Question for FA/da personality types

[MBC87]

Hi All,

I've found that reading posts on LS has been therapeutic for a couple of breakups I encountered over the years. Two were specifically devastating but the most recent has been giving me a hard time. I dated a girl I worked with (I know bad idea) overall for 5 months both inclusively and exclusively. I suspect this girl is a love avoidant (FA) due to past family and relationship traumas. When I had asked her if she wanted to be in a relationship with me her immediate response was "and everything stays the same?" followed by a head nod. I thought this was a strange reaction but nonetheless looked past it and perused the relationship. We are both in our mid 20's and I had thought the relationship had been going really well although, the conflicting life balance of dating and working together was becoming a strain. I always had the intention of leaving the workplace as it was a part time gig for me while I was in school and now I am starting my life post grad. She knew this and I thought this was the best solution for us as a couple regardless.

I felt like i never fully understood this girl and rightfully so as we were only 'together' for a short period of time. I wanted to - of course - but there was some sort of barrier in the way for her to express herself, her communication, and her overall needs/expectations of me. I may have exhibited the same sort of traits as I tend to alter between FA and AP within a relationship. Id say that 90% of the relationship was smooth and loving. We texted constantly, saw each other multiple times a week outside of work and 5 days a week at work. It was important for me to have boundaries at work for both our professional and relationship safety.  This looked to her that I was keeping distance, although I tried really hard to balance both work and our relationship appropriately. The dispute that led to our downfall was that I did not respond to a text while working, going to the gym and spending time with family -  to which she had assumed (for the last time) that something was wrong, and  triggering her deactivation and overall devaluation of me. When I did text her (after about 6 hours), I apologized for not responding but I could tell she was being short and dismissive of me. This seemed to be an ongoing thing where she would infer that there was a problem without any rational explanation. We had plans the following day which she abruptly cancelled saying "I wasent sure if you still wanted to go". When she admitted she was upset with me, I acted poorly which I regret, and made a comment that this was unreasonable to be upset about. She broke up with me over text immediately after.

This devastated me - both because of the relationship and how it would affect work. I put my two weeks notice in the following day which I had planned to do regardless and she also knew this. Those two weeks were torture but I acted very professionally. The first week, I totally avoided her as I was hurt and also did not want to be needy or pressure her if this is how she felt. I could tell she was hurting - maybe because I wasent chasing after her - but it was really important for me to not make mistakes from my past and I couldn't let myself harass her at work about it. I texted her a week post break up and asked if she felt the same which she never really gave a clear explanation.  I asked her if we could talk about it in person which she agreed to. When we met, it was like I was talking to a stranger. It was our first real dispute in our relationship and she had totally shut down - no apology for breaking up via text either. The second week at work I totally felt breadcrummed or as if I was being tested, which I was okay with because I know she did have issues from her childhood and the past so I continued my distance. This breadcrumming however was all indirect such as staring at me, being hot/cold, playing and posting sad music. My last day was the first time we really  spoke on normal terms post breakup and she was smiling and laughing with me (even made a sexual innuendo right before I left).

Shortly after this, I had still not had direct communication with her which made me feel burned. I texted her once to which she did not respond and continued to stonewall me. Unfortunately, to sooth the pain I was drinking one night and sent her a mean text which I really regret doing and that pushed her over the edge. I was then blocked on every single platform, kicked out of group chats and she had stonewalled me harder then she was already doing in the past two weeks. I did feel bad, and sent her a text from a different number (since I was blocked) just apologizing and that I didn't mean it. I told her I understood her silence and I would not bother her again this was just an apology text. Its been over 3 months since this and I am still feeling the effects of this situation. I had a short rebound situation but the feelings just werent there. I was doing really well but I stumbled upon an IG account of a girl significantly younger then her who shes befriended and it appears they are going out, doing things together and drinking every weekend. This I have absolutely no problem with - she deserves to move on and have a happy life even if I couldn't provide that for her. I know shes an ex and I shouldent be concerned about what she does (im also aware this is unhealthy for me) but I do think shes sort of just interchanged priorities and now adapting to a lifestyle to which she can 'seem' and look happy even if she may not be. To be clear - I am not at liberty to judge, tell or persuade her of anything. I am no longer a part of her life and I will remain that.

After my first real break up years ago with a different partner, I was crushed for a long time but I put my mind elsewhere. I did alot of volunteer work, finished my undergrad and even moved abroad for post graduate study to sort of find myself. I made so much progress in those two years and within five months of moving back home after school, it feels like im back at square one.

My question is - does anyone have experience with FA females either rationalizing the situation for what it truly was or returning (even unblocking lol) to an ex where there mistakes that could have been resolved? Do FA's ever forgive? and lastly, how would an FA typically react post breakup if they were hurting and actually did feel something for their ex partner?

Thank You for reading I know its a long post.

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, MBC87 said:

I dated a girl I worked with  overall for 5 months

sent her a text from a different number

I stumbled upon an IG account of a girl significantly younger then her who shes befriended and it appears they are going out, doing things together and drinking every weekend.

Sorry this happened. At 20 weeks dating sometimes incompatibilities arise or the newness wears out.

It would be best to stay s professional as possible. Don't circumvent blocks with alternate numbers, especially with a coworker. 

Better not to stereotype or pigeonhole yourself or others, people and relationship dynamics  are too complex for that. Delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.  Resist the urge to scan her social media.