Update on NC - 'he went back to his wife after a year together'

[Beca L]

Hello,

Well it's a year since I first posted on this site and what a year it's been, thought I'd just update you as to how things are with me. You will be pleased to hear that I'm still in NC and apart from a small blip last June I have managed to remain in NC since then. XMM's brother died suddenly last June and I reached out to offer condolences, ( I had met his brother and his family and spent a long weekend with them plus they were very close) maybe I shouldn't have but that's me and it would have felt wrong not to. I realised after having coffee with him that it had set me back big time and that I really hadn't made any progress but I managed to go back to NC and I've stuck to it since then. XMM doesn't contact me at all so I guess that helps. As you know we work in the same school and last term we were in school, so as you can imagine it was extremely tough seeing him again but wearing a mask helps and if i came across him anywhere in school I would just look away and walk right past. It really is a killer, I was deeply in love with him and we were planning our future together so it still stings big time. I often see him in the car park or by the shop outside school and we on occasion have to walk past each other, so its really painful but I have to remember how this person treated me and they really don't deserve me anymore. I know many of you recommended that I find a new job if I really want to move on and it's great advise however with a global pandemic going on atm it's not ideal trying to find a new job. My plan is to start looking before the summer term ends and hopefully have something new by the autumn. 

Someone asked me yesterday how I've moved on and healed. I'd love to say that I have but if I'm completely honest with myself it's been more about accepting and getting used to my life without him. Time does help and I would say my progress is very slow, I often wonder if I will ever be really free of thoughts of him and regrets. I'm still single and no plans at all to date, maybe I won't fully be able to put him behind me until a find love again. A friend from this site said that affairs are notoriously hard to get over and I think those of you on this site who have been the OW or OM can attest to that. My experience was unique in that he did actually leave and start divorce proceedings, they had sold the family home and we were buying a place together. We were together, a couple for over a year and then it ended just like that with no warning, no arguments, nothing. It came out of the blue and I think it didn't go through the natural stages that a normal relationship does before it ends so I guess this is why I'm still struggling. It's like he died yet he didn't and I still have to see him regularly. Anyway the for those of you who are going through something similar hang in and keep going. You do deserve better and even if you are going to be on your own it is better than the life of an OW.

The things that have helped over the last year are : this site and the advise you wonderful people gave me and you truly opened my eyes to what was really going on and I saw xmm in a different light. Friends that I met on this site, you know who you are, who email regularly and we support and help each other. My family and my children, taking care of them and knowing that they love me and it helps me to remember what real love is. A friend from this site recommended the website 'Natashaadamo.com' which is amazing !!! Natasha is a truly wonderful soul who has inspiring blogs and advise and coaching. I also follow her on insta and she replies to my messages and even sends me voice messages, she is my hero and saved me ! 

Finally I am just going to keep going because I believe in me and my worth. These men are selfish, self centred, lying narcissists who only really care about themselves and I just have to remember that. My biggest problem is even though I know all this I still feel love for the person I spent that year with (I realise they don't exist anymore) and I can't seem to move past that. I feel like I'm trying my hardest to forget but it doesn't really work and I do think about him mostly last thing at night and first thing in the morning however he sometimes comes in my thoughts through out the day as well. I'm ashamed to admit that and I really wish I didn't think about him. My thoughts aren't always positive and more recently they are angry thoughts and wanting him to suffer and be miserable. It's like I need some kind of confirmation that he did love me after all, sad but true. He had a huge impact on me and I can't seem to forget. Any ideas on how I can get over this final hurdle? I realise lock down doesn't help and maybe as life gets back to normal then I can finally make some positive changes and stop giving him my head space. Thanks again to everyone who has messaged me and commented on my thread, you really did help. xo 

[mark clemson]

11 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Time does help and I would say my progress is very slow, I often wonder if I will ever be really free of thoughts of him and regrets. I'm still single and no plans at all to date, maybe I won't fully be able to put him behind me until a find love again. A friend from this site said that affairs are notoriously hard to get over

Closure ultimately comes from within. It does often take a lot longer than we'd like.  Actually being unable to contact him at all (instead of having him around off and on in the workplace) probably would have made this easier, but it'll come all the same.

[Luna66star]

Hi Beca.  You are amazing and strong for maintaining NC since last June.   Some go on for years hanging on to hope. It surely emphasizes how, through introspection and perseverance, you have broken the MM spell.  You are moving on.  

