Feel like i'm going crazy

[BaileyB]

^^^ That’s the amazing thing, you may be seven years in but you still have the ability to make a different decision for yourself. 

People do it everyday, when they decide to leave relationships that are no longer meeting their needs. People make the decision to end marriages that have become lonely or dysfunctional. It’s brutally hard, and the grief will make you reconsider every single day if you are making the right choice... but you can do it, if you are brave enough to make the decision and you have the courage to do what is required. 

[Whaatamidoing]

I think I do need a counsellor, its funny because he did say to me at the very beginning, you're super hot why aren't you with someone, showered me with compliments always met by a dumbfounded me, I'm nothing special, I'm certainly not hot and I couldn't believe he wanted me. He still talks about how I was so shy back then and now he likes that I'm pretty open with him.

I've had a terrible week with him, down to my realisation I think and I asked some tough questions. We were talking and he told me he always becomes bored in relationships sexually. He's been around the block and I know that, I questioned his sexual relationship past and he said we have the best he's had in terms of length its gone on. Listening to this made me realise its all in the chase for him, he saw I was vulnerable in being shy and not feeling attractive and wanted to conquer that. Hes continued to be interested in me because its never gone any further. If it had he would have already moved on. I can't handle hearing things like this. He says them like its just normal talk. Imagine him telling his wife oh yeah I was bored of you after 2 years but I was getting on so thought I better have kids and pursue the sex on the side because you earn a lot of money. I am gob smacked by his honest sometimes.

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

We were talking and he told me he always becomes bored in relationships sexually

Is it possible that there have been other women in the past seven years? 

[elaine567]

3 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

if I leave the business I truly have nothing to show for my life for the last 7 years. I've worked so hard.

For 7 years he has had a business partner who was heavily invested in the business and in him.
No doubt above and beyond... nothing too much trouble...
Far more invested than had you continued on as an employee and with no affair.
So not only did he get an OW, he got a highly motivated business partner and devoted member of staff...
Win win for him.

[Whaatamidoing]

@BaileyB I'm not sure about the other women, we work hard and he's made his life with his wife so its just them, they live far out so I think disappearing would be hard for him, hence the set up with me. I've known him to give his number to other women but again he tells me but says things like she took my phone and I've had to block her now. The attention things is a bit part for him. 

Yeah @elaine567I see this now. I'm an idiot. 

[Beca L]

4 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

but surely he should just finish it with me, its clear he doesn't want me, its clear she takes priority in EVERYTHING

Why would he do that? he has someone devoted to him during the week, boosting his ego, makes him feel good about himself and she's also a great business partner. Then he goes home to his wife and she adores him, cooks and cleans for him, looks after his children and tells him how amazing he his. You provide a role, he needs you and his wife, life is good. Why would he leave his wife, he doesn't have to do a thing and he has you both running round after him. 

I'm so sorry that we are being brutally honest with you but I think you need to see the big picture here. This man is a deceitful, lying, selfish human being. I know you think you love him and maybe you do but can't you see how terribly he is treating you. 7 years of what ?  his bit on the side. I know how desperate you must be feeling because I've been through it but you can get through this, you can !!! If you sell your part in the business to him or another wouldn't you be able to start again ? You said you are younger than him, you could start a fresh or use the money to buy an existing business, take your current customers or clients with you. Would the business be such a success if you hadn't been running it with him ? Him may need your expertise more than you think ?

I know what we are telling you to do seems horrific and you aren't ready yet to make that step and I get that. Maybe start detaching to start with and just keep things professional or just end it and tell him you want out either way I don't think you can do nothing, you have already wasted 7 years of your life, it's time to start looking out for YOU ! 

[Whaatamidoing]

Its making me feel sick reading how right your post is @Beca L. He does need that attention 24/7 it makes me feel sick that he has us both running around after him but its so true. I just dont know why one of us isn't enough. What makes it worse for me is she is a permanent fixture so it will be me that has to break it off. He'll just replace me and that is another thing I'll have to deal with because I know I won't be able to get him out of my system for a long time. 

He always tells me he's himself with me and is a more restricted version of himself with his wife, no swearing etc etc.  

 

[trident_2020]

1 minute ago, Whaatamidoing said:

 I won't be able to get him out of my system for a long time. 

