Feel like i'm going crazy

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I'm not sure I'm quite there yet.

A storm descends on a small town, and the downpour soon turns into a flood. As the waters rise, the local preacher kneels in prayer on the church porch, surrounded by water. By and by, one of the townsfolk comes up the street in a canoe.

"Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast."

"No," says the preacher. "I have faith in the Lord. He will save me."

Still the waters rise. Now the preacher is up on the balcony, wringing his hands in supplication, when another guy zips up in a motorboat.

"Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee's gonna break any minute."

Once again, the preacher is unmoved. "I shall remain. The Lord will see me through."

After a while the levee breaks, and the flood rushes over the church until only the steeple remains above water. The preacher is up there, clinging to the cross, when a helicopter descends out of the clouds, and a state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.

"Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance."

Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.

And, predictably, he drowns.

A pious man, the preacher goes to heaven. After a while he gets an interview with God, and he asks the Almighty, "Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn't you deliver me from that flood?"

God shakes his head. "What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I'm going to need help with his manipulative behaviour. If I tell him there's an issue like I did the other day I often get no response. I couldn't help myself and sent a text today just saying we need to talk as I needed to prepare myself it needs to happen.

He immediately, and has done this before comes up with a list of reasons why I should feel sorry for him and his life is so much worse than I think it is. He always says he's unwell and then launches into a worse mood than I'm in.

I know this is manipulating but how do you handle that? I always end up being quiet because he'll go on about how his wife has once had depression and his son has ADHD and I don't mean to disrespect either of those things but he manages every other day with them until I mention that I'm not coping and all of a sudden he shuts me down that I almost have no idea what a real problem is. 

Is this just a classic not liking it because I've upset his otherwise perfect balanced life? 

I think maybe in the 7 years I've had 4 major wobble moments, this being one of them. I don't think I'm being unreasonable wanting to talk given recent revelations but he sees it as a competition he needs to win. I'm determined not to apologise to him. 

Gosh, I feel for you and I'm so sorry you are in this position but you must recognise that you got yourself there (it took me a long time for me to see this myself so i know how hard it is) and only you can get yourself out of it. MM will use everything in there power to keep the status quo, either by manipulating your of the BS. Please ignore this petty behaviour, if he refuses to discuss things with you then you simply write a detailed letter explaining what you want to happen, what ever you decide etc and give it to him. He can't run away forever, he will have to face your requests regarding the business etc. Obs you may do all this after you have consulted with a lawyer.

I realise you are being bombarded with advise and some ppl on here have not had an affairs and have not experienced the pain you are going through however they can stand back and see the bigger picture and that you need to get away from this man and if you want to truly heal you must detach from him and move away. He is an Liar, fact ! you cannot believe a word that comes out of his mouth. 

[Lorryborry]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That depends on your purpose in having this conversation? What do you hope to achieve?

If it was me, I would not have a big discussion because it’s not going to solve your problem...

Your problem is - you are professionally and financially tied to a man who has used your personal relationship for his benefit. Period. I would call a lawyer and a counsellor tomorrow and begin the process of detaching. 

Much like the 16 year old drama queen, she/he wants to draw you into their drama. I don’t know that there is anything to be gained from this conversation. I would expect more of the same - a whole bunch of excuses, complaints, blame shifting, and drama... And why do you need to hear that? How does that help you right now? 

Keep things professional, keep your head down at work and quietly go about gathering the information you need to make the decisions that you need to make for your own life. 

Totally agree.  Keep head down. Polite and professional.  And see lawyer an counsellor.  Discussion with him wont achieve anything.   Hes playing a whine. It will get her nowhere.   Thats why you are on here Whatam hes treating you badly. It's not working for you. Leave him to wife.  Let her enjoy him. Hes not much value. Sorry hun.

[sandylee1]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

 If I tell him there's an issue like I did the other day I often get no response.

*The issue is he's married and this affair isn't working for you anymore. You don't need a response from him...you need to take decisive action and end the affair.*

He immediately, and has done this before comes up with a list of reasons why I should feel sorry for him and his life is so much worse than I think it is. He always says he's unwell and then launches into a worse mood than I'm in.