I think he will always be a part of you in some way.  Anyone who has been that close to us, and especially if they caused us pain, will remain in our psyche forever.  

There will be good memories but also negative ones.  It takes taking a very long period of NC to look objectively at what was really happening there.  He was using you.  It's a harsh reality.

I still think of my ex MM.  He even pops up to say Merry Xmas and later Happy New Year.  I write back with a generic reply but don't engage further.  Neither does he.  I'm ok with it and go on about my life.  I guess I'm no longer angry and am letting it be.

It sounds very much like you are also at peace with the situation.  My heart 💓 goes out to you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Beca L]

24 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Closure ultimately comes from within. It does often take a lot longer than we'd like.  Actually being unable to contact him at all (instead of having him around off and on in the workplace) probably would have made this easier, but it'll come all the same.

Thanks Mark, I know it's down to me and that it will come from within.  I guess I'm being hard on myself and I keep thinking there is something wrong with me that I just can't seem to get over it. I really hope it will come eventually.  

[Beca L]

3 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

Hi Beca.  You are amazing and strong for maintaining NC since last June.   Some go on for years hanging on to hope. It surely emphasizes how, through introspection and perseverance, you have broken the MM spell.  You are moving on.  

I think he will always be a part of you in some way.  Anyone who has been that close to us, and especially if they caused us pain, will remain in our psyche forever.  

There will be good memories but also negative ones.  It takes taking a very long period of NC to look objectively at what was really happening there.  He was using you.  It's a harsh reality.

I still think of my ex MM.  He even pops up to say Merry Xmas and later Happy New Year.  I write back with a generic reply but don't engage further.  Neither does he.  I'm ok with it and go on about my life.  I guess I'm no longer angry and am letting it be.

It sounds very much like you are also at peace with the situation.  My heart 💓 goes out to you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much, I've got tears in my eyes, everything you said resonates with me. I guess he will be a part of me forever and hopefully it will be less on the surface and more deeper within. You are right he used me terribly, especially after he went back and he kept me hanging on for two years making me believe he was on the verge of leaving again. I don't think I can forgive him for that. I doubt I will ever hear from him again and I'm sure if I can move away from the school things will continue to improve. Thanks again for the support xo

[BaileyB]

You seem like such a kind and wonderful soul Becca. I am so sorry this happened to you, but I admire your courage and your gentle wisdom. I hope you find the love that you deserve someday... but, if that man doesn’t come into your life, I still believe that you will live a life filled with love, happiness, and adventure. Best wishes. 

[Luna66star]

Beca.  I also meant to say ...

Good news ....there is life after this experience and one to be celebrated for the kind gentle soul (and strong) that you are!  There is a worthy man out there for you, I can feel it!  He's waiting for you. 

 

 

 

[Beca L]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You seem like such a kind and wonderful soul Becca. I am so sorry this happened to you, but I admire your courage and your gentle wisdom. I hope you find the love that you deserve someday... but, if that man doesn’t come into your life, I still believe that you will live a life filled with love, happiness, and adventure. Best wishes. 

Thanks so much, I really appreciate your support and wisdom too. You don't really know how much your advise and comments helped. I bought a journal and went back through my thread last summer and wrote down all the most relevant comments that helped to see xmm for who he really is and recognise how he was treating me, I often refer to this book and it helps with my recovery. 

[Beca L]

5 hours ago, Luna66star said:

There is a worthy man out there for you, I can feel it!  He's waiting for you. 

😃 I really do hope so, thanks x

[Snakesalive]

12 hours ago, Beca L said:

Hello,

Well it's a year since I first posted on this site and what a year it's been, thought I'd just update you as to how things are with me. You will be pleased to hear that I'm still in NC and apart from a small blip last June I have managed to remain in NC since then. XMM's brother died suddenly last June and I reached out to offer condolences, ( I had met his brother and his family and spent a long weekend with them plus they were very close) maybe I shouldn't have but that's me and it would have felt wrong not to. I realised after having coffee with him that it had set me back big time and that I really hadn't made any progress but I managed to go back to NC and I've stuck to it since then. XMM doesn't contact me at all so I guess that helps. As you know we work in the same school and last term we were in school, so as you can imagine it was extremely tough seeing him again but wearing a mask helps and if i came across him anywhere in school I would just look away and walk right past. It really is a killer, I was deeply in love with him and we were planning our future together so it still stings big time. I often see him in the car park or by the shop outside school and we on occasion have to walk past each other, so its really painful but I have to remember how this person treated me and they really don't deserve me anymore. I know many of you recommended that I find a new job if I really want to move on and it's great advise however with a global pandemic going on atm it's not ideal trying to find a new job. My plan is to start looking before the summer term ends and hopefully have something new by the autumn. 

