blonde Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 hi again ... i need some advice about how to explain NC ... or if i should in fact explain it at all .. i posted a few days ago re realising i still loved mark but he had met someone new ... we met up on tuesday with me thinking it would be for closure ... but rather than this he in fact told he me was still in love with me and was torn between me and the new g/f ... we have been in contact every day since ... he has phoned me or i have phoned him ... always getting back to talking about relationship ... and i question him about the new g/f (BAD BAD BAD) ... i have laid it on the line about how i feel ... how committed i am ... i have sent him two emails (that were maybe a bit over the top) about my thoughts and how much i want him ... he is spending this weekend with new g/f (who lives close by to him ... im 1.5 hours away) ... and says he will call me tomorrow night (sunday) ... my problem is this ... i want to initiate NC ... it kills me more and more every time to speak to him ... and i find myself saying/asking about things i know are not healthy for me to know ... however i am unsure of what to say to him about NC ... how to phrase it in a positive way ... any suggestions in the next 20 hours gratefully accepted!!! thanks!!! Link to post Share on other sites
leighmc Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 Don't explain, just do it! NC is very hard, i'm not going to lie but it is definatly for the best. It will help him realize what he wants and will help you to heal and move on. Then if he decides he wants you back, hopefully you will be strong enough to say no. Do you really want to be second choice to the new girlfriend? I was in the exact same situation, hoping the ex with the new g/f would take me back. It's been 3 months and that hasn't happend yet. However, now if he were to want me back, I would say no. I struggled with NC but I know it's for the best. If you really want to explain, all that you need to say is "please don't contact me again, you know how hard this is for me and your constant contact only makes things worse". Leave it at that and hopefully he will respect your wishes. Good luck, and it does get better I PROMISE! Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted October 15, 2005 Share Posted October 15, 2005 In your case I would simply send an email before starting NC "I want to move on with my life. I think it's best if we don't contact each other anymore. Please respect my feelings about this." Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Share Posted October 16, 2005 NC is not something you should talk to your ex about. Just do it. It's a way of life. I never told my ex I would cut all contact with her I just did it. Some days the NC feels great and I feel strong. Other days it's painful and I feel just as bad as I did the first week of the break up. Since he has a new gf it's best to cut all contact with him. It is not a very easy road but please stick to NC at all costs until you have gotten over him. Call a friend or relative or go visit a relative ( I stayed at my grandmother's house for 2 nights this week) My point is to always find something to do to keep your mind off of him. I might even leave the united states for an indefinite period of time once I get my passport renewed but I won't tell my ex that I'm leaving. I want to keep the mystery going in her mind (if she's wondering at all) about what I'm doing or where I am. Allow him some time to sense that you have disappeared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blonde Posted October 16, 2005 Author Share Posted October 16, 2005 hi! leave the country ... wow ... thats pretty extreme ... well come visit me in australia lol! thing is ... mark is meant to be deciding between me and the new g/f ... fail to see how he can make an unbiased judgement when he spends so much time with her as she is close to him and im quite a way away ... i was initially the dumper ... not dumpee ... but looks like roles are reversed now ... should i take the final call from him tonight and wait to hear what he says (i know im meant to think positive but im pretty sure he will say its over) ... or just never speak to him again? i would like the opportunity to explain myself and my reasons for future NC ... is this advisable ... Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Share Posted October 16, 2005 hi! leave the country ... wow ... thats pretty extreme ... well come visit me in australia lol! thing is ... mark is meant to be deciding between me and the new g/f ... fail to see how he can make an unbiased judgement when he spends so much time with her as she is close to him and im quite a way away ... i was initially the dumper ... not dumpee ... but looks like roles are reversed now ... should i take the final call from him tonight and wait to hear what he says (i know im meant to think positive but im pretty sure he will say its over) ... or just never speak to him again? i would like the opportunity to explain myself and my reasons for future NC ... is this advisable ... No I would not take the call unless he leaves a message saying it's urgent. Explaining your reasons to him for NC would not be advisable unless eliminating contact with him is unavoidable. I wish you luck. I hope it all works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 16, 2005 Share Posted October 16, 2005 Blonde^, you are at a weak point right now and despite whether or not you see it that way, if you try to explain to him your reasons for NC my guess is he is going to take every route to talk you out of that decision. He'll find some sore spot that makes sense to you, and you'll continue running dialogue with him which will not work in your favor. Take it from someone who was in your shoes, and finally saw what I was doing to myself and strictly enforced the NC method. I told him he has all or none of me, and you deserve the same...because only he can make up his own mind about who he wants to be with. Why would you want to stay in the picture, so he can keep tabs on u while hes out having fun with whats-her-face?? NO!! Dont be the fool who falls for that crap. You sound much stronger and smarter, and us girls gotta stick together so if you are seeking support or just need to vent, come on here and let the words flow. Besides, if you enforce NC you may have your situation like mine...where he comes back and this time its on YOUR terms so you get to make the rules and he's ready and able to do whatever it takes to show you he is worthy of you (which is the way its supposed to be, not the other way around like it is right now) Link to post Share on other sites
Author blonde Posted October 16, 2005 Author Share Posted October 16, 2005 j dub ... thank u so much for ur reply and ur support ... it makes such a diff to be able to talk about this stuff! and do i ever need to vent ... this has been the longest weekend of my life ... he told me he would call me on friday night if he didnt stay over at her place ... obviously he did ... and that he would be there for the weekend and will call me tonight (its now 7.10pm) ... personally i call "whats-her-face" "the herring" lol lol ... i know he keeps tabs on me as he told me on tuesday he looks for me on msn and icq but doesnt know what to say to me ... i told him (honestly) that i have him blocked on chat right now ... in the past i have caught him reading my text msgs and also trying to hack into my dating site profile ... i was on the dating website because we were meant to be "just" friends ... which was the way i said i wanted it ... although we were more friends with benefits ... and we spoke pretty much at least once a day ... i felt he was too dependent on me and needed to find some inner strength ... i think he is a very needy person ... which accounts for him falling for the next person who came along and put their tongue in his mouth ... i predicted as much to him ages ago ... he doesnt have a lot of friends ... hes not a real mans man ... hes quiet, sensitive, nice, gentle ... he is from US and has lived here in aus for 10 years ... he is quite involved with synagogue as he has no family here ... im jewish but not THAT jewish ... the herring is a heap more jewish than i am ... they do the shabbat candles together on friday nights (cute) ... another point in her favour ... they even met at a talk given by the israeli ambassador ... something i would have little or no interest in doing ... he described her to me as "different ... she is a professional ... a businesswoman ... strong ... she is highly educated and philosophical ... we have long indepth conversations" ... and i know he admires that ... i think success can be such a attraction ... u use the other persons success it to self validate ... make urself feel worthwhile ... i think personally that she will just be a crutch (crotch?) ... he describes the sex he has with her as "mature" ... when i asked him to explain that he said it was how he would imagine old people have sex ... huh??? anyway ... there is no getting down and dirty as we had together ... we were very in tune that way ... and he says she is not a very good kisser ... u wonder why he told me all this stuff ... because i asked ... im beating myself up here ... when we met on tue i fully expected the "goodbye speech" but no ... "he says i love u and cant have u not in my life" ... well hey .. im 100% committed to making positive changes in my life ... i so wish he could share them with me ... i love the man desperately (ur prob wondering why ... i think on here we both sound as bad as each other ... and the weirdest thing is we are both 50 and acting like teenagers lol) but im not going to stick around and be there for him on his terms ... and will tell him so tonight ... i am pretty sure he will just go jump in the herring jar but hey ... i have to regain my pride and get over this preoccupation with the two of them ... i hope my situation ends up like urs ... sounds like a happy ending ... i