*Nothing he says will really cut it though. He can't give you want while he's married and building a future with his wife. This is not about getting into moods.*

 

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I know this is manipulating but how do you handle that? I always end up being quiet because he'll go on about how his wife has once had depression and his son has ADHD and I don't mean to disrespect either of those things but he manages every other day with them until I mention that I'm not coping and all of a sudden he shuts me down that I almost have no idea what a real problem is. 

Is this just a classic not liking it because I've upset his otherwise perfect balanced life? 

I think maybe in the 7 years I've had 4 major wobble moments, this being one of them. I don't think I'm being unreasonable wanting to talk given recent revelations but he sees it as a competition he needs to win. I'm determined not to apologise to him. 

 

[sandylee1]

59 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

So just shut off with him and be done with it? I'm not sure I'm quite there yet.

Not being there yet...after 7 years will only harm you.  Not him.

He'll come out of this smelling of daisies and will continue as normal, where you will be heartbroken and stressed. 

You won't get what you want from him and to be fair, he hasn't promised otherwise. No future faking and he probably feels on top of the world to have a younger single OW... committed to him and not making any demands. 

It's heaven for him...not so for you. 

[Beca L]

3 minutes ago, sandylee1 said:

Not being there yet...after 7 years will only harm you.  Not him.

I agree, I know you feel like you might not have the strength or will power but what do you have now ? nothing really ? he is holding all the cards and he pulls the strings and you come running. NOW is as good a time as any for you to get on with YOUR life and start the process of detaching. You deserve so much better than this pathetic parasite. Even if you still wanted to be with him, please recognise he will never leave her whilst he still has you, they never leave. You need to walk away. 

[Lorryborry]

Agree with Beca.  You have nothing now anyway so you will be losing nothing. Only what you gain. Your self esteem back and your power.  I was where you are.  And it's still hard but taking some very harsh advice on here has really helped me. We feel they are our "best friends " such BS.  No friend treats us like dirty secret.   That's all you have with him. That wife is going nowhere. Because he wants her.  Shed be gone at this stage and not a problem if HE WANTED that. But hes clearly committed to her. Hed put a stop to her ringing him during day again, if he WANTED to stop her. Hes put her above you.   That hurts like hell.  Put a stop to it you.  I really wouldn't have discussion with him. Just reject him next time he wants physical.   But dont give any reason only that you want to stop being with a MM. Let him think you have someone else. Be on your phone alot if you want to make him think you have someone abs thats why you are stopping.    But be polite and business like and friendly. I know it's very hard on you. These men really really suck. They cause absolute grief. 

[Amethyst68]

You know it's amazing, you've been intruding in this woman's marriage without her knowledge for 7 years and you don't have a problem with it.  The wife makes a few phone calls to her own husband, which she's perfectly entitled to do and you feel she's intruding in your life.

It really is the strangest double standard....

[Lorryborry]

17 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

You know it's amazing, you've been intruding in this woman's marriage without her knowledge for 7 years and you don't have a problem with it.  The wife makes a few phone calls to her own husband, which she's perfectly entitled to do and you feel she's intruding in your life.

It really is the strangest double standard....

Maybe double standards but its human nature.  Wife is his responsibility.  He said vows.   Ow hasn't FORCED her way into his life, OW Couldnt be with him if he didn't WANT it. Dont understand how you are finding it so strange.  It's all wrong in every way but its not rocket science.   Every affairs is wrong. We all know that. However we all try to move on and leave past behind. Ow needs support here. 

[Amethyst68]

12 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

Maybe double standards but its human nature

It's hypocritical is what it is. 

Are you saying that as a wife if you found out your husband had been cheating for 7 years with the same woman you'd be here posting here in support of her? I doubt it. 

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, Lorryborry said:

Wife is his responsibility.  He said vows.   Ow hasn't FORCED her way into his life, OW Couldnt be with him if he didn't WANT it. 

Either you accept responsibility as an OW or you don’t. 

This statement, while true in theory, does not accept personal responsibility. I’m just saying this to help you to consider the situation from a different perspective.

