I think I know the answer but don't want to admit it.

[foolmetwice88]

8 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Yes..

 

Unless you like your wife f’in other guys. She has proven that she is a once a cheater always a cheater. 
 

What made you stay after the first affair?

 

What did she do to prove she would be faithful after the first?

 

I guess she lied her azz off about never doing it again. 
 

The thing to do is to expose the affair to everyone in your family and hers. Tell your close friends as well. Read up on and do the 180. This will help you to focus on healing. 
 

Then file for divorce, your marriage is over. 

Yeah, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust her again, and she has made little to no effort to show any heart-felt remorse or wrong-doing. 

After the first affair, I stayed because I thought it was circumstantial due to the move and that we could move past it through counseling. Being stuck together in the house during our states covid 'lockdown' helped us immensely. We were almost forced to face the affair head-on and we did, things seemed to be much better for the past 6-8 months. She seemed genuinely happy, our sex life was better than it had ever been, we were communicating... but that all went by the wayside when she started this second affair in November. 

I've looked into the 180 and it makes complete sense to begin implementing those ideas asap. 

[foolmetwice88]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I don't think you need to be wondering.

Any clues as to why her first marriage ended?

I think you feel in love with the wrong woman. Happens.

I would suggest not having any kids with her, as that will complicate matters. People can reform, but I doubt she wants to. Not yet anyhow. Affairs are "exciting".

If it was me, I'd walk away...

I've been told that her first marriage ended because her ex-husband claimed he was 'no longer in love with her', but now I wonder if that's even true.. 

Luckily, we do not have any kids. Just a house a few dogs. 

[foolmetwice88]

9 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Mark nailed it...what was the deal in her first marriage.  If it were me I would be out. If you are even considering a third go I would definitely contact her ex husband.  If she cheated there, its likely what you will deal with the entire relationship,  as long as it lasts. Also, I would imagine you've only caught her twice.

At this point, if we are being honest,  either your wife doesn't really care about you (forget that lonely stuff, since her first affair happened with her family close) or she sees you are weak, someone that will put up with whatever she does.

Also forget about what's best for her...start thinking in terms of what's best for you...its clearly how she operates. 

True, it leads me to wonder if there are potentially more affairs that I simply just don't know about and it would be hard to live with that forever wondering. 

I agree that I need to start looking out for my best interests, I've put so much into our marriage over the past 5+ years that it's hard to simply stop focusing on that

[Uruktopi]

14 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

 This doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

With such definition of "love" I would choose her to give me something more like a good old fashioned and less ambiguous hate.

[pepperbird2]

13 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

It's too soon for MC, the reason is that very few are trained to deal with infidelity and will skip that and try to deal with 'marriage' problems, indeed you may find yourself being blamed. 

Ideally you both need individual therapy but minimal your wife needs IC to figure out her ways and not just the surface ones. You also need to take the time to consider your options, decide what information you need from her and also consult a lawyer to get a realistic view of what a divorce would look like. 

If your wife is looking to reconcile she'll give you the information you need but you don't need to commit to anything right now. 

This is excellent advice.
Seeing a lawyer, getting some counselling for yourself and learning as much as you can is really important right now, as many people, myself included, who have been in your shoes can attest.
The reason this matters so much is because the more information you have, the better decisions you can make. If you decide to reconcile, as did I, it will be coming from an informed position. It will be because it's what you relay want, not just because you feel you have no other options. I know this may sound odd, but should you decide staying together is what;s right for you, your wife will know that you did a lot of soul searching/information gathering  and you reconciled because it's what you really want.


 

[pepperbird2]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Yeah, I’m sorry to say that a woman who has multiple affairs with multiple men is not committed to the marriage. 

You will really need to plan accordingly. Still, it’s hard to let go of the fantasy, that became reality, if only for a while...

This!
Some people are not cut out for monogamy. It doesn't make her a bad person, just bad marriage material if what the OP  wants is fidelity.

