How much is split when you become married?

[ItsameMaria]

My girlfriend and I were loosely discussing marriage. And she implied we’d have our separate finances, and take care of exactly what we have now, ourselves. So that means me still laying my own rent (we’d move in together) my own utilities bill, oil bill...all house associated costs because as she put it “I already to these things without her”. I told her, in a marital union, we’d split lol things mutual. Rent, utilities, groceries etc. She said “what if I don’t make money  to cover these things”. Unless she works at McDonald’s (she doesn’t, I don’t know how much she makes but I’ve heard her mention $30/hour) I don’t see how that’s possible. Her half of the rent would be $1250, electric $75, groceries $200/mo.  Then she said “why should I pay rent for have the house when I only utilize one bedroom and the other two are for your kids” My reply “because in a marriage, they are now your kids.” The kicker is she LOVES my kids. Always refers to them as her own. 
She really expects me to continue paying for my house (I rent) because “I’m already doing that” even after we were to get married. 

how do I even respond to this? How can i make her understand that that’s just normal life, you pay to live. She’s kind of a gypsy. She has traveled the world for 25 years meeting people, staying at their houses, getting an apartment for three months here and there for half off because her friend owns the condo, she knows so many people that would gladly give her their place. And that’s how she’s lived most her life. So the concept of paying her way is foreign to her. Always a break for her, didn’t really live life in reality like the rest of us.  
She struck it rich in in her teens and was able to travel the world with that. She is never settles in a place in her 41 years of life. Three months here three months there but never a settle. She is now ready to settle after meeting me. 

[trident_2020]

Yeah it's not going to work out

i strongly suggest that you do not get married.

 

[basil67]

I'm writing from a place where my partner and I put all our money in together, but both kids are ours which makes things easier.

However in your situation, I'd be looking at a compromise.  No matter how much she likes your kids, I do think it's unfair to ask her to pay 50% of all the household costs if she's only using a quarter of everything.   And you're probably living in a larger (and therefore more expensive) place than you would be if it were just the two of you.    That said, she should be contributing something for the rent, food, utilities etc.  I'd suggest it would be fair for her to pay a quarter of all costs. 

Also, it's the job of the children's father to contribute to their upkeep, not your partner.  And if the children are of an age where he no longer has to support them..and you have trouble making ends meet...they should have at least a part time job and pay something towards their upkeep

 

[d0nnivain]

It's hard to wrap your head around the concept of joint finances & being a team after 25 years of independence.  The fact that you have kids is new to her in the financial sense so maybe a 50/50 split isn't he right starting point for you two.  Talk to her & see what she thinks is fair.  Then keep talking to work out a sense of team / family 

[trident_2020]

I read somewhere that financial disparity causes more divorces than sexual infidelity and I can believe it.

No matter how much you want to romantize it, marriage is a financial contract that obligates the parties to one another during the term of said contract.

If you can't even come close to an understanding now, it's not going to get easier when you tell each other you're in it through richer or poorer and all the other meaningless promises that are made at the time the rings are exchanged.

You're being unreasonable in expecting her to automatically be a parent and pay half the house expenses and she's being unreasonable in expecting you to pay for all the household expenses.

The two of you couldn't be any further apart in how you look at the situation.

 

[Blind-Sided]

On 1/31/2021 at 6:46 PM, ItsameMaria said:

My girlfriend and I were loosely discussing marriage. And she implied we’d have our separate finances, and take care of exactly what we have now, ourselves.

Then she said “why should I pay rent for have the house when I only utilize one bedroom and the other two are for your kids” My reply “because in a marriage, they are now your kids.” The kicker is she LOVES my kids. Always refers to them as her own. 

She really expects me to continue paying for my house (I rent) because “I’m already doing that” even after we were to get married. 

She struck it rich in in her teens and was able to travel the world with that. She is never settles in a place in her 41 years of life. Three months here three months there but never a settle. She is now ready to settle after meeting me. 

There is a few things here... and as someone already said... don't get married to her.  AND... yes... money breaks just as many relationships as cheating.  (Probably more) 

First... your kids DO NOT become her kids just because she marries you.  She would have to legally adopt them.  So she has no legal obligation to support them financially.

Second... She obviously doesn't want to pay for her share... so she will become a leach... and it WILL make you angry.  Then, it will make her angry when you start to try to talk about it. Right now it's easy for her.  It's your stuff, and you pay for it.  But she gets to use it because she is just the GF. 

Third...  She has traveled, and wandered around for her entire life.  Do you really think she will be happy in one place??  Not a chance. I think if you got married... after a year... she will get the itch, and just bail out. 

