Feel like i'm going crazy

[Snakesalive]

6 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Its hard for OW to get because they've convinced themselves that mm was miserable and there was no longer love there.

@Beca L as someone who was with my wife since I was 17, her 16, I can tell you there is a great deal of codependency in those relationships.  I divorced my wife after her affair but it got harder by the month.  I was fully cognizant of the dynamics but it didn't make it easier.  You've been through everything with that person,  every single milestone, every trauma. 

I wanted to try with my wife again because I saw a version of that 16 year old girl that took my breath away, after a few years apart.

Ultimately your short time can't compare to thier history,  codependency,  and secondary instinct to reach out for that person. 

Can I ask did you reconcile with your Ex wife and remarry? 

[DKT3]

56 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

Can I ask did you reconcile with your Ex wife and remarry? 

We are remarried. 

[Beca L]

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Ultimately your short time can't compare to thier history,  codependency,  and secondary instinct to reach out for that person. 

I know I understand that and it has taken me a while to accept this. When you have a relationship with someone you give your heart and soul (well I do) and I guess in my situation it was unbalanced from the start. I thought he was desperate to get away from his W and that's what he kept telling me and I think in a way that's what he thought he wanted. However the time spent with his XW, years invested, codependency, sons etc  proved too much and he said he felt like he'd lost a part of him when he realised that they were quite happy to set him adrift. (my words not his). He once said to me that 'me and him was more than just that, it involves all sorts of other people most of whom don't like or approve'.

Anyway I guess it was doomed from the start. As Elaine says very often on this site, MM in a long marriage are a very bad bet and she was right. 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, DKT3 said:

We are remarried. 

Happily ?

[Whaatamidoing]

Doesn't make it any easier though does it.

I don't think many OW realise that it will turn into something that they want to put their heart and soul into.

I think on the flipside is the MM feels like there is a bond with his wife the OW feels like there is a bond with the MM, the amount of pain they have felt in coming to terms with the guilt involved whilst its illicit, the time spent thinking of this person, they really do consume your every thought and then the worry of not being good enough, almost as if it is a competition with the wife because its human nature to be wanted and human nature to be deeply offended when rejected by someone who told you they were on the same page as you. The story that has been built in secret is still a part of the OW life and something she's likely invested a lot of time in.

I have not heard from MM at all, not professionally or personally and to be honest its killing me not reaching out to him. My head and heart are in two different places right now. My head knows that when there have been instances like this in the past (never this bad) that even though I have felt hurt and just needed him to be there for me, he has never reached out, i have always done the mending, me being pathetic but also part of his narcissist behaviour.

I'm really trying to keep level headed but my heart physically hurts that he clearly isn't bothered, he doesn't care how I am, he has everything around him that he needs and that is quite clear. Something I was so afraid of before, was him not caring when it was over because he literally has a perfect life and I didn't know why he was bothering with me in the first place and it hurts like hell to know I was right. 

[pepperbird2]

30 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Doesn't make it any easier though does it.

I don't think many OW realise that it will turn into something that they want to put their heart and soul into.

I think on the flipside is the MM feels like there is a bond with his wife the OW feels like there is a bond with the MM, the amount of pain they have felt in coming to terms with the guilt involved whilst its illicit, the time spent thinking of this person, they really do consume your every thought and then the worry of not being good enough, almost as if it is a competition with the wife because its human nature to be wanted and human nature to be deeply offended when rejected by someone who told you they were on the same page as you. The story that has been built in secret is still a part of the OW life and something she's likely invested a lot of time in.

I have not heard from MM at all, not professionally or personally and to be honest its killing me not reaching out to him. My head and heart are in two different places right now. My head knows that when there have been instances like this in the past (never this bad) that even though I have felt hurt and just needed him to be there for me, he has never reached out, i have always done the mending, me being pathetic but also part of his narcissist behaviour.

I'm really trying to keep level headed but my heart physically hurts that he clearly isn't bothered, he doesn't care how I am, he has everything around him that he needs and that is quite clear. Something I was so afraid of before, was him not caring when it was over because he literally has a perfect life and I didn't know why he was bothering with me in the first place and it hurts like hell to know I was right. 

Sometimes you have to reach rock bottom. The good thing is that painful as it may be, when you get to that point, there's nowhere left to go but up. One day at a time, you'll feel better. Hopefully, it won't be that long until you're in a better place and wonder what you ever saw in him.

