Update on NC - 'he went back to his wife after a year together'

[SSE]

Hello Beca,

It’s been a while since I was on LS. Lately I’ve been struggling and had an urge to visit LS. I read this post of yours. I don’t know your entire story, however some of your words resonated with me.

I had an affair with a MM (he did not leave his wife) and have had no contact with him for about a half year now. I was not treated well by the MM, still I loved him and stayed way too long in that toxic cycle with him. But even now, after everything what has been said and done, I still feel something for him. You would think that you would lose attraction for someone that hurts you over and over again, but I still feel something. Even miss him at some times. But what’s there to miss (in my case)? He was not a warm, caring, truthful person towards me. It’s something I find very strange and cannot logically explain.

I too have those angry thoughts. I too want him to suffer. The contrast between our lives seems so big. He seems to have it all: wife, children and a lot of money. I on the other hand struggle with my job and still cry regularly. It doesn’t seem fair that he’s not struggling. I know I crossed a line by saying yes to his advances but so did he by making them in the first place. Yet, no consequences for him. His wife knows nothing.

So I totally get what you’re saying about wanting some kind of validation. That he’s having a hard time too. That he's missing you too. I get that. You want to feel special for the person you love. You want to feel important to them because they are important to you. But it sucks knowing that you’re not. At least I know I’m not important to the MM. But why do I need his validation? He used me. For attention, ego strokes and sex. He used me. Why do I need the validation of that kind of person? I have family and friends that do care about me, I should be grateful for that. Why do I need this guy’s validation? Something I also cannot logically explain.

I’m focusing in therapy on my self-worth. I don’t think highly about myself and my life. Having an affair didn’t exactly help with those thoughts. With my therapist I’m trying to improve my self-image. I am important even though I’m single and have no children. I too am worthy even though I’m overweight and don’t have a lot of money. I have my flaws but I also have good qualities. I hope that by working on my self-image that I can leave this disaster behind me. Do you feel good about yourself?

It’s not easy I have to be honest. I’m 30 years old and society thinks there’s something wrong with me because I’m not partnered up and have no children. Girlfriends are getting babies like every week. But I’m stuck. I don’t feel like dating because I still feel pain and sadness. I have no prior experience with heartbreak, the MM was my first ‘love’. I do hope those painful feelings will become less painful someday. Honestly, I wish I had never met the MM. He’s not worth the pain I’m feeling. No man is worth this kind of pain. I hope I can/will love again in the future and I hope you will too. 

Anyway, I didn’t want to highjack your thread. Sorry if I did. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone with your feelings. I don’t have an answer to get over your (our) final hurdle though. Wouldn’t it be nice that just like a switch we could turn those feelings off?

Take care, Beca.

[RebeccaR]

8 hours ago, Prudence V said:

I’ve always been wary of that viewpoint (bolded). To me, it’s just counterintuitive. You don’t burn your bridges and rush into a R with everyone who catches your eye when you’re single, so why would you do it if you were M?

If you are not committed to being married and you are already checking out Plan B, your spouse deserves to know. It’s not so much that you have to be sure your affair partner is Mr. Right - it’s that if you are looking for someone else while still married, just end the marriage. It’s insulting to keep the spouse around just in case the affair doesn’t work out.

Edited February 12, 2021 by RebeccaR
Clarity

[Beca L]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

it’s that if you are looking for someone else while still married, just end the marriage. It’s insulting to keep the spouse around just in case the affair doesn’t work out.

my thoughts exactly. The MM or MW, treat both their spouse and AP terribly, using them both, lying and cheating. It's terribly narcissistic, self-centred and deceitful. They then justify their behaviour by saying I was confused and lonely. I thought I wanted to leave but now I'm not so sure, please hang on whilst I decide. 

[Prudence V]

23 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

It’s not so much that you have to be sure your affair partner is Mr. Right

No. It’s about being sure that you really do want to leave the M, and are not just experiencing a fleeting infatuation. 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, SSE said:

It’s been a while since I was on LS. Lately I’ve been struggling and had an urge to visit LS. I read this post of yours. I don’t know your entire story, however some of your words resonated with me.

