NextUser Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 So, I'm just after some opinions/advice on my situation. Background: married 4 years. 2 children. 3yo, and 3 week old. The other week we were having dinner, I'd made americsn style hotdogs for the three of us. Set my so sons down and my wife's, then turned around to get my plate. My son was at the head of the table (6 seater) then my wife next to him, then I sat down at the other end. Faving my son. We then had a big argument started by my wife, she was of the opinion that I should have sat opposite her, and because I'd sat where I did I was miles away and didn't want to be part of the family. I of course rebuttled that I'll sit where I want. Was she in the right to expect me to sit there, or am I in the right to stand my ground? This isn't the first argument we've had over something I consider to be very trivial. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 Why did you sit at the other end of the table? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 I find it strange that you sat at the other end of the table, away from them. But I also get the sense that this is representative of bigger problems and power struggles in your marriage. Can you elaborate on the backstory? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2021 Share Posted February 1, 2021 Multiple arguments about trivial things are masking deeper issues. It also seems odd to me that each member of the family doesn't have a "usual" seat at the table. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NextUser Posted February 1, 2021 Author Share Posted February 1, 2021 The table isn't big, it's a little kitchen. We don't have set seats because we don't always eat in the kitchen and when we do the lad sits in all the chairs on different occasions. Didn't even think about which seat I sat in, just sat down to eat my dinner. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 She sounds a bit controlling. That said, I think you're gonna have to pick your battles if you want "domestic tranquility" and this one might not be worth the trouble. I agree with @d0nnivain and @ExpatInItaly that there is probably something deeper going on. The fact that you yelled back (I assume) means it's on both your parts. BTW, "intimacy time" is not (IMO) the appropriate time for discussing/resolving the issues in your marriage. Save that for a slightly more formal moment, such as sitting at your aforementioned dining table (and NOT right after an argument). Thought I'd bring that up, just in case that issue, too, merits some discussion with your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 (edited) Depending on your wife's mental health this could be about something bigger between the two of you or it could be she's mentally ill. I know a woman who has done that type of thing a lot all her life. Her rationale would have totally been feeling rejected and angry bc you weren't constantly trying to read her mind to figure out what she wanted in any given situation. She'd get upset and take drastic actions (such as leaving a gathering) over things one couldn't figure out why it would bother her even a tiny bit. No rhyme nor reason to her behavior except that she's bipolar, a narcissist and probably has borderline personality disorder. So, yeah, maybe there's a deeper issue between you and your wife and/or, IMO, maybe she's mentally ill. Edited February 2, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease Link to post Share on other sites
Author NextUser Posted February 2, 2021 Author Share Posted February 2, 2021 A lot of food for thought there. Thanks everyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NextUser Posted February 2, 2021 Author Share Posted February 2, 2021 9 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said: Depending on your wife's mental health this could be about something bigger between the two of you or it could be she's mentally ill. I know a woman who has done that type of thing a lot all her life. Her rationale would have totally been feeling rejected and angry bc you weren't constantly trying to read her mind to figure out what she wanted in any given situation. She'd get upset and take drastic actions (such as leaving a gathering) over things one couldn't figure out why it would bother her even a tiny bit. No rhyme nor reason to her behavior except that she's bipolar, a narcissist and probably has borderline personality disorder. So, yeah, maybe there's a deeper issue between you and your wife and/or, IMO, maybe she's mentally ill. There are definitely issues, she's always had an angry streak. And historically my method of dealing with it was to let it blow over, but that wouldn't solve anything and in her mind justify her over reaction and/or suspicions. Which is why now, if I haven't done anything wrong but I'm being accused of doing so then I stand firm. 0 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 On 2/1/2021 at 7:47 AM, NextUser said: This isn't the first argument we've had over something I consider to be very trivial. Ask yourself: "Is this any skin off my nose?" "Is it worth the power struggle?". Keep the peace for the sake of your kids. Make sure you pick your battles more wisely. Why start a war.?Just sit next to your wife if it makes everyone happy. It's going to be a long hard road for you when you start dismissing her feelings as "trivial". Surely you realize the arguments are not about the topic, they're about other tensions. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 (edited) I'm concerned for you long term and for your marriage staying together. Short term it seems to me you're handling it well. I'm also concerned for the effects on your sons living with this type of behavior. It will affect them, I don't know exactly how, though. I do think it's good for them to see you stay strong bc you're their role model when it would be tempting to always give in to keep the peace. I'm not trying to advise you as to the best way to deal with this because I don't have the training, or the knowledge of other factors in your married life to do so. I think I"d want to get an expert involved for the sake of a healthier marriage and for the sake of your sons' happiness, both now and long term, though. An environment where there is a lot of bickering going on isn't healthy for any of you and could have long lasting effects on your boys. Edited February 2, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NextUser Posted February 2, 2021 Author Share Posted February 2, 2021 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Ask yourself: "Is this any skin off my nose?" "Is it worth the power struggle?". Keep the peace for the sake of your kids. Make sure you pick your battles more wisely. Why start a war.?Just sit next to your wife if it makes everyone happy. It's going to be a long hard road for you when you start dismissing her feelings as "trivial". Surely you realize the arguments are not about the topic, they're about other tensions. Yes, I do get that there's underlying issues, I'm well aware of them. Don't think it's fair to air them on here though. Even despite posting anonymously. We don't constantly bicker, and she is a very good mum, in my opinion. Once I'd sat down, if I had moved to the other seat that would have almost certainly escalated the argument. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 2, 2021 Share Posted February 2, 2021 2 hours ago, NextUser said: Yes, I do get that there's underlying issues, I'm well aware of them. Marriage therapy could break the ice and deescalate this cycle. It could help unpack some of these underlying issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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