Feel like i'm going crazy

[Whaatamidoing]

Can I have some help please? I know this will likely divide opinion but does anyone else feel so completely happy in their situation one day and then swing to a cant handle it moment the next. My MM is not a talker- he was when we first started this but this disappeared when we thought it was more serious- a way of dealing with guilt perhaps.

I'm having one of those weeks when I'm really struggling with what I think is jealousy but I cannot be quite sure.

Bit of background, we have been doing this for over 7 year- I know, i know! We work together closely, as in co-own a business. When we first did this I had no interaction with his wife which suited me fine. Why would I need to have anything to do with her? I know I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing with her husband but this isn't why I am here. He gave me the same lines they all do 7 years ago, they don't connect, they don't have sex, blah blah lie, lie, lie. I get that he was trying it on, anyway, one way or another we have stayed involved all this time, to the point where we have told each other we love each other and we act like a couple behind closed doors, Monday to Friday 9-5. 

A few years ago they as a family moved to their dream home (dagger to the heart) I dealt with it, he's obviously not leaving her. Since then, she seems to be a permanent fixture in my life, she calls him so many times a day, I'm talking like every time she has a moment to ask things or tell him about her day or ask him about his. I end up hearing the other side of the conversation and he always hangs up and then pretty much tells me the conversation again, which i don't want to hear. His hours are dependent on hers so how much i see him depends on her working hours so already the first thing we discuss in the morning his what he is doing based on her schedule, we then get into work and I think Ill just do some mind numbing accounting, take out invoices to look at and she's been to our suppliers and bought stuff, so again I'm faced with what colour paint she's doing the living room or what alterations they are making at home (we are construction). Then he comes in and she rings him immediately so I have to hear about all that side of things.
Am i being totally selfish that my working day shouldn't involve her?! I get that I'm involved with him when i shouldn't be but when he's at home, i don't contact him or ring him or anything. 

I hear a lot of affairs where the woman didn't even know he had a wife. 

I sent him a text yesterday morning just saying that I'm struggling with being the bit on the side, i don't need to hear details of their life which it is clear I am very much not a part of and I'm happy that he's happy but its really hard being the other woman and I'm not clear why he thinks its ok to share what a wonderful life hes having with her, with me when he wont even tell her I'm involved in some work projects where I've working Saturdays because she wouldn't like it (Literally work, nothing more). Surprise Surprise no reply- his usual response to a difficult question.

 I just feel like with the business I am working to give her a better retirement and Ill just be left when he's earnt a suitable amount of money. 

Why is it so important to protect her feelings but not mine? I'm not clear that jealous is what I'm feeling, could it be that he's showing me a severe lack of respect, like my feelings aren't a thing in this, as long as he's getting what he wants and his wife is happy so he gets an easier time at home it really doesn't matter about me?

Any thoughts anyone?

 

[Blind-Sided]

You aren't feeling "Jealousy".  You are feeling heart broken as you have found out that you were just the "Side Chick."   I know that's hard to hear, but it's the truth of it. You knew that dating a married guy that you could wind up in that situation.  And, as I say all the time... you know he is a cheater... do you really want to build a life with him?

Anyway... I'm sorry that you are in this position, but you need to break it off with him.  AND... probably move on from whatever work you are doing with him.  If it's a partnership... then tell him he needs to buy you out.

[Starswillshine]

In any relationship, you get what you accept. It doesn't matter if you are a AP or a wife. If you aren't happy with things the way they are, demand change or YOU change the situation. This doesn't change regardless of the type of relationship you are in. 

Of course, as an AP... you are expected to demand less and accept less. And usually AP put up with it because that is the only way to be with their MP. So.. decide are you going to waste more of your life giving to a man who does not really give to you? Who is investing all his future into someone else? This has been 7 years already. 

[josedelamuerte]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Why is it so important to protect her feelings but not mine?

Because she's his wife. You're not.

Her - he needs to keep happy.

You - are expendable.

I know it's harsh, but it's also true.

[Wiseman2]

Does she know you're the mistress? You need to let her know.

