Is this relationship over? I feel like I am being treated poorly after 1 1/2 years of giving all I could

[Futural]

Hello everyone!

I would like to get my story off my chest, since I am really struggling with my girlfriend right now. There will be a TL;DR at the bottom, since this will probably be quite a long one.

So I met D about 18 months ago, we connected and we got into a relationship, my first one to be precise, I never had a romantic or sexual experience before her. We quickly hit it off and we could talk about everything, all seemed perfect. The first 3 months went by with her telling me that I am her everything, that she couldn't believe that she hasn't met me beforehand and so on.

We spent everyday together, I lost my virginity to her, was over at her place everyday and spent weeks on end with her. After about 4 months the first problems occured. She grew distant, and did not accept me coming close to her in forms of intimacy. We didnt have sex for 2 months, I was not allowed to hug her or kiss her, she would turn her head around or say that she needs space. I often tried to communicate with her, ask what was wrong, did something happen? Have I made some mistake?

She never accepted to talk to me about it, so I grew distant aswell, accepted her being this way. Then the fights began. She didn't like how I was doing the dishes and fought about it with me, because I did it wrong. She fought with me because I looked at her wrong, spoke in a wrong tone, everything was a reason to fight with me. At that time I spent a large amount of money to renovate her place, since she often said that she is not comfortable in her home and would like it to be renovated. When we were done with it, not 2 days later. She fought with me again when I ordered a desk and new bed for her because I wanted to use a coupon to save some money.

She went on a spree of telling me awful things for 30 minutes, how I am poor, a loser, and all kinds of insults while I sat there crying. I packed my stuff right then and there and left, I couldn't believe what had happened. I never raised my voice at her or treated her without respect. I did everything for her, yet I felt like she began hating me for no reason.

A week later she apologized and told me that she was horrible in treating me that way. We met up, talked about everything and made up. There some stuff came to light that really turned the relationship on it's head. So buckle up, here is what she told me:

- She is currently married to an alchoholic that she had an abortion with. She married that guy to steal custody of his child, since she thought she had to save the child from him, which didn't work out.
- She was raped in the past and has a trauma that leads her to not want to have intimacy for long periods of time. She refuses to get trauma therapy to work through the issues though.
- She was in a psych ward and everyone said and believes that she is diagnosed with BPD, but she never admitted to it and told me that she has no diagnosis, that she is just depressed.
- She has a history of self harm in forms of starving herself and burning herself with hot water.

I didn't know what to think about this, but I loved her, and she was my first relationship, so I wanted to make it work. I forgave her and after she told me all of that, everything went great again until the 6 months mark. We did have sex again and she seemed to be in a good place. Then it stopped again though and the unnecessary fights continued. At one time we discussed the death penalty and our stand on it. I am fundamentally against it, whatever the crime of the person is. She thinks it's a good punishment for sick individuals. I told her okay, agree do disagree. But she screamed at me from the top of her lungs for ten minutes because of that.

After about 2 months of those fights I sat her down to talk. I told her that she grew distant again, and that I think it would be good to get into therapy to not let it control her emotions. I told her I would support her through it, she wasn't having any of it. Then came the day everything changed. One evening we were laying in bed together, not talking at all since she became irritated and agressive without me knowing why. She slammed the pantry doors shut, threw stuff around and then laid next to me in bed.

I told her that I don't know what's wrong right now, since she doesn't talk to me and that I do not have it in me right now to fight again and just don't know what to do. I then turned around to sleep. She began to cry and after about 2 minutes, I hugged her and hold her. I told her that I am growing distant myself, since she treats me like an aquaintance for months at a time when she is in this mode. I told her I loved her but that it really strains our relationship, that we need to find a solution for it.

She was going crazy again after I said that.  Telling me that I am only there for sex, screaming at me, insulting me. I packed my stuff again, and while doing so she started hitting me really hard on my shoulder. She then ran into the bathroom and hit her head against the mirror. I felt like a hostage in that situation and went to her, calmed her down and treated her head.

She cried histerically and the cops showed up, but couldn't find out which flat the screaming came from so they left after a while. She said that she can never forgive herself for hitting me, that she can understand if the relationship is over. I told her I need to think and left with my stuff.

I moved, and got my own place after that, short of 20 minutes by car from her. I spent more time at my place than at hers, but I did forgive her again and we did grew closer once again. We were intimate, she could accept my love again, me treating her for dinner, hugging her, kissing her, talking sweet to her and having sex. This went on and on up until the last 2 months. We had one fight when she started hiding her phone and I confronted her and asked about it.

She got defensive first but a week later when I thought she cheated on me, she told me that she is chatting with a guy from the internet because she feels lonely, but she only does it to have a conversation, nothing sexual or anything. She told me I could snoop through her phone and look, I refused and told her it's okay as long as she is not in an emotional affair or cheating on me.

A few weeks later she started chatting with her last ex boyfriend before I entered the picture. That guy treated her really bad from her tellings and abused her. I also knew this guy personally and was not a fan of him aswell. I told her that I don't like her chatting with her ex, that I feel uncomfortable and won't hide my feelings about this. She called me controlling and we grew distant once more.

And now we are here. One month ago she told me that she is currently fighting with her mental situation and has no time or space for the relationship. She told me she can't accept anything that is good and that she can't feel anything positive. She told me that she will need time and space to herself and that we won't be seeing each other for a while.