I think you are just heading to heartache if you marry her. (Sorry) You have to agree on the core items before you can commit to someone.  You can love her... and really want to be with her... but it's not going to last if you don't agree. So... just say BF/GF and enjoy each other until she leaves on her next adventure. 

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, Blind-Sided said:

Second... She obviously doesn't want to pay for her share... so she will become a leach... and it WILL make you angry.  Then, it will make her angry when you start to try to talk about it. Right now it's easy for her.  It's your stuff, and you pay for it.  But she gets to use it because she is just the GF. 

Third...  She has traveled, and wandered around for her entire life.  Do you really think she will be happy in one place??  Not a chance. I think if you got married... after a year... she will get the itch, and just bail out.

I disagree. 

I think she's OK paying what she sees as "her share."  Problem is she defines that as 1/4 of the household because she is 1 person while the OP & his kids are 3 people so she thinks she should not have to contribute to the kids. 

As for the wanderlust she may be tired of all that travel & be ready to set down roots.  You are making assumptions, @Blind-Sided

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, they are your and thier mother's responsibility. Completely. You and thier mother must house clothe,feed and provide education until they are 18.

This is not a  girlfriend's responsibility. Even if you marry, it will never be her responsibility.

If you are unhappy with the child support or custody and visitation agreement you can revise it.

However you can not make a GF or new spouse responsible in any way for the costs and care of your children.

 

[d0nnivain]

@Wiseman2 you may be correct by the letter of the law but how would this work in a 2nd marriage / living together situation?  The new GF can't very well label her food in the 'fridge & freak out every time one of the OPs kids eats something. For this relationship to work there has to be some sense of family. 

@ItsameMaria you have to have some difficult awkward money / finance conversations with your GF about what she thinks is reasonable.  Like I said a 50/50 split might not be fair but you can't have the food labeling & no sharing. 

[Blind-Sided]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

As for the wanderlust she may be tired of all that travel & be ready to set down roots.  You are making assumptions, @Blind-Sided

Sure.  I admit I'm making assumptions.  But they are based off the story by the OP. He is already upset, and that's why he is here. He will continue to be upset unless he can just accept he will be paying for her. 

But... you are also making assumptions that she will stay, after 41 years of travel. Sure, she could be ready to settle down... but some people just like that lifestyle.  I personally don't like to travel, (Even though I do for work) I'm perfectly happy at home.  

I really hope that our OP can find that happy middle ground... but I just don't get that feeling here. 

Edited February 2, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

@Wiseman2   The new GF can't very well label her food in the 'fridge & freak out every time one of the OPs kids eats something.. 

@ItsameMaria 

The father needs to pay for more than half, since more than half of the expenses are his/his kids. It's that simple.

However it may be a moot point since it was a theoretical conversation with the GF. They are not engaged.

New spouses have the legal standing of babysitter. They have zero legal say in what the father and mother decide.

Anyone who thinks a step parent should start financing what the legal parents must pay for is in for a very tumultuous time, just like this.

[trident_2020]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The father needs to pay for more than half, since more than half of the expenses are his/his kids. It's that simple.

The father doesn't live there.

[ItsameMaria]

Ok let me clarify some things. I am female, she is female. I do get child support from my ex-husband. But she expects to live here, use electricity, eat food, use my car, and pay nothing because I already am paying. I’m willing to compromise. Of course I don’t expect her to pay for any of my kids things. Their dad does and I’m perfect happy with the child support arrangement. I am able to pay for my $2500/mo rent all on my own, my car payment, my utilities. I am doing it already by myself. But each and every month is she going to calculate exactly how much electricity she uses, what percentage of my car she uses? If she does her own food shopping, will she label, Is she not allowed to eat any other food in the house if she didn’t contribute? We’re basically roommates at that point. No sense of family as one person said. When me and my ex-H got married we just had money. Not his Money not my money, just money. So this precise calculation of exactly what’s used is crazy to me. A marriage is a union. You become one, not percentages of utilization. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 1/31/2021 at 5:46 PM, ItsameMaria said:

My girlfriend and I were loosely discussing marriage. And she implied we’d have our separate finances, and take care of exactly what we have now, ourselves. So that means me still laying my own rent (we’d move in together) my own utilities bill, oil bill...all house associated costs because as she put it “I already to these things without her”. I told her, in a marital union, we’d split lol things mutual. Rent, utilities, groceries etc. She said “what if I don’t make money  to cover these things”. Unless she works at McDonald’s (she doesn’t, I don’t know how much she makes but I’ve heard her mention $30/hour) I don’t see how that’s possible. Her half of the rent would be $1250, electric $75, groceries $200/mo.  Then she said “why should I pay rent for have the house when I only utilize one bedroom and the other two are for your kids” My reply “because in a marriage, they are now your kids.” The kicker is she LOVES my kids. Always refers to them as her own. 
She really expects me to continue paying for my house (I rent) because “I’m already doing that” even after we were to get married. 

