Struggling with feeling not to be controlled

[ST81]

My husband and I have been married for 13 years and have an 11 year old daughter. We have had our ups and downs, I nearly separated from him last year due to his contolling and mentally/verbally abusive behaviour. He de-railed during the first lockdown due to coming off his antidepressant medication and his behaviour was so bad I left with our daughter. 

Since then he is back on meds and does see what is behaviour was like. I spent 4 months in therapy. We have done alot of repair work on our marriage and our daughter is much happier as she feels she has her dad back, as they were very close.

There are alot of mental and emotional scars though and still an imbalance on how much we both do day-to-day. I work full time from home- 40+ hours a week, helping with homeschooling and keeping the house (and try to exercise!). Hubby has to go to work, does 25 hours a week, does do our food shopping and cooks dinner most evenings. 

He respects my need to have a hour between work and non-work day to exercise or meet a friend for a walk outside.

He feels under pressure on time for us though which I know I am pushing against. The pressure he feels is a combination of our daughter older so up later, and generally we do not have so much time just the 2 of us as before our daughter would have an odd sleepover at grans or a friends house. 

The medication he is on doesn't help him with sex either, not his sex drive but he does have viagra pills from the dr. I know all these factors make him feel pressured. I don't pressure him, i know why he struggles sometimes and never say a word about it.

He like outfits and dressing up - or me to dress up specifically. At the weekend or an odd night through the week I can do that. It can be fun for sure. But he wants more of that. He gets agitated or irritated if i have a quiet evening watching tv.

We talked it through and agreed its about balance, to meet his needs and mine. I totally agree with that, we are both in this marriage. But i still desperately try not to feel controlled- aware its from times past where he has been extremely controlling on everything including our sex life. I'm all for balance, caring for him but can't stand the feeling of doing this as much as he wants or on his schedule and fighting the feeling of control and anxiety that goes with it.

Guess i'm looking for some help on if i'm over-reacting or being unreasonable?- I may well be! There is alot of history involved and to be fair i know if i "cater for him" he will be ok when i need a quieter evening. Sometimes after a long day i want my comfies on and watch tv!! And with him. 

[HappilyMarried]

I agree with what you are asking marriage is all about working together and striving to meet both partners needs and wants. I think if your husband would be willing to go MC or at least IC but I feel both would be good for him. Best of luck!🙂

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, ST81 said:

We talked it through and agreed its about balance, to meet his needs and mine.

Think that says it right there.

A quiet night of TV shouldn't be a problem/issue IMO. If it is, maybe there could be a "counter-balance" activity to "make up for it". HOWEVER, I honestly don't think that should be necessary. Think he needs to give a bit more leeway.

Maybe have a chat about spontaneity and how at least SOME of that is important to you on your side? Maybe he can accept some cuddling while watching TV (instead of other stuff)? Perhaps you can think of some other ways to moderate the "balance" so it's more equal/more reasonable.

[trident_2020]

3 hours ago, ST81 said:

He respects my need to have a hour between work and non-work day to exercise or meet a friend for a walk outside.

Geez how nice of him.

I bet you're constantly looking at that minute hand to make sure you don't get back late.

 

[ST81]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Think that says it right there.

A quiet night of TV shouldn't be a problem/issue IMO. If it is, maybe there could be a "counter-balance" activity to "make up for it". HOWEVER, I honestly don't think that should be necessary. Think he needs to give a bit more leeway.

Maybe have a chat about spontaneity and how at least SOME of that is important to you on your side? Maybe he can accept some cuddling while watching TV (instead of other stuff)? Perhaps you can think of some other ways to moderate the "balance" so it's more equal/more reasonable.

Thanks, I was hoping for a male view on this. There has been so many times in the past he has controlled everything and now to be fair he does recognize that past behaviour in how I respond now.

He is also well aware I will not be controlled again.

I want us to be there for each other and meet each others needs and wants but not on his schedule. Think another conversation is needed.

[ST81]

5 hours ago, HappilyMarried said:

I agree with what you are asking marriage is all about working together and striving to meet both partners needs and wants. I think if your husband would be willing to go MC or at least IC but I feel both would be good for him. Best of luck!🙂

I have been trying for almost a year to get him to go for IC, I think he would really benefit from it and in turn benefit us and our family. He will not go though, I think there is a fear factor but also know I cannot (and would not) force him 

[ST81]

2 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

Geez how nice of him.

