Kairon2016 Posted January 30, 2021 Share Posted January 30, 2021 (edited) To provide background my ex and I were together for almost 5yrs (married for one). We’d been arguing for quite some time and had even gone to therapy. The therapists, in my opinion, didn’t help much. The strategies remained very superficial and only addressed the symptoms of our problems rather than the source. A few months after our first wedding anniversary we got into huge argument and a lot of unnecessary things were said that couldn’t be taken back. She left and I begged her not to. In the following days I kept coming home to an emptier and emptier home till all her things were gone. She’d come during the day when I was at work and take what she could in that time frame. She immediately took off her wedding ring and erased all social media evidence of our relationship. And even changing back to her maiden last name. Distance grew but then a few weeks we reconnected. I was very hurt though for her leaving and things she had said. So one day she decides to just tell me I’m ready to go back. Confusion arose because I said that in order for a reconciliation to work certain non negotiables and boundaries would have to be discussed. This threw her into a rage, she completely disregarded my feelings and took it as I didn’t want to get back. From there the rollercoaster began, I’d get harassing and volatile calls and texts. She weaponized all my insecurities and used them as ammunition knowing she’d rip right into where it’d hurt me the most. Then she would shift days later and become docile and concerned. Our communication was here and there till just before the holidays we started talking and hanging out again. She would say that the divorce was still going forward and that maybe years down the road we’d get together. Very confused but wanting to have her in my life to any extent I accepted the current stipulations. We’d be good for like two weeks even being intimate with one another and then the floor would crash out from under us. The catalyst was typically her accusing me of having someone with me at home while being on FaceTime with her. I’d have to show her every corner and area of the home just to prove there was no one there. Then she’d get upset at me for not being understanding of her when I was the one being accused of something false. Weeks would go by and then we’d reconnect and the same cycle would occur again. This would happen like three times. Mind you during these brief moments of peace and joy she’d be saying she loved me and missed me and texting and calling me like when we were together. Our final falling out ended differently, I noticed she began to grow distant all of the sudden and from a vulnerable place in my heart pointed it out to her. She mocked me, called me weird, accused of not making sense then hung up on me. Five minutes later the rage was full on, the flooding of harassing volatile calls and vulgar texts ensued. She went days of detonating verbal bombs consisting of my insecurities and short comings as the ingredients. Then she finally dropped the lethal blow after a week of harassment, that during our separation she had been intimate with someone. That was devastating and heartbreaking. After that a day went by and all of the sudden she was concerned for me and making sure I was ok and wasn’t going to do anything stupid. On a few texts she even told me she loved me and wanted me to know that I would always be special to her. One day she had the audacity to ask me if I had told anyone about what she shared and I told her no that I’d take that pain with me. Her response was that I’m not a victim and not to manipulate the situation. I told her me hurting and being pain does not mean I’m manipulating the situation. She said, ok sorry. I haven’t heard from her since which has been like three days. My question though I know now there’s no reconciliation possible and I’ve read every book and watched every vid on how to move on, why can’t I. Why despite everything do I still miss her and as painful as it is to say still love her? Has anyone been in a similar situation and how were you able to move forward and move on? Thanks Edited January 30, 2021 by Kairon2016 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Move on? You aren't even divorced yet. You don't move on while still married. You guys are still talking to each other, still having sex, you are in the relationship still, as chaotic as it is. Ending a marriage is hard. Really hard. Where did you get the idea that you move on while still legally married? From the description of the way you guys interact with her, it doesn't seem like you guys had a healthy relationship. So her leaving is a good chance for you to step back and see the insanity that was in the relationship. Most likely couples counseling didn't work (I had it too that didn't work) because one of you or both of you are simply too immature to be a good marriage partner and you guys don't easily work together and you don't solve conflicts constructively. And both of you (if you I read your right) have big and nasty mouths. There's nothing a counselor can do in that situation. Both of you would be better off in individual counseling. Your issue is how you got attached to someone who clearly is not good for you. Work on that. I got attached to someone who was not good for me, and the best step I took afterwards