I had an affair with a MM (he did not leave his wife) and have had no contact with him for about a half year now. I was not treated well by the MM, still I loved him and stayed way too long in that toxic cycle with him. But even now, after everything what has been said and done, I still feel something for him. You would think that you would lose attraction for someone that hurts you over and over again, but I still feel something. Even miss him at some times. But what’s there to miss (in my case)? He was not a warm, caring, truthful person towards me. It’s something I find very strange and cannot logically explain.

 

I understand and sympathise. I too still feel something for my xmm the one I spent that year with and I miss him. I realise that he may just be a fantasy in my head and that person no longer exists however I just can't seem to forget him. Reading posts on here helps because I see the real person and he's not nice and he has treated me terribly. Hang in there, don't be too hard on yourself. I think it's ok to miss them and think about them just not to put them on pedestal and believe they are better than you. It's a process that we have to go through and it takes time but you are young and you have your whole life ahead of you, You will meet someone better, someone who will put YOU on a pedestal and YOU will be there number one priority. Just be patient, stay in NC and remember his wife has a liar and a cheat as a husband, don't be jealous, you dodged a bullet. ((hugs))) 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

No. It’s about being sure that you really do want to leave the M, and are not just experiencing a fleeting infatuation. 

While I appreciate the point you are making, that one should not impulsively leave a marriage for a fleeting infatuation... the idea that one would lie to their spouse and stay in a marriage for three years while essentially auditioning another to be sure that they are not making a mistake is really abhorrent to me. 

Edited February 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[pepperbird2]

On 2/11/2021 at 5:42 PM, Beca L said:

Totally. I think at the time he left her their relationship had become so toxic, it was screaming and shouting and throwing things (I'm not blaming her, I realise now that his behaviour probably drove her slightly crazy). So in his defence it had gone beyond talking. Maybe a few years before he'd approached me, if he'd tried to talk about how he felt then it might have prevented things happening as they did. I sometimes believe that I've helped them, she changed because of the affair, I think it was a wake up call to her that she might lose MM. She lost weight, and seemed to get herself together. I think there's no drama any more from what I gathered when we last spoke, she was a rock for all the family whilst they coped with the death of his brother so I guess things are looking good for them. I guess I should be pleased they are still together, that their marriage was been saved but I just don't feel that way. 

Someone told me once that broken people bring their brokenness with them where ever they go.

Whatever it is in him that made him feel having an affair was an acceptable option didn't go away. That's still there.

[pepperbird2]

On 2/11/2021 at 6:59 PM, Beca L said:

ok I get what are saying here and maybe I shouldn't have worded it that way. I agree it is sad that AP believe that, obs I don't think he went back because she had lost weight. What i was trying to make the point is that she became more attractive to him because she was happier, moving on, making changes, taking care of herself, going on holiday with their sons, moving house without telling him (more independent)etc. She was calm and together, remember she also had a boyfriend. I guess he saw more of the W he fell in love with and he was now no longer a part of his family anymore, they didn't need him, he couldn't take that.  

Sort of an "you don't know what you have until it's gone"?

[pepperbird2]

22 hours ago, SSE said:

Hello Beca,

It’s been a while since I was on LS. Lately I’ve been struggling and had an urge to visit LS. I read this post of yours. I don’t know your entire story, however some of your words resonated with me.

I had an affair with a MM (he did not leave his wife) and have had no contact with him for about a half year now. I was not treated well by the MM, still I loved him and stayed way too long in that toxic cycle with him. But even now, after everything what has been said and done, I still feel something for him. You would think that you would lose attraction for someone that hurts you over and over again, but I still feel something. Even miss him at some times. But what’s there to miss (in my case)? He was not a warm, caring, truthful person towards me. It’s something I find very strange and cannot logically explain.