One runs with a bad group that results in property damage and vandalism. How much do you think the police care when you try to tell them that you weren’t the person who caused the damage? Is there not some personal responsibility to run with the kids who are causing damage and “hurting” other people? After all, one could have made the decision to tell the other kids to stop, or say “This is not my thing. I’m not going to be part of this...” One’s very association with these kids is a problem...

Edited February 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lorryborry]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Either you accept responsibility as an OW or you don’t. 

This statement, while true in theory, does not accept personal responsibility. I’m just saying this to help you to consider the situation from a different perspective.

One runs with a bad group that results in property damage and vandalism. How much do you think the police care when you try to tell them that you weren’t the person who caused the damage? Is there not some personal responsibility to run with the kids who are causing damage and “hurting” other people? After all, one could have made the decision to tell the other kids to stop, or say “This is not my thing. I’m not going to be part of this...

Yes. Not comparing like with like but there is truth in what you say. 

[Lorryborry]

31 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

It's hypocritical is what it is. 

Are you saying that as a wife if you found out your husband had been cheating for 7 years with the same woman you'd be here posting here in support of her? I doubt it. 

Obviously not.  But I'd be taking it up with my husband.   He married me.  She didn't. She wouldn't care about me. Why would she. I'd see him as the culprit.  Her an accessory.   

[Snakesalive]

12 hours ago, Lorryborry said:

Totally agree.  Keep head down. Polite and professional.  And see lawyer an counsellor.  Discussion with him wont achieve anything.   Hes playing a whine. It will get her nowhere.   Thats why you are on here Whatam hes treating you badly. It's not working for you. Leave him to wife.  Let her enjoy him. Hes not much value. Sorry hun.

 

12 hours ago, Beca L said:

holding all the cards and he pulls the strings and you come running. NOW is as good a time as any for you to get on with YOUR life and start

Totally agree with Beca- it’s enough . I can honestly say that although it’s so difficult to detach it’s the right thing . The manipulation you described is typical action -my x MM did exactly the same -the fake tears etc -at the time they had exactly the reaction he hoped -made me lose the resolve to end the affair. Yet when I showed emotion he couldn’t cope .

Whenever I have my down days (last weekend) I remind myself of some of the things he said that really hurt , like the time he was giving me mixed signals I asked if he loved me his response “well I can’t say I don’t love you “!!!! What was that supposed to mean -just made me do the mental gymnastics again and  send my brain into a spin -nice people don’t do that to others 

Counselling has really helped me see this relationship for what it was and I’m sure it could help  you too  xo

 

Edited February 8, 2021 by Snakesalive
Spelling

[sandylee1]

3 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

 

like the time he was giving me mixed signals I asked if he loved me his response “well I can’t say I don’t love you “!!!! What was that supposed to mean -just made me do the mental gymnastics again and  send my brain into a spin -nice people don’t do that to others 

 

 

A straightforward answer to your question would be yes or no. It's not a trick question, but the truth is he didn't want to answer in a straightforward manner, as that would hurt your feelings and lead to the end of the affair. 

 

[Allupinnit]

Don't wait for your feelings to catch up to take action.  You're addicted to him and the only way to break that addiction is to get away from him 100% - 7 years!  People get married, have families, buy homes and run the whole gamut in that time - 7 years he's had to do all of that with someone else.

It's amazing how many women on here own businesses with their APs. 

I echo every one else here; call an attorney and figure out your rights. People split up businesses all the time for various reasons and they have laws to protect you.  

He's not going to end it, you have to stand up for yourself and tell him that the A is over, that you're moving on and that your lawyer will be in touch regarding his buying you out or dissolving it 50/50.  Wonder how he's going to explain THAT to his wife...?  "But honey you said things were going so well, what happened?" 

[Snakesalive]

2 hours ago, sandylee1 said:

A straightforward answer to your question would be yes or no. It's not a trick question, but the truth is he didn't want to answer in a straightforward manner, as that would hurt your feelings and lead to the end of the affair. 

