Keeping a big secret from love of my life. Should I tell him?

[Freedom Fries]

Hello Loveshack advisers,

I was recommended this site by a friend who says it's great for tough love and for kind love so here I am tempting my luck.

So I met my bf a few months ago. It's going great, he's perfect in every way bar none. It's the real thing, the kind of stuff people talk about in movies it's that great.

Except I've been hiding something for a while, and I don't know how to come clean.

I don't know how to cook that well.

I feel bad as I kind of told him that I was a big deal in the cooking department and that my friends always beg me to cook stuff for them coz my dishes are so good, but the truth is my friends have never done this. Like, ever.

He's always been so honest with me and we're always sharing our deepest, darkest secrets, like me being scared of monkeys or that one time when I realised I'd left the shop without paying for my bag of apples but only noticed when I arrived home (I called the shop to apologise, they were fine with it); he totally understood, which shows how kind he is.

It's his birthday soon and I think he's expecting me to cook him a 5-course meal, which I obviously can't do.

Should I tell him the truth or can I order from a top restaurant and let him think I made it all just this one time?

I really don't want to mess this relationship up, it's the best one I've ever had.

Thanks for any help

 

 

[mark clemson]

So far as secrets go, unless cooking is somehow really, really important to him, I don't think this one is really such a big deal, although perhaps it feels like one somehow.

At any rate, it's probably best you come clean now. Otherwise you'll have to try to "keep up the act" to maintain this facade, and then when that finally fails, you'll be faced with having to explain why you deceived him. Not worth the trouble.

If he really doesn't want to be with you over this issue, you're probably not compatible LT anyhow due to his (sub-cultural) expectations OR you'd have to learn how to cook via adult school classes or similar. While there are plenty of men who expect/strongly prefer that a woman be a good cook, there are also plenty out there who really don't care too much about it.

[josedelamuerte]

You know how sometimes someone could be raving about his mama's carrot cake - "oh, it's amazing, you HAVE to try it, you'll never be the same!" - and then you try it and it's just meh?

Make him some pasta and a salad or something simple like that. Even if it's not the best he's ever had, he'll most likely be polite about it, won't say anything, and just assume your friends are crazy.

And in the future, much better to be honest. Keeps you out of these types of scrapes.

[snowboy91]

He's going to find out sooner or later that you're not a great cook, so you best come clean sooner rather than later. As big lies go, something like this really isn't that big a deal.

My question is why you felt you had to lie about your cooking skills in the first place? 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, snowboy91 said:

My question is why you felt you had to lie about your cooking skills in the first place? 

Yes, I think the big secret isn’t that you can’t cook (who cares); it’s that you’re prone to lying.

[Ruby Slippers]

Why did you lie?

[poppyfields]

Freedom, I am a crap cook and I own it from the get go.  Never stopped a guy from wanting to date me.   Once in a RL, I do try though, took some classes and know how to make a few things.

The right guy is not gonna care, I promise you!

As for what to do now?   Come clean, tell him you're sorry, be honest and say you wanted to impress him.  It happens, both men and women do this, something this minor shouldn't be that big a deal, he may even think it's cute and be flattered you were trying to impress! 

Edited February 3, 2021 by poppyfields

[Freedom Fries]

Thanks for all the feedback, guys. @mark clemsonLiterally word for word what my dad said .

2 hours ago, josedelamuerte said:

You know how sometimes someone could be raving about his mama's carrot cake - "oh, it's amazing, you HAVE to try it, you'll never be the same!" - and then you try it and it's just meh?

Make him some pasta and a salad or something simple like that. Even if it's not the best he's ever had, he'll most likely be polite about it, won't say anything, and just assume your friends are crazy.

And in the future, much better to be honest. Keeps you out of these types of scrapes.

Your advice makes sense and I really appreciate your input, of course honesty is the best policy, but I got to ask: why put carrots in a cake? I wonder if it's a cultural difference? English isn't my native language tho, so I may have misunderstood .

1 hour ago, snowboy91 said:

My question is why you felt you had to lie about your cooking skills in the first place? 

