Ex came with flowers, said he hasn't forgotten me, then I saw him on Tinder

[Glx]

BF broke up with me 2 months ago because we had lot of arguments (where I was the initiator). We were together for six months. As soon as he announced the breakup, I left directly. Then he started writing long messages to me, asking "what do you think about everything" and "how are you". He called me a couple of times to disuss everything, I didn't want to talk, and he said "ok, then I won't bother you anymore".
A month went by, we had 0 contact (he was just liking my pictures of FB). He suddenly texted that he wanted to pick up his book. We met, he came to the meeting with flowers. 
He asked: "do you still think of me?," added that he hasn't forgotten me at all and couldn't move on, that he was an idiot.
Me: "why are you saying all this?" He replied "I hope it makes me feel better somehow."
I tried to turn the conversation around, I said, "I'm glad you're doing well." He: "only when it comes to studying" 
He added: "found out through friends that you were back on Tinder. That hit me very hard..."
Me: I don't know what to say.

He then asked: "are you coming from work now or something?"
Me: - no, I had a meeting now and was nearby.
The conversation ended with him again (as after the breakup) saying, "I mean all these texts seriously, if you ever need anything, I'll always help you." 

Week goes by, and his profile suddenly pops up on Tinder. He wrote in his bio "I want to be the Napoleon to your Josephine, so that I can fight for you more fiercely that France and Germany did! In a couple of years I am going to be a rich diplomat, but now I am just a student. I speak English, German and I am learning and in love with French (if you are French, please text me if french!)"

The thing is, I was the one who told him the story about Napoleon and Josephine - it is one of my favourite love stories. I was always telling him, how one day he will become a rich diplomat (he is studying now), and I am also French. I helped him with learning French and we always talked about our cultures. He loved the fact that I am French...

Even during the last meeting with flowers he said "I am taking so many classes about France now, I am sure that you would love it" (I replied something like "ok cool")

I really don't know what to think about all this anymore...

Edited February 3, 2021 by Glx

[Mrin]

Could be three things:

1) his Tinder profile was talking to you. Or designed to talk to you in a good way. Wants to rekindle

2) he's just being spiteful because you're on Tinder so he wrote a profile that would get under your skin

3) he is recycling good lines to find someone else

 

Which one of those stories feels most right to you based on his actions and personality?

[josedelamuerte]

Fact that he's on Tinder doesn't mean he wouldn't rather rekindle his relationship with you. It just means that he realizes that that's not his choice to make, and that there's a possibility that you won't come around. In that case he'd like to meet other potential partners.

I'm guessing the reason he worded his profile in such a way is because he's still pining for you, and so is hoping to meet someone similar.

But that really shouldn't matter. Do you want him back?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Glx said:

BF broke up with me 2 months ago because we had lot of arguments

. We were together for six months.

Sorry this happened. Why drag out the drama? At 28 weeks you already know you're incompatible and argue too much.

A lot of these tactics sound like gimmicks to restart the sex until he makes out on tinder.

It's time to block and delete him now from all social media and messaging apps. It seems he fancies himself a player.

Edited February 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Miss Spider]

He got tired of the rship and fighting, but he still wants to get some. some people like to have their hands in many pots. If one doesn’t work for them they have another. I’m not mad at them. It probably works. 

Edited February 3, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[d0nnivain]

He wants you back.  He went on Tinder & wrote the story you told him because he wants you back.  How can you not see this? 

You are not NC if you are still connected on social media. Him liking your stuff is contact.  

If you want to get back with him, put him out of his misery & tell him that.  If you don't want to get back together with him, put him out of his misery & sever all contact.  Tell him you are swiping left (no) on Tinder & blocking him & that you will be disconnecting on social media & you will delete his # from your phone because he needs to go off & heel.  

Since you were the one always picking fights what is the upside to you to get back? You clearly didn't enjoy the 6 months you were together?  Do you honestly think whatever aggravated you back then has magically been fixed now?  

[Gaeta]

Bonjour Glx

What do you want? 

He knows what he wants, he wants you back. The fact he's on Tinder means nothing, men all rush to dating apps when they're heart broken, it's their way to deal with the pain. If you tell him  you want to give it another try he'll be off of there in a heart beat.

Same with the Joséphine story. He's wondering out there looking for another Glx. 

