Mrin Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 Let her go be some other guy's problem. She is a serial philanderer and should not be in a closed relationship. Ever Link to post Share on other sites
MickeyBill Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 (edited) She has been cheating for at least 20-25% of your marriage. And like drunk drivers and bank robbers, cheaters usually are not caught every time they drive drunk, rob a bank or f*** another person. Run, Forrest, run! Edited February 5, 2021 by MickeyBill typo Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 5 minutes ago, MickeyBill said: cheaters usually are not caught every time they drive drunk, rob a bank or f*** another person. What makes you think cheaters drive drunk and rob banks? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 She’s a serial cheater. If you stay with her this will be your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foolmetwice88 Posted February 5, 2021 Author Share Posted February 5, 2021 We had quite the lengthy discussion last night. I was past all the yelling and betrayal and told her that our marriage has run its course and cannot be saved, nor do either of us show any interest in saving it and that she is not the same person I fell in love with and married almost 5 years ago. It was crazy how the script flipped at that point and the mood turned to extreme sadness. Regardless of her recent cheating, she was my best friend and the person I relied on, trusted (past-tense), and shared the past 5+ years of my life with. Not to mention we've been friends for so long, that it's going to be very hard to let that aspect go as well - we have such a long history that coming to the decision to erase that person out of my life is very hard regardless of how the past 18 months played out. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ctdans Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 BTW did you go to the Doctors yet to get tested for any STD's? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 16 hours ago, trident_2020 said: What makes you think cheaters drive drunk and rob banks? It's a comparison. Poster is saying that people who get caught driving drunk have done it multiple times, but only got caught the 1 time. Ditto bank robbers. Multiple robberies, 1 arrest. Ditto serial cheaters. Multiple cheating, caught only once. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 It is going to hurt man. I does get better. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 Did she try to defend herself? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 6, 2021 Share Posted February 6, 2021 On 2/3/2021 at 5:31 PM, foolmetwice88 said: the second affair leaves me wondering where we go. Unfortunately you are not compatible. Did she admit to these affairs?. Get an attorney to start dissolving this marriage. That way she can stay in that city and be single and you'll be free of these headaches and heartaches. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foolmetwice88 Posted February 6, 2021 Author Share Posted February 6, 2021 18 hours ago, usa1ah said: Did she try to defend herself? No, not really. After I confronted her about it she admitted that it happened and that she is a terrible person... it's almost like she was just waiting for me to ask for a divorce. And now that I did, she's seemed very sad.. It is what it is at this point, I'm looking to move on - probably move to a new state and 'start over'. 3 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 7, 2021 Share Posted February 7, 2021 (edited) Cake eaters are sad when you take their cake away. Edited February 7, 2021 by Marc878 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 7, 2021 Share Posted February 7, 2021 5 hours ago, foolmetwice88 said: No, not really. After I confronted her about it she admitted that it happened and that she is a terrible person... it's almost like she was just waiting for me to ask for a divorce. And now that I did, she's seemed very sad.. It is what it is at this point, I'm looking to move on - probably move to a new state and 'start over'. We are here for you when ever you need just talk. I am glad for one thing, you found this out now and not 10-15 years from now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author foolmetwice88 Posted February 7, 2021 Author Share Posted February 7, 2021 17 hours ago, usa1ah said: We are here for you when ever you need just talk. Much appreciated - this forum has already helped more than the contributors will ever know. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted February 7, 2021 Share Posted February 7, 2021 (edited) On 2/4/2021 at 8:21 AM, foolmetwice88 said: Thank you. Yeah that makes sense, I didn't cheat when we were apart as it was only for two weeks and I respect the boundaries of our marriage and am a committed person.. she quickly moved as soon as I left. I agree, just a hard pill to swallow. If it's any conciliation, this is more about a defect in her than in you. Remember that (esp in your darker moments of reflection). Edited February 7, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel the > your 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tempocontour Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 Sounds like you never gave her any consequences for her cheating. You never told her to leave, you didn't tell any of your and her family and friends of her cheating. You forgave her too soon. Yes, you yelled at her but it seem like that was it. She never got "punished". Anyway, good for you for telling her that you're moving forward without her. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 On 2/6/2021 at 9:28 PM, foolmetwice88 said: No, not really. After I confronted her about it she admitted that it happened and that she is a terrible person... it's almost like she was just waiting for me to ask for a divorce. And now that I did, she's seemed very sad.. Bingo. This woman wanted out of the marriage. Yes, she will miss some aspects of your relationship together but it's quite clear she was on her way out the door and didn't (yet) have the guts to pull the plug herself. The end was coming, though. In time, you will see that you saved yourself a lot more pain had you foolishly chosen to waste time and money on marriage counselling with her. She was already done and almost certainly would have cheated again. Marriage counselling would have been useless here. You will be okay, OP. I'm sorry you're going through this but you will come out on top. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pottering About Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 In some ways OP, glad you can at least move on now. It sounds like, with hindsight, you would have been much better off staying as just friends. Do you think you will be able to rekindle that friendship (not reconciliation) in the future without the pressures of marriage or a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author foolmetwice88 Posted February 8, 2021 Author Share Posted February 8, 2021 3 hours ago, Pottering About said: In some ways OP, glad you can at least move on now. It sounds like, with hindsight, you would have been much better off staying as just friends. Do you think you will be able to rekindle that friendship (not reconciliation) in the future without the pressures of marriage or a relationship? Yeah true, I know down the road looking back I'll probably have wished I had moved forward sooner, but live and learn. I hadn't really spent much time thinking about any sort of future friendship... but I wouldn't doubt our ability to stay friends just given our long history. Obviously the dynamic would just be very different. Both of us didn't want kids, but we have two dogs that are like family to us. At the very least we will stay in touch to let each other know how the other dog is doing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 (edited) No, please don't try to stay friends and stay in touch. You need time to make a complete emotional break with her. You can't do that if you're checking in & being friends. It just drags out your own healing. Don't even think about it for at least a year after your divorce. Edited February 8, 2021 by Crazelnut 1 Link to post Share on other sites
colingrant Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 (edited) On 2/6/2021 at 3:28 PM, foolmetwice88 said: No, not really. After I confronted her about it she admitted that it happened and that she is a terrible person... it's almost like she was just waiting for me to ask for a divorce. And now that I did, she's seemed very sad.. It is what it is at this point, I'm looking to move on - probably move to a new state and 'start over'. In the future, don't ask but tell her you're divorcing. You don't need her permission. Yes, it's easier but exercise your right to decide whether she agrees, hesitates or not. Not up to her. Sorry to hear about this, but you're doing the right thing despite the pain. It gets better, but I can't express enough how important it is to take command of your life as you are. Edited February 8, 2021 by colingrant Link to post Share on other sites
TooLateNow Posted February 8, 2021 Share Posted February 8, 2021 I can see why she would want to be “friends” with you. It allows her to minimize or justify her misdeeds to herself and others. If you are still her “friend,” she will claim that what she did must not have been too bad. If you remain her “friend” after what she did to you she can claim you must not be all that hurt. But why would you want to be her friend? As they say, with friends like that, who needs enemies. She does not even seem to be truly sorry let alone remorseful. I do not think you should let her off the hook that easily. I know this may sound a little odd coming from me since I reconciled with my wife who, at least in my opinion, was way worse than yours. However, ultimately I did not let my wife off the hook. It was not until I held her feet to the fire that she realized the severity of what she had done and was able to change herself for the better. I get that you loved your wife and invested a lot in the relationship. However, if you really want to help, do not let her off too easily. It honestly will be better for her in the long run if she is forced to truly examine herself and come to terms with and correct what it is inside of her that allows her to act abominably. I am not suggesting that you should be mean or cruel, but for her own good and yours as well, do not act like all is well and she is your “friend,” at least not at this point. If somewhere years down the road she truly changes and becomes sincerely remorseful and offers a heartfelt apology maybe consider it. For now, it is too soon and will not be good for either of you. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappilyMarried Posted February 9, 2021 Share Posted February 9, 2021 Just curious @foolmetwice88this thread is on its 3rd page and I haven't really seen you write anything of why she has been so cruel to you and your marriage. I would she would at least care enough to give you an explanation of how each affair came about and what drove her to have it especially the 2nd one. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 10, 2021 Share Posted February 10, 2021 (edited) You're new to this situation, and it can be helpfu,l when you get opposite sounding recommendations that all sound reasonable, to look back at posters' previous posts to know which aspect of infidelity they've experienced. What's "moralistic" to one might be a recommendation from somebody else based on experience. What is probably the most useful is help in predicting whether she'll do it again to you. Yes, therapy can help you learn how to talk to each other, but you're not really ready for that until you get some answers as to why she's done this. That will help you think about the likelihood of her doing it again in the future. More than anyone, she needs to know why she did it, and that might not be a quick fix in marriage therapy. You seem confused right now, so you need to also get clear on your feelings. DOn't bury them. Edited February 10, 2021 by merrmeade Link to post Share on other sites
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