In my culture, everyone is a good cook. I assumed that he assumed that I was too. Does that make sense?

25 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes, I think the big secret isn’t that you can’t cook (who cares); it’s that you’re prone to lying.

I liked your post coz I didn't want to make you feel left out, but I think that's pretty harsh. I did pretend to be a good cook, and I did tell bf's mum that I liked the scarf she knitted for me for Christmas even though I really didn't, but I wouldn't say I'm prone to lying. I don't think making assumptions like this is very helpful to my situation.

So the menu I had originally planned for his bday:

- Vietnamese spring rolls served with a fresh crab salad for starters

- boeuf bourguignon with pommes de terre dauphinoises (or maybe homemade mash, not sure yet)

- homemade lemon tart.

Yes, I know, not so spectacular....Any suggestions welcome!

[Freedom Fries]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Freedom, I am a crap cook and I own it from the get go.  Never stopped a guy from wanting to date me.   Once in a RL, I do try though, took some classes and know how to make a few things.

The right guy is not gonna care, I promise you!

As for what to do now?   Come clean, tell him you're sorry, be honest and say you wanted impress him.  It happens, both men and women do this, something this minor shouldn't be that big a deal, he may even think it's cute! 

Awww thank you poppyfields. That made me feel so much better

[Ruby Slippers]

If you really can't cook, tell him the truth, laugh it off, and order him a nice meal. Or at least have a backup option ready in case your meal doesn't turn out.

You may be overdramatizing this. I love to cook and am pretty good at it, but even when I was just learning how to cook, most men didn't expect gourmet quality and were appreciative of a decent meal.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Freedom Fries said:

So the menu I had originally planned for his bday:

- Vietnamese spring rolls served with a fresh crab salad for starters

- boeuf bourguignon with pommes de terre dauphinoises (or maybe homemade mash, not sure yet)

- homemade lemon tart.

Yes, I know, not so spectacular....Any suggestions welcome!

Damn, I think that's pretty spectacular!  Can you make all this?  Nevermind telling him you lied, obviously you can cook!  Just leave it, don't say a word.

Have fun!

[lana-banana]

40 minutes ago, Freedom Fries said:

So the menu I had originally planned for his bday:

- Vietnamese spring rolls served with a fresh crab salad for starters

- boeuf bourguignon with pommes de terre dauphinoises (or maybe homemade mash, not sure yet)

- homemade lemon tart.

Yes, I know, not so spectacular....Any suggestions welcome!

This sounds like a great meal and easy enough to do in advance, but if you aren't comfortable with your cooking skills I wouldn't attempt pommes dauphine.  Anyway, pair it with a nice muscadet to start and a 375mL of Bordeaux and you're set.

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

Anyway, pair it with a nice muscadet to start and a 375mL of Bordeaux and you're set.

  

And don't forget the candles!

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Freedom Fries said:

 @mark clemsonLiterally word for word what my dad said .

"Great minds think alike..."

[DKT3]

Who's to say its a lie?

Cook something and tell him you think it tastes great, that means in your opinion you are a great cook.

Not everyone's cooking is for everyone else.  Went to a 5 star restaurant and the food was horrible.  I thought the chief was chit. $568.43 worth of chit.

I'm slightly joking, but not to minimize your fears, I somehow think this will not be much in the way of a deal breaker 

Edited February 4, 2021 by DKT3

[World Peace Guy]

He is not "perfect in every way bar none" if he is not understanding. That's one of the most important things. So if he really is "perfect in every way bar none", he'll understand. Otherwise, he's not so perfect as you think he is. Even so, you might want to let him down slowly. Tell him first that you exaggerated on how good a cook you are,and leave it at that for a while.

[Freedom Fries]

7 hours ago, lana-banana said:

This sounds like a great meal and easy enough to do in advance, but if you aren't comfortable with your cooking skills I wouldn't attempt pommes dauphine. 

Nope! Sticking to dauphinoises on the day; he's not so keen on fried stuff.

Bordeaux defo a must, though.

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

And don't forget the candles!

Good idea! Will order some scented ones right away.