I too have those angry thoughts. I too want him to suffer. The contrast between our lives seems so big. He seems to have it all: wife, children and a lot of money. I on the other hand struggle with my job and still cry regularly. It doesn’t seem fair that he’s not struggling. I know I crossed a line by saying yes to his advances but so did he by making them in the first place. Yet, no consequences for him. His wife knows nothing.

So I totally get what you’re saying about wanting some kind of validation. That he’s having a hard time too. That he's missing you too. I get that. You want to feel special for the person you love. You want to feel important to them because they are important to you. But it sucks knowing that you’re not. At least I know I’m not important to the MM. But why do I need his validation? He used me. For attention, ego strokes and sex. He used me. Why do I need the validation of that kind of person? I have family and friends that do care about me, I should be grateful for that. Why do I need this guy’s validation? Something I also cannot logically explain.

I’m focusing in therapy on my self-worth. I don’t think highly about myself and my life. Having an affair didn’t exactly help with those thoughts. With my therapist I’m trying to improve my self-image. I am important even though I’m single and have no children. I too am worthy even though I’m overweight and don’t have a lot of money. I have my flaws but I also have good qualities. I hope that by working on my self-image that I can leave this disaster behind me. Do you feel good about yourself?

It’s not easy I have to be honest. I’m 30 years old and society thinks there’s something wrong with me because I’m not partnered up and have no children. Girlfriends are getting babies like every week. But I’m stuck. I don’t feel like dating because I still feel pain and sadness. I have no prior experience with heartbreak, the MM was my first ‘love’. I do hope those painful feelings will become less painful someday. Honestly, I wish I had never met the MM. He’s not worth the pain I’m feeling. No man is worth this kind of pain. I hope I can/will love again in the future and I hope you will too. 

Anyway, I didn’t want to highjack your thread. Sorry if I did. Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone with your feelings. I don’t have an answer to get over your (our) final hurdle though. Wouldn’t it be nice that just like a switch we could turn those feelings off?

Take care, Beca.

This is so sad, but you know what? With all the introspection and work you're doing on yourself, I bet you're going to come out the other side a much stronger person with a good sense of who you are, what you need and that you have a lot to offer. Confident, happy people tend to attract other confident, happy people, and even thought it may not seem like it to you right now, I have a feeling you'll end up being a great catch for the right guy. Someone who will treat you with respect.

[Beca L]

8 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

On 2/11/2021 at 10:59 PM, Beca L said:

 

Sort of an "you don't know what you have until it's gone"

ok that would make sense if he went back, got on with his marriage and never spoke to me again. However it didn't happen like that, he kept me on the back burner for 2 years saying he was in love with me, missed me, he was confused, felt guilty about W, didn't know how to fix things etc. It was terrible and I believed all his words, I regret that now and wish I'd been stronger in the beginning and just walked away. 

[SSE]

Thank you for your loving words @pepperbird2and @Beca L

The hard part for me are my thoughts. He wasn’t a warm and caring person towards me, but I have no idea how he behaves towards his wife and children. Maybe he’s a very warm person there, but just not to me because (in his eyes) I was only the sidepiece to have sex with.

I managed to stop looking at social media. Those happy family pics made me really sad. Seemed the total opposite of what I was told. I know a picture doesn’t necessarily tell how a person feels or how someone is as a person, but seeing those was hard. Especially when you know I wasn’t allowed to take a picture with him.

It’s kind of creepy if a person would have two personalities, but maybe that’s possible. Warm towards people that matter and cold towards people they can use for their own benefit. And I try to tell myself that this behavior is a reflection of his character and not my worth. That any girl he would have met would be treated like I was (or that’s what I hope at least).

