Fiancee cheated with ex and now committed to personal therapy and rebuilding relationship

[Gracie2727]

Hi, this is my story.

We have been dating for 3 years and have been the poster of deep, committed, blissful love.  We were engaged last fall.  Less than 2 months later, I received text messages from his ex.  They included screen shots of their text messages/sexting, plans of getting together (less than a week before he proposed) and a photo of them naked and physically together.  Over the three years, there were late night phone calls from her to him. Several text messages that were dicey enough that he had to explain them and situations where he was late or unusually close visits with his mother that gave me pause.  His reasoning was anything from, she drinks alone at night and is drunk dialing, she is crazy (I do know she is somewhat unstable), to I just need to be nice to her so I can finalize old financial issues.  Looking back, I can see I let my gut feelings by calmed by his answers.

I know now that the reasons given for the calls and texts , etc were all cover ups to the affair.  After I received the photos, I examined them thoroughly which was very emotionally difficult.  These were not photo shopped to incriminate, they were real.   I immediately flipped them right to him and made sure he knew he couldn't talk his way out of these and to not come home.  I would let him know when he could come get all of his belongings.  I followed through, changed the locks,  and packed up everything and put it all out in the garage. It may have been the calmest meltdown in history as I went through every room, every drawer and cabinet in the house to make sure he was purged from my surroundings.

When he arrived he wanted to talk and I let him.  He did look devastated, exhausted and I think he had lost at least five pounds in three days.  He told me he was devastated by what he had done to me with this "one" slip, ( which I immediately drove home and got him to admit it had been going on  during our entire relationship), that he knew he obviously had a problem (he also cheated on others)  and he was going to search out a therapist to find out why he did it.  He had already started to write an apology to all of our friends, my mother and to me.  He loved me, was so sorry and would work the rest of his life to earn my forgiveness even if I never let him back into my life. I told him he definitely had a problem, and he needed to work on it for himself, but he wasn't going to live with me and find his answers on my time.

It has now been 8 weeks (wow, seems longer). He did write and send all of those apologies, but is still unable to find the words to write to my adult son.  He has found a behavioral therapist.  As a new patient, his appointment isn't until May 13th.  I have my own therapist, and while I haven't been recently, I still couldn't get an appointment until March 31st, so I believe his appointment is actually that far off. We are both reading books to help us find our way until we can talk to a professional.  In the meantime, because of his efforts ( reading, journaling, publicly displaying his actions by his apology letters & doing anything I ask),  and my need for answers and healing, I have allowed him into my life on my terms.  We have  dates and try to spend quality time and we also meet once a week just for the purpose of healing.  I put together a list of questions or thoughts and he answers them. 

Tonight is one of our nights to talk and I've been working on my list.  As I did, a pattern emerged that revealed to me that he had never actually closed the door on their relationship. They did not have children together and the children he helped raise, are all adults.   I'm trying to figure out how he can show me that he has officially closed the door, welded the hinges and bricked over it.  Sorry, I'm really into imagery right now:)   I know actions carry more weight than words and it takes time to create actions.  Any ideas on how to determine if someone can and has disengaged from their past?  Any insight to my question or thoughts about what I've shared, will be greatly appreciated. Any suggested questions I should ask him are also welcomed.  Thank you

[josedelamuerte]

After someone's been lying to me day-in-day-out for three years, I probably wouldn't give him the time of day.

Man's a pathological liar, and those rarely recover.

Sorry.

[trident_2020]

You think a handful of therapy sessions is going to make a difference to this serial cheater?

The best analogy is the car crash and the resultant fire. You manage to get out of the seatbelt and crawl through an open window and crawl away from the wreckage before the whole thing explodes.

Why in the world would you want to jump back into it?

 

 

[notbroken]

He has shown you who he is through his actions.  Believe them.  He is a cheater and not to be trusted.  Do NOT marry him. 

[d0nnivain]

Walk away.  This can't be salvaged.  

[Crazelnut]

Wow. You have been amazingly strong. I'm sorry you're in this mess, but I admire your calmness. 

He is only sorry he got caught. He has no remorse for what he did. He lied to you every single day for 3 years!! He even tried to lie after you confronted him. This man is a serial cheater. Break up completely. Let him know that IF he gets his crap together (and he needs to prove it to you) and IF you're still available, MAYBE he can get a 2nd chance. But that is going to take a lot of time and effort on his part. It took me over 6 months of weekly therapy to get to where I could begin to understand why I cheated. 

Bottom line: you do not owe him a 2nd chance. 

[sandylee1]

I was amazed how quickly you got rid of him and how you handled it....why on earth are you now giving him the time of day.

He's a serial cheater and doesn't deserve your headspace. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 2/4/2021 at 12:11 PM, Gracie2727 said:

I immediately flipped them right to him and made sure he knew he couldn't talk his way out of these and to not come home.  I would let him know when he could come get all of his belongings.  I followed through, changed the locks,  and packed up everything and put it all out in the garage. It may have been the calmest meltdown in history as I went through every room, every drawer and cabinet in the house to make sure he was purged from my surroundings.

