Feel like i'm going crazy

[Beca L]

58 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I truly cannot get over how he turned this around. He made out as though I don't contribute and that the company basically pays me so he can have sex with me whenever he likes.

I am so hurt not only in my heart but professionally as well. We have been working together for 5 years and before that I had a well established, good job. Hes making out as if i was nothing before we started the business.

Why is he using the business to hurt me.

I'm not in a good place at all right now.

Gosh he is a real piece of work. I'm so sorry you are going through this, I remember the pain so well. Are you in the UK? 

Like I said before it's all about self preservation, he's thinking only of himself. Probably panicking that you are about to disrupt his lovely set up, scared his W might find out, he's losing a great business partner, how is he going to explain that to the W ???

Remember to some the best form of defence is attack ! We kind of knew this would happen, you can't suddenly extricate yourself from this situation without there being a lot of pain. Don't let this put you off, if anything it should drive you forward to fight tooth and nail for what you deserve. Have you spoken to a lawyer? Also I would try and see a counsellor, asap. They are doing online sessions or on the phone. You need lots of support right now. Can you talk to friends or family? does anyone know ? can you trust a friend to confide in?

You deserve better please remember that, these men really show who they and what they are capable of at times like this, just remember that. (((hugs)))

[pepperbird2]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I truly cannot get over how he turned this around. He made out as though I don't contribute and that the company basically pays me so he can have sex with me whenever he likes.

I am so hurt not only in my heart but professionally as well. We have been working together for 5 years and before that I had a well established, good job. Hes making out as if i was nothing before we started the business.

Why is he using the business to hurt me.

I'm not in a good place at all right now.

Good god what a letch! I'd like to give this guy a good swift kick in the behind.
It sounds very much to me like he's not really capable of seeing anything beyond himself. He's being cruel to you and he's doing the same to his wife, going behind her back, basically laughing at her because in effect, she's funding his affair. The way he talks about her shows how he views people in his life- you included. There to meet his needs, but there's little to no reciprocation.

Before he makes those sort of snide remarks about you and he business you have built, maybe he ought to spare a thought to how much you have contributed. Without you, would there even be a business? He needs you just as much ( or more) as you need him.

I'd love to know where his sense of entitlement comes from.

 

[Wiseman2]

If you "feel like you're going crazy", perhaps it's time to feel like you are "going sane" and stop dating married men.

[Whaatamidoing]

I am in the UK.

Thanks so much for being there, I'm devastated, I cant seem to concentrate at the moment because things he have said just keep coming back to me.

I think that's part of why I am finding this hard because I have no one I can confide in and it just stays inside you.

He will explain it like he always explains things to other people about a situation that's not gone his way, its always someone else fault. So many of his traits i recognise as someone who is a narcissist, using people and being nice to them until he has what he wants from them.

I think because hes older than me he seems to think he is the focus of everything. I don't see how his comparison of my involvement is any more than prostitution. I'm talking about someone who said they loved me and only last week when i said it back he said he wouldn't have it any other way. Clearly not the case. 

I really feel like hes going to ruin me if i try and do anything. Hes made me feel worthless both personally and professionally.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I really feel like hes going to ruin me if i try and do anything. 

Well that's sexual harassment. So report him. Keep in mind it's as simple as telling his wife about you two.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

Like I said before it's all about self preservation

As it should be for you too OP.

Would it help you to feel a little more control if you talk with a lawyer? They would be able to tell you where you stand with the business.

And more, I would really encourage you, as an act of self preservation, to contact a counsellor. You will need support if you plan to step away from this situation. Try to do what you can to care for yourself - eat well, try to sleep, go for a walk, listen to calming music. If you have no one to talk with, journal your feelings or post here. 

I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this... but, I think you know what you have to do. Hugs. 

Edited February 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

So many of his traits i recognise as someone who is a narcissist, using people and being nice to them until he has what he wants from them.