The human mind is a powerful thing. Those thoughts I listed above make it difficult for me. Maybe I didn’t dodge a bullet and is the MM a great catch if he loves you. He’s just not that into me. However that doesn’t give him the right to use me like that. So maybe he’s not that great of a person. A couple of days later I would think he is a great person and that I want to be with him. But then I also realize that if the divorce miracle would happen and the second miracle would occur that he would come to me for a real relationship, I would be so scared in that relationship. Scared for a lot of more pain. He’s no trustworthy person. That’s no way of living. But on other days that feeling of ‘love’ for him pops up and I think otherwise. My mind is very conflicting and that makes this hard. Because eventually I want to open my heart again for someone else. Maybe I just need to make my mind up that there's just no future, great person or not. Too much is broken. 

Edited February 14, 2021 by SSE

[pepperbird2]

8 hours ago, SSE said:

Thank you for your loving words @pepperbird2and @Beca L

The hard part for me are my thoughts. He wasn’t a warm and caring person towards me, but I have no idea how he behaves towards his wife and children. Maybe he’s a very warm person there, but just not to me because (in his eyes) I was only the sidepiece to have sex with.

I managed to stop looking at social media. Those happy family pics made me really sad. Seemed the total opposite of what I was told. I know a picture doesn’t necessarily tell how a person feels or how someone is as a person, but seeing those was hard. Especially when you know I wasn’t allowed to take a picture with him.

It’s kind of creepy if a person would have two personalities, but maybe that’s possible. Warm towards people that matter and cold towards people they can use for their own benefit. And I try to tell myself that this behavior is a reflection of his character and not my worth. That any girl he would have met would be treated like I was (or that’s what I hope at least).

The human mind is a powerful thing. Those thoughts I listed above make it difficult for me. Maybe I didn’t dodge a bullet and is the MM a great catch if he loves you. He’s just not that into me. However that doesn’t give him the right to use me like that. So maybe he’s not that great of a person. A couple of days later I would think he is a great person and that I want to be with him. But then I also realize that if the divorce miracle would happen and the second miracle would occur that he would come to me for a real relationship, I would be so scared in that relationship. Scared for a lot of more pain. He’s no trustworthy person. That’s no way of living. But on other days that feeling of ‘love’ for him pops up and I think otherwise. My mind is very conflicting and that makes this hard. Because eventually I want to open my heart again for someone else. Maybe I just need to make my mind up that there's just no future, great person or not. Too much is broken. 

Where is this guy? I'd like to give him a swift kick in the "gentleman's department" for how he's treated you. 🤮😡

On a serious note, please don't judge your worth based on him. His issues re: honesty have nothing to do with you, beyond that you are a trusting person, willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. That's not a bad thing at all, but you just have to be a bit more choosy.

I'm just a stranger on the internet but I can see you have a lot of value...I think we all can. If he can't see that, it's on him. Keep up with working on yourself and try not to let him sidetrack you. It sounds to me like you have a huge and loyal heart with a lot of love to give-don't waste it on him!

As for the photo of him and his wife, I've been the BS an stood in her shoes. If she's smiling and looks happy in the photo, it just speaks to his ability to compartmentalize. Some people can do that. They are able to keep everyone in their own "box", which they can take on and off they shelf as they see fit. He may "love" her and "love" you, in as much as he is capable of loving anyone, but that doesn't mean his love is worth a hill of beans. Real love doesn't make the object of it miserable. His "love" is very self centred and all about him. He may have sensed a vulnerability in you and exploited that. I know it may not seem like it now, but in the end, you're the lucky one. You can pick up your life and leave him in the dust. His wife is bound to him by marriage, children,  family and so much more.

[Snakesalive]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

His "love" is very self centred and all about him. He may have sensed a vulnerability in you and exploited that.

What a lovely post thankyou for sharing

. I’d agree wholeheartedly with this point about being self centred too -my ex focused on telling me how he was getting his life back on track when he called me last week with very little asking about how I was or really listening to my answers , the majority of the conversation was about him during which he he also said he didn’t regret our relationship as if that was somehow supposed to make things better. 

When I called him out on what I saw as his selfish behaviour he said the main reason for calling was to “ justify “ why he discarded me and couldn’t handle a relationship  ( we had both separated from our partners and moved in together)  the fact he felt he had to “justify” it was an interesting choice of words to me . 
 