[Starswillshine]

Your wife saw your pain after her first affair.... 

And thought so little of you/the pain that she decided it was worth doing again.

That is all you need to know. This is what damaged me with my husbad"@ affair. When he saw the pain and hurt in my eyes... what it did to me... it should have absolutely been enough to end everything. When it wasn't, i walked. I can try to move past when he was ignorant to the amount of pain it would cause. But when he had a front row seat... and basically just pulled down his pants and took a big ole heaping dump on it, that is when I knew I was out. 

[usa1ah]

1 hour ago, foolmetwice88 said:

Thank you. 

Yeah that makes sense, I didn't cheat when we were apart as it was only for two weeks and I respect the boundaries of our marriage and am a committed person.. she quickly moved as soon as I left. 

I agree, just a hard pill to swallow.  

I am sorry this has happened. I am glad that you are actually seeing some truth. When someone shows you who they are, it is hard to believe with your own eyes. 

[usa1ah]

1 hour ago, foolmetwice88 said:

I've been told that her first marriage ended because her ex-husband claimed he was 'no longer in love with her', but now I wonder if that's even true.. 

Luckily, we do not have any kids. Just a house a few dogs. 

It could very well be true if she had been cheating on him. 

[usa1ah]

1 hour ago, foolmetwice88 said:

True, it leads me to wonder if there are potentially more affairs that I simply just don't know about and it would be hard to live with that forever wondering. 

I agree that I need to start looking out for my best interests, I've put so much into our marriage over the past 5+ years that it's hard to simply stop focusing on that

Read The 180. It will help change your focus. 

[notbroken]

Your wife is a serial cheater.  Your self esteem will suffer in ways you can't imagine if you don't do what you know deep down is right (divorce).   You shouldn't stay with someone you can't trust.   You can't trust her.  Honestly, you never will.   This will always be in the back of your mind (or the front).  Divorce her.   Kids will make it even worse.  Do it NOW.   I'm sorry. 

[Bryanp]

I do hope the both of you have been getting tested for STD's.

I have to ask you that if the roles were reversed and you engaged in two sexual affairs behind her back putting her life at risk for STD's; and then responding to her that you don't know why you keep screwing other women what do you think her response would be? Do you think that she would be so accepting and forgiving as you have been?

Someone made an excellent point here. After having the first 8 month affair and seeing the hell she put you through, she then jumps into another sexual affair?

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions clearly show you that she has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself, then who will?

When a person shows you who they are, believe them.

[foolmetwice88]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Your wife saw your pain after her first affair.... 

And thought so little of you/the pain that she decided it was worth doing again.

That is all you need to know. This is what damaged me with my husbad"@ affair. When he saw the pain and hurt in my eyes... what it did to me... it should have absolutely been enough to end everything. When it wasn't, i walked. I can try to move past when he was ignorant to the amount of pain it would cause. But when he had a front row seat... and basically just pulled down his pants and took a big ole heaping dump on it, that is when I knew I was out. 

True, I definitely let the pain she caused be known on multiple occasions. It's very hard to accept that someone you loved and cared for would do that to you multiple times. It's a very surreal state to watch your life change so dramatically in such a short amount of time. 

[foolmetwice88]

50 minutes ago, Bryanp said:

I do hope the both of you have been getting tested for STD's.

I have to ask you that if the roles were reversed and you engaged in two sexual affairs behind her back putting her life at risk for STD's; and then responding to her that you don't know why you keep screwing other women what do you think her response would be? Do you think that she would be so accepting and forgiving as you have been?

Someone made an excellent point here. After having the first 8 month affair and seeing the hell she put you through, she then jumps into another sexual affair?

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions clearly show you that she has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself, then who will?

When a person shows you who they are, believe them.

To simply answer your question, no. I don't believe she would have been so forgiving as I have been. 

I've heard that multiple times here, that she obviously doesn't respect me or our marriage, so it must be time to move on for my own self preservation. 

