Wife decided to divorce me after 20 years of happy marriage

[World Peace Guy]

I am about to set out on the adventure of a life time. Going to be traveling around in Africa, creating paradise, setting up tech schools, helping orphanages grow food, setting up irrigation, meeting good people, maybe even starting a traveling rock band, and eventually a luxury cruise ship. I should be very excited, but rather I am just ok, only crying when no one is looking.
After 20 years of happy marriage, my wife decided to divorce me. I never cheated on her or did anything bad. She never really seemed unhappy or anything. Last few months, she seemed a little more happy than usual. Even in the divorce process, she seems more happy than usual.

Every once in a while, for the last 20 years, she would say something disrespectful to me. Something implying that I am stupid. Also, when ever I asked her to do something, she would say she does not have time. This not having time thing, was always very painful for me, because it means that she doesn't love me. You have time, for what you feel is important, and I was less important than even her friends.

I understand that we have two happy kids, and that takes some time, but many women are able to do that even with a full time job. My wife does not have a job, other than the kids. I wanted one of us to stay home and care for the kids, because kids need that. Even so, I never forced her to stay home or anything.

She was also unwilling when ever I asked to go for a walk, go dancing, and unwilling to allow any kind of touching, cuddling, hugging, sex or even talking. In 20 years, we had sex less than 20 times, closer to 10 times. I found a condom in her purse once, which due to her complete lack interest in sex with me, was a painful thing. Later on, I found she had a sex toy, which was even more painful. It meant that it wasn't that she had no interest in sex, just just didn't have any interest in sex with me. The pain was not about the sex, but rather that it seemed like a sign she doesn't love me.

You may wonder how I can say we had a happy marriage, but I'm a happy go lucky guy. Most of the time I was happy, and she was also happy most of the time. We almost never argue or fight. Seemed like when I was away for long periods, was the only time I'd get to talk to her. She always seemed happy to talk to me, when I'd call her just about every day. When I was home though, she had no interest in talking.

Last few months, she was spending a lot of time with a girl friend, and seemed more happy than usual. Sometimes she was out over night. This made me suspect she was having an affair.I know most people probably feel guilt or get distant, but not everyone. I don't think my wife really considers it to be wrong. Even so, I don't know.
Recently, I've been thinking about something Christ said, to forsake everything, family included, and follow him. Only applies in certain situations, obviously, and mine was such a situation. I've got a plan that will end poverty and bring World Peace, and thereby save 7 billion people from WW3.

Leaving my family, would mean I could focus all my time and money on saving mankind. Morally, logically, and rationally, it is the right thing to do. The problem, however, is my children are my strength. So I could not bring myself to do it. I didn't know if I'd just get depressed and become worthless if I did that. Also, it is EXTREMELY UNFAIR, for me to give up everything, just because absolutely no one is willing to help with the costs of my plan. It's like, that's just a little farther than I was willing to go! I tell myself, these people don't deserve to be saved, and stuff like that.
For God and mankind, the divorce is a WONDERFUL thing. It means I'll have the money I need to do my plan, as long as I live extremely cheap. So even though I was unwilling, I believe God found a way to make it happen, without me.

Last year, at my daughter's graduation, she expressed basically hatred and disrespect for me. Direspect, I believe that she got from her mother. Later I had a talk with her. She complained I didn't spend time with her, and compared me to her mother. I explained that is a very unfair comparison, because her mother's full time job is taking care of her and her brother, while I basically work 2 full time jobs, one to provide money, and the other to save mankind. I explained that I would have given up on the saving mankind thing many years ago, if it wasn't for my love for them. That my children are my strength. She seemed a lot better after that.

Long ago, when my wife picked my daughter's name, one thing immediately popped into my head. She chose the name Delilah. So I thought, here I am, with a plan to end poverty and bring World Peace, which if it worked, would in a way make me the most powerful or strongest man in the world. Here I am a "son of Sam" (US Citizen) or Samson, and she's choosing the name Delilah for our daughter.

I know you people will not agree with this, but we all have to find our own meaning in the Bible. It is not for you to interpret for others, it is for you to interpret for yourself.
Anyway, fast forward, and there I was just recently, a "son of Sam" or "Samson" telling Delilah, that the secret of my strength is my children or heirs, or hair. My father taught us that hair is symbolic of children, that words that sound the same and are spelled differently actually mean the same. "Hidden from the wise and prudent (who see the spelling and think they are different words) and revealed unto babes (who can't read)".

Now, I'm being basically cut off from my children or "hair". This makes me feel a whole lot better about the divorce thing. So I'm not a basket case. I'm actually feeling mostly "ok", only crying when no one is looking. I don't seem able to muster any real happiness or excitement about my future plans or anything. A little more interested in crawling under a rock, actually.
I've been very worried about not making much progress in the last 20 years, on my plan for World Peace. I saw a thing one, where someone suggested that the reason we don't see life on other planets, is because when life gets to the point of being finally able to leave that planet, it also reaches the point of being able to destroy itself (nukes). This suggestion hit me hard! I've been very worried ever since.

So with this Samson and Delilah thing, I feel a whole lot better about that. This tells me that we are right on schedule with God's plan. You could say that it is just a coincidence, but I look at what are the odds that my wife would pick the name Delilah, and that I'd tell her the secret of my strength, and other factors, and the odds are extremely low. So this makes me feel pretty good. I don't seem able to be really happy at the moment, but I'm feeling pretty good.

I probably shouldn't write this stuff. I'll probably get nothing but abuse for it. People always want to control other people, run their lives for them, and do it for "their own good". Arrogance in the extreme. Makes me sick. I've literally had people thinking I'm going to Hell, for trying to end poverty and bring World Peace, and try to "save my soul".

