Feel like i'm going crazy

[Lorryborry]

2 hours ago, Beca L said:

100% agree, just like all MM. Very, very selfish and immature. Kick him to the curb ASAP !!

Hi Beca L.  U said it.  I get slated for saying this but I'm actually convinced that MM are the  worst most ruthless selfish cheats going IMO.  Of course MW are not innocent but a woman usually has actual feelings. The MMs tend to be confined to his pants region.  They are really destructive men.  You find a woman comes out the worst the majority of the time.  See above Whatam considering leaving the business while he thrives.  I'm sorry but I dont agree with that move. Fcku him is my opinion.   I would NOT let him impact me that much. Hes NOT that amazing.  Hes not important in her life. Let the wife bring the loser off with her.  Sounds like hes a real catch (eye roll), like them all.  I'm sorry I wouldn't back down.  No way.

[Lorryborry]

I'm really not a believer in losing financially aswell as emotionally.   He has done enough destruction.   Think whatam needs to slow down with blowing up her business  

. I'm in similar position.   Now I know how manipulative and selfish these men are my eyes are open. Hes very useful in my business.  He brings alot to it.   I'm not disrespectful of my husband for staying.  This business affords us a good life and my husband and child can have the good things in life because I earn so much. My child will be in private school. I own 3 rental properties.  The life of our child and my husband's health care is all top of the range. That's because I earn so much. So whatam dont do anything rash. Really consider it. Ppl on here tend to throw out that advice like its leaving a job flipping burgers in a shoddy diner while at college. We made mistakes.  We can detach from these creeps. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lorryborry said:

I'm really not a believer in losing financially aswell as emotionally.   He has done enough destruction.   Think whatam needs to slow down with blowing up her business  

Really consider it. Ppl on here tend to throw out that advice like its leaving a job flipping burgers in a shoddy diner while at college. We made mistakes.  We can detach from these creeps. 

Absolutely, really consider it. Talk to a lawyer. Don’t make an impulsive and emotional decision OP.

Respectfully LB, I think an emotional affair for two years is not the same as a sexual affair for seven years during which they have literally acted like a couple all day every day. Sex changes things and the length of time this has gone on makes this different. She may not be able to emotionally detach from this man and continue working with him. That’s a lot to ask any woman... which is why, most find that the thing they have to do is leave their work and/or create distance at work, such that they are not seeing this person everyday. I can’t imagine being in the kind of relationship OP describes and continuing to work with the man. 

And respectfully, it’s been just a few weeks since you decided to try and put some boundaries up with your business partner. You haven’t told your spouse. It’s perhaps a little premature to say that you have been able to successfully establish boundaries and continue working with the man... 

Edited February 7, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lorryborry]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Absolutely, really consider it. Talk to a lawyer. Don’t make an impulsive and emotional decision OP.

Respectfully LB, I think an emotional affair for two years is not the same as a sexual affair for seven years during which they have literally acted like a couple all day every day. Sex changes things and the length of time this has gone on makes this different. She may not be able to emotionally detach from this man and continue working with him. That’s a lot to ask any woman... which is why, most find that the thing they have to do is leave their work and/or create distance at work, such that they are not seeing this person everyday. I can’t imagine being in the kind of relationship OP describes and continuing to work with the man. 

And respectfully, it’s been just a few weeks since you decided to try and put some boundaries up with your business partner. You haven’t told your spouse. It’s perhaps a little premature to say that you have been able to successfully establish boundaries and continue working with the man... 

I'm not saying iv a winning formula. And I'm absolutely not telling my husband.   I want to be constructive going forward not destructive.   How do I know how telling my husband may impact on the other family.  Theres lots to consider in these situations.   And that doesn't make anyone a bad person to want to try to improve and move on. Telling does not necessarily end well and can be very destructive.   Its not necessarily a bed of Roses.   I agree whatam needs lawyer. And yes I'm still work in progress.  But as you say sex changes everything.  I just want whatam to not destroy her livelihood over this loser.  

Edited February 7, 2021 by Lorryborry

[trident_2020]

1 hour ago, Lorryborry said:

 I'm not disrespectful of my husband for staying.

No, you're disrespectful of your husband by cheating on him and lying to him by not telling him you're cheating on him, and possibly exposing him to a life ending or life altering STD.

 

[Lorryborry]

4 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

I'm not saying iv a winning formula. And I'm absolutely not telling my husband.   I want to be constructive going forward not destructive.   How do I know how telling my husband may impact on the other family.  Theres lots to consider in these situations.   And that doesn't make anyone a bad person to want to try to improve and move on. Telling does not necessarily end well and can be very destructive.   Its not necessarily a bed of Roses.   I agree whatam needs lawyer. And yes I'm still work in progress.  But as you say sex changes everything.  I just want whatam to not destroy her livelihood over this loser.  