Then the sooner you start, the better.

 

[BaileyB]

Do you actually own part of the business? If you left, would you be entitled to half of the value of the business such that he would be required to pay you out? 

[Lorryborry]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I know you're heartbroken,right now, and that's a terrible place to be. The good thing is that this can be a time for you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and really reflect on if what you are getting out of this relationship is worth the pain and sadness.

Just based on your own words, it doesn't sound like it. You sound like you are in a lot of pain, and to be frank, I don't think anyone deserves to feel that way. Yes, you are where you are because of a series of choices you made, but the upside of that is that if you chose to be in this relationship, you can also choose to walk away, hard as that may be. At first, it may feel like your drowning in grief, but that will fade a little bit more with each passing day. It may not feel like it now, but if you do that, a day will come when you'll look back and wonder what you were ever thinking, staying tethered to him for so long.
There's a whole wide world of guys out there who will treat you well, care for you and not leave you hurting.
What makes this guy worth your pain?

Lovely post xx

[Whaatamidoing]

Yes, its 50/50 he's never going to give me what I'm entitled to. I've worked hard for my reputation. Part of me knows this is going to go very sour very quickly. 

Part of me just wants to hand over and walk away and part of me wants to keep what I've built up. Its never going to be black and white, he's older than me he'd ruin me so all our clients would stay with him.

I'm feeling so broken right now.

[trident_2020]

4 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Yes, its 50/50 he's never going to give me what I'm entitled to. I've worked hard for my reputation. Part of me knows this is going to go very sour very quickly.

That's why there are courts.

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Yes, its 50/50 he's never going to give me what I'm entitled to. I've worked hard for my reputation. Part of me knows this is going to go very sour very quickly. 

Part of me just wants to hand over and walk away and part of me wants to keep what I've built up. Its never going to be black and white, he's older than me he'd ruin me so all our clients would stay with him.

I'm feeling so broken right now.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It must be very daunting. 

If it was me, I would begin by doing a few things. Knowledge is power - I would consult a lawyer to learn more about the possible dissolution of the business relationship. I would prepare to fight tooth and nail to get everything I was entitled to have. And, I would start looking for other employment opportunities. Always best to be prepared.

He’s not likely to appreciate the fact that you want to end your personal and professional relationship. It’s going to cost him a lot of money to buy you out of the business. You do have one ace in the hole... I imagine, if his wife is unaware of his exploits, that it’s going to scare the living daylights out of him - the thought that you could tell his wife and blow up not just his professional life but also his personal life. He could either be some very dangerous, because he is threatened... or, he could become very cooperative, for fear that you will expose his truth. 

Edited February 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[Beca L]

36 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Its making me feel sick reading how right your post is @Beca L. He does need that attention 24/7 it makes me feel sick that he has us both running around after him but its so true. I just dont know why one of us isn't enough. What makes it worse for me is she is a permanent fixture so it will be me that has to break it off. He'll just replace me and that is another thing I'll have to deal with because I know I won't be able to get him out of my system for a long time. 

He always tells me he's himself with me and is a more restricted version of himself with his wife, no swearing etc etc.  

 

I know, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Even now 3 years after my xmm went back to his W I remember things he said when we were together about his wife, and even after he went back and I feel sick that I didn't recognise what a horrible person he was being. I was his emotional crutch for so long and I was so deluded. I thought it was only a matter of time that he would leave her again to be with me, he had no intentions of doing that, he had exactly what he wanted, life was sweet. 

  I know i won't be able to get him out of my system for a long time  - I do sympathise completely and understand your fears. 3 years later and my xmm is not out of my system completely but I'm happier, it no longer hurts that I was being used, I value myself and I know I have the chance of love again, with someone that will treat me like I deserve to be treated. I will be their no 1 and top of their priority. Just remember that, he is no prize, leave him to his unfulfilled marriage !

[Beca L]

13 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

Yes, its 50/50 he's never going to give me what I'm entitled to. I've worked hard for my reputation. Part of me knows this is going to go very sour very quickly. 

Part of me just wants to hand over and walk away and part of me wants to keep what I've built up. Its never going to be black and white, he's older than me he'd ruin me so all our clients would stay with him.

I'm feeling so broken right now.

