Broke up with girlfriend. I feel so bad for her

[Renben]

Hi.. I feel so bad today. 

 

I have been in a relationship for 1 year with a woman 27y, Im 29y. I have written about her previously here if you want to see that post. I finally decided to break up with her and she was so devastated that I almost start regretting it. Maybe I just didnt see how much she loved me. 

Reasons were that she have 2 Kids, I have none. I want to live a free life, she wants to move in with me in my house with her Kids. I am so scared of this and I dont want to find out after 1 year that I regret it and she then have to move out again and further damage the kids 

 

I actually felt I was doing her a favor considerinf I dont think I love her and not sure if I ever truly did. I think I went into the relationship because of a fear of being alone. 

She had lots of things and behaviours that drained and turned me off, but seeing how sad and heart broken and she telling me how much she loved me etc made me second guessinf the whole thing. 

 

I dont know. I guess I made up my choice a long time ago, but I need some relief and encouragment now. 

 

God damn I feel so bad and sad for her. I feel like I destroyed her whole world and like the biggest a**h*** piece of s*** that ever lived.  She was crying so much and I dont know what to do now I feel sick by the whole situation..

[josedelamuerte]

Yeah, breaking up is horrible, no doubt. It's a terrible terrible part of life. But when it must be done it's best to just do it and get it over with.

Kinda like doing the dishes.

She'll be fine. Or not. That's not on you. That's on her.

If you're entertaining the thought of rekindling this relationship out of guilt, please stop right now. It's not heroic, and you won't be helping anyone.

It may not be worth much, me being some internet stranger - but I feel your pain. I wish you both the best and all the love and good times you can handle.

[Renben]

22 minutes ago, josedelamuerte said:

Yeah, breaking up is horrible, no doubt. It's a terrible terrible part of life. But when it must be done it's best to just do it and get it over with.

Kinda like doing the dishes.

She'll be fine. Or not. That's not on you. That's on her.

If you're entertaining the thought of rekindling this relationship out of guilt, please stop right now. It's not heroic, and you won't be helping anyone.

It may not be worth much, me being some internet stranger - but I feel your pain. I wish you both the best and all the love and good times you can handle.

Thank you. It helps! I just have a way of making myself responsible for other people feelings. Also Im a pleaser type person, so I dont like when people hate me.

But I also know I have to walk and never look back to save us both. 

[Gaeta]

You did the right thing. You both deserve an authentic partner. She will be fine, she's 27 yo she's young and she'll get over this soon once the shock is passed. Don't play friends with her it won't help her move on, it will just drag her pain. 

[d0nnivain]

You being a nice person & having empathy for her while she's upset is no reason to change your mind & stay together.  You acted on all the valid reasons to break up.  None of that changes because she is now hurting. 

The saying "It's cruel to be kind" applies here.  You can't take her back & let her move in to make her happy when doing so only delays the inevitable. 

[Lorenza]

She will be fine. Crying and feeling devastated after a breakup doesn't always mean you loved the dumper so much you can't go on without them - it's an ego thing as well. Nobody likes to be dumped and it's especially hard for someone who has low self esteem. Go no contact and don't try to reach out asking how she's doing etc. 

[Renben]

Thanks everyone. You are all very sensible people. I dont however feel like she tried to use me or anything. Of course this I will never know. 

 

Probably she felt strung along. I can see that, but it wasnt my intention. I knew she had Kids from the start, and I tried my best, but I realise that Im not good with children, she needs someone who can really take care of them. 

 

I am stunned over how badly Im dealing with this. I thought of this many times and figured it would be fine, but now when I actually broke up I feel much more devastated then I thought I would. 

Man... 

[deepthinking]

So if you were to be a quasi-father, where is the real father? If you were to replace him - what might he say?  She has 2 kids from him, so they were close one time, so does he pay for the kids?   Where does she go if you split up?

You would be getting into somebody's life with no facts if you play house but ask no questions;  do not be so easy-going, do not avoid questioning her.

Edited February 1, 2021 by deepthinking

[Renben]

2 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

So if you were to be a quasi-father, where is the real father? If you were to replace him - what might he say?  She has 2 kids from him, so they were close one time, so does he pay for the kids?  You would be getting into somebody's life with no facts if you play house but ask no questions

They live far away, he only sees them 2 weekends per month. Me and him got along the few times we met

[deepthinking]

4 hours ago, Renben said:

They live far away, he only sees them 2 weekends per month. Me and him got along the few times we met

Where would she go if you two split up?  Deep down, she must have thought of this herself.  You see, her tears are in part due to the lack of security in hre life, so she will be worse if this thing with you fails.    She will be  privvy to two fails.    Him and You.   

[redacted]

Edited February 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
irrelevant

[ShyViolet]

You absolutely did the right thing.  You can't stay with her out of pity, or just to avoid hurting her feelings.  Those are not reasons to be with someone.  You can feel sad about all this, but don't second guess your decision.  Yes, breakups are hard.  But she will get over it.  And you'll get over it.

[trident_2020]

Anytime a dumper comes on this forum and says "It's so easy for the person doing the dumping", they outta be referred to this thread.

 

[Brooke02]

Sorry! I know how your feeling, I broke up with my bf of 6 yrs in November. Its so hard, you feel bad cuz your human and you have a good heart. But the best thing to do is to move on. The longer your with her the longer You AND her don’t find the right person. At least it was only a year and you didn’t stay 5 because you feel bad, you did the right thing! It will get better. 

[Ruby Slippers]

You did waste her time, but now you know better and won't date a single mother again unless you're prepared to embrace her kids as well. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Another vote for "you did the right thing" here.

You really did. You know you cannot give her the investment and love she wants, and cannot be a father figure to her kids. You're upset because you're a decent person and naturally struggle with seeing her in pain. But I think in a couple months, you will be past that guilt and feel more confident about your choice. 

And yes, she's probably upset both that the relationship ended and that she's still not got the stability she probably is seeking for her family. But really, she wouldn't have found that with you if you were not invested and committed the way she hoped. That's not a shot at you, by the way - it's simply a prediction for how things would have gone if you'd proceeded. The cracks would have started widening quickly and the end result would have been the same. 

[Renben]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Another vote for "you did the right thing" here.

You really did. You know you cannot give her the investment and love she wants, and cannot be a father figure to her kids. You're upset because you're a decent person and naturally struggle with seeing her in pain. But I think in a couple months, you will be past that guilt and feel more confident about your choice. 

And yes, she's probably upset both that the relationship ended and that she's still not got the stability she probably is seeking for her family. But really, she wouldn't have found that with you if you were not invested and committed the way she hoped. That's not a shot at you, by the way - it's simply a prediction for how things would have gone if you'd proceeded. The cracks would have started widening quickly and the end result would have been the same. 

Yes, I felt it in my gut last 2-3 months that it probably would have ended anyways. Not just the things Ive mentioned, but my sexual attraction as well lowered severely for her the last months. Guess it was just time to move on now. 

 

Funny how hard it is to be the dumper, Especially when she is sure that I dont give a flying F. 

[Wiseman2]

On 2/1/2021 at 4:30 AM, Renben said:

she wants to move in with me in my house with her Kids.

Ok this along with the general  discord and fading attraction is a very good reason to end it. Why does she want to move into your place?

[Wiseman2]

Break-ups suck, but you'll both be ok.

It just wasn't working out.

It's normal to feel down alone and numb after a breakup, even if you initiated it.