I'm not saying I know it all. I'm just finding personally boundaries so far are working and I am not at all blinded anymore.  I guess you are right Bailey a fully sexual relationship is probably much harder to detach from.  My talk is probably a bit cheap in this situation.   I got alot of good advice on here. 

[Lorryborry]

3 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

No, you're disrespectful of your husband by cheating on him and lying to him by not telling him you're cheating on him, and possibly exposing him to a life ending or life altering STD.

 

OmG....exposing to STDs?  Where will I get STDs? How?

[Lorryborry]

4 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

OmG....exposing to STDs?  Where will I get STDs? How?

Not being funny but I do have some brain capacity,  I'd hardly put myself in that situation where I would get an STD.

Edited February 7, 2021 by Lorryborry

[trident_2020]

11 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

OmG....exposing to STDs?  Where will I get STDs? How?

I read your post to mean that you're having an affair and you don't plan on telling your husband. If I misunderstood then please accept my humble apology.

[elaine567]

27 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

And I'm absolutely not telling my husband.   I want to be constructive going forward not destructive.   How do I know how telling my husband may impact on the other family.  Theres lots to consider in these situations

I get it, I am no fan of blowing up marriages and making kids miserable "just because"
I also get that your MM/OM/business partner is a bit of a money making machine and is a huge asset to your business and is contributing to your earnings, but is this not just an accident waiting to happen?
Some loose talk from him one night to someone else - drunk, bragging, upset, angry... and your secret may be out...
How do you then explain that to your husband?
Not only did you cheat but you have then proceeded to keep this man close to both you and your husband.

Edited February 7, 2021 by elaine567

[Lorryborry]

13 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

I read your post to mean that you're having an affair and you don't plan on telling your husband. If I misunderstood then please accept my humble apology.

That's ok. HAD an EA. 

[Lorryborry]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I get it, I am no fan of blowing up marriages and making kids miserable "just because"
I also get that your MM/OM/business partner is a bit of a money making machine and is a huge asset to your business and is contributing to your earnings, but is this not just an accident waiting to happen?
Some loose talk from him one night to someone else - drunk, bragging, upset, angry... and your secret may be out...
How do you then explain that to your husband?
Not only did you cheat but you have then proceeded to keep this man close to both you and your husband.

I see him every few weeks with other ppl present.  I just have to be careful.  That's where I'm at. Theres nothing to let slip.

[Lorryborry]

Just now, Lorryborry said:

I see him every few weeks with other ppl present.  I just have to be careful.  That's where I'm at. Theres nothing to let slip.

Hes not the type to get drunk and "brag"...he has a family, hes no interest in destroying that.  And iv no interest in destroying either. Trying to keep this positive and concentrate on whatam getting life in order

[Lorryborry]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I get it, I am no fan of blowing up marriages and making kids miserable "just because"
I also get that your MM/OM/business partner is a bit of a money making machine and is a huge asset to your business and is contributing to your earnings, but is this not just an accident waiting to happen?
Some loose talk from him one night to someone else - drunk, bragging, upset, angry... and your secret may be out...
How do you then explain that to your husband?
Not only did you cheat but you have then proceeded to keep this man close to both you and your husband.

If he wasn't a big asset financially he wouldn't be in my life anymore.   Make no mistake about that. I think my husband is doing ok out of this,golf,sailing, reading, and top hospital experts treating any illness.  He was able to retire 10 yrs earlier. Hes really not getting a raw deal.  So I want same for whatam.  Believe me there are worse cheats than us

[elaine567]

WhaatamI is fairly young and single and if she ever wants to get free from this man and the affair, and have any chance of happiness, then she needs to sell up and get as far away from him as possible and start a completely new life.

She has done enough hanging around like a lovesick puppy, waiting for "more" to last her a lifetime...

[Lorryborry]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

WhaatamI is fairly young and single and if she ever wants to get free from this man and the affair, and have any chance of happiness, then she needs to sell up and get as far away from him as possible and start a completely new life.

She has done enough hanging around like a lovesick puppy, waiting for "more" to last her a lifetime...

Dont know her age but I understand she has built up business,  that's not to be sniffed at.

[Lorryborry]

Just now, Lorryborry said:

Dont know her age but I understand she has built up business,  that's not to be sniffed at.

She can still meet a single man

[Whaatamidoing]

I'm going to need help with his manipulative behaviour. If I tell him there's an issue like I did the other day I often get no response. I couldn't help myself and sent a text today just saying we need to talk as I needed to prepare myself it needs to happen.

He immediately, and has done this before comes up with a list of reasons why I should feel sorry for him and his life is so much worse than I think it is. He always says he's unwell and then launches into a worse mood than I'm in.

I know this is manipulating but how do you handle that? I always end up being quiet because he'll go on about how his wife has once had depression and his son has ADHD and I don't mean to disrespect either of those things but he manages every other day with them until I mention that I'm not coping and all of a sudden he shuts me down that I almost have no idea what a real problem is. 

