Snakesalive Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said: I think it would be worse if he was trying to contact me but at the same time, I just dont know how you can tell someone you love them and then not care about them at a time like this. Its so hard to swallow and just adds to my feeling like a fool. Im trying so hard to distract myself in work but thats quite difficult because everything around me just reminds me of him. My other worry is taking any time off and I'll completely break. This really is rock bottom and I think whats making it so much worse is feeling my world is crumbling and not being able to tell anyone. I know how this feels I used to work with my ex and I’m applying for new jobs and talking about my work experience which reminds me of him 😡 I’m studying for a new qualification jso I have a distraction , improve my career prospects and importantly so I have something to put on my CV that’s mine and has no connection to him . You’ll be surprised when you get to that place how resourceful you get at trying to find ways to deal with your heartbreak 😳 The only way from Rock bottom is up -please keep talking to us -no one can take your pain away but just know many of us have been in your place and are surviving-you will too xo Edited February 16, 2021 by Snakesalive Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, sandylee1 said: You did the right thing in ending it. Do not go back on that good decision. He's probably hoping you will apologise and get back to being his compliant OW. I could have missed something, but I don’t really think she has she has ended it. He went home and he has begun communicating only by email. What have you done to protect/care for yourself? Have you seen a lawyer or made an appointment with a counsellor? Edited February 16, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 36 minutes ago, BaileyB said: e you done to protect/care for yourself? Have you seen a lawyer or made an appointment with a counsellor Would totally endorse seeing a counsellor -as I said before it helped stop the awful sense of panic and hopelessness I experienced In the first few weeks Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 2 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said: I think it would be worse if he was trying to contact me but at the same time, I just dont know how you can tell someone you love them and then not care about them at a time like this. Its so hard to swallow and just adds to my feeling like a fool. Im trying so hard to distract myself in work but thats quite difficult because everything around me just reminds me of him. My other worry is taking any time off and I'll completely break. This really is rock bottom and I think whats making it so much worse is feeling my world is crumbling and not being able to tell anyone. And if he were contacting you, and telling you how much he loves you and misses you, you'd just be drawn right back in - wash, rinse, repeat. Consider yourself fortunate that he is respecting your wishes. The fact that he is tells you in no uncertain terms, exactly what you mean to him compared to his marriage and his family life. Take it as a gift. Yes, it hurts but so much better for you in the long run. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 5 hours ago, BaileyB said: I could have missed something, but I don’t really think she has she has ended it. He went home and he has begun communicating only by email. What have you done to protect/care for yourself? Have you seen a lawyer or made an appointment with a counsellor? Oh. I thought it was over after the conversation with him, where he said she should be grateful to his wife, as her income enabled them to have time together. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) 31 minutes ago, sandylee1 said: Oh. I thought it was over after the conversation with him, where he said she should be grateful to his wife, as her income enabled them to have time together. I thought that was just a discussion. Perhaps OP can clarify whether she told him that it was over and asked him to leave her alone. For someone who has ended the relationship, she is still really focused on the man and waiting/watching to see what he will do next. I don’t get the sense that she has actually communicated that she wants to end the relationship as much as they have just gone to their separate corners, and she is very much waiting to see what his next move will be... And if he came back with an apology and a promise tomorrow, I do believe that she would be back in the affair... ETA: I went back over previous posts and she doesn’t say whether she told him it was over, or not. She is angry, they talked about the business, he threatened her with professional ruin - probably trying to restore equilibrium. He, as she says, “left her hanging” when he went home and limited communication. I get the sense that this is a game of chicken right now... both people waiting to see what the other will do. But, I don’t see anywhere that she told him it was over - just that she was very unhappy with the current state of affairs... Edited February 16, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: I thought that was just a discussion. Perhaps OP can clarify whether she told him that it was over and asked him to leave her alone. For someone who has ended the relationship, she is still really focused on the man and waiting/watching to see what he will do next. I don’t get the sense that she has actually ended it as much as they have just gone to their separate corners, and she is very much waiting to see what his next move will be... And if he came back with an apology and a promise tomorrow, I do believe that she would be back in the affair... I just assumed that conversation showed the OP he was all fir himself and she was done with it. *WhatdoIdonow* what would you say if he said he would try and get his wife not to call as much/not take her calls and told you how much he loved you and would like things to get back to 'normal'? Would you get back into it or has his response made it really clear there's no future with him? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, sandylee1 said: I just assumed that conversation showed the OP he was all fir himself and she was done with it. But, did she tell him that? Or is this something that she is thinking, as she continues to process everything that has happened and what she plans to do moving forward? I’m not sure. Edited February 16, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whaatamidoing Posted February 16, 2021 Author Share Posted February 16, 2021 He has not contacted me and I'm trying my hardest not to resume any contact other than professional. When I told him I wasn't happy I said that unless I abide by your rules and stay in my box then thats it isn't it. He said yes. My head knows its over but my heart will take a long time to catch up. I know him and I know that he will never compromise his relationship with his wife where he would ever limit contact in my presence. I am nothing more than a cheap convenience. Its been ongoing for a while and I think I was probably a ticking bomb. In previous instances where I've shown my unhappiness he's ignored me for a few days with me trying to make contact and then acts like nothing has happened. Never apologising or alternating his behaviour, me just going back to being trodden on. Its different this time, I'm done not being good enough to be chosen. We haven't outright said its over to each other. I'm looking for other work because I think I need to just give it up and move on. I've been so so stupid in mixing the two things together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 (edited) Well, that sounds a little more convincing. Good for you. He’s probably waiting to see if you will give in, as you have in the past. Either that or he senses that this time is different, and he has withdrawn in an attempt to limit the damage/protect himself and his family. I’m glad to hear that you have started looking for other employment. Staying would be untenable long term. Edited February 16, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Snakesalive Posted February 16, 2021 Share Posted February 16, 2021 7 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Staying would be untenable long term. Totally agree it will be impossible to stay focused on moving by on while ever there is this attachment Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 Have not read all the responses but as someone who at one point fell for a married man at work, I think I have some valuable inputs to provide. Although my case wasn’t anything like yours. He was a friend and so I kept my feelings to myself but every time I saw his lovey dovey pictures with his wife it was like a dagger in my heart. After months of going back and forth.. I couldnt take it anymore. It was time to rip off the band aid. I completely cut him off from my life. Which meant I had to cut off many common friends too. The initial week was buckets of tears. But after crying continuously for a week.. I felt light. Decision was made and I knew this was for better. I had taken a step in right direction. After that it wasn’t so hard anymore. Within few months I was going out on new dates. In your case obviously it is more complicated. But I think you need to rip off the band aid too. Remove yourself and your family from his life. Do whatever it takes to get this done. It will suck initially but you will feel better knowing you are getting out of a toxic situation and can date a man that is single and available. Your mental health will improve. You will respect yourself more. Frankly there is nothing here with his man for you. If you show some courage and weather the storm.. trust me you will find someone that will love you like you deserve. Not being someone’s secret side chick. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 On 2/16/2021 at 12:42 PM, Whaatamidoing said: I've been so so stupid in mixing the two things together. No don’t call yourself stupid. You made bad choices. We all do. It’s nothing that cannot be fixed. Stay strong and get out of this mess. You can do this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whaatamidoing Posted February 23, 2021 Author Share Posted February 23, 2021 Thanks @winny for your encouraging words. I am in a bit of an odd place at the moment because I am trying to deal with a broken heart but my head feels refreshed. Weirdly some things have gone very right businesswise these last few days, some money we didn't count on ever coming in came in, a policy from a while back matured, we have a buyer for a development sale. The work on his side has come pouring in so he has had no choice but to speak to me and be nice to me. I did reach breaking point and he broke me. I cant shake off the anger I feel for him and more his wife (I know, I have no right but its there and I'm trying to untangle my brain). Part of my anger towards her is jealousy I suppose in that she has no idea what he's really like, she is still blissfully unaware. Anger doesn't make sense here and I'm sure it will turn eventually into feeling for her that she's stuck with him but i suppose I'm struggling with the fact my fairy-tale doesn't exist and she's living hers. Two things I've realised in the last few days is that we are very different, he and I. He will never be happy, no matter what he has, two women, four women, holidays, cars, houses, horses, whatever, it will never be enough for him. I was happy with him when we were fighting the bailiffs and I was happy with him when things were going good. He has to have money and possessions to be happy, this is where I believe he is better suited to his wife, they are materialistic together. Stupidly I thought him liking me was because I was different to that. I showed him how much fun we could have at a picnic which cost £4 instead of a fancy restaurant. He came down to my level, to play me I can see now. The other thing I've realised is what being part of this affair has done to my thinking, its made me a very ugly thinker. It's made me jealous and ugly on the inside. Hoping that they don't have a nice time when they are together. I don't want to be someone who doesn't wish other people well. I am hoping this is just down to my current circumstance but I feel like he's moulded me to be like this, always comparing us or dropping in comments when we had a disagreement like I can go