That way all the cards are on the table and all three of you can decide what to do.

Why would only you and the cheater know the truth? Maybe she'll turn a blind eye, maybe he'll dump you. It's a toss up.

Edited February 4, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Whaatamidoing]

I know how off this situation is, not being able to express myself has been eating me up. I would like a little more respect, I know i expect and accept less than I would if this was real but I stupidly thought he would respect me a little more because of the situation.

I realise that I am expendable and I suppose this is why I accept so little.

A big part of me wants to move on, but its a complete life upheaval for me, not just in terms of the cycle I have become addicted to but my job, my friends kids go to the school where she is Principal and I just feel like without moving on and very far away I wont be able to shake him or her. He weaved me into his life as a convenience and I just cant believe I have let him.

I could handle the situation better and I did when he didnt put his happy relationship in my face. When she did a job where she couldn't call 100 times a day, life was easier for me.

I couldn't tell her, partly because he would choose her everyday of the week over me and partly because I don't yet feel I could betray his trust. I am often confused as to why he bothers with me, she has a good job, she earns a lot of money, she always calls him asking him how he is. I dont try to contact him all the time because it must be exhausting. I just feel like im the wife and shes the bit on the side getting all the attention. Its so backwards.

Heart break is probably what Im feeling- its happening before I am ready to let go. Its like my head needs to have a conversation with my heart.

 

[josedelamuerte]

38 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Its like my head needs to have a conversation with my heart.

Ain't that how it always goes...

39 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

my friends kids go to the school where she is Principal

I don't really see how this would be a problem if you were to untangle yourself from this man's life.

I wholeheartedly second looking for a new job. You don't have to move far away. Far enough so you won't bump into each other on the street.

This could be a great new start for you.

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

1) I am often confused as to why he bothers with me, she has a good job, she earns a lot of money, she always calls him asking him how he is.....

2) I just feel like im the wife and shes the bit on the side getting all the attention. Its so backwards.

3) Heart break is probably what Im feeling- its happening before I am ready to let go. Its like my head needs to have a conversation with my heart.

 

1) Easy.... he's horny, and doesn't REALLY care about the people around him.  He uses people to get what he needs. You need to come to grips that's he's really not a good guy.  Now... the reason she is calling him more than she use to is... she may have a feeling that he is cheating, and by calling him... she is passively keeping tabs on him... and inducing guilt.

2) Well... that's a total illusion you have built in your head.  You have built a good life, and filled in more of the relationship than really exists. In your first post... you said... "I'm the wife 9 to 5."  So regardless of the story he told you... he has always gone home to HIS WIFE. (and does family stuff with her) You really need to break the illusion of this.

3) Yep... I agree.

I wish you peace in moving forward. (Without him)

Edited February 4, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Blind-Sided]

Just one last bit of my random thoughts....

You have spent 7 years of your life, chasing someone you can't really have.  Isn't that long enough?  How much older do you need to get, before finding someone who will really love you... not cheat on you... actually want to be with you... and have a life WITH YOU???

I know this didn't come up... but I'm assuming you don't have kids.  Now, I don't know how old you are... but eventually... if you want kids, and a family... you may not get it.  Guys of a certain age don't want to start a "Family" because they either already have kids, or like the single life. I know that after my divorce... I found several nice girls, that were 8 to 10 years younger than me (so late 30's) and wanted kids badly.  I'm late 40's, and have 2 kids.  I don't want to be changing diapers this late in life. And, while I really connected with a couple of them... I had to walk away because that was not part of my life plan.  

Just because you like/love someone, doesn't mean you are compatible to be life partners. 

Let that sink in for a little while... and know you need to move on. (Regardless if it hurts or not.  And we all know it does) 

Edited February 4, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[pepperbird2]

3 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Can I have some help please? I know this will likely divide opinion but does anyone else feel so completely happy in their situation one day and then swing to a cant handle it moment the next. My MM is not a talker- he was when we first started this but this disappeared when we thought it was more serious- a way of dealing with guilt perhaps.

I'm having one of those weeks when I'm really struggling with what I think is jealousy but I cannot be quite sure.