That sounds about right. When you look at the man from a different perspective, it’s not pretty. 

I too would like to know where his sense of entitlement comes from? 

He must feel pretty confident that you are not going to tell his wife for him to say those things to you. He’s likely to become more desperate and more threatening when he understands that you are serious.

I would be looking for another job, regardless of what you decided about the business it sounds like you are going to need to find other employment. 

[Snakesalive]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

not gone his way, its always someone else fault. So many of his traits i recognise as someone who is a narcissist, using people and being nice to them until he has what he wants from them.

I think because hes older than me he seems to think he is the focus of everything. I don't see how his comparison of my involvement is any more than prostitution. I'm talking about someone who said they loved me and only last week when i said it back he said he wouldn't have it any other way. Clearly not the case. 

I really feel like hes going to ruin me if i try and do anything. Hes made me feel worthless both personally and professionally.

My heart goes out to you . Firstly please do as others have suggested and get some counselling , we are all here to support you too. 
I can completely relate to the narcissist traits -me ex mm also did the same love bombing to the discard  stage it’s classic behaviour I’m afraid and hurts like a pain I’ve never had . 
Please  don’t feel worthless these people target people like us to be their OW because we are kind , compassionate etc (yes I know people will question that given the situation we’ve put ourselves in ) 

I’m sure you’re very smart -make yourself an exit plan as something practical -steps in your plan :get a lawyer , see a counsellor etc -having a plan will help you feel more  in control and help distract you from going over what he says constantly. Again I know this is hard but believe me you don’t want this person in your life . 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I am in the UK.

Thanks so much for being there, I'm devastated, I cant seem to concentrate at the moment because things he have said just keep coming back to me.

I think that's part of why I am finding this hard because I have no one I can confide in and it just stays inside you.

He will explain it like he always explains things to other people about a situation that's not gone his way, its always someone else fault. So many of his traits i recognise as someone who is a narcissist, using people and being nice to them until he has what he wants from them.

I think because hes older than me he seems to think he is the focus of everything. I don't see how his comparison of my involvement is any more than prostitution. I'm talking about someone who said they loved me and only last week when i said it back he said he wouldn't have it any other way. Clearly not the case. 

I really feel like hes going to ruin me if i try and do anything. Hes made me feel worthless both personally and professionally.

 

 

We are all here for you and so many of us have been through something very similar. I think if I was you I would be speaking to a lawyer asap. I know you can call lawyers in the UK and have an initial consultation for free. I know this is hard but losing it with him or getting upset doesn't work, I tried that and I'm ashamed of how I behaved when I look back at things. I realise now that if I could have got the strength to just be calm and cold it would have been easier for me to move on and it would have done more damage to xMM. You need to not feel worthless because you are not, get on your white horse and hold your head up high. He will give you what you deserve in regards to the business otherwise his world will come crashing down around him (once his BS finds out the truth). I agree with Bailey you need to start looking for work alternatives asap and a counsellor. This is a great website www.counselling-directory.org.uk and you can search for people in your area. They have photos and excellent write ups so you can decide who would best suit your needs. 

I know you must be feeling terrible and heartbroken but these men are parasites, worst of the worst and try to remember all the horrible things he has done this will help you to move on and give you the strength to fight for your business and your future. xo

[Amethyst68]

Ok, first of all I'm from the UK and a school principal certainly doesn't earn enough to support their partner running their own business for five without that business running a profit. 

I also can't imagine that he would have set up a partnership without his wife meeting his business partner, especially if it was her money funding the operation. 

You say you're a partner, he says he employs you. What's the truth of the matter? I suspect you may need to see a lawyer to find out the truth about how the company is actually set up. 

Did you put any money into the start up? Did he in fact employ you and then give you a fancy title, telling you that you were his work partner? It's important to know for definite going forward.

