DKT3 Posted February 15, 2021 Share Posted February 15, 2021 Ultimately when it comes to interpersonal relationships that fail there is also an element of never really knowing or understanding what and why. You will only ever move passed it by accepting that you will not really know or understand. The need and desire to understand is merely pain shopping at this point. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted February 15, 2021 Share Posted February 15, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, DKT3 said: Ultimately when it comes to interpersonal relationships that fail there is also an element of never really knowing or understanding what and why. You will only ever move passed it by accepting that you will not really know or understand. The need and desire to understand is merely pain shopping at this point. I agree. At some point an affair breakup is a lot like a regular breakup, even though the relationship was different. Reading articles about how to get over a breakup is helpful. Edited February 15, 2021 by RebeccaR Typo Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 15, 2021 Share Posted February 15, 2021 33 minutes ago, RebeccaR said: I agree. At some point an affair breakup is a lot like a regular breakup, even though the relationship was different. Reading articles about how to get over a breakup is helpful. I disagree that they are like regular breakups. They are very different because affair relationships are almost always about that relationships while regular relationships have outside influence. So in turn when there is a breakup its usually all about the relationship which some (particularly women) believe that it could have been changed with a few words either said or unspoken. This is why they get stuck. In regular breakups they are much more complicated, there are breakdowns on many fronts and often feel hopeless. Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted February 15, 2021 Share Posted February 15, 2021 The lockdown has really hit hard and it's again bringing up thoughts of MM. For awhile I was doing great, busy & out and about. Now back to ruminating. Working from home most days which is rather isolating. I'm listening to "brain entrainment" subliminals on Yu Tube which send various low frequency magnetic waves, and affect brain states. After listening for an hour, I can say I was no longer thinking of MM. It took me to a very deep relaxation state and almost purged all those thoughts I was obsessing over earlier. I'm determined to get him out of my mind for good. I've been doing online dating (more like talking to people) and feel very discouraged by it all. I get some generic responses which could have been sent to many. I even tried to reach out asking questions about interesting things in their profiles. Still one word replies. Think I will stick to meeting men in real life. I don't even ponder what MM was doing on VD, where he is or what else he's up to. Rehashing what happened with him is self defeating. All I can do is learn from the past, heal and figure out my goals for the future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 15, 2021 Author Share Posted February 15, 2021 3 hours ago, DKT3 said: affair relationships are almost always about that relationships while regular relationships have outside influence. In my case it was different and I have to disagree. We had a regular relationship before he went back and if anything our relationship just ended without any warning. He has always said that he still loves me deeply and if circumstances were different we would still be together (yes, I realise some will say how could you believe a known liar and cheat). It was outside issues that led to the demise of our relationship, my kids, his kids, my xH, him having to live on his own, loss of his family, ex W who he has grown up with, guilt because of all the pain he caused, loss of the family home (which was sold), divorce etc. I think the main reason that women get stuck moving on is because of the abrupt ending, no warning, often no arguing in the build up to the breakup (which often happens in regular relationships), usually because of d-day contact just ends and you can no longer speak to the xmm or xmw and often no explanation is given. no closure at all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 15, 2021 Author Share Posted February 15, 2021 2 hours ago, Luna66star said: The lockdown has really hit hard and it's again bringing up thoughts of MM. For awhile I was doing great, busy & out and about. Now back to ruminating. Working from home most days which is rather isolating. I totally sympathise and understand, it's so hard, much harder to try and move on when you can't do things to stay busy and get out and about. I'm obviously stuck at home with 3 teens so I'm not alone but at times I feel lonely. No adult to talk to, no-one to share my troubles with. It's times like this that you realise that life is harder when you don't have a life partner. 2 hours ago, Luna66star said: 've been doing online dating (more like talking to people) and feel very discouraged by it all. I also understand how this feels, I've not done any for a while. Last summer I had one date but it wasn't the best and the whole thing is very discouraging. I would rather try and meet someone through friends or through activities that I might do. BTW valentines didn't really bother me, from what I know about xmm he would definitely have not bought his W anything, I doubt they celebrated it. There relationship is more like brother and sister. I decided to give myself gifts, flowers, champagne etc. I'm wishing you all the best, you can do this, as can I, self love is key and once we are healed then we will be much more open to love when it comes knocking at our door again 😃 xo Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 15, 2021 Share Posted February 15, 2021 1 hour ago, Beca L said: In my case it was different and I have to disagree. We had a regular relationship before he went back and if anything our relationship just ended without any warning. He has always said that he still loves me deeply and if circumstances were different we would still be together (yes, I realise some will say how could you believe a known liar and cheat). It was outside issues that led to the demise of our relationship, my kids, his kids, my xH, him having to live on his own, loss of his family, ex W who he has grown up with, guilt because of all the pain he caused, loss of the family home (which was sold), divorce etc. I think the main reason that women get stuck moving on is because of the abrupt ending, no warning, often no arguing in the build up to the breakup (which often happens in regular relationships), usually because of d-day contact just ends and you can no longer speak to the xmm or xmw and often no explanation is given. no closure at all. Come on, abrupt ending? Not very many fools posting here, it would take a fool to not realize an affair is most likely to end abruptly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 16, 2021 Author Share Posted February 16, 2021 1 hour ago, DKT3 said: Come on, abrupt ending? Not very many fools posting here, it would take a fool to not realize an affair is most likely to end abruptly. Exactly, it's the ending that unable's the AP to move on as they very rarely get the closure that they may have got if it had been a regular relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 22 minutes ago, Beca L said: Exactly, it's the ending that unable's the AP to move on as they very rarely get the closure that they may have got if it had been a regular relationship. What is closure? Its really a concept that doesn't exist. When a relationship ends and you don't want it to you aren't really open to accept the reason why. Bottom line is there are relationships where you are the one who wants it over, ie most of your marriage...do you need closure there? When you don't want the relationship to end, it doesn't necessarily mean the one ending it is doing something wrong....whether you want it or not. There is no closure, only time to accept that the person you want doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 8 hours ago, Beca L said: decided to give myself gifts, flowers, champagne etc. I'm wishing you all the best, you can do this, as can I, self love is key What a great idea, good you did this for you I think the point about self love is a good one too -it’s a work in progress isn’t it but important to reconnect with ourselves and value who we are ,the fact we are capable and have the capacity to show people such love is something to cherish and the right person will come along with the capability to receive it and enjoy it . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 Beca, I think part of the reason you are still hung up on it is because you are stuck on the idea that outside forces have kept you apart versus him actually having the choice to be where he is. If it wasn't that you had kid, if it wasn't that he had to live alone, if only his kids talked to him, if only his wife hadn't started taking care of herself, etc.... An affair has that competition element. And while you did have a semi-normal relationship in that he left his wife for a period of time, it was still born from an affair, and the entire time the competition element remained. Which keeps the intensity at an all-time high and makes it even harder when he decided he needed to be with his wife again. Add to it, you have to see him. While I know you keep NC, I know it is also impossible to completely avoid seeing him which has to be difficult. You are doing great, but don't let yourself get sucked into the dreams of "if only...." Because many of those "if only" should show you a man you would NOT want to be with. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 10 hours ago, Beca L said: Exactly, it's the ending that unable's the AP to move on as they very rarely get the closure that they may have got if it had been a regular relationship. I think in an affair there is a tendency to throw a whole lot of seriousness into it that it doesn't really justify. Regular relationships come and go, c'est la vie, but affairs are approached as if they are set in stone, as if being together forever is a given. When it all falls apart as relationships tend to do, it is devastating, a total disaster... That was NEVER supposed to happen. It cuts to the quick as the "competition" ie the wife won her man back, and it also is a bit uncomfortable. The reason for the affair was due to the relationship being very special and a once in a lifetime opportunity which negates many of the feelings of wrongdoing... attempting to whisk away another woman's husband is not very "nice", but it is OK, if is all about love. Take away the love and it returns to being a bit of an underhand and sneaky move... So not only has the object of desire gone back to his wife, the OW feels she embarked on a "crime" that didn't come off as she had hoped. He gets to go back to his cosy life, she is left alone nursing her grief and her ?guilt. Beca, Any time I have left a man or had a man leave me, I do my grief thing for a while and then I dismantle him and our relationship completely . "It would never have worked" is the conclusion I come to and on that basis I move on... I put a line under it. I don't spend time hating or daydreaming or trying to get back together. This has always worked for me. I have never been left pining or wallowing in what ifs, buts and maybes for prolonged periods... New chapter in the book of life... Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 I know in the aftermath of my affair one of my realizations was that there are questions that I will never have the answer to, related to other people's actions. And that revelation helped me more with a friendship that had ended abruptly for me 15 years earlier. For years I wondered, what happened? What did I do? Why did she act the way she did? I thought if I knew the answers, THEN I would heal and move on. I felt if I could understand, THEN I would be okay. But of course that is not how it works. Instead, I held on to the whys much, much longer than I should have, at my own detriment. It wasn't until I finally said to myself, "I will never understand why she did what she did" that I had my closure and truly moved on. I wish I had learned that lesson earlier, it would've saved me so much heartache. And the interesting thing is that once I got to the point of letting go, I found a wonderful group of friends. It was like I couldn't invest in new friends until I let the old friend go. Link to post Share on other sites