[DKT3]

5 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

What a lovely post thankyou for sharing

. I’d agree wholeheartedly with this point about being self centred too -my ex focused on telling me how he was getting his life back on track when he called me last week with very little asking about how I was or really listening to my answers , the majority of the conversation was about him during which he he also said he didn’t regret our relationship as if that was somehow supposed to make things better. 

When I called him out on what I saw as his selfish behaviour he said the main reason for calling was to “ justify “ why he discarded me and couldn’t handle a relationship  ( we had both separated from our partners and moved in together)  the fact he felt he had to “justify” it was an interesting choice of words to me . 
 

I sense some bitterness in your posts. I would guess its not only the rejection but also the fact you walked away from your marriage and he is now back in his.

 

[Beca L]

7 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I sense some bitterness in your posts. I would guess its not only the rejection but also the fact you walked away from your marriage and he is now back in his.

 

I don't think he is, he's just decided not to proceed in a relationship with @Snakesalive

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

He may "love" her and "love" you, in as much as he is capable of loving anyone, but that doesn't mean his love is worth a hill of beans

so true, the best love is self love. @SSEplease don't let this man and what he did to you define you. You are worth more, leave him to his dysfunctional life and his poor wife, who has no idea who she is married to. He will not treat her any better, remember that. You realise that he has shown you who he is by his actions and you need to believe him. If he left his wife for you I don't believe he would treat you better, he just doesn't have the capacity for real love or empathy. Stay strong, stay in NC and hopefully things will improve. (((hugs)))

[Snakesalive]

24 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I sense some bitterness in your posts. I would guess its not only the rejection but also the fact you walked away from your marriage and he is now back in his.

 

He’s not back in his marriage he’s living alone -he decided he couldn’t deal with the reality of a relationship where his kids weren’t talking to him . Bitter? I’d say working on being Better not  bitter . In the sense it’s better to find out someone isn’t the person you thought they were rather than to invest more time in them . 

Edited February 14, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Beca L]

23 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

my ex focused on telling me how he was getting his life back on track when he called me last week with very little asking about how I was or really listening to my answers , the majority of the conversation was about him during which he he also said he didn’t regret our relationship as if that was somehow supposed to make things better. 

This sounds very familiar, it happened to me so many times. Lots of messages about how sad he was etc, he'd argued with wife blah blah blah. I once said to him, look back at your message to me they are mainly 'I' this and 'I' that. There were very few 'you's' in them !!! That tells you everything. I think my messages were the opposite, lots of 'you's'   eg 'How are you? I miss you, are you ok ?why have you done this? are you happy? etc 

[DKT3]

8 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

He’s not back in his marriage he’s living alone -he decided he couldn’t deal with the reality of a relationship where his kids weren’t talking to him . Bitter? I’d say working on being Better not  bitter . In the sense it’s better to find out someone isn’t the person you thought they were rather than to invest more time in them . 

I hadn't really followed your story that closely,  sorry for the confusion.  However,  it only slightly changes my semi-question. Ultimately you still walked away likely based on the idea of being with him (mw never admit that btw, even though most that leave, leave to be with the mm as opposed to leaving the husband) and it didn't work.  

[Snakesalive]

23 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I hadn't really followed your story that closely,  sorry for the confusion.  However,  it only slightly changes my semi-question. Ultimately you still walked away likely based on the idea of being with him (mw never admit that btw, even though most that leave, leave to be with the mm as opposed to leaving the husband) and it didn't work.  

 

 

Edited February 14, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Luna66star]

I wanted to add to your post about MM and what " they tell you'", opposed to "what is real".

We believe what we want to believe and we give people's words the benefit of the doubt.  I'm very trusting (too much so) thinking there is always good in everyone.  There usually is.  Yet we have to put that aside and examine who we are dealing with.  A lier.  A part of me wanted so badly to believe what I was hearing because I needed it so badly.  Unfortunately it came back to bite me in the form of heartbreak and suffering.  I blamed myself the most as I participated in this ridiculous situation.  It's hard to forgive yourself at first or even feel you are worthy of any man.