home and get this treatment so I would back down just to not be like his wife. I know I have had a massive part to play in all of this but I just cant get over the amount of manipulation. He knows its over between us, he's been working from home but when he calls he says to me, laugh like you used to. I'm just really trying to be strong and carry on out of necessity, I am silent when he says these things, I think he's hoping ill take it all back but he really broke me, he pushed me to a point where I couldn't handle it any more. I still love him and that wont go away but I'm really seeing him for what he is and its allowing me to breathe. I have been alone and its been almost a relief to not have to worry about him taking 25 phone calls a day, its been a relief not to hear her voice, or hear of their plans for the weekend or hear of their plans for their house or land, its been such a relief to not have to think about her for these last few days. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 I admire your strength. I hope your resolve lasts... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Soul-shards Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 I was so sorry to read your story, whatamIdoing. Like everyone else said, this upcoming period will be difficult for you, but life will go on. I know this is not going to help as you say you still love him, but if it makes sense only intellectually, it's still something. This stood out to me: Quote He has to have money and possessions to be happy, this is where I believe he is better suited to his wife, they are materialistic together. Let them have each other as they deserve each other. It is never a good idea for people with an internal life and a soul texture (which you seem to have) to fall for, or marry materialistic people. It NEVER works out well, whether the relationship lasts for eternity or not. When people hear "materialistic," they always think of some "Greed-is-Good" Wall Street type who is making out like a bandit and has 3 yachts. No, that's not what I refer to. Those are just super-success stories for materialists but in reality, MOST people are materialistic, well-off or not. It's the mentality that keeps them shallow, on the surface and prevents them from developing any sense of inner life or any transcendental aspiration. The same people also tend to be very lust-driven. It is what causes them to believe that a good relationship is one where there is material stability, social standing, social functioning, sex - even without connection, and routine tasks dutifully done. That should do it. Some of these people can be what society deems to be the most outstanding, reliable, wonderful pillars of society. Nobody would ever think of describing them as "materialists" as this word has a negative connotation and they can be SUPER NICE people, superficially. Yet, many are exactly that materialists. They can't get past matter - the surface. Your guy is THIS without the niceness - so much, much worse. Keep this in mind when you will be free of him. I used to pine for a man like that in my youth (the epitome of social success with great looks). That's when I was still impressionable and under a ton of social influence (no affair involved, both of us were single). Only later did I realize how unattractive he was relative to what my soul trully needed. One day, you will look back and only regret the time wasted - but then again, many of us have time-related regrets, so if this is any consolation - you will be in warm company. Take care! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 The one person who hasn't done anything wrong here is his wife. Whilst you may be jealous of her, there's nothing to be jealous of. She has a husband who has been cheating on her for 7 years...that's not something to be jealous of. I know it's because she has what you want...him. She's been lied to for over 2500 days by him...I'd feel pity for her. He's no prize. You can do better than this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Soul-shards Posted February 23, 2021 Share Posted February 23, 2021 I agree with the above. OW who consciously go into an A with even an oz of jealousy towards the W, are completely irrational beings. You either accept the inherently polygamous situation or you don't. You can't agree to be in an A and still allow yourself to feel in monogamous ways. I do empathize with the "I can't control what I feel" angle but at some point, the feelings for MM and the feelings of jealousy must battle it out and one must win over the other. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whaatamidoing Posted March 3, 2021 Author Share Posted March 3, 2021 I'm sorry to keep this thread alive but I think Im treating it a bit like therapy. Its hard at the moment, this thing is consuming every thought of the day but I have no real life outlet for it. I have friends but I fear they see things black and white and will not understand where I am coming from in trying not to love a man who is married to someone else. Its been a few weeks since we have seen each other face to face, I was trying to enjoy having my life wife and husband free with minimal business interactions via telephone, the majority done through email. We are supposed to share an office, a base which basically now I look at it was his suggestion so we didn't have to shell out for hotels. It makes me feel a bit sick being here, i didn't think I was so cheap, clearly I am. He came in yesterday. I tried to just be pleasant but there is so much unsaid between us, especially on my part. I want him to know how much he's hurt me, I want him to know how used I feel and how this isn't out of the blue, its been a massive build up of years of being treated the same. He let me down so often, he would always say before a morning meeting lets grab a breakfast together, so naturally I wouldn't eat breakfast thinking we would have it together, 9 times out of 10 something would come up at home and he wouldn't turn up or say actually can we just get going, skipping breakfast. I would be starving. On the times we did actually get breakfast I had eaten 2 breakfasts because I didn't think he would show. I didnt realise how he treated me, how little