Bit of background, we have been doing this for over 7 year- I know, i know! We work together closely, as in co-own a business. When we first did this I had no interaction with his wife which suited me fine. Why would I need to have anything to do with her? I know I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing with her husband but this isn't why I am here. He gave me the same lines they all do 7 years ago, they don't connect, they don't have sex, blah blah lie, lie, lie. I get that he was trying it on, anyway, one way or another we have stayed involved all this time, to the point where we have told each other we love each other and we act like a couple behind closed doors, Monday to Friday 9-5. 

A few years ago they as a family moved to their dream home (dagger to the heart) I dealt with it, he's obviously not leaving her. Since then, she seems to be a permanent fixture in my life, she calls him so many times a day, I'm talking like every time she has a moment to ask things or tell him about her day or ask him about his. I end up hearing the other side of the conversation and he always hangs up and then pretty much tells me the conversation again, which i don't want to hear. His hours are dependent on hers so how much i see him depends on her working hours so already the first thing we discuss in the morning his what he is doing based on her schedule, we then get into work and I think Ill just do some mind numbing accounting, take out invoices to look at and she's been to our suppliers and bought stuff, so again I'm faced with what colour paint she's doing the living room or what alterations they are making at home (we are construction). Then he comes in and she rings him immediately so I have to hear about all that side of things.
Am i being totally selfish that my working day shouldn't involve her?! I get that I'm involved with him when i shouldn't be but when he's at home, i don't contact him or ring him or anything. 

I hear a lot of affairs where the woman didn't even know he had a wife. 

I sent him a text yesterday morning just saying that I'm struggling with being the bit on the side, i don't need to hear details of their life which it is clear I am very much not a part of and I'm happy that he's happy but its really hard being the other woman and I'm not clear why he thinks its ok to share what a wonderful life hes having with her, with me when he wont even tell her I'm involved in some work projects where I've working Saturdays because she wouldn't like it (Literally work, nothing more). Surprise Surprise no reply- his usual response to a difficult question.

 I just feel like with the business I am working to give her a better retirement and Ill just be left when he's earnt a suitable amount of money. 

Why is it so important to protect her feelings but not mine? I'm not clear that jealous is what I'm feeling, could it be that he's showing me a severe lack of respect, like my feelings aren't a thing in this, as long as he's getting what he wants and his wife is happy so he gets an easier time at home it really doesn't matter about me?

Any thoughts anyone?

 

OP,

All you can do is look at what he's showing you about who he is at heart.

I know you may not want to hear this, but if you want to see what kind of guy he is, look at how he treats his wife. I fully expect he goes home at the end of the day and tells her he loves her. they make plans together, go places together and have what she blindly believes is a happy, monogamous relationship. Meanwhile, he's been cheating on her for seven years without any scruple. 

I'm not asking you to feel sorry for her, just pointing out what he is capable of. Every day, he likely looks her in the eyes, sleeps with her and they go about their lives all while and tells her he loves her. Meanwhile, hes been seeing you for seven years.

THAT is who he is. He's doing the same to you. That's because it's not really about you, or her or anyone else but him. He's a user, and I'm sorry, but the idea that he could be with you all this time and not know that it's hurting you also shows you who he really is. It makes me want to tell him off on your behalf. How can he treat you that way?

Is this how you want to spend the next seven years of your life?
 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I could handle the situation better and I did when he didnt put his happy relationship in my face. When she did a job where she couldn't call 100 times a day, life was easier for me.

Indeed. It was much more convenient for you to carry on your relationship with your work husband (“we have told each other we love each other and we act like a couple behind closed doors, Monday to Friday 9-5”) when his wife wasn’t calling throughout the day. 

It is a fantasy you have built here. You are angry at his wife for interfering in your happy future. You are angry at this man for choosing her over you - buying a dream home, protecting her feelings not yours. 

The simple truth is - you are the interloper here. You say that you know that but you apparently don’t accept that or you wouldn’t be complaining about his wife’s presence in your lives. 