I agree with other posts, get yourself a good lawyer and be prepared to fight for your share. Yes, it may go sour very quickly but I can't see where else it can go. I agree with BaileyB, you have an ace up your sleeve and its a big one. His wife doesn't know anything and he may be prepared to do whatever it takes to keep things sweet with her as well as maintain his good reputation with his clients. I know you may not want to fight dirty but if it means you getting what you deserve then you should do everything that you can. 

 

[trident_2020]

As stated above. Sounds like he's got a lot to lose if wife finds out. That might be enough to get you a good deal.

But you gotta be willing to fight for what's yours as compared to just rolling over and giving him whatever he wants "just because it's too much trouble".

Make all those years count for something.

 

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by trident_2020

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I know you may not want to fight dirty but if it means you getting what you deserve then you should do everything that you can.

I appreciate why you would want to just walk away... but, to walk away without all that you are entitled to by law would be the second BIG mistake you’ve made here. 

Indeed, will be so much easier to start over if you are able to make these years count for something...

Edited February 6, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

While this is NOT a recommendation, at least not from me, it is true as mentioned above that you have the "nuclear option" of telling his wife. If at some point you're at the point of leaving and taking 1/2 the business (or perhaps getting him to buy you out or what have you) and he tries to screw you out of what you should be entitled to, well, the "thought could occur to you," particularly if you have some concrete evidence of the affair.

Discuss with your lawyer if or when you get to that point and I would suggest, if you even go this path, to be VERY careful of how you phrase any "hints" on this matter. The reason is that, while you might, in theory, be able to use this option to apply some leverage, you DON'T want to put yourself into a position of being accused of or charged with extortion. Doubt that would go well in any court proceedings.

So, how to bring up (or perhaps imply) that matter in a safe way, IF you do it at all, would be something to consider very carefully and no doubt with legal input to avoid any potential blowback. It seems to me that in theory you have some genuine implied leverage, but you DON'T want that to "blow up in your face" or anything like that.

[Seliana]

4 hours ago, Beca L said:

I know, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Even now 3 years after my xmm went back to his W I remember things he said when we were together about his wife, and even after he went back and I feel sick that I didn't recognise what a horrible person he was being. I was his emotional crutch for so long and I was so deluded. I thought it was only a matter of time that he would leave her again to be with me, he had no intentions of doing that, he had exactly what he wanted, life was sweet. 

  I know i won't be able to get him out of my system for a long time  - I do sympathise completely and understand your fears. 3 years later and my xmm is not out of my system completely but I'm happier, it no longer hurts that I was being used, I value myself and I know I have the chance of love again, with someone that will treat me like I deserve to be treated. I will be their no 1 and top of their priority. Just remember that, he is no prize, leave him to his unfulfilled marriage !

Don't let these jackasses waste more of your life than they already have! I know I don't understand how you feel at all, I've never been an OW. I have however been a BS, it really hurt, but I wasn't surprised and I refused to let him waste any more of my precious life. I actually felt sorry for his AP, b/c she must have thought so little of herself to accept crumbs. He wasn't even going to say anything either, I found out, and filed within a few weeks after I got over the shock. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. 

 

7 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I think I do need a counsellor, its funny because he did say to me at the very beginning, you're super hot why aren't you with someone, showered me with compliments always met by a dumbfounded me, I'm nothing special, I'm certainly not hot and I couldn't believe he wanted me. He still talks about how I was so shy back then and now he likes that I'm pretty open with him.

I've had a terrible week with him, down to my realisation I think and I asked some tough questions. We were talking and he told me he always becomes bored in relationships sexually. He's been around the block and I know that, I questioned his sexual relationship past and he said we have the best he's had in terms of length its gone on. Listening to this made me realise its all in the chase for him, he saw I was vulnerable in being shy and not feeling attractive and wanted to conquer that. Hes continued to be interested in me because its never gone any further. If it had he would have already moved on. I can't handle hearing things like this. He says them like its just normal talk. Imagine him telling his wife oh yeah I was bored of you after 2 years but I was getting on so thought I better have kids and pursue the sex on the side because you earn a lot of money. I am gob smacked by his honest sometimes.

