Roommate making me uncomfortable. Am I being insensitive towards his feelings?

[loney_girl]

Covid disclaimer: my city went into a strict lockdown when covid started. Thing were mostly back to “normal” by the summer. Gyms/restaurants/school etc all open.  
 

At the end of summer I began renting a room from a man I had known for quite some time. I knew him mainly online and hadn’t had much contact with him in person but we have mutual friends in common. There is currently an affordable housing crisis in my city. I had to move but could not find anywhere to live and was getting desperate. He offered me the room at a decent price so I jumped on it.  
 

At first things were a little awkward but then we became more comfortable friends, began going for walks sometimes, general hanging out at home, watching TV.  He expressed romantic interest in me but I said no thanks. A few weeks later he pushed the topic again saying he thought I was just afraid of my feelings for him. I told him I didn’t have any and really started trying to assess how I was behaving and if I was unintentionally leading him on. I started setting up firm boundaries which seemed to agitate him. I explained to him why I was sort of stepping back from our friendship and I thought it had given him the wrong impression. 
 

I work from home. One day while working, he came up behind me and began kissing my neck. I pulled away and we got into a bit of a fight. He threw a little tantrum stating he wanted a physical relationship from me and understood if I couldn’t commit to him emotionally. I again told him I wasn’t interested in him and I have 0 interest in being involved with a roommate.  
 

He’s started being quite passive aggressive now, or sending me moody messages through the day about his feelings. He’s also making comments about how sad he is and it is my fault. He had a female friend he could talk to about me but now she’s unavailable so he says I’m the only person he can talk to about his feelings.  I’m starting to feel on edge a lot when I’m home.  He never leaves the apartment except to go to work so he is always here. I can never get away from him.  Even if I just go in my bedroom and shut the door, he will keep messaging me the entire time or make excuses for why he needs to come into my room. Sometimes I go out and sit in my car just to be alone.  I was once sitting in a friends car out in the parking lot and I could see him in our living room window watching me. 
 

I understand it would be hard to be living with someone you have feelings for and they don’t reciprocate but I don’t want to be the person he talks to about it. I told him I think me living there is starting to be unhealthy.  He was adamant this wasn’t the case and I should stay. I’m starting to feel like he’s always trying to put some sort of guilt trip on me. 
 

I don’t know what to do because I feel I’m being mean by not listening to him but he’s also creeping me out.  It will take me months to find a new place to live because of the situation in my city.  

[d0nnivain]

Then get on it.  You need to move.  Putting off the search just leaves you in this uncomfortable place. 

[loney_girl]

How should I be treating him in the meantime? Continue to try to avoid? Or am I being a horrible person for not letting him express how he feels? 

[josedelamuerte]

1 hour ago, loney_girl said:

am I being a horrible person for not letting him express how he feels? 

What's the alternative? Let him have his way with you?

You're renting a room from him. For money. Not for sex.

Get out of there. Fast.

[trident_2020]

You're questioning whether you are a horrible person for not letting him express how he feels.

Do you think he's a horrible person for being physically aggressive with you despite you clearly and firmly telling him you're not interested?

If not, why not? Don't make the mistake of putting the needs of others over the needs of yourself- especially when what they need is YOU.

Edited to add.

So how to handle this issue. You can move out if there are practical alternatives. If you decide to stay you need to shut down the friendship and keep it to business only. Oh and use a deadbolt on your door because he's got a key.

Edited February 1, 2021 by trident_2020

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, loney_girl said:

Or am I being a horrible person for not letting him express how he feels? 

OMG, please stop saying stuff like this.  It is not your job to accommodate his feelings and allow him to be sexually creepy and inappropriate with you.  He already expressed that he was interested in you, and you said no.  It should have ended there.  When he continued to push the issue and make romantic advances towards you, it turned into sexual harassment.  Plain and simple.  It is not your job to "listen" to his feelings and allow him to "express himself."  That is completely ridiculous.

You need to get out of this living situation IMMEDIATELY.  That is the bottom line.  Look for another place to live as if it's an emergency.  There is nothing else to be said here.

[Wiseman2]

Tell him you'll report him to the housing authorities. Certainly this isn't legal, no?

[basil67]

People do not have a right to have others listen to their feelings.   It's perfectly acceptable for you to put up boundaries on what you'll listen to.  And it's OK for you to be extremely blunt about it.   "I don't care how you feel and I'm not going to listen to you blather on about it" would be a response which lets him know exactly how you feel.

Meanwhile, I'm worried for your safety - you need to get out of there ASAP.  

Edited February 1, 2021 by basil67

[Datergirl]

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

don't

 

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

  And it's OK for you to be extremely blunt about it.   "I don't care how you feel and I'm not going to listen to you blather on about it

 

I don't think I'd take this approach, especially if he's volatile and unpredictable. 

I'd tell him that he's making you feel uncomfortable, definitely get a deadlock bolt for your door and move out asap! Keep out of his way until then. 

What a creep. Honestly, women shouldn't have to feel afraid of men in situations like this, we should be able to tell them to go f*** themselves, but fear and past experience has taught me otherwise. 

[Datergirl]

FYI...screw his feelings...is he being sensitive to yours? Absolutely not. 

[deepthinking]

He is your landlord, not your room-mate.   He has a crush on you and all the objecting [redacted] is not going to change this   You are just a lodger.  Be glad he has not asked you to move out.   

Edited February 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
inflammatory langauge

[mark clemson]

Leave the situation ASAP would be my thought. Instead of worrying whether you're being insensitive, suggest you worry about what he might try to do if this continues/escalates.

