Anyone divorced and manage to stay on good terms with their ex?

[ZiggyZaggy]

Brief background: I am separated for 1+ year, divorce in progress, kids (teens) in the picture.

There was a lot of bitterness, anger, hurt upon separation. 

A little time passed, and we had many conversations about how to move forward, and both of us have expressed a desire to try to stay on positive terms with each other. 

Unfortunately, we seem to have very different ideas about how we wish to interact with each other, which means each and every interaction is a negative experience. I am about ready to call it quits trying to be positive, holding onto some fantasy that we can stay friendly. I am not looking for a best friend in him, I am looking for a person that, when we see each other and interact, we can do so in a genuine way that feels positive.  Read into that whatever you want. The point is, I don't want to hate him!  And we have kids together so we will always be connected through them, and it would be nice to interact in a way that feels positive.

I know some couples become bitter enemies, and some emerge on the other side as friends.  I'm sure it's a bumpy road to get to that place, and I want to hear how it was for you.

My question is this: if you are divorced, have you managed to stay on positive terms with your ex? If so, how did that process look for you?  I know everyone's journey is unique, and I'm looking for any positive post-divorce stories you have (specifically relationship with your ex). Even if you have a friend of a friend who divorced and still considers their ex a friend.  

Thanks.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, ZiggyZaggy said:

kids (teens) in the picture.

As much pain, anger, rancor there may be always think of your kids to calm your nerves. They didn't pick this. You don't have to be pals or even get along, but your kids need you right now.

[Blind-Sided]

First... think of the kids.  That should help.

I'm civil with my exW because of the kids.  I have to be... there is NO OTHER option in it.   Even after the hurt she caused both me and my oldest daughter... and after her trying to hang an abuse tag on me... I'm fine with her. (FYI... it's been over 2 years since the initial "I don't love you" thing)  No... I wouldn't help her move, or fix her car. We are not "Friends" by any stretch of the word. But... I have no issues with her now. I can talk to her about the kids... and I would even listen to her if she wanted to tell me something about her family members who I've spent the last 20 years of my life with. During our exchange of the kids... I invite her into the house because I'm not the kind of person who would want someone standing in the bad weather.  But, because I had the abuse tag hung on me... I do not enter her house at all. (Front porch only)   I know she doesn't like to contact me, and will generally have our oldest daughter call/txt if they are going to be late, or something is going on.   The exW seems angry still, but there have been a few times she has come to the house, and seemed like she had a genuine smile as we talked about the kids.

OK... it will take time... but it seems like there has been some time.  Put on a happy face, even if you don't want to, and know it will benefit your kids.  You do not have to talk about anything else... and to be honest... avoid talking about ANYTHING other than the kids for a while.   If she comes to you with a negative attitude... ask her to leave, and you can talk about xxxxx when she is happier.   That goes for the same with you. 

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

Edited February 1, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[littleblackheart]

23 hours ago, ZiggyZaggy said:

if you are divorced, have you managed to stay on positive terms with your ex? If so, how did that process look for you?  I know everyone's journey is unique, and I'm looking for any positive post-divorce stories you have (specifically relationship with your ex). Even if you have a friend of a friend who divorced and still considers their ex a friend.  

Yes, but it took the best part of 7 years. The marriage itself was awful, the divorce and subsequent years were difficult, but that is in the past. We are on 'friendly' terms now as of 3 months ago, for no other reason that it was the right time for me. It makes the children happy, and life easier for us all. There is no forgetting all past hurt, but forgiving and seeing your kids benefit from peaceful interactions are priceless. He is now allowed to spend time with the kids at home, and we even spent Christmas all together (Covid). He lives on another continent so we all get the best of both worlds - the kids get his best side a handful of times a year, and I get no drama, which is what I want more than anything in life now.

23 hours ago, ZiggyZaggy said:

A little time passed, and we had many conversations about how to move forward, and both of us have expressed a desire to try to stay on positive terms with each other. 

