Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 My boyfriend (27) and I (24) have been officially in a relationship for 15 months. This is pretty much the best relationship I’ve ever had. He’s kind, very physically affectionate, texts me everyday. We’ve literally texted everyday bar like a few days here and there for the whole relationship. I have met his friends and family, I get along with all of them. He’s met my family , they all like him. Everything is good. I’m very much in love with him. I told him this at 6 months of us being together. I just could not hold it in any longer I wanted him to know. He said at that time he’s not there just yet and it takes him longer to fall in love. So now, at 15 months, he still hasn’t said it. I also haven’t brought it again because I don’t want to pressure. I did ask him about his feelings for me and he replied with he doesn’t like to talk about feelings, he finds it uncomfortable. So I still don’t know how he feels about me and it’s making me a tad insecure. I’m worried he doesn’t love me or will never if he hasn’t said it by now. I’m also worried he doesn’t have any feelings for me cause he never expresses anything but then stop myself because why would someone spend 15 months with a person they had no feelings for ? This is the first time I’m with a guy that has waited this long. He’s not emotional at all or romantic, but really physically affectionate. I’m quite emotional. I’m planning on saying I love him again, possibly on Valentine’s Day but I’m worried he won’t reply to it. I have a feeling he will acknowledge it but not say he loves me back. Help! Is this normal ? A bad sign? Any advice on what I should do would be appreciated. I don’t want to break up with him I’m crazy about him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sushiandtacos Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 22 minutes ago, Glam said: I did ask him about his feelings for me and he replied with he doesn’t like to talk about feelings, he finds it uncomfortable. So I still don’t know how he feels about me and it’s making me a tad insecure.. Hmm I think this is a lack of communication which can lead to a breaking point in the relationship sooner or later. Is there a reason or have you asked why he doesn't like to talk about feelings? That's important to do in a serious relationship in order to check in with one another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 3 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: Hmm I think this is a lack of communication which can lead to a breaking point in the relationship sooner or later. Is there a reason or have you asked why he doesn't like to talk about feelings? That's important to do in a serious relationship in order to check in with one another. I did ask him why. He just said he’s always been like that in every relationship and never liked talking about feelings. So I’m not sure if I should take the assumption he loves me or not. It’s confusing I just want to know, just for him to say it once so I know for sure. I feel like he should know after all this time? Does it take some people 2 years to know ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sushiandtacos Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Glam said: I did ask him why. He just said he’s always been like that in every relationship and never liked talking about feelings. So I’m not sure if I should take the assumption he loves me or not. It’s confusing I just want to know, just for him to say it once so I know for sure. I feel like he should know after all this time? Does it take some people 2 years to know ? Well everyone's timeline is different and it doesn't help to compare with others. Also it sounds like the lack of communication about feelings points to an incompatibility between the two of you guys. It reads that words of affirmation is one of your love language whereas his might be something different. This incompatibility can grow overtime as well as your frustration with him. It might help to have a serious talk with him and tell him that this is important to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 2 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: Well everyone's timeline is different and it doesn't help to compare with others. Also it sounds like the lack of communication about feelings points to an incompatibility between the two of you guys. It reads that words of affirmation is one of your love language whereas his might be something different. This incompatibility can grow overtime as well as your frustration with him. It might help to have a serious talk with him and tell him that this is important to you. Yes words of affirmation are mine, not sure what his are. I don’t need words all the time just to know how he feels even just once lol. My plan was to say I love him again and see his reaction to it this time 15 months in. If he doesn’t say he loves me back then I will probably know he doesn’t. Should I do that or have a serious conversation? He just maintains that’s the way he is so I’m not sure how I can make him say something. I want him to mean it also. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 (edited) You have to be pretty emotionally constipated to not be able to say I love you to a woman you want in your life. Does he gives you compliments? Does he say he misses you? does he tell you life is more beautiful since you're in it? If you get 0 of this then like I said he's emotionally handicaped which is not someone you want to be with long term, or he simply can't express what he's not feeling. Edited January 31, 2021 by Gaeta 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 36 minutes ago, Glam said: I feel like he should know after all this time? Does it take some people 2 years to know ? Men know faster than women if they're in love. On average statistics says a man know under 88 days and women 134 days. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: You have to be pretty emotionally constipated to not be able to say I love you to a woman you want in your life. Does he gives you compliments? Does he say he misses you? does he tell you life is more beautiful since you're in his life? If you get 0 of this then like I said he's emotionally handicaped which is not someone you want to be with long term, or he simply can't express what he's not feeling. No he doesn’t say any of that. That’s what I’m scared of that he doesn’t feel anything for me. That’s kind of hard for me to comprehend because we’ve been together quite a long time in my opinion. I know he did love his ex girlfriend and they were together for 2 years.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: Men know faster than women if they're in love. On average statistics says a man know under 88 days and women 134 days. This is also what I’ve experienced with other guys. Every other guy has told me first after a few months. I’m really perplexed by this situation. Not really sure what to think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 How do you know he loved her? why they split? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: How do you know he loved her? why they split? We were talking about exes at the start when we were dating and he said she was his first love. Not sure why, but I think she broke up with him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Does he talk about his stress at work? does he share with you misunderstandings with co-workers, family members, friends? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sushiandtacos Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Just now, Glam said: We were talking about exes at the start when we were dating and he said she was his first love. Not sure why, but I think she broke up with him Maybe he's more guarded now because of this breakup and you're bearing the brunt of his emotional baggage of his previous relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 Just now, sushiandtacos said: Maybe he's more guarded now because of this breakup and you're bearing the brunt of his emotional baggage of his previous relationship. I’m not sure, they had been broken up for a year when I met him. He’s never mentioned her apart from that time. He did say he didn’t like talking about feelings in all his relationships not just with me. So I’m not sure if he is just telling me that or if he is really like that lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Does he talk about his stress at work? does he share with you misunderstandings with co-workers, family members, friends? Yes he’s very communicative that way. He tells me a lot. It’s just feelings he feels awkward with. But again I’m not sure if he is really like that or if he is just telling me that because he has no feelings for me and doesn’t want to hurt me lol I don’t know , possibly overthinking here 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 15 months? Yeah, I'd worry. More than that, I'd worry that you feel you can't bring up the topic and he's (unintentionally) making you feel insecure about the relationship. Even if he was very shy or guarded, if he really was on the same page you wouldn't be wondering about his commitment and whether he loved you. When your partner is crazy about you, you never question it because they never give you reason to doubt. I'm not sure why this guy isn't all in, but he's not. I wouldn't say it to him again on Valentine's Day. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 Just now, lana-banana said: 15 months? Yeah, I'd worry. More than that, I'd worry that you feel you can't bring up the topic and he's (unintentionally) making you feel insecure about the relationship. Even if he was very shy or guarded, if he really was on the same page you wouldn't be wondering about his commitment and whether he loved you. When your partner is crazy about you, you never question it because they never give you reason to doubt. I'm not sure why this guy isn't all in, but he's not. I wouldn't say it to him again on Valentine's Day. This is probably true and really hurts to know. I’ve never been in this situation before. I guess I’m not entirely sure why he’s still with me then? He knows I love him, would he not feel guilty wasting my time ? I mean he was crazy about me at the start and did everything right, pretty much couldn’t wait to make his girlfriend. So confused 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 1 minute ago, lana-banana said: I'm not sure why this guy isn't all in, but he's not. I wouldn't say it to him again on Valentine's Day. I was going to suggest her some reversed psychology. Let me know what you think. OP, you know how you feel right? You love him. I would start being myself around him and tell him I love him as much as I feel it, own it. Right in this moment whether he loves you or not it doesn't change the fact 'you do' so express it. I think 2 conclusions only can come out of it. He feels it and because you verbalize it a lot then it doesn't feel like this big deal anymore to say it back...or he doesn't feel it and hearing it 3 times a day will become unbearable to him and he'll finally confess he's not feeling it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I was going to suggest her some reversed psychology. Let me know what you think. OP, you know how you feel right? You love him. I would start being myself around him and tell him I love him as much as I feel it, own it. Right in this moment whether he loves you or not it doesn't change the fact 'you do' so express it. I think 2 conclusions only can come out of it. He feels it and because you verbalize it a lot then it doesn't feel like this big deal anymore to say it back...or he doesn't feel it and hearing it 3 times a day will become unbearable to him and he'll finally confess he's not feeling it. But what if he just lets me say it all the time and acknowledges it and still doesn’t say it back ? Cause I have a feeling it will go this way. Do I continue the relationship for 2 or 3 years more without knowing ? Damn I’ve never wanted to hear something so bad in my entire life lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sushiandtacos Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Glam said: But what if he just lets me say it all the time and acknowledges it and still doesn’t say it back ? Cause I have a feeling it will go this way. Do I continue the relationship for 2 or 3 years more without knowing ? Damn I’ve never wanted to hear something so bad in my entire life lol OP no you are smarter than that, if he obviously isn't on the same page as you then don't drag it out for that long. I agree with @lana-banana and not say that to him again, he would only feel pressured to say it even if he doesn't mean it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 I was never a very verbal person in my relationships. I was probably 50 years old when my parents said *I love you* for the first time. We were loved very much but the word ILY was never spoken. In my earier romantic relationships I did say I love you but it was VERY random and it was only to answer back my partner's ILY. It was like that until I met my ex-boyfriend who was highly verbal. He told me several times a day he loved me, showered me with compliments daily....he made it sound so natural, spontanious I started expressing my love and admiration freely without effort. I was able to do that at 50 years old, I wish I had learn that at 27. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 6 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: I agree with @lana-banana and not say that to him again, he would only feel pressured to say it even if he doesn't mean it. So you're suggesting she plays his game and they continue another 2-3-4-5 years with no ILY? The status Quo will only bring her more of what she's getting now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2021 Share Posted January 31, 2021 Do you have plans for the future? Or your relationship is still go with the flow? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I was never a very verbal person in my relationships. I was probably 50 years old when my parents said *I love you* for the first time. We were loved very much but the word ILY was never spoken. In my earier romantic relationships I did say I love you but it was VERY random and it was only to answer back my partner's ILY. It was like that until I met my ex-boyfriend who was highly verbal. He told me several times a day he loved me, showered me with compliments daily....he made it sound so natural, spontanious I started expressing my love and admiration freely without effort. I was able to do that at 50 years old, I wish I had learn that at 27. I’m hoping this is the case with him but I get a bad feeling it’s just he doesn’t love me yet. I just thought most people wouldn’t spend this long with someone they didn’t love. He’s such a good boyfriend otherwise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Glam Posted January 31, 2021 Author Share Posted January 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Do you have plans for the future? Or your relationship is still go with the flow? Still go with the flow , we haven’t really discussed the future. We’ve been on trips together. Before covid. And we have talked about going away again after it but other than that , no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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