My boyfriend has pictures I took of him on a Tinder profile: I feel so hurt and pained

[pattisolonely]

My BF  and I have only been together a couple months, but have known him  for 3 years. We met on Tinder. Recently, I have found some information that made me question his honesty and faithfulness. Tonight, I logged into his Tinder on my phone (I deleted mine the second we officially started dating, but I guess he didn’t) and found that some of his profile pictures were pictures I had taken of him. There were no recent messages with any girls, but the fact that he had it while we are together  just breaks my heart into pieces. I don’t know how to bring this up to him. I just don’t know what to do.

[Atwood]

He's uploaded new profile pics on Tinder whilst you've been dating and you're logging into his dating profiles behind his back. This is a lot of deception and mistrust, and isn't the basis of a healthy relationship. Did you log in because you've been noticing red flags? 

You can't undo what's happened now, so in your situation I'd probably say "did you ever delete Tinder btw?" and see if he lied to me. He might say "actually no, I put up some recent pictures because I really like the photos you took, but I wouldn't ever speak to anybody on there". Or he'll lie to your face. Context always matters. He might not realise that deleting tinder is part of the relationship ritual, and may be treating it as a form of social media. Or he's leaving it open just in case someone comes along. My point is, it could be anything or it could be something - what we know for certain is that you don't trust him and you should explore the reasons why before you invest in this relationship further. It's only been a couple of months, don't force yourself to stay in a relationship with no trust if you can't get past this. 

[josedelamuerte]

That's rough. Sorry to hear it.

I'd definitely bring it up with him, and see what he has to say. Sometimes a fight can cause people to "update their resume" in this way, even if they're happy in the relationship in general. He's probably going to ask, so I'll beat him to it: why were you on his Tinder? Did you have a fight, so you were feeling insecure in the relationship and gathering intel?

I guess there's one silver lining here, and that's that you apparently take some great Instagram worthy photos. Also - people usually choose photos in which they're happy or in-their-element, which would lead me to believe that that's how he felt around you when those pictures were taken.

Be strong.

[pattisolonely]

i have been suspecting him that he was cheating on me because he receive strange calls and he would never pick his calls or run to his car to take calls...i just need someone to talk to now. 

[pattisolonely]

yes i deleted tinder when we started seeing each other, i just need someone to talk to.

Edited February 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed request for personal contact.

[elaine567]

36 minutes ago, pattisolonely said:

Tonight, I logged into his Tinder on my phone... and found that some of his profile pictures were pictures I had taken of him

There is nothing to discuss here.
His behaviour is appalling, he is looking for another woman and has the cheek to use the pics you took in order to do it.
No "boyfriend" acts like this.
Walk away and never look back.
You may have known him for 3 years but he is no friend of yours.

[josedelamuerte]

3 minutes ago, pattisolonely said:

i have been suspecting him that he was cheating on me because he receive strange calls and he would never pick his calls or run to his car to take calls...i just need someone to talk to now. 

I usually choose to believe the best about people, but this doesn't paint a very good picture.

Confront him about it. These are all reasonable causes to be suspicious.

[pattisolonely]

thanks for your advice , i already made up my mind . i am looking for  someone that would love me and be honest with me . just that its hard to find these days.

Edited February 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, pattisolonely said:

I logged into his Tinder on my phone (I deleted mine the second we officially started dating, but I guess he didn’t) and found that some of his profile pictures were pictures I had taken of him. 

Sorry this is happening. At 8 weeks in, are you exclusive?

How did you know each other 3 years ago?

It's good you came across this, what made you look into this?

Why do you have the password to his Tinder account?

End it. You believed you were exclusive so clearly there's a lack of honest communication.

No stop texting. Unless you want to admit you hacked into his account, just tell him "you're not a good match", then delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Edited February 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

You just sit him down & talk to him face to face.  Do not try to address this over text message.  You need the 90% communication that is non-verbal when the stakes are this high & the subject this emotional.

You need to tell him you snooped & that you are upset that he's adding new pictures.  Gage his reaction.  If it's anything other than remorse for having hurt you by actively seeking other women, you need to break up with him because he doesn't want a relationship with you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, pattisolonely said:

My BF  and I have only been together a couple months, but have known him  for 3 years. We met on Tinder. Recently, I have found some information that made me question his honesty and faithfulness. Tonight, I logged into his Tinder on my phone (I deleted mine the second we officially started dating, but I guess he didn’t) and found that some of his profile pictures were pictures I had taken of him. There were no recent messages with any girls, but the fact that he had it while we are together  just breaks my heart into pieces. I don’t know how to bring this up to him. I just don’t know what to do.

It would be best to open your own thread, Patti. 

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, josedelamuerte said:

I usually choose to believe the best about people, but this doesn't paint a very good picture.

Confront him about it. These are all reasonable causes to be suspicious.

And what "reasonable cause" could he possibly have for doing what he is doing?
Confronting him about it will only evoke a whole series of lies and excuses.
Why bother?
He has shown her who he really is.

[pattisolonely]

thanks for  the advice , i am down and hurt.

Edited February 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal contact information.

[JAKE022]

5 hours ago, pattisolonely said:

My BF  and I have only been together a couple months, but have known him  for 3 years. We met on Tinder. Recently, I have found some information that made me question his honesty and faithfulness. Tonight, I logged into his Tinder on my phone (I deleted mine the second we officially started dating, but I guess he didn’t) and found that some of his profile pictures were pictures I had taken of him. There were no recent messages with any girls, but the fact that he had it while we are together  just breaks my heart into pieces. I don’t know how to bring this up to him. I just don’t know what to do.