 

I think that's a good sign. A word of warning: you are not yet divorced, only separated 1 year. This may get a little worse before it gets better

Wishing you all well. It can be done.

Edited February 1, 2021 by littleblackheart

[FMW]

My ex husband and I get along ok, we are in contact occasionally even though we don't have children.  I would definitely not want him to be a regular part of my life, but we are in touch every few months.  I guess after 23 years of marriage we still feel some kind of connection, like a distant friend from the past I guess, we just check in with occasionally.  But we keep it pretty surface level.

One of my friends and his ex wife are pretty good friends and socialize together with their significant others.  He said he always liked her as a person, just not a wife.  Most of us (his other friends) think it's kind of nuts, but it works for them.

[Harry Korsnes]

On 1/31/2021 at 10:21 PM, ZiggyZaggy said:

Brief background: I am separated for 1+ year, divorce in progress, kids (teens) in the picture.

There was a lot of bitterness, anger, hurt upon separation. 

A little time passed, and we had many conversations about how to move forward, and both of us have expressed a desire to try to stay on positive terms with each other. 

Unfortunately, we seem to have very different ideas about how we wish to interact with each other, which means each and every interaction is a negative experience. I am about ready to call it quits trying to be positive, holding onto some fantasy that we can stay friendly. I am not looking for a best friend in him, I am looking for a person that, when we see each other and interact, we can do so in a genuine way that feels positive.  Read into that whatever you want. The point is, I don't want to hate him!  And we have kids together so we will always be connected through them, and it would be nice to interact in a way that feels positive.

I know some couples become bitter enemies, and some emerge on the other side as friends.  I'm sure it's a bumpy road to get to that place, and I want to hear how it was for you.

My question is this: if you are divorced, have you managed to stay on positive terms with your ex? If so, how did that process look for you?  I know everyone's journey is unique, and I'm looking for any positive post-divorce stories you have (specifically relationship with your ex). Even if you have a friend of a friend who divorced and still considers their ex a friend.  

Thanks.

 

Thats  a good question. It just takes time. It did with me.

[DKT3]

I think a large portion of it comes from how the marriage ended. 

I've talked here about close friends who got divorced and are best friends.  Our group believes they are still intimate but they deny it. 

Their split was 100% mutual and there was no deception,  infidelities or misunderstandings.  They simply got married too young and grew to understand that they both wanted different things from a spouse. 

 

[World Peace Guy]

I've been happily married for 20 years with two happy kids, and soon to be divorced. My wife decided to divorce me, said she doesn't love me or respect me (she doesn't believe in World Peace is possible and I have a plan to bring about World Peace and am committed to it). So now we're having a happy divorce. It is painful for me. She seems very happy about it. I love her, and want her to be happy.

It depends on the person, obviously. I'm an extremely intelligent, extremely logical and emotionally mature person. I understand that I can't talk her out of it, because she doesn't respect me. I've had 20 years to change her mind, and haven't found a way to get her to change.

If she had respect for me, I could explain that the fact that God commanded us to "love God" means that you are in complete control over who you love. You choose whether to love or not. Love is your priority, what is more important to you. Therefore, if you are wise, you choose to love your spouse. You choose to put your spouse second (after God). The key to having happy kids, is a happy marriage, so you don't put your kids before your spouse!

My wife seemed to put me last, even after her friends. 

Anyway, logically, the best thing for me to do, is make sure that she is happy. Otherwise, I'll lose all contact with my kids and do further damage to the kids. So as much as it hurts me, I'm not going to allow that hurt to hurt my kids any more than it has to.

[ZiggyZaggy]

Thanks to everyone who replied, I appreciate the comments.

I know it's possible for happily married people to have bitter divorces, and people who were not so happy in marriage to become close friends with their Ex's. Obviously there is no one size fits all answer. 

