Mirroring. Cute or Manipulative?

[HopelessIdealist]

Hey guys,

Still new here, not sure this is in the right section of the forum so please move as necessary.

Been in my job a while, got moved to a new dept bc the previous team leaders were sacked for incompetence so the big whigs at the office needed some new blood with a good rep. That's where I come in. Started this gig a few weeks back and finding my colleagues a bit... odd? They keep repeating or mirroring everything I say or write in my briefs? I can't tell whether they're trying to piss me off, test me or what?

My old colleagues from my previous dept keep telling me this team has always had 'issues' regardless of who's in it. Maybe they're cursed or something, I don't know. They haven't kept a decent senior leader in years but nobody says anything bc one of the guys is sleeping with the big boss. Ok fair enough I don't have a pb with that, as long as it doesn't interfere with my stuff. 

To get back on topic. The last time someone was mirroring stuff I said back to me was defo not cute. Apart from my niece I mean. She does this all the time but she's 5 so from her it's cute. 

My ex used to do this all the time too, to make me feel like we were one and the same. Turns out we were completely different. Not cute at all from him, more manipulative.

In this job the whole team is doing it? They go to the trouble of digging up all briefs of mine from my previous jobs so they can take bits out and re-use them word for word. If I had an ego on me, I'd think it's a sign of respect and admiration; as it is, I'm leaning on the side of manipulation and wanting to test me. Or even make me leave.

No, I can't move depts for another 3 years or quit the job at the moment. Yes, they're all nice to my face. They all pretend nothing's going on. No, I'm not paranoid, lots of people have noticed it too.

Thoughts appreciated. Thanks.

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, HopelessIdealist said:

My old colleagues from my previous dept keep telling me this team has always had 'issues' regardless of who's in it. Maybe they're cursed or something, I don't know. They haven't kept a decent senior leader in years but nobody says anything bc one of the guys is sleeping with the big boss. Ok fair enough I don't have a pb with that, as long as it doesn't interfere with my stuff. 

Eeek. Sounds like your new team of employees are rife with problems. Time to fire them all and replace them with new staff. Can you do that? Do you have the authority to put them on performance plans, meanwhile, interview for their replacements? 

 

[Taramere]

2 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Eeek. Sounds like your new team of employees are rife with problems. Time to fire them all and replace them with new staff. Can you do that? Do you have the authority to put them on performance plans, meanwhile, interview for their replacements? 

 

I'm glad somebody understands what's going on here, because I'm still looking at the post and trying to form some mental picture of what the situation might look like in practice.  All I can come up with is a situation where the OP goes into work and everybody they speak to mirrors their verbal and non verbal language in an unnatural and disconcerting manner.   Then to compound the peculiarity of it all, people dig up instruction memos the OP sent out to colleagues in their previous role, and copy these memos.  Maybe out of fanboyish and fangirlish impulses because the memos are so well written...or perhaps out of a malignant desire to drive out yet another senior.   It sounds like a dream I might have if I eat anything too close to bedtime.

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Taramere said:

I'm glad somebody understands what's going on here, because I'm still looking at the post and trying to form some mental picture of what the situation might look like in practice.  All I can come up with is a situation where the OP goes into work and everybody they speak to mirrors their verbal and non verbal language in an unnatural and disconcerting manner.   Then to compound the peculiarity of it all, people dig up instruction memos the OP sent out to colleagues in their previous role, and copy these memos.  Maybe out of fanboyish and fangirlish impulses because the memos are so well written...or perhaps out of a malignant desire to drive out yet another senior.   It sounds like a dream I might have if I eat anything too close to bedtime.

Well, it's when a supervisor inherits a team of people who are set out to undermine and sabotage the new supervisor because they are a dysfunctional group. It's a very common problem in large companies that a lot of supervisors encounter. 

If the OP can fire the instigators,or at least transfer them to another department and hire new people to lead, that's the best response to toxic workplace environment. Even if the OP is transparent in order to improve communication there's no guarantee the team of employees will even respond appropriately. 

[Miss Spider]

I guess it depends on the intent? Because it sounds like you feel like they are doing it to mock you or for some hostile reason? I didn’t really know about this term until this website, but it seems like a lot of people do it, whether consciously or unconsciously , to get on/keep on a person’s good. They want the person to like them more... I wouldn’t call it cute, but relatively harmless and “manipulative” seems a bit too strong of a word.