I don't really get all the hate towards the MM here. As far as I can see he's one of the who have never lied about his intentions, never future faked etc. You're the one that's changed the expectations here, yet you entered into a relationship with a man who was married and makes no attempt to hide his commitment to that marriage. You're the only person who can change that. 

I've said it before, the only victim here is the wife and if she's still supporting your business in any way, and that includes letting her husband stay self employed then she's being doubly screwed. With nobody apparently feeling any guilt whatsoever!

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

You say you're a partner, he says he employs you. What's the truth of the matter? I suspect you may need to see a lawyer to find out the truth about how the company is actually set up. 

Personally, I don’t believe that his wife is financing the business. Perhaps, when the venture was in its infancy... but, if this was the case ongoing then he is running a very poor business. I think he made that comment to be hurtful, and to intimidate you.

I suspect that this is more of an informal arrangement. My father has had several such partnerships over his career, and it’s dicey when they end if you do not have a formal agreement in place and spells out what happens upon the dissolution of the partnership. It’s very stressful, but you can recover. Whatever money you lose may well be worth it to get a fresh start without your former business partner. 

The important thing is to talk with a lawyer. Learn the facts - not the facts, according to your affair partner. And don’t let him bully you into submission...
 

Edited February 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I suspect that this is more of an informal arrangement.

What I should have said is, if this is the case it leaves it more open for interpretation. Which is why, you really need the advice of the lawyer.

He doesn’t want you to challenge him, which is why he is trying to intimidate and hurt you. He continues to try to manipulate the situation, and manipulate you. He is hoping that you will walk away in shame, broken hearted and beaten. 

But even if you decide to walk away, you don’t have to do that beaten and defeated. 

Only a lawyer can tell you if you have reason to challenge. I will say, the guy has got balls if he speaks to you such, knowing that you could tell his wife at any time. It makes me wonder if she is aware of his exploits, and they have come to some kind of understanding? Or perhaps, he is planning to blame shift and paint you as the aggressor, the one who wanted both the man and the business... but, having not gotten your man, you are going after the business. He’s not going to fight fair, you must prepare yourself.

You may decide it’s not worth the fight, for your sanity and mental health. But get the facts first - talk to the lawyer. Perhaps it will make your decision more clear...

Edited February 9, 2021 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

29 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Personally, I don’t believe that his wife is financing the business. Perhaps, when the venture was in its infancy... but, if this was the case ongoing then he is running a very poor business. I think he made that comment to be hurtful, and to intimidate you.

I suspect that this is more of an informal arrangement. My father has had several such partnerships over his career, and it’s dicey when they end if you do not have a formal agreement in place and spells out what happens upon the dissolution of the partnership. It’s very stressful, but you can recover. Whatever money you lose may well be worth it to get a fresh start without your former business partner. 

The important thing is to talk with a lawyer. Learn the facts - not the facts, according to your affair partner. And don’t let him bully you into submission...
 

I actually agree with you but in the UK it does matter how the company's set up for tax purposes. The OP can't be an informal partner, she either is or isn't which is why I recommended being a lawyer. 

If you don't think the wife was screwed being used to help setting up a business for her husband and his OW then we'll have to agree to disagree. The affair was already 2 years old at that time and if it was a true business partnership then I suspect tbe wife would have wanted to meet the person her own standard of living would have relied on. I know I would have before consenting to it. 

I know this is the OW forum and I do hope this latest info gives the OP the push she needs to get out but choosing to work with him meant she knew she was enmeshing her life with his family to a ridiculous degree, and with no guilt that I can see. 

[Whaatamidoing]

The confusion comes because we run two businesses, one of which I am a 50/50 partner and one of which I am not. We run one business to bring in money to develop (where i am involved) and the other business is our bread and butter where we offer consultancy because there aren't always projects available one after the other.

He is suggesting that their lifestyle warrants a much larger wage from the company he runs on his own, the only reason he can continue to run that business when we are between projects is because her large salary supports them, he is saying he takes a smaller wage to keep me, which isn't big enough to support their lifestyle if she didn't earn a high income like she does. He was suggesting that if she earned a normal wage then the times between projects wouldn't be spent in the other business by both of us (together) but would mean resorting to employment for us both. 