Girl, you got to get real. Your lives are intertwined in ways that are not healthy for you. You are in deep here and it’s going to be a real challenge to make this better. 

Edited February 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[notbroken]

What a mess.  Unfortunately, you need to exit the business and forget this guy as best as possible.   If you don't, you will be 'rolling in the pain' every day of your life.   Move on.  Never get involved with married men.   You've been paying heavily for your mistakes.  When you are in a hole, quit digging.  The way for you to quit digging is to quit seeing a married man.  

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I just feel like im the wife and shes the bit on the side getting all the attention. Its so backwards.

Exactly. It’s backwards. 

3 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I could handle the situation better and I did when he didnt put his happy relationship in my face.

Is he actually flaunting his happy relationship, or is he just living his family life?

Sure, he could try to keep his family life separate. But, is he really serving you if he propagates this fantasy life you’ve created? 

[Whaatamidoing]

Wow. Honesty is what I needed and a reality check is what I got. 

I didnt really look at what I had created as a fantasy but I see where you are all coming from.
How do you purposefully disconnect with someone whom you feel so connected to and so similar to?! 

I know the clock is ticking as you point out and I think that is in my mind that I likely do need to find someone who will love me and make a family with me before its too late.

Its hard to see how toxic something is when you are right in the middle of it.

Lately the more I am with him, the more I realise I love him but I dont like him. I used to be completely blindsided by him but more and more lately I am seeing him for what he is. 

Yes her interference has made me mad but I think its in a heartbreak kind of realisation way. I need to end it and my brain is perhaps taking over but this is a massive thing to do. He slips back into his untouched life and mine has to be completely rebuilt. Im normally pretty savvy and I cannot believe I am where I am, I think I thought this would have a very different ending for a very long time. Its very sad really.

[Snakesalive]

8 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Can I have some help please? I know this will likely divide opinion but does anyone else feel so completely happy in their situation one day and then swing to a cant handle it moment the next. My MM is not a talker- he was when we first started this but this disappeared when we thought it was more serious- a way of dealing with guilt perhaps.

I'm having one of those weeks when I'm really struggling with what I think is jealousy but I cannot be quite sure.

Bit of background, we have been doing this for over 7 year- I know, i know! We work together closely, as in co-own a business. When we first did this I had no interaction with his wife which suited me fine. Why would I need to have anything to do with her? I know I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing with her husband but this isn't why I am here. He gave me the same lines they all do 7 years ago, they don't connect, they don't have sex, blah blah lie, lie, lie. I get that he was trying it on, anyway, one way or another we have stayed involved all this time, to the point where we have told each other we love each other and we act like a couple behind closed doors, Monday to Friday 9-5. 

A few years ago they as a family moved to their dream home (dagger to the heart) I dealt with it, he's obviously not leaving her. Since then, she seems to be a permanent fixture in my life, she calls him so many times a day, I'm talking like every time she has a moment to ask things or tell him about her day or ask him about his. I end up hearing the other side of the conversation and he always hangs up and then pretty much tells me the conversation again, which i don't want to hear. His hours are dependent on hers so how much i see him depends on her working hours so already the first thing we discuss in the morning his what he is doing based on her schedule, we then get into work and I think Ill just do some mind numbing accounting, take out invoices to look at and she's been to our suppliers and bought stuff, so again I'm faced with what colour paint she's doing the living room or what alterations they are making at home (we are construction). Then he comes in and she rings him immediately so I have to hear about all that side of things.
Am i being totally selfish that my working day shouldn't involve her?! I get that I'm involved with him when i shouldn't be but when he's at home, i don't contact him or ring him or anything. 

I hear a lot of affairs where the woman didn't even know he had a wife. 

I sent him a text yesterday morning just saying that I'm struggling with being the bit on the side, i don't need to hear details of their life which it is clear I am very much not a part of and I'm happy that he's happy but its really hard being the other woman and I'm not clear why he thinks its ok to share what a wonderful life hes having with her, with me when he wont even tell her I'm involved in some work projects where I've working Saturdays because she wouldn't like it (Literally work, nothing more). Surprise Surprise no reply- his usual response to a difficult question.