Edited January 31, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[HopelessIdealist]

Thanks for the thoughts, opinions and perspectives, guys. Stellar, as expected from this website.

To answer the most important points:

6 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Time to fire them all and replace them with new staff. Can you do that? Do you have the authority to put them on performance plans, meanwhile, interview for their replacements? 

No. Explicitly told not to sack anyone for the foreseable. Too many unjustified firings in previous years.

6 hours ago, Taramere said:

 It sounds like a dream I might have if I eat anything too close to bedtime.

Cheese is the main culprit when that happens, usually. 

4 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I guess it depends on the intent?

That's the question. 

Thanks again, guys, lots to mull over.

[Taramere]

5 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Well, it's when a supervisor inherits a team of people who are set out to undermine and sabotage the new supervisor because they are a dysfunctional group. It's a very common problem in large companies that a lot of supervisors encounter. 

 

I know teams can behave in dysfunctional ways, but for an entire team of people to constantly mimic...that's completely peculiar.  It puts me in mind of the Jabberjays in the Hunger Games.  I'd want to call a team meeting and raise it.  Not necessarily because I'd think it would change or improve anything, but purely out of curiosity.  First, though, I'd try to track down some of the previous seniors to sound them out about their experiences with that team.

[HopelessIdealist]

30 minutes ago, Taramere said:

First, though, I'd try to track down some of the previous seniors to sound them out about their experiences with that team.

Not my style. I like to deal with what's in front of me. Good point, though. Come to think of it, I didn't get to speak to any of the immediate previous seniors as part of the usual transition period. 

37 minutes ago, Taramere said:

I'd want to call a team meeting and raise it.  Not necessarily because I'd think it would change or improve anything, but purely out of curiosity. 

Done. Got nothing out of it. My overall impression is that it's some sort of rite of passage, kinda the equivalent of a series of relationship s*** tests to check my reactions to stuff? It's not that I mind it, I go about my business as normal. It feels too one-sided. That's my pb.

In the end, we always circle back to the same central issues whenever there's a pb:

- the importance of clear ommunication and avoiding assumptions at all costs.

- figure out the intent, and not jump to silly conclusion.

Will point out most of the guys on the team are experienced, consumate professionals who are great to work with on the daily, aside from this.

So it's highly possible I'm the one misinterpreting the situation.

More observation needed.

Thanks for the feedback.

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, it’s hard to say. Even harder to call someone out on it. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed anyone doing this to me. I guess it would be very annoying

[d0nnivain]

Mirroring in this context is definitely not cute.  It's these people not knowing how to do their jobs so they parrot back what the boss does in the hopes that is what the boss wants.  You need to make it clear that you value independent original thought & competent achievement.  In the short term you will need to document all the mirroring so you can put the parrots on a PIP with an eye toward replacing them with better workers. 

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, HopelessIdealist said:

...

More observation needed.

Thanks for the feedback.

Briefs as in legal ones?  

Just my perspective below, started low and rose up to C level and managing an international team for a multi-billion dollar co.; semi-retired now.

It is more is it fear or lazieness when it comes to the work environment (of course have you seen The Office episodes where Andy uses mirroring to suck up?) 

In any event, mirroring in the work place from people who report to you is a form of a**kissing and CYA I've found.  For some it comes natural and for others it is learned as a survival trait.  There are mangers who say they want to hear different opinions, but they really don't and those who read the mind of the manager get rewarded (or can make the manager think that their idea was the manager's idea).  Also if there is a culture of fear, that you are only as good as your last mistake, then them copying and pasting what you have written before is a way for them to CYA.

Sometimes mirroring is just lazieness, but in this case if they are going to the effort of finding your old work product and re-using it, doesn't sound so much like lazieness.