I fail to see how that is anything to do with me, I have been number crunching this afternoon and I bring enough into the company where I am not partner to cover myself and our office overhead before I have considered what he brings in. So what he is saying is lies, I have previously not analysed that company because he has never mentioned it was failing or that the earnings within it do not cover what we take from it.

He lied to me to make me feel guilty and that he supports me between projects, he doesn't support me, I earn my keep with profit which goes directly in his/his family's pocket.

Its a pretty low blow to suggest his wife is supporting me. I've been through 2019 and 2020 accounts to ensure that has not been the case and it certainly hasn't. His mismanagement of his own earnings is nothing to do with me, nor his ability to pay his personal tax bill but he put that on me also. He is taking out his inability to fund their lavish lifestyle on me because i have threatened to take away his ability to even further.

I am also at a loss as to why he doesn't think I would ever tell her, he makes no attempt to keep me happy or recognise his behaviour as unacceptable. I think ideally he would like me to just disappear but after number crunching this afternoon, I am angry more than anything that he is trying to make me feel guilty purely out of spite.

The more I have discovered in the last 2 days has made me realise she is welcome to him. His behaviour is so typically narcissistic when you read about it further.

I am trying to be strong but I am so angry and heart broken. This is someone I love, its clear he doesn't care about me one bit as long as his lifestyle equilibrium isn't upset.

[Whaatamidoing]

Of course I feel guilt but what am I supposed to do because I feel guilt, hand over everything and accept that as my punishment.
It takes two for these things to happen, I love him and he was a leader in this, I was swept away by it all, there was a time when it felt like it was us both against the world, its gone on and on like this, it wasnt that I was happy with the arrangement, it was that I felt whilst his kids were young that there was no other way to resolve and I would eventually have my time with him. 
I came on here, asking for some advice about how I was being treated and although many think its deserving, the bad times far out way the good at the moment. The watching from the side-lines of them preparing for their retirement made me realise that my day will actually never come.
Its not about not feeling guilty, I was constantly having to hear about their everyday lives and I didnt know how to deal with it. I know it sounds ridiculous but i am sure there are plenty of other women on here who love someone who is clearly devoted to someone else. It made me mad that i was contributing to what will be there life sailing off into the sunset. Stupidly I thought I was different for him, sadly not the case. Its text book affair.

 

[Snakesalive]

38 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

The confusion comes because we run two businesse

Are you classed as an employee in the one you’re not a partner of ? 

[sandylee1]

7 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I truly cannot get over how he turned this around. He made out as though I don't contribute and that the company basically pays me so he can have sex with me whenever he likes.

I am so hurt not only in my heart but professionally as well. We have been working together for 5 years and before that I had a well established, good job. Hes making out as if i was nothing before we started the business.

Why is he using the business to hurt me.

I'm not in a good place at all right now.

He's annoyed that you are trying to tell him how you feel about the situation, because you're not behaving like a good OW.

A good OW (for the MM) takes what she gets and is available to satisfy his sexual/and or emotional needs when it suits him. 

So in order to put you back in the compliant OW box you've happily been in for 7 years...(because as far as he's concerned if you weren't happy or so in love you'd have moved on) he puts you down and literally shows you this is nothing more than sex for him.

I'm not usually a fan of the OW telling the wife, but he's so damn sure you won't I'd be fumming. 

It's very clear who holds the power in this affair relationship.

He obviously thinks that any good looking younger woman like yourself, who basically puts her life on hold and accepts the position of being a secret lover for this long, is not someone who dare tell him what to do.

In 7 years of this, you haven't been able to introduce your BF to anyone, go out with him freely in public, go on holidays, spend Christmas, Valentines day or other special days with him!