Is this just a classic not liking it because I've upset his otherwise perfect balanced life? 

I think maybe in the 7 years I've had 4 major wobble moments, this being one of them. I don't think I'm being unreasonable wanting to talk given recent revelations but he sees it as a competition he needs to win. I'm determined not to apologise to him. 

[trident_2020]

You're asking the wrong questions.

[Whaatamidoing]

So just shut off with him and be done with it? I'm not sure I'm quite there yet.

[trident_2020]

get there

[IfWishesWereHorses]

His behavior is absolutely manipulative. It also speaks volumes. I think it’s a mistake to need him to say the words when he’s showing you with his actions how he feels. He doesn’t want to deal with your feelings or insecurities, this is all about him. His tactics are juvenile, they remind me of my teenage niece when I’d bring up that she didn’t do something she had promised to do, the emotions and drama would start all designed for me to drop what ever I was asking.  So what do you do? Call him out on it. Say you are acting like an immature child because you want to avoid dealing with my feelings because they don’t matter to you one bit. And that’s fine, I have better things to do than to devote my time to someone who cares as little as you do. You actually have the upper hand, unfortunately he can smell your fear of rocking the boat or losing him, he won’t care one bit until you don’t. There’s that push/pull that makes these relationships so intoxicating and addictive. 
 

Good luck to you.
 

 

[Lorryborry]

2 minutes ago, IfWishesWereHorses said:

His behavior is absolutely manipulative. It also speaks volumes. I think it’s a mistake to need him to say the words when he’s showing you with his actions how he feels. He doesn’t want to deal with your feelings or insecurities, this is all about him. His tactics are juvenile, they remind me of my teenage niece when I’d bring up that she didn’t do something she had promised to do, the emotions and drama would start all designed for me to drop what ever I was asking.  So what do you do? Call him out on it. Say you are acting like an immature child because you want to avoid dealing with my feelings because they don’t matter to you one bit. And that’s fine, I have better things to do than to devote my time to someone who cares as little as you do. You actually have the upper hand, unfortunately he can smell your fear of rocking the boat or losing him, he won’t care one bit until you don’t. There’s that push/pull that makes these relationships so intoxicating and addictive. 
 

Good luck to you.
 

 

Yes his actions show his feelings. He is telling Whatam how he feels in those actions.   He doesnt want to deal with her difficult emotions or expressions of dissatisfaction. He doesnt care enough. Whatam what you feel or suffer doesnt matter. Doesnt matter to him. Same with my ex EA partner.  That's also what we need to remember.  Are we making sense pouring energy into these losers that dont care one shyt about us. No point asking for closure. His feelings are displayed by him buildin a life with wife. Nobody cares about his wifes depression or his sons AHDH.  Care about yourself . Stop letting him have intimacy with you.  Get cool with him.   You dont really have to talk about it. Hes treating you really badly.   Why care so much about him,he carea so little. You are 10%20% his life, hes 90% of your thoughts.   Sorry I know that's upsetting.  I.was upset when truth was given to me.  But it has woke me up.

[Lorryborry]

Just now, Lorryborry said:

Yes his actions show his feelings. He is telling Whatam how he feels in those actions.   He doesnt want to deal with her difficult emotions or expressions of dissatisfaction. He doesnt care enough. Whatam what you feel or suffer doesnt matter. Doesnt matter to him. Same with my ex EA partner.  That's also what we need to remember.  Are we making sense pouring energy into these losers that dont care one shyt about us. No point asking for closure. His feelings are displayed by him buildin a life with wife. Nobody cares about his wifes depression or his sons AHDH.  Care about yourself . Stop letting him have intimacy with you.  Get cool with him.   You dont really have to talk about it. Hes treating you really badly.   Why care so much about him,he carea so little. You are 10%20% his life, hes 90% of your thoughts.   Sorry I know that's upsetting.  I.was upset when truth was given to me.  But it has woke me up.

Play clever with him. Dont be nasty.  You need to figure out how you will manage your business and as hes part of it do not pyss him off too much.  Just stop intimacy.   That's a biggie.   Just say you feel bad coz hes married.  Not coz you have copped on that you are being used. No discussion needed with him.

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, IfWishesWereHorses said:

So what do you do? Call him out on it.

That depends on your purpose in having this conversation? What do you hope to achieve?

If it was me, I would not have a big discussion because it’s not going to solve your problem...

Your problem is - you are professionally and financially tied to a man who has used your personal relationship for his benefit. Period. I would call a lawyer and a counsellor tomorrow and begin the process of detaching. 

I don’t know that there is anything to be gained from this conversation. I would expect more of the same - a whole bunch of excuses, complaints, blame shifting, and drama... And why do you need to hear that? How does that help you right now? 

Keep things professional, keep your head down at work and quietly go about gathering the information you need to make the decisions that you need to make for your own life. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by BaileyB