 

It would have been -but a lack of being straightforward  was a recurring theme when I look back on the relationship

 lots of  things he said were open to my interpretation giving him the opportunity to come  back at me at a later date to say I’d misinterpreted what he meant -sneaky  and manipulative doesn’t come close . 

[Snakesalive]

31 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Don't wait for your feelings to catch up to take action.  You're addicted to him and the only way to break that addiction is to get away from him 100% - 7 years!  People get married, have families, buy homes and run the whole gamut in that time - 7 years he's had to do all of that with someone else.

It's amazing how many women on here own businesses with their APs. 

I echo every one else here; call an attorney and figure out your rights. People split up businesses all the time for various reasons and they have laws to protect you.  

He's not going to end it, you have to stand up for yourself and tell him that the A is over, that you're moving on and that your lawyer will be in touch regarding his buying you out or dissolving it 50/50.  Wonder how he's going to explain THAT to his wife...?  "But honey you said things were going so well, what happened?" 

Agree this is an addiction and is very hard to break but can be done -you have some great examples on these forums of people who have broken their addiction-your choice I’m afraid is break the addiction or become broken by staying-sorry if that  sounds harsh 

Edited February 8, 2021 by Snakesalive

[pepperbird2]

People like this guy just make me so mad. He's sitting there like he's the cock of the walk because he's got two women meeting his emotional/physical/ego needs...mostly his ego.

Meanwhile, the OP is is in pain, and I don't think he cares-not really. I wonder if he is even capable of a deeper level of connection? Does her pain even register or matter? What do you think OP? Is this about as good as it gets with him?

Admittedly, I haven't been an OW, but I have had my heart broken, and the pain of that was awful. OP, if you decide to stay with this guy, where do you see yourself next year? The year after? Another seven years down the line? I'm worried that if you decide he's worth it, you'll find yourself looking back after all that time and wishing you had made different choices. I guess that, in the end, it comes down to you figuring out what you want from life and the relationships you choose to include in it. YOU have the power to curate that list.

Is he giving you what you want/need in a romantic relationship? Way deep down in your heart of hearts, do you think he can?

[PhoenixRising8]

12 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

 

I asked if he loved me his response “well I can’t say I don’t love you “!!!! What was that supposed to mean 

 

This was probably one of the few times he WAS actually being honest lol.  He can't say he doesn't love you because it isn't in his interest to do so.  Funny how they are able to say things in such a way that a besotted OW can hear exactly what she wants to while he is telling the truth.

[PhoenixRising8]

12 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

 

The manipulation you described is typical action -my x MM did exactly the same -the fake tears etc -

 

I have never known any man to be so capable of crying at the drop of a hat like the married man 🤣

[BaileyB]

Did you talk with him today?

[Snakesalive]

10 hours ago, LilKatKat said:

This was probably one of the few times he WAS actually being honest lol.  He can't say he doesn't love you because it isn't in his interest to do so.  Funny how they are able to say things in such a way that a besotted OW can hear exactly what she wants to while he is telling the truth.

Yes agree -this was literally said a couple of days before we finally ended it  As  we got to the end of the relationship I started to question what he said and asked him to clarify things he said rather  than leave me to interpret -he saw this as being backed into a corner -no surprise and didn’t like it  But of a turning point for me because before I wouldn’t have wanted the clarity because I wanted to interpret what he said in a positive way  -give him the benefit of the doubt etc -crazy when I think about it now. I do think there was an element of not wanting to hurt me by being honest -or maybe I’m still deluding myself) but mainly his lack of straightforwardness was to keep me on the hook 

[Whaatamidoing]

I tried. It was a disaster. I am heartbroken but at least I now know where I stand which isnt anywhere at all.

It turned into I should be grateful for his Mrs because her salary allows him to be self employed which allows us to be together.

[Whaatamidoing]

I truly cannot get over how he turned this around. He made out as though I don't contribute and that the company basically pays me so he can have sex with me whenever he likes.

I am so hurt not only in my heart but professionally as well. We have been working together for 5 years and before that I had a well established, good job. Hes making out as if i was nothing before we started the business.

Why is he using the business to hurt me.

I'm not in a good place at all right now.