If you were ever in doubt before this, you now know he doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself.

 

[pepperbird2]

OP,

is he the kind of guy who tried to keep you off centre? If so, it may be hard,  but try not to let him do that.
Try taking some of your power back. i know it might sound silly, but it really does work. Meet with lawyers or other advisers to find out just where you stand in term of the businesses. See a counsellor as well to help sort through all this emotionally. I have no idea if he's a narcissist or not, but even if he isn't some of the techniques for dealing with one may be helpful to you.
remember- you got along just fine before him, and you can and will get along just fine without him, if that's the choice you make.

Add to to that...it's so easy to lose yourself in a relationship. Do you feel that's happened to you? if so, maybe you should focus on finding "you " again. Let him sit in the muck he's created.

[Whaatamidoing]

I'm self employed in the one I'm not in. It seems he had some basis covered.

I've completely lost myself with him. I didn't mean to, I didn't intentionally create any of this but I'm trying to untangle the mess. 

I really am thinking about why he isn't worried about me telling her. Unless I'm one of a few. I really don't know, he'd likely get away with me being the pursuant, he's claimed it before when she read a text id sent.

I hope he realises that she won't pay him anywhere near as much as attention when im not around anymore. He's going to get nothing from me and I'm pretty sure I'm what keeps her so keen.

[Lorryborry]

On 2/4/2021 at 6:47 AM, BaileyB said:

Indeed. It was much more convenient for you to carry on your relationship with your work husband (“we have told each other we love each other and we act like a couple behind closed doors, Monday to Friday 9-5”) when his wife wasn’t calling throughout the day. 

It is a fantasy you have built here. You are angry at his wife for interfering in your happy future. You are angry at this man for choosing her over you - buying a dream home, protecting her feelings not yours. 

The simple truth is - you are the interloper here. You say that you know that but you apparently don’t accept that or you wouldn’t be complaining about his wife’s presence in your lives. 

Girl, you got to get real. Your lives are intertwined in ways that are not healthy for you. You are in deep here and it’s going to be a real challenge to make this better. 

But she can.  Its going to be hard but its possible.  

[redacted]

Edited February 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lorryborry said:

But she can.  Its going to be hard but its possible.

At this point, I think it’s going to be darn near impossible to stay. And it seems that she is coming to understand that...

[Beca L]

4 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I am trying to be strong but I am so angry and heart broken. This is someone I love, its clear he doesn't care about me one bit as long as his lifestyle equilibrium isn't upset.

How are you feeling tonight? I'm so sorry that you are going through this and trying to cope with not only the break up of the affair but your business and all the complications of dissolving a partnership. This man is a proven liar so unfortunately you cannot believe anything he says, you need to take matters in to your own hands and consult lawyers and deal with things that way from now on. He will say and do whatever he can in order to keep the status quo and also to deny you your money and stake in the company. Do not listen to anything he has said in regards to his wife and how she has funded the business and your salary etc, it's all BS. Tactics to make you feel worthless and him superior. 

It is going to take some time to come to terms with what has happened and how someone who you loved and told you that he loved you could behave this way. I'm still coming to terms with how I was deceived and conned. Please confide in someone, you need some advise and support. xo

[Beca L]

2 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I really am thinking about why he isn't worried about me telling her. Unless I'm one of a few. I really don't know, he'd likely get away with me being the pursuant, he's claimed it before when she read a text id sent.

It's interesting. She maybe already knows of his philandering ways and turns a blind eye or he is convinced that she would be so desperate to keep him that finding out about the affair with you will not change a thing. Unfortunately all too often BW will take back their cheating H. My xMM left his W before we properly got together, we had a year together, travelled, visited each other's families and were practically living together for most of the 12 months yet after all that time his BW still took him back when he begged to return, I'm not sure I could have done that.  