If you don't want to get back with him then tell him, delete him from all of your social media and do not reply to any of the messages he may send you in the future. Have a little pitty for the man. If you don't want him, block him. Anything else will keep him in his misery.

[Glx]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

He wants you back.  He went on Tinder & wrote the story you told him because he wants you back.  How can you not see this? 

You are not NC if you are still connected on social media. Him liking your stuff is contact.  

If you want to get back with him, put him out of his misery & tell him that.  If you don't want to get back together with him, put him out of his misery & sever all contact.  Tell him you are swiping left (no) on Tinder & blocking him & that you will be disconnecting on social media & you will delete his # from your phone because he needs to go off & heel.  

Since you were the one always picking fights what is the upside to you to get back? You clearly didn't enjoy the 6 months you were together?  Do you honestly think whatever aggravated you back then has magically been fixed now?  

I enjoyed the relationship, fights were my mistakes that I have been working on since the break up... and I apologised for it. 

Well, during the meeting he stated that he still has feelings, but he did not say anything in the lines like "I want you back" or "lets have another try".

He clearly wanted me to take the initiative (if at all), and I don't feel comfortable about it, since he is the one who initiated the break up.

I do want him back, and still have feelings for him, but I want him to make a clear choice.

And if he was really interested in getting back together, that's VERY strange behavior - instead of talking about it, he gets back on tinder to look for other women 😐 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree. He's clearly trying to get you back. Do you want to take him back or not?

What were your arguments about? If they were bad enough for him to break it off and you to get back on a dating site, I guess they were pretty bad.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Glx said:

And if he was really interested in getting back together, that's VERY strange behavior - instead of talking about it, he gets back on tinder to look for other women 😐 

He initiated the break up because of the fights.  Based on what he wrote -- your favorite love story -- he went on Tinder to find YOU not other women. 

Speak up if you want to move this forward.  Don't make him do it. Even though he broke up with you he thought he had to because of the fights.  Help the guy out.  

[Glx]

3 hours ago, josedelamuerte said:

Fact that he's on Tinder doesn't mean he wouldn't rather rekindle his relationship with you. It just means that he realizes that that's not his choice to make, and that there's a possibility that you won't come around. In that case he'd like to meet other potential partners.

I'm guessing the reason he worded his profile in such a way is because he's still pining for you, and so is hoping to meet someone similar.

But that really shouldn't matter. Do you want him back?

But why isn't it his choice? He was the one who wanted to break up, so all the decisions are up to him... I can't do much. I was just friendly during the meeting, and after that he gets back on dating website 😬

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, he broke up so he needs to initiate getting back together. He put out feelers and you were receptive. The rest is up to him. I'd remain receptive for a while and see if he steps up.

[josedelamuerte]

3 minutes ago, Glx said:

fights were my mistakes that I have been working on since the break up

Tell him this. And that you want to try again.

From what you're telling us it's quite clear that he wants you back.

You can be coy and pretend like there's nothing you can do, or you can reach out to him, explain that you didn't mean to fight him into this breakup, that you still love him, have been working on your issues and will continue to do so, and that you want to give it another go.

I think you'll be happier with the latter.

[Mrin]

25 minutes ago, Glx said:

But why isn't it his choice? He was the one who wanted to break up, so all the decisions are up to him... I can't do much.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be back together?

[Acacia98]

41 minutes ago, Glx said:

But why isn't it his choice? He was the one who wanted to break up, so all the decisions are up to him... I can't do much. I was just friendly during the meeting, and after that he gets back on dating website 😬

It sounds like you were being non-committal or just tolerating him (at least that's my interpretation) in your conversation. Maybe he's looking for an actual green light before he makes his move. Or maybe he reckons you essentially ended the relationship because you were always initiating fights with him. So he's waiting for you to say you want to reconcile. Then again, maybe this is all just in my imagination.

[Gaeta]

47 minutes ago, Glx said:

I was just friendly during the meeting, and after that he gets back on dating website 😬

That conversation you typed to us? That's nothing friendly. When he asked if you still thought of him you replied by *why you ask that* that is a rejection on your part. You cut the grass right under his feet. You should have replied the truth right there. 