Edited February 2, 2021 by mark clemson

[LivingWaterPlease]

Do you have family or close friends you could live with until you find a new place? I'd get out of there asap were I in your shoes. There are shelters for abused women in some towns. If you tell them your story you may even be able to stay in such a place until you can locate a new one.

[Lisa]

This thread has just received an extensive clean up, removing debate and conjecture.    Please continue on, keeping your comments directed at the OP

Thank you for your assistance.

[snowboy91]

Get out of there ASAP. Home is a space where you should feel comfortable, and he's persistently making you feel uncomfortable without it really getting through his head that he is the cause. 

As others have said, he's the one being completely insensitive about your feelings.

[StrongHands]

His behavior has really crossed the LINE.  You need to move as soon as possible.  There's no excuse in treating a lady like this. 

[Blind-Sided]

Leave.  You have no choice. 

If you have said "No" from the beginning... and he kissed your neck... that's borderline assault. Tell him if he does it again... you will report him to the police. 

As far as "What to do now"??   GO LOOK FOR A NEW PLACE !!  you can't stay there. 

[StrongHands]

Blind is right.  It has gone to FAR.  He probably feels entitled since you are living under his roof (which is crazy because you are PAYING).  Just FIND A NEW PLACE

[LynneVicious]

Op please take the advice of others on this thread and leave immediately. It’s a horrible situation for you to be in. You owe him nothing. Is there a friend or family member you could stay with immediately while you look for a permanent place to live? I think even a shelter would be better for uou at this point. He sounds dangerous. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

You are in a lot of danger. Get out now!

[Miss Spider]

He is so creepy. I’d move out 

Edited February 2, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[StrongHands]

Creepy is a very appropriate word in reference to his behavior and him

well said 

[ShyViolet]

On 2/1/2021 at 8:51 AM, loney_girl said:

I don’t know what to do because I feel I’m being mean by not listening to him 

On 2/1/2021 at 9:15 AM, loney_girl said:

 am I being a horrible person for not letting him express how he feels? 

 

OP, obviously this is an unsafe situation and you need to get out of that living situation ASAP.  But I'm also very concerned about the fact that you seem more concerned about the feelings of a person who is harassing and abusing you,  than about your own emotional and physical safety.  You seem to have this idea in your head that you are obligated to make other people happy even if they are mistreating you and even if you feel uncomfortable.  After you do escape this dysfunctional situation, you should get into therapy or this may happen again.

[StrongHands]

On 2/1/2021 at 5:19 PM, Datergirl said:

FYI...screw his feelings...is he being sensitive to yours? Absolutely not. 

I must have missed this post somehow but Dater is right. OP, I think HIS feelings are of zero importance at this point.  He gave up that right a long time ago with his creepy actions 

[spiderowl]

On 2/1/2021 at 1:51 PM, loney_girl said:

Covid disclaimer: my city went into a strict lockdown when covid started. Thing were mostly back to “normal” by the summer. Gyms/restaurants/school etc all open.  
 

At the end of summer I began renting a room from a man I had known for quite some time. I knew him mainly online and hadn’t had much contact with him in person but we have mutual friends in common. There is currently an affordable housing crisis in my city. I had to move but could not find anywhere to live and was getting desperate. He offered me the room at a decent price so I jumped on it.  
 

At first things were a little awkward but then we became more comfortable friends, began going for walks sometimes, general hanging out at home, watching TV.  He expressed romantic interest in me but I said no thanks. A few weeks later he pushed the topic again saying he thought I was just afraid of my feelings for him. I told him I didn’t have any and really started trying to assess how I was behaving and if I was unintentionally leading him on. I started setting up firm boundaries which seemed to agitate him. I explained to him why I was sort of stepping back from our friendship and I thought it had given him the wrong impression. 
 

I work from home. One day while working, he came up behind me and began kissing my neck. I pulled away and we got into a bit of a fight. He threw a little tantrum stating he wanted a physical relationship from me and understood if I couldn’t commit to him emotionally. I again told him I wasn’t interested in him and I have 0 interest in being involved with a roommate.  
 

He’s started being quite passive aggressive now, or sending me moody messages through the day about his feelings. He’s also making comments about how sad he is and it is my fault. He had a female friend he could talk to about me but now she’s unavailable so he says I’m the only person he can talk to about his feelings.  I’m starting to feel on edge a lot when I’m home.  He never leaves the apartment except to go to work so he is always here. I can never get away from him.  Even if I just go in my bedroom and shut the door, he will keep messaging me the entire time or make excuses for why he needs to come into my room. Sometimes I go out and sit in my car just to be alone.  I was once sitting in a friends car out in the parking lot and I could see him in our living room window watching me. 
 

I understand it would be hard to be living with someone you have feelings for and they don’t reciprocate but I don’t want to be the person he talks to about it. I told him I think me living there is starting to be unhealthy.  He was adamant this wasn’t the case and I should stay. I’m starting to feel like he’s always trying to put some sort of guilt trip on me. 
 

I don’t know what to do because I feel I’m being mean by not listening to him but he’s also creeping me out.  It will take me months to find a new place to live because of the situation in my city.  

I think you need to look for another place now.  I understand it will be difficult but this guy's behaviour is unlikely to change.  It's starting to get creepy.  He knew you were not interested and yet still tried to kiss your neck?  That is creepy and could be construed as assault.  Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he is struggling to hide his attraction to you.  That does not give him the right to touch you.

Can you put feelers out amongst friends that you are looking for somewhere else to live?  It sounds like this guy is getting obsessive and that can be dangerous.  The sooner you move out (and not tell him where you have moved to) the better.