Then the ghosting began, she never replied to my message several times for 3-6 days. Left me on read while she was online, chatting to other people. She told me in a phonecall after a week, that she usually phones her sister for hours on end. That she talks to her friends to distract her. This hurted me, since she told me that she is fighting with her mental state and can't make time for her relationship that has been going on for 16/17 months, but she can spent time with others and be okay.

She blocked me from seeing her status updates and her online status, she ghosted me again for a week and then called me crying, asking me to please not go to another woman and to wait for her. I told her I would wait, but to please stop ghosting me. She told me she would make time for me next week, to meet up.

Well, a day before meeting up she called me, and I was really happy, told her about my time and asked her what she was up to. She suddenly, in the middle of the conversation stopped talking and hung up on me. I asked her about it and she fabricated a fight out of nowhere, telling me that I never have time for her and that she knows that I don't want to be in a relationship anymore.

I asked her several times why she think's like that but she never gave me a clear answer or communicated with me. She told me the relationship is over and that "she can't do anything for us 2 anymore, she tried everything". I was flabbergasted, I did everything to make it right, forgave her things that others would have left her for without thinking twice. Went months without even a hug from my girlfriend, went through hundreds of fights. And she just ends the relationship without any real explanation.

And here is the best part: A few days later she wrote to me that she loves me to the stars and beyond, that she wishes me to be in bed next to her. What [...] is going on?

She makes me feel like I am a bad person for not supporting her anymore in her fights with her mental health. But she is not getting professional help and hurted me physically and especially emotionally in this relationship. Why is she treating me like this?  Right now after saying all that, she is ghosting me again for 4 days.

I strongly believe that I should respect myself and leave this relationshop, go no contact and try to love myself and my time alone again. But I have no closure and it hurts so bad to put everything into a person for so long, and feel like you mean nothing to them. 

Thank you for listening, feedback or your take on this story would be appreciated.

TL;DR: GF of 18 months fought with me hundreds of times for small reasons, hurt me physically and emotionally, has past trauma and can't accept intimacy for months at a time, doesn't get professional help, doesn't communicate with me and ghosts me for weeks on end. I did everything to support her. Emotionally, financal, but get nothing in return and have no closure and no idea if I should just end the relationship.

Edited February 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited to remove inappropriate language in thread title and opening post

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Futural said:

 hurt me physically 

This in itself is reason to end it then delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

Completely distance yourself. Talk to trusted friends and family.

Get an evaluation form a physician for the moods and overall wellbeing and get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

Don't try to fix or change people. Dating is a What you see is what you get situation.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman has some severe mental health problems, OP. 

She is also abusive and dishonest. 

You cannot have a stable, happy, functional relationship with someone like this. It does not matter how much you do for them; the result will always be the same. You will be discarded. She isn't mentally stable enough to provide you with any sort of consistency. 

It's time for you to move on, and dig deep to figure out why you tolerated such chaos and mistreatment for so long. You saw serious red flags a while ago. You need to figure out why you chose to overlook them. 

[josedelamuerte]

You haven't done anything wrong. This girl's just not right in the head. I think that the bipolar diagnosis may have been spot-on.

"But things were going so well at the start" you say, "sometimes she's got it under control". True. But then other times she doesn't.

She realizes she has a problem, but refuses to get help. You can't make her get that help. You leaving might be the kick in the butt she needs to get herself straightened out.

I know this is tough, 'cause she was your first, and I think you were hoping she'd also be your last, and I feel for you. Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

Oh good heavens.  Where to begin?  

You have to leave her.  She is married to someone else but not giving you sex, insulting you & physically hurting you.  On top of that you spent all sorts of money to renovate her place. That money is a total loss now.  Never do that again in a dating relationship.  

She's user & bad person.  Run away!  

[Gaeta]

You already have your closure, this woman treated you like dirt ! 

Now YOU need to do some soul searching and figure out why in the world you gave so much to a woman that abused you in everyway possible ! You need to fix that before you move on to another relationship otherwise you'll end up with another abuser. Futural: You cannot expect a woman to respect you if you don't respect yourself first. Allowing her to treat you that way was a total disrespect of yourself. 

[Futural]

Thank you for your responses. I broke it off and will try to heal / find out how I could accept being treated this way.

She is currently on a smear campaign, telling her family and friends how awful I was. Of course she is denying the physical and emotional abuse.

Oh well, Ill just try to look forward.

[ExpatInItaly]

58 minutes ago, Futural said:

She is currently on a smear campaign, telling her family and friends how awful I was. Of course she is denying the physical and emotional abuse.

If they have any notion of just how mentally unstable she is (and they likely do), they will probably take her assertions with a grain of salt. 

And even if they don't, it isn't your problem anymore. You can't reason with the unreasonable, or rationalize with the irrational. 

[elaine567]

On 2/3/2021 at 2:20 PM, josedelamuerte said:

I think that the bipolar diagnosis may have been spot-on.

BPD usually refers to Borderline Personality Disorder NOT Bipolar Disorder.
They are separate and different diagnoses.

[josedelamuerte]

Just now, elaine567 said:

BPD usually refers to Borderline Personality Disorder NOT Bipolar Disorder.
They are separate and different diagnoses.

Ah, I stand corrected 🙏🏻

[elaine567]

Dating is NOT about finding someone and putting up with all their bad points and suffering greatly yourself, as you feel the  need to "fix" them. 
Dating is about discarding the bad matches, the unstable people, the people who make you unhappy...
It is your job to find someone who is compatible with you, and who makes you happy.
It is not your job to try to mend the broken, you are not a therapist, you may in fact be making things 100x worse, no matter how good your intent is. 
Leave that  job to the professionals.