would love to hear ur story if ever u have time ... thank u so much again for ur comment and support j dub ... hope to hear from u again xxx Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 16, 2005 Share Posted October 16, 2005 Hi Blonde^ Your very welcome, I hope my experience can benefit you in some way. My story is quite similar, but really its irrelevant because it's in the past and what matters is that we moved on. He dumped me, I ensued NC and he came back..in a nut shell. In any case, dont beat yourself up about what qualities "the herring" and he have in common in comparison to yourself. There is no comparison, it's like comparing apples to oranges because the only interpretation you have of her right now is based off what he tells you, which is probably censored and tailored to make u jealous for whatever reason he decides fit. So really, dont waste another minute worrying if she is more qualified for the "girlfriend" position w/ him right now, because I really think at this point you are better off worrying about yourself and what the steps are at the moment to get yourself back into "me" mode. Screw this fella, he is giving you up for some hussy and thats his mistake. You will both realize this with time, but for it to really sink in and for him to realize what he is missing, you need to disappear off the face of the planet. Thats what I did, and many others on this board can tell u the same...it has more benefits than staying in contact with an ex. Let us know what happens You'll be in my thoughts Link to post Share on other sites
Author blonde Posted October 17, 2005 Author Share Posted October 17, 2005 hi there j dub ... well here's the latest ... waited and waited for the phone call last night ... at 10.20 i get txt saying "just had a long talk to karen ... good luck for new job ... call u 2morrow xoxo" ... i txt'd back saying "no point in talking unless u have made a decision ... have u" ... no answer ... so at 11pm i txt again saying "i begin a new job tomorrow ... would appreciate some feedback as i need to sleep 2nite" ... so he calls me at 11pm "i really really love u ... i love u so much he says" ... then he adds "but i can't go back" ... and the final stinger "this has nothing to do with karen" ... well hey ... he had said to me if only i had told him a week earlier how i truly felt about him we would have been back together ... but then he met karen ... so thats the greatest load of BS ive ever heard ... and i told him so ... he said he loves me ... he doesnt love karen ... but just kept repeating he cant go back ... i had rejected for too long ... i said well karen surely influenced his decision as he had just spent 3 entire days with staying with her and her family and he said "oh no ... not at all" ... like hellll-oooo ... he said it wasnt a case of him admiring her because she is so "professional and successful" ... as if ... i can read him like a book lol ... i said i assumed she is jumping up and down with joy and he didnt comment ... just kept telling me how much he loved me ... so i said "please dont contact me again ... i hope ur sex life improves (apparently its pretty dull) ... good luck in ur new bed ... goodbye" ... and promptly went to sleep lol lol ... this morning i deleted him from all phones, email address book, msn and icq (including history) ... i chucked out EVERYTHING ... im sad and im hurt ... but i will be strong ... i doubt if he will call me ... he is posting my sunglasses back (i left them in his car last tuesday ... accidentally ... i swear!!!) ... and thats that ... all over red rover ... j dub ... i sincerely appreciate the support u gave me ... seems weird that a stranger writing me a post gave me strength ... u r a wise woman and ur understanding made me feel better ... empowered even ... thank u again ... if there are further developments (which i find highly unlikely) ... i know who i will come visit on here xxxx Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Hey you! I'm sorry you had a rough night talking to him, but you dont sound like youre all that surprised it came down to what it did. And at this point, you are free to drop him and let him be with this other lame girl who to me, sounds incredibly boring and vanilla. Deleting his contact info was also a good idea because it'll prevent drunk dials and emails. Those are the most embarassing of all, believe me. Have faith in yourself, you WILL work thru this and you WILL look back on this later and think, geeze why did I waste a thought on him? He so wasnt worth it Hang in there sister, and dont forget to come on over here and vent away if you are having a moment of sadness or just need to talk to someone. We're all here for ya Link to post Share on other sites
Author blonde Posted October 18, 2005 Author Share Posted October 18, 2005 will stick to my NC but u know ... i feel so empty ... so sad ... so alone so much for being fired up ... jesus im sad Link to post Share on other sites
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