Someone asked me yesterday how I've moved on and healed. I'd love to say that I have but if I'm completely honest with myself it's been more about accepting and getting used to my life without him. Time does help and I would say my progress is very slow, I often wonder if I will ever be really free of thoughts of him and regrets. I'm still single and no plans at all to date, maybe I won't fully be able to put him behind me until a find love again. A friend from this site said that affairs are notoriously hard to get over and I think those of you on this site who have been the OW or OM can attest to that. My experience was unique in that he did actually leave and start divorce proceedings, they had sold the family home and we were buying a place together. We were together, a couple for over a year and then it ended just like that with no warning, no arguments, nothing. It came out of the blue and I think it didn't go through the natural stages that a normal relationship does before it ends so I guess this is why I'm still struggling. It's like he died yet he didn't and I still have to see him regularly. Anyway the for those of you who are going through something similar hang in and keep going. You do deserve better and even if you are going to be on your own it is better than the life of an OW.

The things that have helped over the last year are : this site and the advise you wonderful people gave me and you truly opened my eyes to what was really going on and I saw xmm in a different light. Friends that I met on this site, you know who you are, who email regularly and we support and help each other. My family and my children, taking care of them and knowing that they love me and it helps me to remember what real love is. A friend from this site recommended the website 'Natashaadamo.com' which is amazing !!! Natasha is a truly wonderful soul who has inspiring blogs and advise and coaching. I also follow her on insta and she replies to my messages and even sends me voice messages, she is my hero and saved me ! 

Finally I am just going to keep going because I believe in me and my worth. These men are selfish, self centred, lying narcissists who only really care about themselves and I just have to remember that. My biggest problem is even though I know all this I still feel love for the person I spent that year with (I realise they don't exist anymore) and I can't seem to move past that. I feel like I'm trying my hardest to forget but it doesn't really work and I do think about him mostly last thing at night and first thing in the morning however he sometimes comes in my thoughts through out the day as well. I'm ashamed to admit that and I really wish I didn't think about him. My thoughts aren't always positive and more recently they are angry thoughts and wanting him to suffer and be miserable. It's like I need some kind of confirmation that he did love me after all, sad but true. He had a huge impact on me and I can't seem to forget. Any ideas on how I can get over this final hurdle? I realise lock down doesn't help and maybe as life gets back to normal then I can finally make some positive changes and stop giving him my head space. Thanks again to everyone who has messaged me and commented on my thread, you really did help. xo 

Thankyou so much for posting your update.

I can only echo what others have said about you being a beautiful soul . To have gone through this experience and still reach out to exMm with condolences on his bereavement truly shows your compassion and selflessness. People like you are to be treasured and I’m sure you’ll find someone who will appreciate that -I’m sure your family and friends already do. 
 

I can relate to the the difficulties at work. I too am looking for another job even ones that would mean a significant drop in pay. No one at work is engaging with me which makes it impossible to do my job effectively-I am really committed and always have been wherever I have worked s o it’s really affecting my mental health. Well meaning friends have suggested I send a grievance letter because of the way I’m being treated but I knew  my career was a risk when I got into this but I stupidly trusted my XMM when he said it would be ok He had my back and would sort it out. I think that makes the betrayal I feel even harder to deal with . I don’t think I will be able to move on to the next stage of a break up while I still have this attachment through work. I have a meeting he will be at soon and have decided to be nothing other than professional and dignified -I will not let him compromise who I am -this situation has taken a lot from me I hope I will still feel as strong at the meeting as I do now! 

I am slowly taking off the rose tinted glasses -I had a big issue with blaming myself for the break up at the beginning.  Thanks to the comments on here I realise it would have happened anyway and recognising that is a turning point for me. 

I’m focussing on my future not my past, I can’t wait for the day it isn’t my first and last thought but I know it will come . He doesn’t deserve to be in my thoughts so I will keep trying to fill them with people and things that do :) 

ill be sure to look up Natasha on line thanks sharing  . Sending virtual hugs 

 

 

 

 

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

No one at work is engaging with me which makes it impossible to do my job effectively-I am really committed and always have been wherever I have worked s o it’s really affecting my mental health. Well meaning friends have suggested I send a grievance letter because of the way I’m being treated but I knew  my career was a risk when I got into this but I stupidly trusted my XMM when he said it would be ok He had my back and would sort it out. I think that makes the betrayal I feel even harder to deal with .