 I just feel like with the business I am working to give her a better retirement and Ill just be left when he's earnt a suitable amount of money. 

Why is it so important to protect her feelings but not mine? I'm not clear that jealous is what I'm feeling, could it be that he's showing me a severe lack of respect, like my feelings aren't a thing in this, as long as he's getting what he wants and his wife is happy so he gets an easier time at home it really doesn't matter about me?

Any thoughts anyone?

 

My heart breaks for you because I’ve been there and know so well how you feel. I also know how hard and overwhelming it feels to end this relationship. I wish I i could tell you it won’t hurt like hell but please don’t let this fear of hurting stop you doing the only thing that will bring you peace in the long term -ending the relationship. 
 

I can only reiterate what I’ve already said in other posts which is that the man I thought loved me was an illusion. Real men that truly love  someone don’t treat people this way -it was only when my affair ended I realised the person he was - self centred, dismissive  a liar -to himself as well as me and weak. 

I so wish when I was where you are I would have been strong enough to walk away -you have the power whether you realise it or not and we’re all here to support you x

 

[Amethyst68]

31 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

her interference has made me mad

She's not interfering in anything, she's living her day to day life with her husband, she's not aware of the fantasy you've built up where you're a couple with him during the working week. 

[Seliana]

32 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Wow. Honesty is what I needed and a reality check is what I got. 

I didnt really look at what I had created as a fantasy but I see where you are all coming from.
How do you purposefully disconnect with someone whom you feel so connected to and so similar to?! 

I know the clock is ticking as you point out and I think that is in my mind that I likely do need to find someone who will love me and make a family with me before its too late.

Its hard to see how toxic something is when you are right in the middle of it.

Lately the more I am with him, the more I realise I love him but I dont like him. I used to be completely blindsided by him but more and more lately I am seeing him for what he is. 

Yes her interference has made me mad but I think its in a heartbreak kind of realisation way. I need to end it and my brain is perhaps taking over but this is a massive thing to do. He slips back into his untouched life and mine has to be completely rebuilt. Im normally pretty savvy and I cannot believe I am where I am, I think I thought this would have a very different ending for a very long time. Its very sad really.

Your post pulled me out of the shadows, I often wondered how side chicks can accept pieces of a man, and trust a proven liar to tell the the "truth". For a "savvy" woman, you've been lying to yourself for 7 years and believing that a man who can lie to his wife and live a double life  is such a catch and you're so special to have caught his eye over her.

Good for you for finally realizing that you deserve better than to be someone's dirty little secret! I advise you to get some therapy and figure out why you put yourself in this situation and prepare you for the life you want. Hopefully the Karma bus won't get you too badly. Good luck!

 

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

  Now... the reason she is calling him more than she use to is... she may have a feeling that he is cheating, and by calling him... she is passively keeping tabs on him... and inducing guilt.

Maybe, but maybe he is encouraging his wife to keep calling him, in order to put some space between himself and the OP. 
Men in affairs walk a bit of a tightrope, they need to keep both women happy, without blowing up their marriages.
Other women who get too big for their boots and start assuming stuff or getting too ambitious as regards her place in his life, can need reining in and what better way to do it than have a  wife  who keeps it "real;" without him being the bad guy. 
These at work compartmentalised affairs can be very long lived, as the risks of being found out are minimised, but they don't tend to lead anywhere as it is no real love affair, it is a comfortable and convenient "arrangement".

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

How do you purposefully disconnect with someone whom you feel so connected to and so similar to?! 

You need to challenge the thought that you love each other, that he is somehow yours because you see him Monday to Friday from 9-5, and that his wife is some kind of inconvenient truth best ignored such that she can be forgotten about.

You create a list of truths - he is married to another woman, they share a home, a family, and a life together, its been seven years and he has not left his marriage so he is unlikely to ever leave to be with you, he lies to his wife about you every single day, and he used you at his convenience, without remorse, for years... 