Thanks for your input

[foolmetwice88]

So, as it turns out, she's already reaching out to her old employer about getting old job back and going back to city #2. 

I just uncovered affair #2 a few days ago, and it seems like she's already packing her things to leave... 

[usa1ah]

Damn, she really is heartless. 
 

At least you have your answer man. I would inform both of your families and close friends what she has done and planning to do. 

[usa1ah]

Protect yourself. Remove half of the savings and checking from any joint account. Make sure she doesn’t leave you high and dry. 
 

Same with any joint credit cards, cancel them all so she can’t run up the debt on them. 
 

Also put a freeze on your credit so she can’t take out a card in your name. 

Edited February 4, 2021 by usa1ah

[foolmetwice88]

8 minutes ago, usa1ah said:

Protect yourself. Remove half of the savings and checking from any joint account. Make sure she doesn’t leave you high and dry. 
 

Same with any joint credit cards, cancel them all so she can’t run up the debt on them. 
 

Also put a freeze on your credit so she can’t take out a card in your name. 

We have separate bank accounts, we've never had any of them joint... I'm assuming I'm okay/safe in that regard then??

[trident_2020]

Depends on how nasty things get.

One spouse can always file a petition with the court to freeze all assets with a restraining order pursuant to divorce.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, your wife's cheating is not your fault. Now, some marriage counselors would say that affairs often occur when there is a MAJOR overlooked, ignored problem with the marriage. My bet is that you are passive and she's a confident cheater. Look any combination with "confident cheater" in the mix is going to be a bad marriage.

But where you are at fault is in protecting yourself. The only way a marriage like this can survive is if you are in rage for months. And I don't mean violence. But you are fit to be tied. If you don't walk out, the only other response is righteous anger at being betrayed. The righteous anger is our emotional protection, and it tells the other person what behavior we will and will not accept.

You're trying to skip the anger and go towards forgiveness. Dude, that doesn't work. Your bond will be paper thin. You guys have to rebuild the bond from the ground up, so much so that frankly you have to create a new relationship.

Get out. Google divorce lawyers in your area. Many divorce lawyers offer free consultations where you introduce yourself and your situation. You need to take some action. Call and schedule a meeting. You will feel better taking this action. Your thinking will get more confident. The divorce lawyers won't try to rush you or anything. They actually just try to understand your situation so they can tell you what role they can play. BTW: good divorce lawyers are also forensic psychologists in their own right, though they don't always dispense advice. But in meeting a lawyer, you'll get a sense of other cases of people in your exact situation. You'll feel less alone and less put upon.

And get to therapy to figure out how you lost the capacity for anger when you have been betrayed, how you lost or never developed the capacity to defend yourself and protect yourself, stand up for yourself. 

And look, I didn't want to say this. But your cheating wife, your compulsive cheating wife, it is likely she assessed you early on, she figured out early on--doesn't have to have been conscious, but she figured it out just the same--that she could cheat on you with impunity.  You unwittingly sent those signals to her. And she's right, right? 

So, one goal of therapy is to change enough so that you do not send "cheat on me" signals to the next scamming woman out there. I used to send signals "crazy people, come to me." And I attracted a doozy of a partner. Painful but so liberating to go back and see the ways I didn't stand up for myself and to begin to practice doing so. 

Much joy is ahead---as long you get out and get some counseling that strengthens you to stay away from people like this in the future. 

 

 

[foolmetwice88]

27 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, your wife's cheating is not your fault. Now, some marriage counselors would say that affairs often occur when there is a MAJOR overlooked, ignored problem with the marriage. My bet is that you are passive and she's a confident cheater. Look any combination with "confident cheater" in the mix is going to be a bad marriage.

But where you are at fault is in protecting yourself. The only way a marriage like this can survive is if you are in rage for months. And I don't mean violence. But you are fit to be tied. If you don't walk out, the only other response is righteous anger at being betrayed. The righteous anger is our emotional protection, and it tells the other person what behavior we will and will not accept.