Gosh I’m so sorry to hear this, what a nightmare for you. He is the married one, he betrayed his spouse, he is to blame. Keep your head held high and be professional. This man no longer deserves you, please remember that and try to not engage with him. Luckily I don’t have to work directly with Xmm, I was supposed to have some lessons with him but I swapped with a colleague so she now goes to the lessons. It is awkward when I see him outside in the car park etc but I just pretend he’s not there and ignore. Take care and keep up the NC it is the only way you will find peace and happiness. X

[Snakesalive]

Can I ask how others have affected to your situation so colleagues at work for example 

[Beca L]

7 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

Can I ask how others have affected to your situation so colleagues at work for example 

we are a close family of staff at the school and because we didn't have an 'affair' in the beginning as in that he left his wife before we started a serious relationship. Then everyone just accepted us as a couple, we had staff nights out and other social events where people saw us together. I celebrated my 50th bday when we were a couple and I had a party with lots of staff invited. When he went back to his W most staff that I'm close to were very shocked and they couldn't believe it. I think he looked more like a fool and if anything people were very sympathetic towards me. Myself, I felt humiliated and embarrassed and awkward going to school etc. lots of people said I'd dodged a bullet and I was better off with out him. Others couldn't believe his wife had taken him back after such a long time and how they both thought it was going to work etc. So it hasn't been too bad. I'm sorry that you are being ostracized by other staff members, that seems unfair. Do they really know all the facts? I know that xMM would never have talked about me to anyone, he would have just said it's over and that's that. Do you think xMM has said things so he comes out smelling of roses? 

[Snakesalive]

1 minute ago, Beca L said:

we are a close family of staff at the school and because we didn't have an 'affair' in the beginning as in that he left his wife before we started a serious relationship. Then everyone just accepted us as a couple, we had staff nights out and other social events where people saw us together. I celebrated my 50th bday when we were a couple and I had a party with lots of staff invited. When he went back to his W most staff that I'm close to were very shocked and they couldn't believe it. I think he looked more like a fool and if anything people were very sympathetic towards me. Myself, I felt humiliated and embarrassed and awkward going to school etc. lots of people said I'd dodged a bullet and I was better off with out him. Others couldn't believe his wife had taken him back after such a long time and how they both thought it was going to work etc. So it hasn't been too bad. I'm sorry that you are being ostracized by other staff members, that seems unfair. Do they really know all the facts? I know that xMM would never have talked about me to anyone, he would have just said it's over and that's that. Do you think xMM has said things so he comes out smelling of roses? 

Mine is a more complicated situation in that he left his wife not because of me they  we’re having problems long before .  
i don’t deserve any sympathy and not looking for any but I do feel the blame has been levelled at me much more than him -I was married he was married it was 50/50 in that sense . He led me to believe we had a future together “when the time was right” when actually all the time he was just keeping me as an option and when we were discovered (he’d been separated a while as had I ) after a few weeks the reality of the situation kicked in and I was promptly discarded . 

[Snakesalive]

Just now, Snakesalive said:

Mine is a more complicated situation in that he left his wife not because of me they  we’re having problems long before .  
i don’t deserve any sympathy and not looking for any but I do feel the blame has been levelled at me much more than him -I was married he was married it was 50/50 in that sense . He led me to believe we had a future together “when the time was right” when actually all the time he was just keeping me as an option and when we were discovered (he’d been separated a while as had I ) after a few weeks the reality of the situation kicked in and I was promptly discarded . 

I definitely know he’s playing the victim which is totally crazy but I can’t change what he chooses to say -I know my truth 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, Snakesalive said:

Mine is a more complicated situation in that he left his wife not because of me they  we’re having problems long before .  
i don’t deserve any sympathy and not looking for any but I do feel the blame has been levelled at me much more than him -I was married he was married it was 50/50 in that sense . He led me to believe we had a future together “when the time was right” when actually all the time he was just keeping me as an option and when we were discovered (he’d been separated a while as had I ) after a few weeks the reality of the situation kicked in and I was promptly discarded . 