I really was in his life. I sat in silence for most of the day, just getting on, I dont know how to talk to him without my emotions taking over. I was fine with this, I was ok with how it was going. No touches, just dealing with things platonically like colleagues should. He then said what type of roof would you put on this and handed me a sketch. The sketch was of his house, they are now putting an extension on it. I gave him my advice and then placed the sketch back on his desk. I wanted to cry, I wanted to shake with rage. Did he do this on purpose? After everything I have said about my inability to watch him live his life with someone else and put it so blatantly in my face. Fine, go and do it but why do I need to know about it, why does he feel the need to let me know that him and his wife will be picking out soft furnishings, I know its something so small but do you think he was playing me to see if I would react? I wanted to rip it up and put it up his nose. I just know when he goes home he would NEVER tell his wife Oh by the way Ive been talking with (my name) and she thinks we should do it like this. I know how petty I sound but Im not even slightly close to getting over him or this and I just feel like his one visit has set me back weeks. I just feel so utterly worthless. He never asks how I am, I suppose what I am seeing is the true him but it hurts like crazy. Ive made an appointment with a therapist, I just need to talk this out and understand that although I was the other woman and there is no excuse for that, he has really treated me very badly. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 3, 2021 Share Posted March 3, 2021 4 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said: He then said what type of roof would you put on this and handed me a sketch. The sketch was of his house, they are now putting an extension on it. Did he do this on purpose? Of course he did it on purpose. It’s a very passive aggressive reminder... a dig. In a way, he was punishing you. Glad to hear you have an appointment with a counsellor. Keep posting. Take care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 3, 2021 Share Posted March 3, 2021 Seriously! No, it’s not a small thing. Yes, he did it on purpose! You’re supposed to be okay with being in the box and agreeable that it’s his life that’s so important. What a jerk! Good for you for keeping it together but I almost wish you’d handed it back and said, “I really don’t care, it doesn’t affect me, why don’t you make this decision with your wife since you will be the two that have to live with it.” Yes he’s pushing, he’s a jerk. He knows how you feel, it’s never been about how you feel, it’s about how you make him feel. Arggg, I’m mad for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whaatamidoing Posted March 3, 2021 Author Share Posted March 3, 2021 Thank you for being mad for me. I wish so much I had said take it home, I was honestly just so shocked. It felt very cruel. Part of me wanted to say, do you really not have a single empathetic bone in your body that you are now asking me to comment on your home where you live with your wife, together, forever. Part of me just wanted to be ok with it. I'm not ok with it. I don't know how I can ever be ok with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted March 3, 2021 Share Posted March 3, 2021 6 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said: Thank you for being mad for me. I wish so much I had said take it home, I was honestly just so shocked. It felt very cruel. Part of me wanted to say, do you really not have a single empathetic bone in your body that you are now asking me to comment on your home where you live with your wife, together, forever. Part of me just wanted to be ok with it. I'm not ok with it. I don't know how I can ever be ok with it. Gently, he probably doesn't understand why you're upset. He's just going along with things the way he's always done. It's when our feelings catch up with us and we want to change the rules of the game that trouble starts. I really hope you can leave this job - nothing is more important than your well-being. This must be torture for you. I'm sure his wife isn't as clueless as you think - she may not know about the A but she lives with the guy and you can bet he's no Prince Charming at home (cheaters never are). So what they're getting a new roof. That's the boring stuff married people do. You know he doesn't care what you think of the new roof he and his W are picking out - he's just an ass who cheats on his W and is a jerk to you. Keep this in mind - there is nothing you can do, say, or way you can act that will resolve this in a favorable way for you so I wouldn't even try. You need to just leave him in your rear view and work on healing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 3, 2021 Share Posted March 3, 2021 3 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said: Thank you for being mad for me. I wish so much I had said take it home, I was honestly just so shocked. It felt very cruel. Part of me wanted to say, do you really not have a single empathetic bone in your body that you are now asking me to comment on your home where you live with your wife, together, forever. Part of me just wanted to be ok with it. I'm not ok with it. I don't know how I can ever be ok with it. When he asked about the roof, you should have directed him back to his wife. I don't know how you answered without telling him to Fu*k o**. He's a horrible man. This kind of behaviour should strengthen your resolve and help you see him for what he is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted March 3, 2021 Share Posted March 3, 2021 1 hour ago, sandylee1 said: When he asked about the roof, you should have directed him back to his wife. I don't know how you answered without telling him to Fu*k o**. He's a horrible man. This kind of behaviour should strengthen your resolve and help you see him for what he is. Either he's a complete emotional imbecile or he simply enjoys the "power" he feels. I find his behaviour abusive. OP, you shouldn't have to put up with this sort of heartache. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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