In a Dark Place. Edited because I posted the other one on accident too early)

[Elu]

Hello All of Loveshack,

Its 4:00am in the morning and I currently can't sleep very well. Reason being? My girlfriend and I broke up tonight and I wanted a community that I can be fully transparent to and share my feelings and experience. This may be a very long read and I don't blame you guys for clicking the back button, just wanted yall to know I appreciate each and every one of you guys who took the time to read this. I'm going to tell you guys the reasons and I will try to be as unbias as possible. Thanks again for reading and showing me the support when I need it the most (,:

The Beginning

My ex and I met very platonically.... we were friends at first and began to gain feelings for each other as we hung out more and more. It really all started with my asking for her number. I realized I started feeling for her when I found out her family values and personality aligned with mine. She was sweet, caring to others, and honestly just a joy to spend time with. We could talk about the most random topics and I was 100% there for this girl. She also started getting feelings for me as our conversations could reach the stars. Talking hours and hours about what our favorite childhood candy was, what movies we liked, even to stories about past sexual experiences, embarrassing stories, and hidden life secrets. 

I fell in love with her.. just as she did with me. It was great. I felt like she was the one and every one of her friends and family supported our relationship to the fullest. However, there was one red flag that I did know about since the beginning. First, she's quite young, trying to graduate from school and works a part-time job. Yes. I'm about to hear about all the comments on how young this relationship is... but everything we felt was real and our maturity levels are quite high for our age. I'm 25 and she is 23. I have my own business which is doing quite well and we've both been through our fair share of relationships. I have been in 2 long-term relationships before her. She on the other hand, has never been in a relationship past 2 months. This was the red flag that I was talking about, but I feel that its safe to say that relationships are different for everyone. You could go through a plethora of short-term relationships and all of a sudden.... find the one.

This was just a little back story on how our relationship was for the first year and a half.

Suspicion

This was the beginning of the end... We started to settle down and we saw each other less. Due to her being busy with school and work and myself being preoccupied with growing my business. We really didn't have that much time to spend with each other. The frequency went from 5-6 days to 3-4 days to 0-2 days to 1-3 times a month. I noticed this change at first. I would drop by her house and she would always give me unnecessary attitude. Whenever I cracked a random joke, she would make me feel like I was dumb. Giving me weird faces whenever I talked about a certain topic like she was highly uninterested or thought I was a weirdo.

After months of this constant attitude and ill treatment, I began to wonder if she lost feelings for me. I started wondering if I was doing something wrong but in fact, I wasn't. After constant nagging, I was hurt so I decided to confront her about this. I asked her for the reason why she was treating me like this. We barely spent time with each other. In my head, I thought that you would be happy to see your significant other after a long period of time. Your S/o should be there to comfort and bring happiness to your life. In my eyes, it felt like it was a chore for her to see me. She told me that she was busy with work and school and was therefore stressed. The way stress affects her is very reactive. When she's stressed, she doesn't want to be talked to and she also releases this stress on me (giving me attitude for no reason). 

During this period of stress, she would go out to drink with her co-workers which I was perfectly fine with. I would also go out with her alongside the co-workers due to my fondness of them. We would have good times and such, but I thought to myself, "why is it that she can set aside time to spend with her co-workers but not do the same for me". I confronted her about this as well and she told me she was trying to kill two birds with one stone. She could spend time with her co-workers and I at the same time. I understood her point, but for me... hanging out with friends is one thing... but hanging out with just the two of us is another... "Friend Time" and "Us Time" are two completely different things to me, but it was difficult for her to grasp that idea.

She told me she would be able to spend more time with me during her Winter Break which gave her two weeks school-free. During the winter break, we did spend a bit more time together but it was minimal. We started fighting about other things as well. These constant fights and the way she treated me (not giving me time, not setting me as a priority, and giving me attitude) made me feel suspicious of her. I know that she's not the cheating type and her parents, her friends, and my friends agree. So, let's just say she would never cheat on me. Even with the proof from her peers and mine, I would still be suspicious due to how she was treating me at the time.

Since I was so suspicious, I did something terrible that no one should ever do. It was my birthday and she performed an action that triggered me to do this. We were having a good time with friends until she got a notification on her phone. And mind you, we have the type of relationship where we leave our phones on the table during dinner and we are very transparent with each other. But this time, when she got that notification, she saw it, dimmed her phone brightness(as if to hide something from me) and started texting that person. WHO wouldn't be suspicious? She left her phone of the table and I committed a sin. I looked through her phone and found the text... I didn't read anything but a single sentence. At that moment, I knew who it was and to be honest with all of you, I had nothing to worry about. She came back to her phone and asked me if I looked through it. I told her I did not. My first and only lie to her...

A month later, we fought again about the same things regarding her not putting enough effort. She brought up the phone situation and I told her the truth that I looked through it. This was what implanted her distrust in me. She told me she acted like that because she just wasn't ready to tell me about it. I told her sorry but at this point... I already lost her trust.

Endgame

This fight was pivotal in our relationship because we had two issues right now... 

For her ) It was because I lied to her and lost her trust.

For me ) She was not putting the same effort as she did before.

We both have our faults. We fought about these two issues we had with each other. She would give me excuses that we were in the "Honeymoon Phase" To be honest with you guys, I think that categorizing relationships in "phases" are bulls***. Yea, some things settle down and you get comfortable... but you shouldn't start mistreating your S/O just because of underlying factors like stress. You should put in the same energy as you did in the beginning or things aren't going to work out.