[Beca L]

23 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I have not heard from MM at all, not professionally or personally and to be honest its killing me not reaching out to him. My head and heart are in two different places right now. My head knows that when there have been instances like this in the past (never this bad) that even though I have felt hurt and just needed him to be there for me, he has never reached out, i have always done the mending, me being pathetic but also part of his narcissist behaviour.

Gosh, it kills me to hear this and I feel your pain. I've been there and I still am in some ways. Please don't reach out to him, he will be expecting you to. I realise that it is a very hard thing to do but you must as he is not going to give you what you need - love, care, reassurance, empathy - he doesn't possess those qualities. They only person you can rely on atm is yourself, look after you, be your best friend, love yourself, you deserve better. 

 

27 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

they really do consume your every thought and then the worry of not being good enough, almost as if it is a competition with the wife because its human nature to be wanted and human nature to be deeply offended when rejected by someone who told you they were on the same page as you. The story that has been built in secret is still a part of the OW life and something she's likely invested a lot of time in.

I understand, even now xmm consumes my thoughts and I'm still hurt by my experience. I invested a lot in to the relationship, I brought him into my home, my children's lives, my extended family. We all holidayed together, he met all my friends, we were a couple planning a future, or so I thought. When you experience something like this you don't ever really forget or get over you just move forward and try to get on with your life but it some ways because of the pandemic and not being able to do things he is still very much a part of my thoughts (i so wish he wasn't). Stay strong and keep posting. Some on here do understand and sympathise. xo 

[pepperbird2]

11 hours ago, Beca L said:

Sorry are you a WS or a BS? don't know your story. If you are a WS, then if you loved them so much why cheat? If you are a BS then ok I get why you would't leave but not sure I could forgive.

I'm a BS.
I didn't stay because I was desperate, codependent, felt like I had no other choice. Unlike many BS, I had the opportunity to be on my own for a year, as he was deployed not long after he told me about his affair. I got counselling, spoke to lawyers, talked things over with the people in my life who's opinions I valued.
In all honesty, it would have been easier to walk, but that's not what was right for me. That was more than 10 years ago. Our relationship isn't perfect, but really, who's is? we are after all, just two human beings, warts and all.

In the ops case, it sounds very much like the man has subtly tried to pit his OW and his BS against one another. The odd thing is that, if these two women were to meet, not knowing who they are, they might well like each other quite a bit. Just my own experience, but very few BS or OW/Om are terrible people. They may have their flaws, but we all do.

 

[DKT3]

8 hours ago, Beca L said:

Happily ?

We have a great relationship.  Happy doesn't come from a relationship. 

[SS2855]

Hang in there. This is such a vicious cycle to get out of. I personally was doing really well in December when we broke things off in November. I slipped last week after being constantly peppered with “i miss you, I need you, I love you” and regretting it ever since. I was like 8 weeks of feeling pretty great and missing him but no crying or anything. Now of course I feel awful again. The sadness turns to anger- at not only them but at yourself feeling like you should have known better. It’s a horribly toxic situation thy I pray you can get the strength to get out of once and for all. Me too.

[Beca L]

13 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

The sadness turns to anger- at not only them but at yourself feeling like you should have known better. It’s a horribly toxic situation thy I pray you can get the strength to get out of once and for all. Me too.

me too. Do you mean xmm is still contacting you ? I think it must take a lot of will power and belief in a better future to remain in NC when you are being hounded by a MM. In my case he has not contacted me once, I should be thankful that maybe he wants me to try and move on. You've done so well till now so please hang in there, ignore him and if he really wants a future with you he will divorce and come to you as a single person not just send messages to get an ego boost. xo

[Beca L]

7 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

he literally has a perfect life and I didn't know why he was bothering with me in the first place and it hurts like hell to know I was right. 

How are you tonight? have you heard from him ? I don't believe that his life is perfect, otherwise why is he seeing you and looking on 'plenty of fish'. Try not to spend time thinking about him and her and their lives, it is wasted energy. (i'm still trying to do this, it's hard and I realise that it will aid my recovery greatly) You need to focus on you, your life, getting out of this relationship and this business. He can get on with his life. Hang in there you deserve better. xo 

[RebeccaR]

2 hours ago, Beca L said:

don't believe that his life is perfect, otherwise why is he seeing you and looking on 'plenty of fish'.

No one’s life is perfect, so yeah, but a person can be content and still have an affair.  That’s the whole concept of cake eating. If a little is good, more is better.

[Starswillshine]

15 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

No one’s life is perfect, so yeah, but a person can be content and still have an affair.  That’s the whole concept of cake eating. If a little is good, more is better.