I bet you're constantly looking at that minute hand to make sure you don't get back late.

 

Never once! I'm late he can deal with it....I meant there I am rarely more than an hour, any more wears me out! 

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely you have a right to some time alone and quiet time alone. I'm a part-time extrovert. If you were see me on my job or see me with friends, you would think I was a comfortable extrovert and I am ... except ... I also need that introvert's time alone, to recharge, to chill. I can't go from one activity to the next to the next and so on. I need breaks. 

Your husband needs to step up the latter to the next phase of marriage maturity. The phase when you stop wanting your partner to be just like you, and instead you look for ways for your partner to get what they want, not what you want. Your husband needs to move into that phase. He should be occasionally rubbing your shoulders when you chill (and then leave to give you some time alone). Sophisticated partners realize that giving you cushy time alone wins them brownie points. And irony of irony: over time this kind of giving actually becomes joyful in and of itself. Your time alone request seems minimal to me. One of my best friends treasures full weekends when her husband is out of town for work. Husband doesn't even call her when he's away (except for emergencies or she hasn't been feeling well) because he wants to allow his wife that time fully alone, and he doesn't need her holding his hand either. 

So heck no, you are not asking for too much. There is no such thing. You ask for what you think you need--all of it--and then and only then negotiate. But be careful. My ex was afraid of my alone time, and I swear I would go to the bookstore and at the two hour mark, the phone would ring. It would be her. "Are you avoiding me?" she would ask. And I would lie and "oh no." My point is there was something about being on a tight hook with my ex that undermined my ability to settle into my alone time. It's not nourishing alone time if you always feel this outside pressure. My ex knew I loved lots of time in bookstores, to write, to read, to browse, to drink coffee and I'd only do that once every two weeks or so. My point is this: make sure you are NOT apologizing for your time alone. 

On sex, yes some antidepressants weaken sexual desire and interest. Viagra is not the answer to that. Viagra is about maintaining an erection (or getting an erection) when you're in the middle of desire, hot desire. Viagra does not create sexual desire. it presumes desire and builds on desire. Sexual desire (libido) includes wanting to touch your partner, hug her, flirt with her--that's what certain antidepressants kill. Your husband can tell his doctor about this side effect, because there are a bunch of antidepressants that do NOT kill desire.  

Why did he go off his meds? That confuses me. That's something you need to keep a protective eye on--not as in being his mommy but as in recognizing when you're entering dangerous territory if he stops taking the meds again. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I wanted to add this: if you ever feel controlled, that almost always means somebody around you is controlling. We don't randomly feel controlled by people who aren't controlling. 

[ST81]

On 2/5/2021 at 12:15 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

Definitely you have a right to some time alone and quiet time alone. I'm a part-time extrovert. If you were see me on my job or see me with friends, you would think I was a comfortable extrovert and I am ... except ... I also need that introvert's time alone, to recharge, to chill. I can't go from one activity to the next to the next and so on. I need breaks. 

Your husband needs to step up the latter to the next phase of marriage maturity. The phase when you stop wanting your partner to be just like you, and instead you look for ways for your partner to get what they want, not what you want. Your husband needs to move into that phase. He should be occasionally rubbing your shoulders when you chill (and then leave to give you some time alone). Sophisticated partners realize that giving you cushy time alone wins them brownie points. And irony of irony: over time this kind of giving actually becomes joyful in and of itself. Your time alone request seems minimal to me. One of my best friends treasures full weekends when her husband is out of town for work. Husband doesn't even call her when he's away (except for emergencies or she hasn't been feeling well) because he wants to allow his wife that time fully alone, and he doesn't need her holding his hand either. 

So heck no, you are not asking for too much. There is no such thing. You ask for what you think you need--all of it--and then and only then negotiate. But be careful. My ex was afraid of my alone time, and I swear I would go to the bookstore and at the two hour mark, the phone would ring. It would be her. "Are you avoiding me?" she would ask. And I would lie and "oh no." My point is there was something about being on a tight hook with my ex that undermined my ability to settle into my alone time. It's not nourishing alone time if you always feel this outside pressure. My ex knew I loved lots of time in bookstores, to write, to read, to browse, to drink coffee and I'd only do that once every two weeks or so. My point is this: make sure you are NOT apologizing for your time alone. 