So has he gone back to his W or is he living on his own ? Does she know about you? I'm not sure why colleagues would really be interested in your lives unless of course she also works there. He's probably ashamed of his own behaviour and what people will think of him so throwing you under the bus was all about his self-preservation and he probably is saying whatever it takes to make himself look good. I'm so sorry you are going through this and that you have finally seen him for who he is, that hurts, especially when you still love them. Hang in there and things will get better. 

[Snakesalive]

1 minute ago, Beca L said:

So has he gone back to his W or is he living on his own ? Does she know about you? I'm not sure why colleagues would really be interested in your lives unless of course she also works there. He's probably ashamed of his own behaviour and what people will think of him so throwing you under the bus was all about his self-preservation and he probably is saying whatever it takes to make himself look good. I'm so sorry you are going through this and that you have finally seen him for who he is, that hurts, especially when you still love them. Hang in there and things will get better. 

I’m not sure if he’s with her or not and to be honest I really don’t want to know -at the end of the day if she takes  him back I doubt he will  tell her the whole truth about us -just his version and if she’s ok with that good  luck to her . 

 I guess it just brings it home to me that I was just there to boost his ego and fill a void . I think you’re right in that there’s some shame mixed in too -when we got together he told everyone how much in love he was and I think he probably feels more embarrassed about that . 
Every day is different and I think initially I crazily felt I was being unfair thinking badly of him! I’m thinking a bit more rationally now . I think in my heart I know I would have been in exactly your position -he would have gone back it was just a question of when - he wasn’t as committed to me as  I thought and it’s that realisation that hurts the most . It will get better I know , thankyou you give me hope 

[Beca L]

13 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

I guess it just brings it home to me that I was just there to boost his ego and fill a void .

I hate to say it but you are probably right. I think my xmm had been neglected in his marriage for years (i believe now that his W was probably so pissed off with how he treated her that she pulled away to punish him, moved out of the bedroom, denied him sex etc). So he came looking for another supply, someone to adore him and he found me. He used me and when finally it dawned on him the pain he had caused his W and adult sons and the realisation that life with me was not going to be a walk in the park with 3 teens at home he decided that better go home and luckily she took him back. I'm so sorry that you have been lied to and misled, he conned you and used you. He's the worst of the worst, just remember that.

Keep fighting, he's really not worth it . 

[Snakesalive]

24 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I hate to say it but you are probably right. I think my xmm had been neglected in his marriage for years (i believe now that his W was probably so pissed off with how he treated her that she pulled away to punish him, moved out of the bedroom, denied him sex etc). So he came looking for another supply, someone to adore him and he found me. He used me and when finally it dawned on him the pain he had caused his W and adult sons and the realisation that life with me was not going to be a walk in the park with 3 teens at home he decided that better go home and luckily she took him back. I'm so sorry that you have been lied to and misled, he conned you and used you. He's the worst of the worst, just remember that.

Keep fighting, he's really not worth it . 

This is uncanny pretty much the same thing -I think in my case too : his wife pulled away -i fell for his stories of how she didn’t show him affection etc and I fell for it , it felt good to feel I was helping him be happy again -what an idiot I was .  
You’re totally right -the worst of the worst . This has made me self reflect -I’m sure you’re the same -I’m using this to understand more and become the best version of me -I don’t think the same can be said for my xMm he’s missing the opportunity to grow really  don’t think he has the capacity for real self reflection 

[DKT3]

21 hours ago, Beca L said:

Thanks Mark, I know it's down to me and that it will come from within.  I guess I'm being hard on myself and I keep thinking there is something wrong with me that I just can't seem to get over it. I really hope it will come eventually.  

Getting over it requires you to give up the fantasy of Mr Amazing that is purely your creation.  

If only.....right?

I have this theory about women who get involved with married men. They are for the most part closed off and emotionally unavailable,  even those that are married.  If a man knocked on the front door they would be not interested.  But when a guy sneaks around to the back and climb in a window he gets in before she realizes she needed to lock the window. 

I believe that because she was unavailable it must have took someone awesome,  someone thats offered something she has never had. When in reality,  he is just a low life criminal. 

Even now, knowing what this guy is you still believe there is something special about him. 

[Beca L]

59 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Getting over it requires you to give up the fantasy of Mr Amazing that is purely your creation.  

If only.....right?

I have this theory about women who get involved with married men. They are for the most part closed off and emotionally unavailable,  even those that are married.  If a man knocked on the front door they would be not interested.  But when a guy sneaks around to the back and climb in a window he gets in before she realizes she needed to lock the window. 