I think this is where a lot of OW get really burned. Because they believe that if the MM is happy at home, he wouldn't be cheating. 

A lot of these men never believe they will get caught. They want something different than the same meal they have been eating for decades plus. And on here, you see A LOT of OW with older men. And then you have the older MM who is wishing for his younger days, missing the exciting life. THe beginning of any relationship is exciting and alluring. An Affair is 100x that. It's intoxicating. It is no surprising that when a MM gets a taste of an affair, that he wants more. I was not surprised to find additional affairs in my xWH's past. Especially knowing him. 

And this is why they hardly ever make good, REAL partners. 

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I think this is where a lot of OW get really burned. Because they believe that if the MM is happy at home, he wouldn't be cheating. 

The other thing they believe is that if the MM is unhappy at home, he will want to leave. It makes logical sense, doesn’t it? If one is unhappy and there is another - better - option, why would they not want to leave? It certainly doesn’t hurt when MM reinforces this belief by telling OW how much happier they are with their affair partner and some times, that their intention is to leave their long suffering marriage. And even when no promises are made, it’s easy to get swept up in the fantasy of it all and create your own happy ending... as has happened here. 

Edited February 12, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The other thing they believe is that if the MM is unhappy at home, he will want to leave. It makes logical sense, doesn’t it? If one is unhappy and there is another - better - option, why would they not want to leave? It certainly doesn’t hurt when MM reinforces this belief by telling OW how much happier they are with their affair partner and some times, that their intention is to leave their long suffering marriage. And even when no promises are made, it’s easy to get swept up in the fantasy of it all and create your own happy ending... as has happened here. 

The other one... "She doesn't get me like you do?"AKA... she doesn't accept me sleeping with other women like the OW does (with his wife).

THe OW told me, "He told me once I was the only one he could be really truthful with." Um, yes, because he knew he would lose his family if he told me that he was sleeping with other women? 

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

The other one... "She doesn't get me like you do?" AKA... she doesn't accept me sleeping with other women like the OW does (with his wife).

Well no, because she’s got bills to pay, kids to raise, in-laws to deal with, work stress, house stress (the dishwasher is not working - again! Why can’t he fix it already or we should buy a new one...)... of course she doesn’t get him the way that the OW “gets” him, where it’s all fun and excitement, romance and sex, adoration and attention... 

And there is the fact that the OW knows (but usually doesn’t want to believe) that he’s sleeping with two women (that is after all, only a temporary problem that will be resolved when he leaves his wife). The wife can never know because she would not consent. 

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Well no, because she’s got bills to pay, kids to raise, in-laws to deal with, work stress, house stress (the dishwasher is not working - again! Why can’t he fix it already or we should buy a new one...)... of course she doesn’t get him the way that the OW “gets” him, where it’s all fun and excitement, romance and sex, adoration and attention... 

And there is the fact that the OW knows (but usually doesn’t want to believe) that he’s sleeping with two women (that is after all, only a temporary problem that will be resolved when he leaves his wife). The wife can never know because she would not consent. 

My favorite, "She was pissed when I called her at 4am drunk as hell because she had to wake up in 2 hours." And the OW sobbing it up, "I would accept a phone call at any time." Another instance of not "getting him" like she did. Yeah, because super attractive that a married mid-40s man with a wife and 4 kids at home is out running the town until 4am and can barely stand nor speak and trying to pick up whatever chick he can off the streets....But YOLO, right? Or something like that. 

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The other thing they believe is that if the MM is unhappy at home, he will want to leave. It makes logical sense, doesn’t it?

Completely, that is exactly what I thought and if I'm honest I still struggle to get my head around it. However I realise that its a game of priorities and what is most important to MM. Life with the W may not be exciting, or as fun as it used to be and maybe boring. They may not be as happy as they are with the OW but that doesn't mean they are prepared to up sticks and leave. I was so unhappy with my XH and he was cruel and quite horrible to me so I knew that I would be better off without him even though I was going to be on my own with 3 very young children and I don't regret the divorce. (no-one else was involved) so I guess that is why I fail to understand why others chose to stay. Both myself and my XH were well travelled and independent people before we met so I guess we weren't worried about being on our own. after the divorce, interestingly enough we are both still single. I think some MW and MM leave the family home where they grew up to marry and may have never lived independent lives prior to marriage so struggle with the thought of being on their own thus they stay, it's the fear of the unknown. 

[Whaatamidoing]

Hi,

Hope you are all well. Thanks so much for your words of encouragement.