Keeping your guard up with all men is fine up to a point. It can prevent you from fully opening your heart for more suitable men.  It's a struggle.  

I've learned to keep my emotions in check and first evaluate the man from a more logical perspective.  Ticking off all the boxes that show he's not attached or emotionally unavailable - are the first ones.

Trying to figure MM out is akin to jumping in to a maze of flying colors and not knowing where to start.

[Beca L]

4 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

I'm very trusting (too much so) thinking there is always good in everyone. 

Ditto, even now when I think about things that my xmm said to me and i completely believed at the time (they may have been true) however I'm not sure any more. I too believed what I wanted to believe. 

 

7 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

It's hard to forgive yourself at first or even feel you are worthy of any man.

I'm working at it but I'm getting there, hope you have too. I feel that I've stopped being so angry with him and what happened but I do have massive regrets about how I dealt with the situation when he first left me and went back. I so wish I had just wished him goodbye and refused to engage any further with him. I was so desperate in the beginning pleading and begging. That is my biggest regret, I should have been stronger.

 

18 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

I've learned to keep my emotions in check and first evaluate the man from a more logical perspective.  Ticking off all the boxes that show he's not attached or emotionally unavailable - are the first ones.

 

Will keep this in mind, thanks. 

[Snakesalive]

11 hours ago, Beca L said:

I'm working at it but I'm getting there, hope you have too. I feel that I've stopped being so angry with him and what happened but I do have massive regrets about how I dealt with the situation when he first left me and went back. I so wish I had just wished him goodbye and refused to engage any further with him. I was so desperate in the beginning pleading and begging. That is my biggest regret, I should have been stronger.

Dealing with regret is hard but please try not to berate yourself too much. At the time If you could have done better you would have done better.  
You’re only human and were in trauma -I think you said he left without warning  so it must’ve come as an awful shock . You reacted in a way that many of us would-you were fighting for a relationship you were happy in and saw a future in . 
 If  you had just said goodbye  and been stronger you might now be regretting  that too maybe thinking you could have done more or fought harder ? Who knows -we do what we do at the time and I’m sure we’d have all done things differently with the benefit of hindsight  and without the enormous emotional pull of our hearts .

You are strong and you’ve  demonstrated that many times over the last year .  Xo

Edited February 15, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Snakesalive]

13 hours ago, Beca L said:

11 hours ago, Luna66star said:

We believe what we want to believe and we give people's words the benefit of the doubt. 

Agree I am guilty of this . I didn’t know until recently he had an issue with recreational drugs in the past -he says he used them to cover the loneliness in his marriage . I gave him the benefit of the doubt and realise now this was stupid -he tells me he’s not using anything anymore as if that proves his reasons for using  them before  are true . Forgive me if I’m sceptical....

Edited February 15, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

I think you said he left without warning  so it must’ve come as an awful shock .

He did and it was. 

 

2 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

If  you had just said goodbye  and been stronger you might now be regretting  that too maybe thinking you could have done more or fought harder ?

I think you are right, I guess at the time I just couldn't believe that after all we'd been through that he could just throw in the towel without even discussing things with me first. I recognise now that he did exactly the same to his wife, he left her and just started a relationship with me. She begged and pleaded for months and he just ignored her. When he did try yo speak to her it always escalated in to a shouting match, aggression or even violence (from her) so he just avoided it all together. I can see now that he wasn't going to be any different in the way he  handled our break up. Anyway no point going over the past, these last few weeks have been tough and I seem to have taken a step back in my recovery which is upsetting. Lock down is not helping and I miss being with other adults, I seem to have nothing to distract me from thoughts of him and what happened. I know it's all down to me but I think some people are just better at moving on than others. I guess it depends what you have going on in your life to distract you. I know it's all down to me.