You're trying to skip the anger and go towards forgiveness. Dude, that doesn't work. Your bond will be paper thin. You guys have to rebuild the bond from the ground up, so much so that frankly you have to create a new relationship.

Get out. Google divorce lawyers in your area. Many divorce lawyers offer free consultations where you introduce yourself and your situation. You need to take some action. Call and schedule a meeting. You will feel better taking this action. Your thinking will get more confident. The divorce lawyers won't try to rush you or anything. They actually just try to understand your situation so they can tell you what role they can play. BTW: good divorce lawyers are also forensic psychologists in their own right, though they don't always dispense advice. But in meeting a lawyer, you'll get a sense of other cases of people in your exact situation. You'll feel less alone and less put upon.

And get to therapy to figure out how you lost the capacity for anger when you have been betrayed, how you lost or never developed the capacity to defend yourself and protect yourself, stand up for yourself. 

And look, I didn't want to say this. But your cheating wife, your compulsive cheating wife, it is likely she assessed you early on, she figured out early on--doesn't have to have been conscious, but she figured it out just the same--that she could cheat on you with impunity.  You unwittingly sent those signals to her. And she's right, right? 

So, one goal of therapy is to change enough so that you do not send "cheat on me" signals to the next scamming woman out there. I used to send signals "crazy people, come to me." And I attracted a doozy of a partner. Painful but so liberating to go back and see the ways I didn't stand up for myself and to begin to practice doing so. 

Much joy is ahead---as long you get out and get some counseling that strengthens you to stay away from people like this in the future. 

 

 

I appreciate your non BS approach to this and think you made some good points. I certainly don't want to come off as weak or that an unfaithful spouse will go unpunished/ignored. After her first affair, I had plenty of rage. I'm not sure what the difference exactly is this time, maybe I'm just over it? I don't forgive her for it, at all - and I haven't forgiven her for the first affair. 

Interesting to say that she assessed me and realized she could get away with it - that puts a whole new spin on the thought process. 

You've given me a lot to think about, in a good way. Thanks for your post and support.

[Buffer]

Brother for a innate reason your STBX doesn't want to be in a monogamous committed relationship.

She is flawed in a way that she has to be in the romance part of the relationship and can't move into the long term.

Nothing of her actions are on you. Get tested and let every one know that she is a cheater. You don't need her permission. Also let her potential new employer know that she was in a sexual romantic relationship with her boss the last time she was there. You don't need her permission to do any of this.

Have a deep conversation with a good lawyer and find out your rights and her responsibilities. This is Not about her this about you and your recovery. Start the hard 180 know. Stop engaging with her about everything, no Pick Me stuff. She is gone and will only come back when the Karma bus hits.

One day at a time.

Buffer 

[Crazelnut]

3 hours ago, foolmetwice88 said:

We have separate bank accounts, we've never had any of them joint... I'm assuming I'm okay/safe in that regard then??

This depends entirely on marital property laws where you live. In some places, joint accounts are treated as joint property. You need to see a lawyer ASAP. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, on bank stuff, that's why you want to get to a divorce lawyer asap. They'll tell you the basic steps you need to take so you don't get money-abused on the way of getting out of this emotional abuse of a marriage. State laws are different, so you want to get to a lawyer in your state for the real skinny. 

 

[SRCSRC]

My guess is that you are still young.  The fact that your wife divorced early in her first marriage and now has cheated on you twice in your short marriage says it all.  I strongly suspect she cheated in her first marriage.  Get into IC with someone who specializes in infidelity.  Do you honestly believe she will never cheat on you again?  You are in La La land if you believe that.  Now, if you don't mind her cheating, stay with her.  She will eventually get pregnant and you will have to wonder if the child is yours.  You will regret reconciling with her.  She is broken.  Maybe some day she will wise up, but not until she suffers real consequences such as multiple divorces and reaching middle age without a solid partner.