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I'm slightly joking, but not to minimize your fears, I somehow think this will not be much in the way of a deal breaker 

Thank you for not trying to minimise my fears, I really appreciate it.

1 hour ago, World Peace Guy said:

Tell him first that you exaggerated on how good a cook you are,and leave it at that for a while.

Well, he is perfect in every way but of course it's best to get him mentally prepared before the meal first. I'll burn his toasts accidentally on purpose tomorrow morning. Hope that's enough to start the conversation.

Or I'll say nothing and let the chips fall where they may on the day. Will see how it goes.

Thank you all so much for the advice! Best website ever.

Edited February 4, 2021 by Freedom Fries

[josedelamuerte]

8 hours ago, Freedom Fries said:

why put carrots in a cake? I wonder if it's a cultural difference? English isn't my native language tho, so I may have misunderstood .

Yup, carrots - those orange sticks that Bugs Bunny eats. I never quite got the point of making a cake out of them either. Some people are crazy about them, though.

From the menu you listed it sounds like you're not completely clueless in the kitchen. My point was - seeing as how taste is subjective - you can just decide that whatever you're cooking is delicious.

And I'll second the wine bit. After a glass or two most guys would be more receptive to anything.

[Freedom Fries]

1 hour ago, josedelamuerte said:

My point was - seeing as how taste is subjective - you can just decide that whatever you're cooking is delicious.

I got your point .

I already know he loves boeuf bourguignon and vietnamese food so not taking crazy risks here. Would be pointless of me cooking a meal he won't enjoy on his bday! 

[elaine567]

Problem with choosing to cook his favourite, is that he will have a very decided idea of what makes a good boeuf bourguignon and what it is meant to taste like. He will be like an expert on boeuf bourguignon...

[Freedom Fries]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Problem with choosing to cook his favourite, is that he will have a very decided idea of what makes a good boeuf bourguignon and what it is meant to taste like. He will be like an expert on boeuf bourguignon...

He's quite forgiving, easy going and unfussy in general so I don't think he'll be the type to make a scene coz the sauce isn't right or something. If it all goes pear-shaped, we'll order pizza and watch Netflix cuddled up on the sofa, no sweat!

[lana-banana]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Problem with choosing to cook his favourite, is that he will have a very decided idea of what makes a good boeuf bourguignon and what it is meant to taste like. He will be like an expert on boeuf bourguignon...

Oh, come on. If someone tries to cook your favorite food you don't nitpick over it---it's the thought that counts. Besides, all the dishes she's making are very easy. She'll be fine, and he'll be very appreciative.

Edited February 4, 2021 by lana-banana

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Freedom Fries said:

@mark clemson

....Any suggestions welcome!

Wear the nicest sexist outfit you have and if he's still just interested in your cooking skills, dump him.

[d0nnivain]

Cooking isn't that hard.  It's a skill like any other.  You can learn.

It's bad that you lied / exaggerated but you may be able to bluff your way through.   Buy yourself a vertical roaster.  You can get one on Amazon.  Buy a chicken.  Take out the guts etcs.  Pat the chicken dry & impale it on the vertical roaster.  Put some salt & pepper on the chicken & cook it in a 350F / 175C  over for about 2 hours until the juices run clear if you pierce it with a knife (make the cut where the leg meets the body of the chicken).  Add a baked potato or mashed potatoes if you are feeling brave & some canned vegetable.  Viola -- you have a great easy meal. 

The menu that you planned seems waaaaaayyyyyyy to complex.  The dough / wrapper needed to make the spring rolls is quite delicate & not for a novice. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

Oh, come on. If someone tries to cook your favorite food you don't nitpick over it---it's the thought that counts. Besides, all the dishes she's making are very easy. She'll be fine, and he'll be very appreciative.

All great had she not oversold her skills.
He will be looking for something special, in the same way I would if some guy told me he was a spectacular cook.
This guy may be fine with the truth about her cooking skills, or he may not.
I guess few would be openly hostile over the quality of the food, but that isn't the real problem.
Lying is the big problem, it is a big deal to some.
if she can lie so casually about something like her cooking skills, what else can she lie about?
That may be his line of thinking going forward.