how do I even respond to this? How can i make her understand that that’s just normal life, you pay to live. She’s kind of a gypsy. She has traveled the world for 25 years meeting people, staying at their houses, getting an apartment for three months here and there for half off because her friend owns the condo, she knows so many people that would gladly give her their place. And that’s how she’s lived most her life. So the concept of paying her way is foreign to her. Always a break for her, didn’t really live life in reality like the rest of us.  
She struck it rich in in her teens and was able to travel the world with that. She is never settles in a place in her 41 years of life. Three months here three months there but never a settle. She is now ready to settle after meeting me. 

She shouldn't be responsible for half of everything, when you are bringing 3 people to the table and she is only bringing 1.

You want to nickel and dime her, as if she's a roommate.

[Ruby Slippers]

Some people believe that when you marry, no matter how many ex-spouses or children or assets are involved, you merge lives and finances completely. Some people hold onto the idea of yours and mine and don't want to do that. 

I'm pretty sure that in most cases, any assets acquired during legal marriage are considered to be owned 50/50. There are exceptions, but in general that's the rule. 

Still, it's not a good sign that you're at odds over the matter. The #1 reason people divorce is disagreements over money. If you're not on the same page at this point, you probably won't ever be.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ItsameMaria said:

 I am able to pay for my $2500/mo rent all on my own, my car payment, my utilities.

Don't let her use your car. You are Not a family unit.  Do not pay  insurance on a car someone else drives. That's foolish. Yes it was easier with your husband because the kids were both of yours.

Yes, let her pay for her proportion of the groceries, utilities, etc. Not 50/50. As your kids are with you a proportion of the time And you are getting subsidized by their father.

No it's not like something you can base on your first marriage because it's not a first marriage. That's right. She pays for her stuff, you pay for yours and your kids. Not talking about ridiculous food labeling like in college, talking about she pays her car, her phone, her share of household expenses minus what your husband pays.

Edited February 2, 2021 by Wiseman2

[World Peace Guy]

You don't "split" anything when you get married. That "splitting" is only done when you get divorced. When you get married, you "merge". You become "one flesh". Don't assume she will pay half. Maybe you are the one who wants the luxurious life, and she just wants a simple life. Marriage requires compromising and understanding. Not everything the way you want it or the way you think it should be.

[introverted1]

Maybe settle on a middle ground where she pays 1/3 of living expenses and you pay 2/3. This allows you to cover the day-to-day cost of the kids, but still has her covering her share of rent, utilities, food, etc.  

Anything not used by kids (like a car) would be split down the middle or handled individually (your car/her car).

Anything exclusive to the kids (tuition, camp, braces) would be covered by you and the dad.

[d0nnivain]

On 2/2/2021 at 9:57 AM, ItsameMaria said:

 But each and every month is she going to calculate exactly how much electricity she uses, what percentage of my car she uses? If she does her own food shopping, will she label, Is she not allowed to eat any other food in the house if she didn’t contribute? We’re basically roommates at that point. No sense of family as one person said. When me and my ex-H got married we just had money. Not his Money not my money, just money. So this precise calculation of exactly what’s used is crazy to me. A marriage is a union. You become one, not percentages of utilization. 

A marriage is a union where you share.  Living with your SO does not involve sharing finances in the sense of joint bank accounts.  

This is why you have to talk to her & figure out exactly what her vision is.  It would be unfair for your SO to pay 50% of the rent because you & your kids are more than 50% of the inhabitants.  Food & utilities may be different.  But you are right, you can't have labeling & her calculating how much heat & hot water she used.  

There is a middle ground between her freeloading off you (where you pay everything & she lives there for free) and her subsidizing your kids (by paying 1/2).  The two of you need to figure out where to draw that line.   We can't tell you what the ideal split for your situation is.  You two need to hash that out.  If you are both unwilling to compromise, the answer may be don't live together. 

[Gaeta]

I wonder where you live with rent so high and food so cheap. 

How long have you been dating? I would not settle down with her considering her history unless you've been dating for 3+ years. Under that there is no garantee she will not up and go soon. Actually l think she wants to live with you for free because she sees this as temporary.

She should pay 25% - 30% of everything. Make it a fix amount that she pays every month, and no labelling needed in the fridge.