I gave her the excuse that she was unfairly treating me which led me to perform the action that I did (check her phone). And although I feel like I had good reason to do that at the moment, I should have never done that. I told her sorry for that and hoped for her forgiveness.

Now we have to come to a conclusion. It's either we work it out or we drop the relationship. At this time, emotions were high so we decided to put a hold onto the fight until we both settled down and gathered our thoughts. One month later, we came back to the topic and started fighting about it again. For me, I feel pretty traditional. I'm willing to put up with a lot and I'm willing to work things out with her. However, she was having a difficult time trying to figure out if it was worth it to work and out and allow me to change my lying ways or break up. It was totally up to her. After close consideration and 10 minutes of silence during this fight, I asked her "Do you think this relationship is worth it?" She didn't answer for a solid 10 minutes. I knew what had to be done so I started tearing up and walked up to her, grabbed her hand, and asked her again, " Do you see a future with us?"

She started crying as well. I said these exact words.

Me:  " Do you see a future with us? Are you willing to it work it out and drop these faults I have? Because if you can't drop these thoughts of doubt... how can I even be around you? You will always have the thought of me doing you wrong again and that will affect how you treat me. How can we hang out when you will treat me differently due to my past actions?

Her: I can't just drop these things... 

Me: Well if you can't drop the idea of me lying to you... if you cant drop these negative feelings for me... how can we be together?

Her: Cry

Me: If you can't drop it right now, we should break up.

Her: *Silence*

Me: I need an answer right now. Do you think we can work this out or not? T_T

Her: Not right now T_T

There you have it. I had my answer and I knew we had to break up. We cried our eyes out for the next hour together. Telling each other about all the good times and how we felt about eachother. We will always love each other and have hopes for the future when we have matured more. Settled down in better positions in our lives. She told me that there may be a chance "down the line" for us when we have both bettered ourselves. We both had our faults. We both said sorry to each other.

We broke up and this was my first "mutual" breakup. I've been cheated on before and that hurt... but this is a different sort of pain. This was pain from realizing that if we were both better versions of ourselves, this would have never happened. It made me wish that the future was already here so that we can be together again. However, things like that are usually fairytales. Yes, there is a slim chance that I might find her in the future when we are both better and happy with our lives.

But for now, I will have to deal with this suffering. This is one of those stories in which the relationship just "didn't work out" due to underlying factors. We both have alot on our plates right now and focusing on this relationship and trying to fix it would have been more detrimental to our lives. We are both in the "growing phase" right now. I hope that this for the best. I really do. I am in a dark place right now writing this. I wish it all worked out. But it just didn't this time. I am sad. I am heartbroken. And I'm sure she feels the same as well. We still both love each other and always will. 

Thank you all for reading through all this. I appreciate it and I understand that both her and I have our faults. It just sucks to be in this position right now. I'll be awake tomorrow to read your thoughts  Good Night.  Duration of Relationship - 2 1/2 Years

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it has been unraveling for a while. Just step back and reflect.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, Elu said:

This is one of those stories in which the relationship just "didn't work out" due to underlying factors. We both have alot on our plates right now and focusing on this relationship and trying to fix it would have been more detrimental to our lives. 

Not necessarily. 

It's fairly clear she lost interest in the relationship a while ago, OP. I suppose you could consider that an underlying factor, but it's not as though this definitely would have ended differently if she hadn't been stressed with school or what have you. Relationships run the course sometimes, and yes, this is especially true with younger people who have not experienced much of life or serious relationships yet. What you have written here sure doesn't suggest she is mature for her age. Not that good at communication yet, not ready to settle down in a committed relationship yet, doesn't have the mature interpersonal skills to admit she wants out and instead wiggles around and dodges relationship-stuff until her boyfriend is essentially given little option but to question if she wants to break up. 

It was wrong of you to look through her phone, and then lie about it. But your relationship was on a collision course even prior to that, and would have ended anyway. She just hadn't yet found the courage to break up with you, but she checked out long before you snooped. 

When you have to fight with your own partner to make time for you, you need to let the person go. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. 

You lament that it would have lasted if you had both been "better versions" of yourselves.  That is like saying you would have won the lottery if you picked different numbers.  You are who you are.  That led you to walk the same path for a while but then the relationship ran it's course. 

It's not due to you being young.  You are both grown adults in your 20s not young teenagers.  You can't hide behind your ages any more. 

Her previous short relationships only had bearing until she made it past 6 months with you.  You two were together for 2.5 years.  Inexperience was not a factor. 

All in all this relationship died in part because both of you failed to nurture it.  Do you think your business would thrive if you only worked on it 1-3 times per month?  Of course not.  The time to course correct was went you found yourself only connecting 0-2 days per week.  By the time you got to 1-3 times a month it was already over but you didn't formally end it.

You snooping in her phone was understandable but you should have admitted it & apologized right then & there.  The lie made it all worse. 

Nobody was a bad person in here.  You lived.  You loved.  You lost.  Now you will grieve for a bit, then you will start to heal.  In time you will be OK.  Hang in there. 

[trident_2020]

Too bad you put her on the spot with that "I gotta know right now" ultimatum.

She was probably working through it and didn't even know how she'd feel given more time.

But you didn't give it to her.