I believe that because she was unavailable it must have took someone awesome,  someone thats offered something she has never had. When in reality,  he is just a low life criminal. 

Even now, knowing what this guy is you still believe there is something special about him. 

Gosh this was tough to read but you are so right. Although I've never thought of myself as emotionally unavailable and closed off, I have so much love to give but I think my divorce may have led me to be unavailable and closed off. I did think he was awesome but he is definitely not, I think I like the way he made me feel and how I felt about myself, maybe that is what I'm really missing. This has really helped, thank you 

[Snakesalive]

On 2/4/2021 at 9:50 PM, Beca L said:

So has he gone back to his W or is he living on his own ? Does she know about you? I'm not sure why colleagues would really be interested in your lives unless of course she also works there. He's probably ashamed of his own behaviour and what people will think of him so throwing you under the bus was all about his self-preservation and he probably is saying whatever it takes to make himself look good. I'm so sorry you are going through this and that you have finally seen him for who he is, that hurts, especially when you still love them. Hang in there and things will get better. 

I needed to read this again today to try and remind myself things will get better My xMM called me yesterday (see my other post) initially I felt ok about the call and now today I feel it has really set  me back in my recovery. Can I ask how  you dealt  with speaking to your xMM after he went back to his wife and before you went no contact ? 

Edited February 10, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Beca L]

33 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

I needed to read this again today to try and remind myself things will get better My xMM called me yesterday (see my other post) initially I felt ok about the call and now today I feel it has really set  me back in my recovery. Can I ask how  you dealt  with speaking to your xMM after he went back to his wife and before you went no contact ? 

My story is quite complicated. He went back Jan 2018 and I guess he was confused for a long time, he wanted to be with W because it was in his best interests long term and he wanted contact with his sons (they had not spoken to him for a year), yet he kept telling me he was in love with me and he'd made a mistake going back but wasn't sure how to fix it. We were in contact on and off for 2 years after that till this time last year. I saw him a lot at school, after school at weekends sometimes and when W was away. I was convinced he would leave to be with me again so I'm ashamed to say that I kept hanging on (what a fool). Finally it dawned on me that he was using me and had no intentions of leaving again and that is when I found this site. I was already a month NC at that point. Since then I've only had contact with him last June when his brother died. He hasn't tried to contact me at all, I ignore him at school and he does the same. It's better for me if I don't speak to him, he broke my heart, i don't really have anything to say to him. 

You may find that this is not the end of communications with your xmm, it may take some time for things to be really over. 

[Snakesalive]

12 hours ago, Beca L said:

him for a year), yet he kept telling me he was in love with me and he'd made a mistake going back but wasn't sure how to fix it.

I really feel for you Beca . It’s crazy isn’t it to think how we hang in there , accept their indecision and wait till they have found a way to fix it . It sounds like he was tormented between wanting to be with you and wanting his family -particularly his sons -the emotion impact of them not speaking to him for a year must have been really hard -I’m sure it impacted you too. 

A fix in this case where he could have the best of both worlds ie you and his family was never going to be without some concessions  and I’m so sorry it resulted in heartbreak for you. 

For me I know it’s over and there will be NC and this is exactly what I want -I never want to see or hear from him again. 
I’m so angry right now with myself that I didn’t see this coming and end things before I left my marriage . I’m angry that my ex MM was/is so weak and seems to think it’s ok to say sorry it didn’t work out I underestimated how hard it would be -if we’d just waited it might have been different.  (All this while telling me he’s focussing on the future and  I should too!!!!) Not enough that I’ve had to leave my job ( right thing to do I know) he’s still messing  with my head by suggesting if we’d stuck to his plan of waiting 6 months we’d have lived happily ever after ! Unbelievable 

Not excusing my part in this situation I should never have got involved I take responsibility for that part of the heartache I’m experiencing and others have .  The only thing I can think right now is I have to stop giving him so much of my energy . Negative thoughts will harm me while he still goes about his life with a spring  in his step and fooling everyone around him into thinking he’s a changed man. 
 

 

Edited February 11, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Amethyst68]

6 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

I’m so angry right now with myself that I didn’t see this coming and end things before I left my marriage

So are you saying you'd have stayed married? Surely your husband would've deserved better than to be a clear second choice? At least this way you'll both be able to go forward and find healthy relationships with people who value you.