I'm happy you realize this, you have so many options, kick this loser to the curb. Imagine, he had the GALL to tell you to your face he "always becomes bored in relationships sexually". You are expendable too. Maybe he's hoping you'll quietly slink away in heartbreak and not take your 50% stake of the business with you. You have him by his short and curlies g/f, get some legal advice , like the other posters have advise and twist them they will rip!!

A beautiful, successful woman can do way better than a two-faced, heartless , selfish man.

[pepperbird2]

9 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

@BaileyB I'm not sure about the other women, we work hard and he's made his life with his wife so its just them, they live far out so I think disappearing would be hard for him, hence the set up with me. I've known him to give his number to other women but again he tells me but says things like she took my phone and I've had to block her now. The attention things is a bit part for him. 

Yeah @elaine567I see this now. I'm an idiot. 

You're not an idiot. You made some bad choices, but that doesn't make you an idiot. You just put your faith in the wrong man. You'd hardly be the first person to do that.
I've heard a saying that the first step on a journey is often the hardest. That's where you're at right now. It's hard and it hurts deeply, but you can and will get through this.

 

[pepperbird2]

7 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

Lovely post xx

Thanks...
I just hate to see a woman ( or man) hurting like this. Her pain is so raw, and it infuriates me that MM could use two women the way he does. He's like a little boy who only cares about his needs,  his feelings, his future.

[Lorryborry]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

Thanks...
I just hate to see a woman ( or man) hurting like this. Her pain is so raw, and it infuriates me that MM could use two women the way he does. He's like a little boy who only cares about his needs,  his feelings, his future.

I know pepperbird. These ppl are very low.  They deserve cumuppance.  But not dealt by our hand. 

[Wiseman2]

With respect, this reminds me of the scene in "Fatal Attraction", where the mistress confronts the wife that she is getting in the way of "thier relationship".

You have taken this way too far. His wife is not "interrupting" you and him.

You've allowed him to brainwash you with typical married person rubbish.

End it. Go to work in order to work. Start talking to and meeting Single men.

Being lazy and expecting male fulfillment but just showing up for work is not having good results...as you can see.

Edited February 7, 2021 by Wiseman2

[sandylee1]

18 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I am in no way a victim and am here sadly because I have nowhere else to turn.

I am not in a situation where I am happy with it except for her interrupting me when I am with him, I see how that sounded but I was concentrating on something that had become the forefront of my thinking.

I want to get out, I want to have the strength to tell him to never touch me again but I am not there yet. I believe I love him, however the realisation that he won't ever leave has seemed to have dawned on me, somewhere I suppose I keep thinking he'll come to his senses and realise he can't live without me but its not true. I am younger than him and now all he is looking towards is the future with her and not with me. I think part of me came here because I couldn't believe he could do that to me, I know a cheater, look at what he/we are doing to his wife but surely he should just finish it with me, its clear he doesn't want me, its clear she takes priority in EVERYTHING and I suppose I just wanted someone to say that's a bit rubbish, he shouldn't treat you like that but what I'm faced with is why are you surprised.

I'm so heartbroken because I'm realising everything has been a complete waste of time, if I leave the business I truly have nothing to show for my life for the last 7 years. I've worked so hard.

Its making me question why he would do this to me, other than because he can I can't think of an answer why anyone would pretend for that long that they liked you and felt something towards you. Surely that's overkill just to get your end away.

I can't even look at him or reply to his messages at the moment. 

I guess your version of his senses, isn't what he wants especially where you clearly state he's looking forward to a future with her. Their lives are more aligned and they're working together to achieve that.

As you said earlier, you're also contributing to that. 

In many cases it ends up that MM leave the wife for a younger woman, causing much upset for the BW who has supported him throughout, but your MM clearly doesn't want that.

You ask why he'd do this to you and the answer is simply because you let him. People treat you how you let them in life. The reasons you let them do that don't matter to the other person, but if they can get away with it...why not. 

The situation suits him down to the ground. IF he told you he was leaving her, wouldn't you even question how you could trust him after he easily lies to his wife for 7 years?

Why don't you try emotionally detaching from him. Carry on not answering his messages....try and fill your life with other interests. Can your job be done remotely, especially now? Do you have to see him daily or do you choose to?

[Beca L]

7 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

He's like a little boy who only cares about his needs,  his feelings, his future.

100% agree, just like all MM. Very, very selfish and immature. Kick him to the curb ASAP !!