I really feel like I have no one at the moment. He's sent me a few work emails but nothing at all otherwise and I really think that he is much more stubborn than me. Perhaps not realising I am serious but perhaps realising and staying away from me.

I am devastated that he really doesn't care how I am or what I am going through, I suppose a reflection of how he only thinks of himself.

How do you cope with this awfulness? I am someone who very much likes to keep the peace and this atmosphere sends me completely out of my comfort zone. I really dislike not having clarity or hope even.

I feel like a massive part of me is missing at the moment. I cant go back, I know I cant but I'm so worried about what is to come. We can hide behind covid excuses at the moment but it cant go on forever. 

I read something that said when your heart breaks the butterflies you get when you see someone die.

 

[Beca L]

4 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

How do you cope with this awfulness?

I really wish I could give you the answer but I can't. I think that NC is the only way, or limited work contact if you have to be in contact. These first few weeks are the worst and you really see the MM for who he truly his. You are correct, self-centred and it's all about his own self preservation. I don't doubt that he is probably upset about things in his own way but it won't be just about you. He will be worried that his wife will find out, that he's losing an excellent business partner, that he may lose money if he has to buy you out etc. It's going to be an upheaval for him and right now he's thinking only of himself. 

Try not to think beyond the next day, looking into the future is futile and causes too much pain. The life you thought you had is gone and it's going to take a while to move on and cope with that loss. It is a process and you just need to go through it, I understand the loss you are feeling but try to keep busy and plan something nice for when lock down ends. He doesn't deserve you and you will find someone better I'm sure of it. Please look at www.natashaadamo.com she is an amazing life coach/relationship expert and reading some of the blogs on her site give you perspective and hope for the future. (((hugs)))

[pepperbird2]

When you're in this much pain, sometimes it's all you can do to get through the next ten minutes. That's okay. Get through those ten minutes, then start again.
 

[Whaatamidoing]

I think it would be worse if he was trying to contact me but at the same time, I just dont know how you can tell someone you love them and then not care about them at a time like this. Its so hard to swallow and just adds to my feeling like a fool.

Im trying so hard to distract myself in work but thats quite difficult because everything around me just reminds me of him. My other worry is taking any time off and I'll completely break.

This really is rock bottom and I think whats making it so much worse is feeling my world is crumbling and not being able to tell anyone. 

[sandylee1]

47 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I really dislike not having clarity or hope even.

I feel like a massive part of me is missing at the moment. 

 

Do you mean clarity or hope with him? If so, that won't happen. There's no hope with him. He's lining his bank account for his life and retirement with his wife. 

You don't feature in this and if you didn't say anything to him, he would have happily carried on and discarded you when he lost interest, moved away or was unable to perform. 

You did the right thing in ending it. Do not go back on that good decision. He's probably hoping you will apologise and get back to being his compliant OW.

Stay on track and try and get out of the business/employment entanglement. 

[Snakesalive]

22 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

How do you cope with this awfulness? I am someone who very much likes to keep the peace and this atmosphere sends me completely out of my comfort zone. I really dislike not having clarity or hope even.

I’m so sorry you have to go through this and I can only agree with everything in @Beca post . Initially I found myself doing lots of research to try and help me understand how someone i invested so much in and had  been so close to could behave this way and just discard and abandon me -his behaviour just seemed to out of sync with what he’d told me during our relationship-I couldn’t get my head around it 

  I found the on line article on narcissists  in affairs really insightful if only because it helped me kind of make sense of things and I could relate to  different parts of the cycle -I dunno , it helped me to see him for what he really is and brought some reality to things. 

Receiving the odd work email is tough -I’ve been the same -if you have a good day just seeing his name on the email would bring up all the old feelings and set me back , all I can say is deal with it quickly then get it out of your in box -resist the temptation to turn it into an excuse fir contact. 
On my worst days I’ve thought to myself if this was my last day on earth would I want to spend it crying ? It kinda helped give me some perspective and shake myself out of what was a pretty dark place. I felt like I was drowning but now I feel like as I go through the process I’m starting to fight to stay afloat -I’m not sure how it happens probably just time ,NC , therapy ( which helped the panic subside that I felt in the first couple of weeks) 

You said you dont have  clarity and hope but  actually you are clear on one thing -you can’t go back , I know this is hard to really accept but it’s so important you do;it’s such a big part in moving on . Hope -You have so much to hope for in the future -a new job , new relationship-I know you’re not ready to really think about these things yet and the prospect seems so daunting but you will see them  as opportunities in time -please just don’t have the hope that you will stay in this relationship  because that will be selling yourself short .  
Xoxo