was to take responsibility for that. I would never now stay in a relationship with someone who did things that my ex did. But I was a glutton for pain. In other words, you gotta figure out why you are comfortable with a dysfunctional, angry relationship? And you got to raise your standards. That takes a lot of work and reflection. Both of you might have grown up in households with dysfunctional marriages. And it's sometimes hard for us to notice how bad or parents' relationship was, and blind to that, we end up repeating that pattern because we are familiar with it. You guys have big destructive mouths and tempers, but the tempers really--and the bad words--are the superficial manifestation of deeper problems that you don't know how to regulate yourselves and don't know how to resolve conflict and have difficult conversations. My ex used to say something nasty stuff when she got angry, and I looked past it, forgave her and all of that. That was a sign of my immaturity at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kairon2016 Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) Good insight lotsgoingon, thank you. I thought I had included it but clearly didn’t, before the last peaceful cycle we had engaged in, she had already filed the divorce papers with the court. Edited January 31, 2021 by Kairon2016 Forgot to include something Link to post Share on other sites
emprosnet7 Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 16 hours ago, Kairon2016 said: Good insight lotsgoingon, thank you. I thought I had included it but clearly didn’t, before the last peaceful cycle we had engaged in, she had already filed the divorce papers with the court. It is ok to love someone but the relationship you have is not healthy, as painful as it is you must put an end to it. Quote because I said that in order for a reconciliation to work certain non negotiables and boundaries would have to be discussed That is the best part, you made an attempt for a reconciliation, but if the other party does not want to change anything, there is nothing you can do but move on. You must seek support from family and friends, and we are here also that you can talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
Harry Korsnes Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 19 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Move on? You aren't even divorced yet. You don't move on while still married. You guys are still talking to each other, still having sex, you are in the relationship still, as chaotic as it is. Ending a marriage is hard. Really hard. Where did you get the idea that you move on while still legally married? From the description of the way you guys interact with her, it doesn't seem like you guys had a healthy relationship. So her leaving is a good chance for you to step back and see the insanity that was in the relationship. Most likely couples counseling didn't work (I had it too that didn't work) because one of you or both of you are simply too immature to be a good marriage partner and you guys don't easily work together and you don't solve conflicts constructively. And both of you (if you I read your right) have big and nasty mouths. There's nothing a counselor can do in that situation. Both of you would be better off in individual counseling. Your issue is how you got attached to someone who clearly is not good for you. Work on that. I got attached to someone who was not good for me, and the best step I took afterwards was to take responsibility for that. I would never now stay in a relationship with someone who did things that my ex did. But I was a glutton for pain. In other words, you gotta figure out why you are comfortable with a dysfunctional, angry relationship? And you got to raise your standards. That takes a lot of work and reflection. Both of you might have grown up in households with dysfunctional marriages. And it's sometimes hard for us to notice how bad or parents' relationship was, and blind to that, we end up repeating that pattern because we are familiar with it. You guys have big destructive mouths and tempers, but the tempers really--and the bad words--are the superficial manifestation of deeper problems that you don't know how to regulate yourselves and don't know how to resolve conflict and have difficult conversations. My ex used to say something nasty stuff when she got angry, and I looked past it, forgave her and all of that. That was a sign of my immaturity at the time. Exactly. Movie on you dont need that. If you dont have kids Whats there keep keep a hold on? Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Filed divorced papers is NOT divorced. Huge difference. And even after a legal divorce most people take time to get themselves together. A divorce is akin to a death,a psychological death, a death of dreams and hopes for the relationship. You are not divorced til you get the note from the court saying so. Then your healing that begin. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kairon2016 Posted February 1, 2021 Author Share Posted February 1, 2021 Thank you guys for your responses, they are greatly appreciated and always welcome. I find some of the best advice comes from individuals who are emotionally detached from the equation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ctdans Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 Read your post again, out loud so you really hear yourself. That is a hell of a situation to be in regardless of your love for her. That is really no way to live. You need to find a way to move on which means survive the divorce and the time after divorce. This forum is not the answer. Find professional help. Life is far too short to live miserably. Sorry, but there is never really an easy answer. Easy things to say but the work and effort is far from easy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kairon2016 Posted February 3, 2021 Author Share Posted February 3, 2021 How can ppl discard you and your feelings so easily? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 3, 2021 Share Posted February 3, 2021 @Kairon2016 what feelings do you want her to consider? And what boundaries have you put in place to protect yourself and your feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 15 hours ago, basil67 said: And what boundaries have you put in place to protect yourself and your feelings? That’s a good question. The simple truth is - the only person you control is yourself. She can be wild and crazy, loving and then hurtful - but, if you have strong boundaries and you simply don’t engage with her - she won’t be able to hurt you in the same way... Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 Since she has filed, and you haven't heard from her in three days, this is a good time for you to implement the no contact rule and disregard her calls/texts if she does try to contact you. As you can see, any contact the two of you have only ends up in chaos, so you're best off having no contact, which will also help you with moving forward. It's going to take time. Give yourself that time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kairon2016 Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 21 hours ago, basil67 said: @Kairon2016 what feelings do you want her to consider? And what boundaries have you put in place to protect yourself and your feelings? Honestly, none. It’s something I’ve struggled with in past relationships. I have poor boundary setting skills. And after so many years of no boundaries in this past relationship it’s really hard. Kinda know where I’d have to start but can’t seem to get plan into action. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kairon2016 Posted February 4, 2021 Author Share Posted February 4, 2021 7 minutes ago, vla1120 said: Since she has filed, and you haven't heard from her in three days, this is a good time for you to implement the no contact rule and disregard her calls/texts if she does try to contact you. As you can see, any contact the two of you have only ends up in chaos, so you're best off having no contact, which will also help you with moving forward. It's going to take time. Give yourself that time. Something she does that drives me crazy is will send me memes from social media about losing the one, or when you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Basically all these innuendos like the demise of the relationship was exclusively my fault. She’ll also reach out through text recently and try to console me and say she loves me. Then will send me an old fb post of hers with me in and say I miss him so much. Like if the person in the pic(me) had died or something, is that detachment from reality...wtf? Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 4 minutes ago, Kairon2016 said: Something she does that drives me crazy is will send me memes from social media about losing the one, or when you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Basically all these innuendos like the demise of the relationship was exclusively my fault. She’ll also reach out through text recently and try to console me and say she loves me. Then will send me an old fb post of hers with me in and say I miss him so much. Like if the person in the pic(me) had died or something, is that detachment from reality...wtf? She is straight up playing on your emotions. Are you going to be getting an attorney? If so, I would send her one last text and tell her you are blocking her for good. If she needs to communicate with you, let it be through your lawyer. Otherwise, she's going to continue to string you along. She left you. She had sex with another man during that break. She left you again, and she filed for divorce. Judge her by her actions, not by her meaningless words. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 4, 2021 Share Posted February 4, 2021 At this point it should be somewhat irrelevant, but you do realize there is a very good chance this was all a result of her actually being involved with the guy she slept with long before you two separated. What you've described is right out of the Wayward wife handbook. I would just ignore her as much as possible and move on. I guessing the more you ignore the more she will push. And when you get out and start dating she will blow her top. Why? Because she is attempting to keep you on the back burner while she test drives her new or maybe not so new connection with this other guy. Just move on, it will be difficult but necessary for your sanity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 21, 2021 Share Posted February 21, 2021 Bud, you made a bad decision. She’s not relationship material. Zero contact is your best friend. Why keep yourself in limbo? Link to post Share on other sites
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