Penny Posted February 20, 2021 Share Posted February 20, 2021 Beca, are you ok now? I find myself in your same situation though i was with him for three and a half years. I was an idiot. I tried to break it off so many times too and he would always pursue. When she found our texts, i got completely dropped. Just like that. Yes, he was married but i fell in love with him. I thought we were in love and now I’m in so much grief. It hurts. I can’t sleep or eat. I’ve lost ten pounds in just a month. It’s hard to work. How do you go from talking to someone daily and all the sweet things and love he was giving me to just nothing. It’s like someone died. And then they just go on in their marriage like nothing ever happened. Everyone thinks they’re this perfect family. They even lead classes in church. Please tell me how you’re doing so i can have some hope. My life has had one loss after another and I’m just wondering when will it ever be happy. Please help. You know when you experience loss there is that knot in your stomach? Why do i make such stupid mistakes? All of the textbooks are true and i always think my situation is different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted February 20, 2021 Share Posted February 20, 2021 1 minute ago, Penny said: Beca, are you ok now? I find myself in your same situation though i was with him for three and a half years. I was an idiot. I tried to break it off so many times too and he would always pursue. When she found our texts, i got completely dropped. Just like that. Yes, he was married but i fell in love with him. I thought we were in love and now I’m in so much grief. It hurts. I can’t sleep or eat. I’ve lost ten pounds in just a month. It’s hard to work. How do you go from talking to someone daily and all the sweet things and love he was giving me to just nothing. It’s like someone died. And then they just go on in their marriage like nothing ever happened. Everyone thinks they’re this perfect family. They even lead classes in church. Please tell me how you’re doing so i can have some hope. My life has had one loss after another and I’m just wondering when will it ever be happy. Please help. You know when you experience loss there is that knot in your stomach? Why do i make such stupid mistakes? All of the textbooks are true and i always think my situation is different. I am so sorry you’re hurting , although my situation is different I’m a MW he is a MM I understand the pain you feel and just wanted to reach out to let you know you’re not alone . We all think our situation is unique , we’re human we all have errors of judgement it doesn’t make us stupid it just makes us human . Xo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beca L Posted February 21, 2021 Author Share Posted February 21, 2021 10 hours ago, Penny said: Beca, are you ok now? I find myself in your same situation though i was with him for three and a half years. I was an idiot. I tried to break it off so many times too and he would always pursue. When she found our texts, i got completely dropped. Just like that. Yes, he was married but i fell in love with him. I thought we were in love and now I’m in so much grief. It hurts. I can’t sleep or eat. I’ve lost ten pounds in just a month. It’s hard to work. How do you go from talking to someone daily and all the sweet things and love he was giving me to just nothing. It’s like someone died. And then they just go on in their marriage like nothing ever happened. Everyone thinks they’re this perfect family. They even lead classes in church. Please tell me how you’re doing so i can have some hope. My life has had one loss after another and I’m just wondering when will it ever be happy. Please help. You know when you experience loss there is that knot in your stomach? Why do i make such stupid mistakes? All of the textbooks are true and i always think my situation is different. Penny, I'm so sorry to to read this and my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain and I know how hard this is. I was broken for a long time, I lost 28lbs and i wasn't even that overweight. I had two periods of time off work and I nearly went on anti-depressants but I decided not to in the end. For the first year after he went back it was desperately hard, I think xmm struggled so we tried NC but it's hard as we worked together and I was desperate. So we would end up back in contact so many times, he kept telling me that he couldn't be without me, that he was in love with me and that he had caused this situation but he didn't know how to resolve it -blah blah blah. I believed all his lies and I kept hanging on, far longer than I should have. I understand about the dying thing, I felt the same, the grief is unbearable, maybe you should take time off work, a few weeks to get yourself together. NC is key, do not contact him, he walked away and doesn't deserve you. Let him get on with his miserable marriage. Who cares that people think they have a perfect marriage, you know the truth, people can only keep up that pretence for so long. Time does make things easier and an acceptance of who they are and how they treated you. I know it is not what you want to hear right now, I didn't either. You have to focus on the small things, small steps, getting through each day. Stay in the present, don't look beyond this day. I'm better than I was and I have good days and bad, lock down has helped in a weird way as I haven't had to see him very much. I still can't understand why he did what he did and as others have said on this site I probably won't ever know. What I do know is that he broke my heart and he's not to be trusted, a liar and a cheat. I miss him but I don't need him any more. Stay strong, things will get better, you are worth more than this man had to offer, remember that. xo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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