On sex, yes some antidepressants weaken sexual desire and interest. Viagra is not the answer to that. Viagra is about maintaining an erection (or getting an erection) when you're in the middle of desire, hot desire. Viagra does not create sexual desire. it presumes desire and builds on desire. Sexual desire (libido) includes wanting to touch your partner, hug her, flirt with her--that's what certain antidepressants kill. Your husband can tell his doctor about this side effect, because there are a bunch of antidepressants that do NOT kill desire.  

Why did he go off his meds? That confuses me. That's something you need to keep a protective eye on--not as in being his mommy but as in recognizing when you're entering dangerous territory if he stops taking the meds again. 

Hi thanks for feeding back, I certainly don't feel that having a quiet night is too much to ask for.

He decided to come off his meds in January 2020 and I asked him not to. He did speak to the dr who told him to step down to a lower dose for 3 months. So when he came off them totally he had just started a new job and was the start of lockdown - recipe for disaster!

He has told me now that he came off them because of how the meds affected his sex life. Though does see how much of a huge screw-up it was.

He has other side effects of the meds too such as very vivid dreams and I have said to speak to the dr about it, I know there are alternatives he could try but he won't do it. Similar to not going for IC.

[ST81]

On 2/5/2021 at 3:58 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

I wanted to add this: if you ever feel controlled, that almost always means somebody around you is controlling. We don't randomly feel controlled by people who aren't controlling. 

Yes totally agree. He is a very controlling and dominating person. Right now his depression has flared up and control seems to go along with that. It is being reigned in as I have told him I will not be controlled, though feels like an ongoing battle at times. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like for your own sanity and safety and your own happiness, you might want to start planning or imagining getting out of this relationship. Doing this type of thinking does NOT in my view, automatically take you out of the relationship. Some people feel guilty at the idea of planning or imagining what a life outside their marriage would be like. But I think the opposite is true. Creating an escape plan, as it were, can relax us, calm us, and allow us to experiment in a more relaxed way with making the relationship work. 

It's really hard to have compassion for someone with a condition when the person doesn't aggressively seek treatment for that condition. That's really hard. Ultimately that's what led me to leave my ex. I saw no effort on her part to deal with her borderline personality and the result was that she basically was asking me to absorb the brunt of that condition. It would have been a totally different story if I had seen her hustling and working to get help for the condition. There's another part: people with conditions need to take some responsibility to face how that condition affects their partner ... and to be ready to repair things when the condition causes problems. Or at least thank the paper for putting up with a flareup with the condition. 

It's a horrible and painful catch 22: people with some mental health conditions feel too stigmatized and too bad about themselves to aggressively seek treatment that would help them. Your guy ideally should be not just going to a GP but to a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist know meds inside out and have a wide knowledge of different meds and their side effects and protocols for changing meds with bad side effects for particular people. They make these changes in a snap. 

Sounds like you are more than reasonable and understanding ... just keep an eye on yourself here and your own feelings ... This guy, if he were sharp, would be plotting to do sweet things for you to partly compensate for going off meds and all of that. Going off meds at a time of quarantine ... basically going off psychiatric meds suddenly is 99 percent of the time an incredibly dumb idea. I have friends who went off meds, but in a planned systematic way. They worked with their doctors and gradually reduced the meds over time. One friend, I think, took two years to come off some antidepresants she went on after her husband died. She had come off of them abruptly once before and fell right back into depression. The second time she transitioned slowly ... and didn't fall back into depression. But both of these friends do not have shame (or paralyzing shame) about treatment or about depression.

Sounds like hubby is still lost in the shame of it.  Hang in there (not literally). Keep checking in with yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

Yes it's a recipe for disaster. However. You need to focus on getting yourself and your children away from this.

Stop trying to fix him. Stop wishing and hoping medications will stop the abuse (goings off them just exacerbates the abuse but does not cause it).

Talk to an attorney privately and confidentiality. Talk to trusted friends and family about this personal hell you are living in

Stop the band-aid fixes, focusing on irrelevant incidents. Step back and reflect on the big picture.