It takes some time to overcome this, and besides a group meeting to let them know you welcome other ideas, and expect someone to play devil's advocate (after all that is how you stress test you own ideas), would also recommend one-on-one meetings.  People can often be afraid to speak up in a group, and much more willing to venture different opinions one-on-one.  There is also a more hard-ass route

You also have to walk the talk, if a different idea comes up in a meeting, no matter how stupid, you have it give it some room.  If the idea seems to not address a clear problem, one can say interesting, let's explore it some more...how do you see it addressing this problem?  If they have no idea, no need to make them look the fool, ask them to think on it and can talk one-on-one later.  Respect is key, making it about what is best for the shared company goal (and not personal litmus tests of how good you are) is what it should be about.  Also if you can, if you still decide to pursue your own idea perhaps keep the best alternative idea as a back up and let the team know you'll revisit it next meeting.

Critically important, is that coming up with new ideas and playing devils advocate needs to fit into some review metric and you need to value and discuss such things in reviews.  Frankly being able to come up with ideas and present them well, without fear, is a  key trait for anyone who seeks to be effective upper management.  Of course a lot of companies don't operate that way.

On the team member having a relationship with a very high up, to me that is a major red flag for an organization.  Rare is such a person who will not feel like they are "above" you in the management chain (even subconsciously) as they have the ear of a higher-up.  Likewise, all their colleagues are going to walk on tip toes around them...no matter what they say.  They need to fear what this person says to the higher up, so are nice to the person and never say a bad word about them, but also what if the relationship goes south...will the higher up look askance at the friends of this person, so they can't be too friendly with them?   A lot of this depends on the true personality of the higher up.

It is so fundamentally disruptive and corrosive to an effective workplace (unless this person just reports directly to the higher up) that many companies make sure the higher up has no say or contact with the bosses of the person they are seeing (which can be very hard to do) or one of the people needs to find another job.  That the company allows this is just not good.

Personally, I'd always consider this person to be an ear for the higher up except everything is going to be filtered through their perspective.  So complete CYA interaction with this person, don't leave things verbal that would need to be in writing in case this person wants to change the story, likewise clear unambiguous instructions and deadlines (without micro-managing) in all assignments...but then you have to do these things with everyone.  In essence, you can no longer operate on trust with such a person on your team.

The positive side, if you get on well with this person and they are good at what they do, you may have an indirect ally with the higher up.  Again though it gets complicated if the relationship fails, or even if this person is great at their job and should be rewarded people will always question if it is because they are sleeping with the boss.

Consider, it can be odd that a manager takes the fall for bad performance, perhaps in this case the only reason it happened is the a higher up had direct information they trusted from the person they were seeing?

Personally I also find corporate environments where one needs to CYA as a matter of course draining and a real waste of time.  I'm not talking typical CYA, but the CYA you need to engage in when a person is out to misinterpret and outright lie where they can about you.   In such CYA cultures you can spend just as much time taking precautions as in actually getting work done.  I suspect you are seeing that with your team, the CYA first and get work done second.

Know you don't want to hear this, but keep would keep resume and network up to date and assume they are going to force me out after fix the problems of the prior management.  In that regard, prepare so if they want you out there can be a face saving way for them to do so without building a record of you being a bad manager...which in large measure means keeping your ears open and never, ever trusting HR, actually use HR to your benefit to build the record you want.

[HopelessIdealist]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

Briefs as in legal ones? 

No. Confidential though.

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

In such CYA cultures you can spend just as much time taking precautions as in actually getting work done.  I suspect you are seeing that with your team, the CYA first and get work done second.

Know you don't want to hear this, but keep would keep resume and network up to date and assume they are going to force me out after fix the problems of the prior management.  In that regard, prepare so if they want you out there can be a face saving way for them to do so without building a record of you being a bad manager...which in large measure means keeping your ears open and never, ever trusting HR, actually use HR to your benefit to build the record you want.

Sound advice, thank you.

[HopelessIdealist]

3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Yeah, it’s hard to say. Even harder to call someone out on it. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed anyone doing this to me. I guess it would be very annoying

It's more intriguing than annoying. I don't really know what to make of it. Sounds like a lot of rivalry between teams that I wasn't privy to. 

I've not made my mind up yet because I can't figure out the intent. Instinct says to wait it out and see how it goes. Most people in the team are great so not in a hurry to leave. Was just curious about people's thoughts on mirroring. I liked your explanation best. I'm naturally cautious so your positive take boosted my spirit a bit.