[Snakesalive]

27 minutes ago, Beca L said:

How are you feeling tonight? I'm so sorry that you are going through this and trying to cope with not only the break up of the affair but your business and all the complications of dissolving a partnership. This man is a proven liar so unfortunately you cannot believe anything he says, you need to take matters in to your own hands and consult lawyers and deal with things that way from now on. He will say and do whatever he can in order to keep the status quo and also to deny you your money and stake in the company. Do not listen to anything he has said in regards to his wife and how she has funded the business and your salary etc, it's all BS. Tactics to make you feel worthless and him superior. 

It is going to take some time to come to terms with what has happened and how someone who you loved and told you that he loved you could behave this way. I'm still coming to terms with how I was deceived and conned. Please confide in someone, you need some advise and support. xo

 

5 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

The confusion comes because we run two businesses, one of which I am a 50/50 partner and one of which I am not. We run one business to bring in money to develop (where i am involved) and the other business is our bread and butter where we offer consultancy because there aren't always projects available one after the other.

He is suggesting that their lifestyle warrants a much larger wage from the company he runs on his own, the only reason he can continue to run that business when we are between projects is because her large salary supports them, he is saying he takes a smaller wage to keep me, which isn't big enough to support their lifestyle if she didn't earn a high income like she does. He was suggesting that if she earned a normal wage then the times between projects wouldn't be spent in the other business by both of us (together) but would mean resorting to employment for us both. 

I fail to see how that is anything to do with me, I have been number crunching this afternoon and I bring enough into the company where I am not partner to cover myself and our office overhead before I have considered what he brings in. So what he is saying is lies, I have previously not analysed that company because he has never mentioned it was failing or that the earnings within it do not cover what we take from it.

He lied to me to make me feel guilty and that he supports me between projects, he doesn't support me, I earn my keep with profit which goes directly in his/his family's pocket.

Its a pretty low blow to suggest his wife is supporting me. I've been through 2019 and 2020 accounts to ensure that has not been the case and it certainly hasn't. His mismanagement of his own earnings is nothing to do with me, nor his ability to pay his personal tax bill but he put that on me also. He is taking out his inability to fund their lavish lifestyle on me because i have threatened to take away his ability to even further.

I am also at a loss as to why he doesn't think I would ever tell her, he makes no attempt to keep me happy or recognise his behaviour as unacceptable. I think ideally he would like me to just disappear but after number crunching this afternoon, I am angry more than anything that he is trying to make me feel guilty purely out of spite.

The more I have discovered in the last 2 days has made me realise she is welcome to him. His behaviour is so typically narcissistic when you read about it further.

I am trying to be strong but I am so angry and heart broken. This is someone I love, its clear he doesn't care about me one bit as long as his lifestyle equilibrium isn't upset.

Wow how much has he underestimated you   you’re strong and can get through this . Xo

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

She maybe already knows of his philandering ways and turns a blind eye

I have a feeling that she is aware of his philandering ways... I wouldn’t be surprised if she hasn’t decided to turn a blind eye, as you say - they have a lifestyle to maintain. Particularly because you said she discovered a text, and he pushed the blame onto you... She may not realize how involved you really are, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she had some knowledge... I also wouldn’t be surprised if there are others, or have previously been others... Based on your description Op, this is not a man of virtue or remorse. 

And Becca, it stuns me how some women will take back their wandering husbands... I can understand the desire to keep your family together for so many different reasons... but, my husband choses another woman and lives with her for another year - he better not come knocking on my door again!! It is kind of stunning that she took him back. 

 

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

You need to take matters in to your own hands and consult lawyers and deal with things that way from now on. He will say and do whatever he can in order to keep the status quo and also to deny you your money and stake in the company. Do not listen to anything he has said in regards to his wife and how she has funded the business and your salary etc, it's all BS.

This is very well said. If you can find other employment, you can communicate with the man through your lawyers. He is going to do everything he can to intimidate and manipulate you in an attempt to get the best deal - for himself. 

Edited February 9, 2021 by BaileyB