emotional attraction to him. It happened with me and my ex-h before I finally left - and as soon as I moved on, my libido was back with a vengeance. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 The fact that you are unhappy by being "forced" to stay home is adversely affecting other aspects of your relationship. Given his employment challenges & the sorry state of the world economy now is not the time for him to take on the role of sole provider, especially because you prefer to work. You both have a lot of talking to do but you are right getting married this June is not the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
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