Sorry to hear that Patti, but i think you deserve better, doesnt matter if you have had worse times recently or not, cheating is unacceptable, and putting new pictures on tinder shows that he is willing to do that, 

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

And what "reasonable cause" could he possibly have for doing what he is doing?
Confronting him about it will only evoke a whole series of lies and excuses.
Why bother?
He has shown her who he really is.

Agree with elaine.  These extremely early stages (and two months is extremely early imo) are not for confronting or discussing needs.  It's the time to observe whether or not he is the right person for you long term, assuming you are seeking a long term relationship.

Observe his actions (he should be doing same re your actions) and if they don't align with the qualities you desire in a romantic partner, wish him well and walk.  

It's disappointing, but you'll survive.  

 

Edited February 4, 2021 by poppyfields

[foolmetwice88]

11 hours ago, pattisolonely said:

My BF  and I have only been together a couple months, but have known him  for 3 years. We met on Tinder. Recently, I have found some information that made me question his honesty and faithfulness. Tonight, I logged into his Tinder on my phone (I deleted mine the second we officially started dating, but I guess he didn’t) and found that some of his profile pictures were pictures I had taken of him. There were no recent messages with any girls, but the fact that he had it while we are together  just breaks my heart into pieces. I don’t know how to bring this up to him. I just don’t know what to do.

Sorry to hear this... I've been dealing with a cheating significant other and it is not easy. Don't give them an inch or they will see you as weak and feel as if they can get away with it

[smackie9]

You had suspected something because his behavior is off...gosh running to his car to talk on the phone! And you see he used YOUR photos that you took to update his active dating profile...there is nothing left to do but tell him you have known about it, and are booting him to the curb.

[kendahke]

12 hours ago, pattisolonely said:

My BF  and I have only been together a couple months,

I logged into his Tinder on my phone 

some of his profile pictures were pictures I had taken of him.

I have found some information that made me question his honesty and faithfulness.

Neither of you are trustworthy... you're snooping behind his back and he's still fishing behind your back.

This has outlived its usefulness, unless you're now just DTF.

I dont' think he's serious about you... despite what he says to hoist his butt out of hot water.  Maybe never was, but was good to go along for the ride.

Despite "knowing him" for 3 years, it would appear that you actually only know what he wanted you to know about him. You didn't know that he's the sort who does this kind of thing.

Quote

i am looking for  someone that would love me and be honest with me . just that its hard to find these days.

Make sure they don't mind you logging into their accounts behind their backs or you'll be back at square 1.

Edited February 4, 2021 by kendahke

[Ruby Slippers]

He's not a good guy. I'd move on immediately. 

[trident_2020]

14 hours ago, Atwood said:

He might say "actually no, I put up some recent pictures because I really like the photos you took, but I wouldn't ever speak to anybody on there".

How is this even a reasonable answer? Why would someone in an exclusive relationship upload new pictures to a dating profile just because they like them? That's what Facebook is for.

I must be missing something because your post got 3 likes I'd really like to figure this one out because I'm scratching my head over here.

[StrongHands]

15 hours ago, pattisolonely said:

thanks for your advice , i already made up my mind . i am looking for  someone that would love me and be honest with me . just that its hard to find these days.

Patti, I hope that you find the person you are looking for and that he turns out to be everything you want and need.  I am sure this particular guy was the right fit nor that he had the right intentions where you are concerned

[josedelamuerte]

18 hours ago, elaine567 said:

And what "reasonable cause" could he possibly have for doing what he is doing?

 

7 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

Why would someone in an exclusive relationship upload new pictures to a dating profile just because they like them?

Seeing as how you're both asking, let me dust off the old imagination for a minute:

Ever been in a fight with a partner? A really bad one? Stuff gets thrown around - hurtful words, objects etc.

You remove yourself from the situation thinking "Gawd I hate this person, I never want to see them again".

Well, suppose this guy did that, and in that turbulent frame of mind logged into his Tinder account and updated his pictures.

Later that night she calls him up and apologizes. They have great make-up sex and they carry on their relationship, pictures changed and all.

To me that seems super plausible, but hey - I'm an optimist. Doesn't explain the mysterious driveway phonecalls, but I'll leave that to his attorneys. Was probably arranging her surprise birthday party 😉

[Atwood]

9 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

How is this even a reasonable answer? Why would someone in an exclusive relationship upload new pictures to a dating profile just because they like them? That's what Facebook is for.

I must be missing something because your post got 3 likes I'd really like to figure this one out because I'm scratching my head over here.

I totally agree with you and I would not be cool with it. My intention was to explain that other people's motives are a mystery to us and that it's no good trying to guess at it, because people very often surprise you with completely illogical explanations (or they gaslight you like "ohhh no yeah I'm on Tinder but I just use it like social media" and make you feel crazy for being bothered by it)

It doesn't mean it's reasonable or acceptable, it just means that we shouldn't put too much weight into the excuses we're given if we don't even trust them, you know? I hope that makes sense. I see why my post is confusing. 

Edited February 5, 2021 by Atwood

[michaelwilson]

That's a rough thing. I know your feelings as I had almost the same situation with my gf a couple years ago. We were arguing for 2 days and I found a Tinder at her phone where she already had some messages from boys. We didn't even break up ! Be strong!

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, josedelamuerte said:

Ever been in a fight with a partner? A really bad one? Stuff gets thrown around - hurtful words, objects etc.

You remove yourself from the situation thinking "Gawd I hate this person, I never want to see them again".

Well, suppose this guy did that, and in that turbulent frame of mind logged into his Tinder account and updated his pictures.

Yeah, no. Just no. 

With all due respect, that is a very poor excuse to update one's dating profile. 

You break up with the person if you're that upset after a fight. Not run to update your profile.