Talk about a cold blanket. Life is a whole lot more complicated than “we are so connected, we have so much in common, and he makes me feel so good when we are together...” Reality can’t be ignored forever, it will intrude on your fantasy eventually and right now - it’s intruding as a call from his wife. 

I don’t know that you can stay in business with this man and move past this relationship, based on what you have described. This has been going on for far too long, and you are in really deep. This may be one of the situations where it take a really BIG change to break this pattern... you need to be really committed. 

Perhaps the first step is finding a counsellor for yourself. You have a lot of hard truths you need to deal with before you can begin to make the changes that will be necessary. Good luck.

[DKT3]

So you have been involved with a married man for 7 years who has shown no signs of being committed to you and your wondering about respect?

Look at it this way, would you become a stripper and then wonder why people see you as a sex object?

You've put yourself in a position that is inherently disrespectful.

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Life is a whole lot more complicated than “we are so connected, we have so much in common, and he makes me feel so good when we are together...”

Think of it this way... I’m sure he has much in common and feels very connected to his wife too.

[Whaatamidoing]

I think there is a lot of truth in him encouraging her, he gets to feel wanted by two women and I'm not sure that's offensive to any man. And double whammy it keeps me at arms length and keen.

I get how backwards it all sounds and I'm not proud of what I've done or am doing but I needed some help clarifying where I am and what I am feeling.

Its fine to say that the karma bus may find me but I'm not sure you've been in this position then. It already feels like karma has got me for something else and put me in this situation. I know I have put myself here but honestly I don't think any other woman expects to find herself where she does find herself. You can be completely swept away and I read so many times of the manipulation that men use to make us think this is special or that its unique and they make us feel like we really do get them, they say the don't connect with their wives, they say they don't sleep with their wives and I tell you its very hard to look at someone who is looking you directly in the eyes and believe that they are lying to you. Its not until other things come out that you realise that you're not special at all and it was all lies but sometimes you are then in very over your head.

I know I'm not unique and I have been trying to build the strength to tell him to leave me alone but when my whole life is built into his its hard to know where to start.

I realise I made it into a fantasy, something its not but I really believed it for a while. I'm heartbroken.

[Beca L]

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I feel your pain. You are being given great advise but ultimately it is down to you to make the change and start again.

This man only cares for himself, he treats both you and his wife terribly. he lies, he cheats. I'm sorry it is not love, if you love someone you do not treat the people you love this badly. Please open your eyes and see that you deserve better, know your worth, value yourself more. He is married, he is remaining in his marriage and he uses you to enable him to stay in that marriage. You are providing a role and he needs both of you to be fulfilled. 7 years is a very long time, you need to end this chapter of your life. I would advise that you sell your shares in the business and move on. You can do this ! 

[Beca L]

9 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

know I'm not unique and I have been trying to build the strength to tell him to leave me alone but when my whole life is built into his its hard to know where to start.

I realise I made it into a fantasy, something its not but I really believed it for a while. I'm heartbroken.

I do speak from experience and I was and still am in a way heartbroken but better to go through this now rather than invest more years and maybe marriage and kids. He is not a good egg, not by a long shot. It has been over 3 years since my xmm went back to his wife and I'm still not fully over it but I am getting there. We also work at the same place and he even teaches my kids but that has not stopped me moving on. You can do the same, I'm sure of it. I can understand you are overwhelmed about where to start but I think you should literally just do it, tell him it's over, you deserve better and want better for yourself. Tell him you want out of the business and then make plans in order for that to happen. If he wont leave you alone you simply threaten him that you will tell his wife everything, he will back away soon enough. 

[Luna66star]

I agree with the previous comments.

I will add it's all about the man's ego too.  Problems at home, wife not giving them attention they crave.  They don't feel "wanted" anymore as a man.  This really hurts a man's ego.

They look for a bandaid solution - another woman's attention. Once they get it, men are satisfied & and go about their daily life.  They aren't interested in building a relationship with this woman.  When the other woman gets upset or makes demands, they are irritated.

Men seem to be able to compartmentalize their relationships.  Top priority being the wife.  Low priority the side piece.

Walk away now