Forget about the dating site. It means nothing. You're not a couple, he has all the rights to be there and I assure you he's there to keep distracted because a man does not bring flowers to an ex and risk being ridiculed if he's not serious about getting her back. 

[poppyfields]

Hi Gix, my take is right now he's longing for you, which is different from loving.

Longing = he's without you, he misses you, he's pining for you, he's obsessing.  It's pretty common after a break up, even for the dumper.

Loving = cherishing you, caring about you, while in the relationship with you.

You initiated fights for a reason and he broke up with you for a reason.  Whether it was because of the fights, other things or a combo of both.

In this state of longing, he's being quite melodramatic if I do say so myself.  Bringing flowers, the things he's said to you and of course the Napoleon/Josephine story on Tinder.  IMO, it's all a sort of manipulation to pull at your heart strings; he may not mean it intentionally but that's what he's doing.

I am glad you've kept your senses about this. Since HE ended it, if he wants to try again, he needs to tell you directly not with these types of covert messages sent through social media.  

Should he tell you directly that he wants you back, ask him what's changed and what will be different once you are back together.  Otherwise, the same shyt that broke you up will happen again.

JMO, good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

[poppyfields]

Gix, I just read your previous thread, right after your breakup.   

Given all that went down while you were together, I am a bit shocked he wants to open that can of worms again.  But like I said, he's in this state of "longing" and obsessing so probably not thinking clearly.

Once you get back, unless both of you have done some major work on yourselves, mostly you since your insecurities and anxieties are what took this ship down, it's not going to work.

[Gaeta]

I just saw your last thread pop up and read it. 

I am also shocked he's back. You have serious work to do on yourself before you're ready to participate in a healthy relationship. You need to work on your paranoia and low self-esteem. It's impossible you got those under control since December. 

[Glx]

26 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That conversation you typed to us? That's nothing friendly. When he asked if you still thought of him you replied by *why you ask that* that is a rejection on your part. You cut the grass right under his feet. You should have replied the truth right there. 

Forget about the dating site. It means nothing. You're not a couple, he has all the rights to be there and I assure you he's there to keep distracted because a man does not bring flowers to an ex and risk being ridiculed if he's not serious about getting her back. 

I mostly wrote down what he said. During those 15 minutes I was smiling, friendly, thanked him a lot for flowers, told him that I liked them very much and they are so beautiful. Asked him about his mom, friends, university, how is he doing, even about his cats. Cheered him up when he said that things are not going well for him, and told him that I am sure he will get the best grades for his upcoming exams... and that I was happy to see him and happy to know he is ok. 

was not negative even a bit, never accused him of anything or got jealous

Edited February 3, 2021 by Glx

[Mrin]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I just saw your last thread pop up and read it. 

I am also shocked he's back. You have serious work to do on yourself before you're ready to participate in a healthy relationship. You need to work on your paranoia and low self-esteem. It's impossible you got those under control since December. 

^^^^ This. I just read the previous post too.

A couple of thoughts:

1. Ya we wants you back badly

2. You're in no state to get back with him. You need to do some personal development work on yourself. Start out with attachment theory. Maybe look at doing the Landmark Forum. I dunno. But I'd avoid relationships and maybe dating for a while. I don't mean this to be mean - we all have our stuff to work through. It is just kinder to go ahead and do it ourselves before getting into a relationship with someone else. 

[basil67]

I agree that if you want a second chance, you need to undo the "why are you saying all this?" question.    If you'd responded with "I miss you too" (assuming you do miss him), that would have been the green light he's waiting for.   But your comment was a red light. It's exactly how I'd shut down an ex who was hinting at getting back together.  

My idea is kind of inspired by the Pina Colada song, but why not swipe right on his dating profile and mention that you can speak French and are looking for your Napolean?

[Mrin]

33 minutes ago, Mrin said:

A couple of thoughts:

1. Ya we wants you back badly

*Ahem* HE wants you back badly

 

sorry about the typo

[Ruby Slippers]

I just took a look at your other thread, too. I think if y'all are going to try again, you need to talk to a counselor or somebody ongoing for a while, because the issues and arguments won't magically go away on their own. 

[StrongHands]

This reminds me of a song that I heard while in the car with my Mom...........so, I looked it up

"there's something wrong here there can be no denyin

one of us is changin or maybe we just stopped tryin 

and it's too late baby now it's too late"