When kids are around, I think we interact in a good way, but there are difficult conversations and challenging interactions in the background.  I know one person who is divorced and has a very positive social interaction with her ex and his new wife. Good for them!  I'm pretty sure it wasn't an easy transition, it took some time, but they did it. 

I'm still very much going up and down. Sometimes I think there's no way we'll ever be able to be "friends" and other times I'm not sure exactly why we separated (ah, yes, and then I remember...).  Pretty confusing!  More time passes, more water under the bridge, and life goes on.  Maybe it would help if we actually agreed on what sort of "friendship" we are looking for in the future. I don't wish him any ill will whatsoever, I want him to be happy, I sincerely hope he finds someone with whom he has a beautiful and happy and fulfilling relationship. But I also think he hasn't entirely let go of the idea that I'm that person, and that's a hard place to be (for both of us!)  I think part of this process should be letting go, and then getting to know each other again. Letting go is hard. I'm trying to be my own best person and trying to move along in my own life, rediscovering myself, etc etc etc. But then when we interact again, we go right back into our old patterns, which kinda makes me think we both haven't moved on enough yet. I'm not sure that makes any sense to anyone, but it's the best I can describe it.

Anyway, thanks for the replies. I do want to move on in my own personal life, and in my future interactions with Ex, in a way that's positive and genuine and honest.

[Marriage_Ambivalence]

This is a topic near and dear to my heart. I love my wife, but it's that classic feeling of no longer being IN love with her. In many ways, I think I want to separate (for reasons outlined elsewhere on this forum). I would want it to be as amicable as possible, but I know she would never go for that. I understand that exes are exes for a reason, but I had hoped we would have the kind of relationship where we could get together for lunch or coffee once a month, talk on the phone regularly and be able to provide each other advice and support. The problem is she would want to devalue all of our memories and become enemies, with any communications only when absolutely necessary via text messaging.

I know someone whose ex-wife attended his wedding to his current wife. I know that takes a special type of person and is very rare in most relationships among exes, but I had always hoped it would be something like that if it ever came to it with my wife and I. However, I recognize that will never happen. I don't know why, but that is one of several reasons why I am really having second thoughts about separation and divorce. My wife drives me completely nuts in many ways, but I don't want to lose her entirely. I would always want her to remain in my life in some capacity and be able to retain our shared memories. I guess in most cases it's almost impossible to have your cake and eat it too.

[ZiggyZaggy]

I think I know people along the entire range of the spectrum from exes hating each other to exes being close friends. 

As I continue to ponder this topic, I think that whatever decision we make, it takes a tremendous amount of self-reflection/introspection, courage, clarity, forgiveness, and most importantly, time - in order to move on in a positive and healthy way.

#Marriage_Ambivalence Good luck in your decision, it sounds like you're in a tough spot now (which is probably why you came to this forum).

[dangerous]

As the old saying goes "it takes two".

I personally would always prefer to stay friends, but here I am with an ex-wife and a couple of ex "soul-mates" and no, we are not friends, unfortunately. 

Good luck. 

[Wiseman2]

If there are kids a reasonable relationship, sort of parked in neutral would be best. No spite/hate but certainly not best buds.

[emprosnet7]

We haven't said a word to each other for 10 months now.

Only a couple of emails (kids grades) and a couple of messages. 

[Marc878]

I know 3 who handle this best. There was infidelity involved.

They are civil but distant. The kids have adjusted. 

You can be civil and not be a doormat.

[JustShocked]

My divorce and the first three years after it were very hostile.  My ex-wife would not have any contact with me.  We are not really friends after 10 years since the divorce, but we are friendly.  Sometimes I can call her and she will answer the phone and talk on the phone, other times she will only text.  There really is no rhyme or reason to it.  A lot of the times it depends on her mood and what is going on in her personal life.  Time seems to be the biggest factor.  Just one day she was open to communicate again, and she gave no explanation.

If I could do it all over again, I would write into the divorce decree that communication will only happen over a tool like OurFamilyWizard.  It is consistent and sets boundaries.