Confusion after separation

[Peter74]

Hi, I probably have had quite a strange break up with my ex wife. I will try and keep it as short as possible so not to bore anyone 😂.

Around 18 months ago my wife who was suffering from depression left me and when I went to talk to her at her mothers I could only communicate to her via her mother. Her mother is very controlling and all her kids are scared of her. Her mum told me it was over and the reasons were pathetic. Reasons like I never cut the grass when i was asked or never went for bubble bath right away for our 2 year old daughter. My answer to those reasons were that I had spent 3 hours cutting the hedges and fixing a fence and it was getting late so I'd do it at the weekend. I was asked to go for bubble bath at 9pm when our daughter was in bed so I said I'd get it the next day. I was not allowed to talk to my wife alone and there was no reason not to as we have never had a violent relationship or even argued often. Her mother is a horrible person who has made my ex wife's life a misery and my ex has suffered from depression and had counselling because of her. The mother in law was smiling as she destroyed our family. 

So the reason I am confused is that the ex is a very stubborn woman and like her mother in that way. I got thrown out and its been a fight from day 1. I have tried everything to make things go as easy as possible and when I deal with my ex things are generally OK but after every decision made she changes them and I know this is after she talks to her mum. Her mother and dad split when she was young and her dad said his life was a misery for years. 

So now we are at 18 months apart and I have met someone else and she is perfect. She is just amazing but I sometimes feel that I am not giving her my all as even though my ex says she wants nothing to do with me I am convinced she is lying and will never admit how she is feeling because she is so stubborn and would never show weakness to her mother. One reason I know she is lying is she told me she does not care what I do but I have caught her out trying to log into different online accounts I have. Using my old passwords. So why would someone who wants nothing to do with you be trying to see what I am up to? 

Our relationship was good. We had a great life and had a beautiful little girl. Everything seemed perfect but as I had been with her for 10 years I knew her depression was affecting her and she was taking trivial things out of hand and treating me badly. Blaming me for stupid things. I was always the one to try and make her feel better and her family done nothing. 

In my eyes she was depressed and her mother made these daft reasons more serious. Even her friends have tried to reason with her but she is adamant she is right. Her mother suffers from depression as well as some mental health problems. 

I'm confused because I miss who she was and my life with her as a family but I do not like who she has become. I wish I could just forget about her and get on with my life because even if she was thinking she had made a mistake she would never back down. So why am I even bothering myself thinking about her. I really don't want this to affect my new relationship but it is. It would be so much easier if we didn't have a child together as then I would not need to see her. Like her dad I have been treated terribly and blackmailed by using our daughter to try and get a lot of money from me when she threw me out the family home and left me with nothing and kept the savings! Now there is lawyers involved and I've tried to get her to go to mediation but to no avail. Even her uncle told me the mother in law just loves a fight and from day 1 its been a fight. I think I am.convinced her mother is controlling her again and this is what is holding me back. 

She even has close friends of hers on my side as well as some of her family. They think what she had done is just totally wrong and bizarre. 

[ShyViolet]

If your ex is letting her mother control the situation like that, then that says a lot about your ex.  She's choosing to allow it to be this way.  Don't blame the mother in law.  Your ex has issues that are way beyond your ability to change.  It's over between you and her.  Don't waste your energy entertaining ideas that it could be different.  If you found a new partner who makes you happy then you should move on and focus on that.

[FMW]

16 minutes ago, Peter74 said:

Our relationship was good. We had a great life and had a beautiful little girl. Everything seemed perfect but as I had been with her for 10 years I knew her depression was affecting her and she was taking trivial things out of hand and treating me badly. Blaming me for stupid things.

If your wife was taking things "out of hand" and treating you badly, then your relationship was not good, and I don't think anyone would think it seemed perfect. Most relationships start out good, it's maintaining it that separates marriages that last from those that don't.  

Her mother may be a mean and terrible person, but your wife apparently chose to leave you and go to her.  Even if your wife is depressed, she still chose to go to her mother over staying with you.   

The breakdown of a marriage, especially when children are involved, is really difficult to come to terms with.  But you need to look at things honestly.

It sounds to me like you're probably still in love with your wife and that's why even though you say you've met someone else who is perfect, you are still holding on to your wife.  You aren't ready to date anyone else, you haven't come to terms with the breakdown of your marriage.  If you're not actually divorced you need to deal with that before trying to be with someone else.    

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Peter74 said:

Now there is lawyers involved and I've tried to get her to go to mediation but to no avail. she had done is just totally wrong and bizarre. 

Excellent. You need to communicate through your attorneys. Especially after all this time you need to dissolve the marriage financially and otherwise. You also need to set up child support and custody/visitation.

It doesn't matter who's on whose side. It doesn't matter that you don't like her mother. It doesn't matter that you think she's like her mother.

What matters is you're still legally married, dating others and wasting time and energy rather than doing what you need to do for your kids and yourself.

[Peter74]

It was extremely hard for me at the start. I loved my wife, life and home so losing it all for nothing and I mean nothing was hard to grasp. There was no big arguments and when anyone asked the reason she didn't have one. Her mothers husband is a door mat. He does everything she asks. He works 6 days a week and she has never ever had a job and he jumps at every order so the fact that I don't was what annoyed her mum. 

I know deep down its over and for most of the time I'm completely fine with that but there is just something telling me she regrets her decision and that for some reason is slowing me down where I wish it wasn't.  I want to just move on completely and not even think about her at all. I know she was very angry when she found out I was dating but I quite enjoyed that after months of nastiness.