When he arrived he wanted to talk and I let him.  He did look devastated, exhausted and I think he had lost at least five pounds in three days.  He told me he was devastated by what he had done to me with this "one" slip, ( which I immediately drove home and got him to admit it had been going on  during our entire relationship), that he knew he obviously had a problem (he also cheated on others)  and he was going to search out a therapist to find out why he did it.  He had already started to write an apology to all of our friends, my mother and to me.  He loved me, was so sorry and would work the rest of his life to earn my forgiveness even if I never let him back into my life. I told him he definitely had a problem, and he needed to work on it for himself, but he wasn't going to live with me and find his answers on my time.

This is good!

On 2/4/2021 at 12:11 PM, Gracie2727 said:

I'm trying to figure out how he can show me that he has officially closed the door, welded the hinges and bricked over it. 

This is bad!

No no no! No more chances. He doesn't deserve one more second and will only weasel back to destroy your trust again. He has not changed his spots (leopards don't change their spots). He's a serial cheater and deceiver. He is incapable of different or better. He showed you who he truly is, which is someone not to be trusted...ever!

Do not be deceived again!

Edited February 7, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Added bold

[Crazelnut]

On 2/4/2021 at 12:11 PM, Gracie2727 said:

 I'm trying to figure out how he can show me that he has officially closed the door, welded the hinges and bricked over it.  Sorry, I'm really into imagery right now:)   I know actions carry more weight than words and it takes time to create actions.  Any ideas on how to determine if someone can and has disengaged from their past?

Big nope. It isn't YOUR responsibility to figure out how he can demonstrate he's a good boy. It is 100% on him. 

But again, I don't think he's worth reconciling with. He's going to break your heart again. 

[SRCSRC]

I agree with the others who have posted.  He has failed the marriage interview.  You marry him at your own peril.  

[merrmeade]

You may think he means it. He may think he means it. But what's he going to do in the future when you're settled and trusting? Even if he cut her out and gave you pass to his phone, he'd find another way and do you want to be checking all your life? 

He has no filter or control. Let him go.

[Wiseman2]

Therapy doesn't fix basic character flaws such as a lack of integrity.

He simply doesn't respect you and is indifferent to losing you.

Taking you for granted will accelerate exponentially if you marry.

What you came across is the tip of the iceberg.

Edited February 13, 2021 by Wiseman2

[salparadise]

On 2/4/2021 at 12:11 PM, Gracie2727 said:

Any insight to my question or thoughts about what I've shared, will be greatly appreciated.

He has shown you exactly who he is and what kind of behavior you can expect from him in the future. Why are you entertaining this dialog? Do you think this lier/cheater is the best you can do? I get that attachment doesn't disappear instantly; separating takes time and diligence... but remember, this guy didn't just have a momentary lapse of judgement. He lied and cheated throughout the entire relationship. This is who he is, he's not going to change.  

[pepperbird2]

My guess is he can't  be monogamous. It's just not in his nature. that doesn't  make him a bad person by itself,-what makes him bad is that he's dishonest. He's okay lying to you if it gets him what he wants. That won't change.  It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

[elaine567]

On 2/4/2021 at 5:11 PM, Gracie2727 said:

he knew he obviously had a problem (he also cheated on others)  and he was going to search out a therapist to find out why he did it.

He did it because he wanted to, no rocket science or therapist needed.
He lied to do what he wanted to do. 
I believe some women think that if they catch their man cheating, they can somehow change him, somehow make him true to her, somehow make him forget his cheating ways...
However cheating ways are not that easily removed. 
This man is no doubt bonded with his ex, so thinking he can suddenly forget her and be the perfect partner to the OP is naïve in the extreme. 
He can be oh so contrite, he can bat off her probing questions with oh so wonderful and plausible answers, but when her back is turned he will be back with his ex or some other woman as soon as he can.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

My guess is he can't  be monogamous. It's just not in his nature. that doesn't  make him a bad person by itself,-what makes him bad is that he's dishonest. He's okay lying to you if it gets him what he wants. That won't change.  It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

This. It’s not his first time, and as such I would not be inclined to give him another opportunity. 

Square peg, round hole. 

He also did not confess, he was discovered. Which while he has certainly been working hard to convince to you to take him back, is he actually remorseful or is he only sorry because he got caught. There is a big difference. 

I’m sorry this has happened to you. But, you have to ask yourself if you will be able to trust this man. My answer would be no, because I know that this is not just “one slip” and because of all the lies he told (about their finances, her drunk dialing, etc...). I don’t want this kind of drama in my life and I don’t want a partner who I can’t trust - who I have to monitor like a parent. 

 

[salparadise]

 

On 2/6/2021 at 10:29 PM, sandylee1 said:

I was amazed how quickly you got rid of him and how you handled it....why on earth are you now giving him the time of day.

I guess Gracie didn't hear what she was hoping to hear. I agree with Sandylee –– she was decisive initially as if she knew exactly how to handle it, but then she starts looking at this guy as a DIY project. She doesn't view his  ongoing cheating and deceit as a dealbreaker. It's not registering with her that this is exactly what she's signing up for in the future. I think it's a self-worth issue;  on some level she doesn't believe she deserves faithful, loyal, and devoted.