I told my ex friend, a devote Christian, about my divorce, and he decided to disassociate with me. He's been called me a "partner" for about 8 years, ever since I gave him, a complete stranger at the time, $2000 to help him buy some land. Money which provided to provide safe drinking water to many thousands of people. Now, because of my divorce, he decided he no longer wants anything to do with me. So his betrayal is also kind of like stealing.

I pulled out every argument imaginable to use on him. I even told him that I am like the hurt wounded man lying on the side of the road in the Good Samaritan story, and he is like the priest walking by on the other side of the road, not wanting to get his hands dirty.

If people understood Christ, they'd know that being a "christian" should not make you a bad person, a person who would abandon a friend in his hour of need.
In the end, it was all about his motivations. I asked him if God gave him a choice, told him he could either end poverty or go to Heaven, which would he choose. He chose Heaven. So he was unfriending me, because he thinks that will get him into Heaven.

To me, I have difficulty imagining how a person could choose his own happiness over the happiness of 7 billion people and all future generations. I find this unimaginable, and yet, it seems to be the norm. Seems like almost everyone is this way.

This is one of those things that has always been nagging at me, making me think these people just aren't worth saving. Like I said, my children are my strength. They keep me going, long after I would probably have given up, because of these nagging thoughts.

Rather than being happy that I actually have a plan, that could save us all, people are often jealous, and in opposition for that reason. I really get to see the dark side of humanity, first hand.

I'm a survivalist in the extreme. While I don't waste money on buying guns, or building a shelter, what I do, is try very hard to prevent WW3. I refuse to give up. Everyone else just sticks their heads in the sand, and pretends the danger isn't there, but I try to fix it. That is my chosen method of survival, preventing WW3.

Obviously, this makes me a very lonely person. I don't have time for friends. No one seems to like me anyway.

I think people dislike good people, because of their own guilt. They want to see other people doing bad things, so they don't feel as bad about themselves. This makes good people lonely.

So I may get nothing but abuse for this post, but maybe someone will get something good from it.

Edited February 5, 2021 by World Peace Guy

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, World Peace Guy said:

 Ithink people dislike good people, because of their own guilt. 

Divorce is fraught with mixed feelings. What does your attorney think of your plans?

Did your wife ever share these religious views or dreams about saving the world?

Is this new? It's hard to imagine that you were married 20 yrs raised kids and supported a family with the type of plans you now have.

 

[World Peace Guy]

No attorney. We aren't fighting anything. 

No, my wife doesn't believe believe in World Peace, or my religious views. She's a typical orthox christian. Goes to church only on church holidays.

I've been working on World Peace for 20 years. Only been planning on going to Africa lately though. I've had to spend several years away from the family for work though, twice. Not for more money, but rather because we just are not wealthy. I'm a US citizen, and she's Ukrainian, and we live in Ukraine. So I can't even bring her to the USA, without waiting about 2 years or so, for a visa. 

[d0nnivain]

For you this was a happy marriage.  For her it was something she wants to be released from.  

You leaving to go travel around Africa may have been the last straw for her.  You weren't going to be around in body so she felt now was a good a time as any to leave the marriage. 

Use your faith to make sense of things & stay in touch with your kids.  

[World Peace Guy]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

For you this was a happy marriage.  For her it was something she wants to be released from.  

You leaving to go travel around Africa may have been the last straw for her.  You weren't going to be around in body so she felt now was a good a time as any to leave the marriage. 

Use your faith to make sense of things & stay in touch with your kids.  

I don't think so. She always seemed happy when I was not around. She wasn't at all miserable or unhappy. I don't think any of our friends or even her parents suspect anything. I've only suspected something, 'cause she seems a little more happy than usual for the last several months, and is sometimes gone for a few hours or over night, outside of the normal routine.

I don't think it is a "last straw" thing. That would imply that she was miserable, and she definitely was not miserable. She was quite happy, by typical marriage standards.

[d0nnivain]

3 minutes ago, World Peace Guy said:

She was quite happy, by typical marriage standards.

Can you mind read?  She looked happy to you & didn't say anything.  She could have been keeping her pain inside.  You don't know. 

She may have met somebody who she now wants to pursue a relationship with.  That would explain her new found happiness & the over night trips.  

[World Peace Guy]

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Can you mind read?  She looked happy to you & didn't say anything.  She could have been keeping her pain inside.  You don't know. 

She may have met somebody who she now wants to pursue a relationship with.  That would explain her new found happiness & the over night trips.  

You don't think being married for 20 years qualifies me to read her mind? Sure, I don't know every detail of what she's thinking, but I can very definitely read her emotional state.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, World Peace Guy said:

No attorney.

How do you dissolve marriages in the Ukraine?

[d0nnivain]

8 minutes ago, World Peace Guy said:

You don't think being married for 20 years qualifies me to read her mind? Sure, I don't know every detail of what she's thinking, but I can very definitely read her emotional state.

No.  I don't.  After 20 years you probably do have more insights but if you could actually read her mind you wouldn't be on the international website asking a bunch of strangers what we think.  You would already know.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Sex less than ten times in 20 years. I'm sorry, describing this as a happy marriage is wildly delusional. You've got weird expectations. You were living together as roommates not as marriage partners.

Sounds like you two were going through the motions of a marriage, this was not a romantic relationship. 

[World Peace Guy]

58 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sex less than ten times in 20 years. I'm sorry, describing this as a happy marriage is wildly delusional. You've got weird expectations. You were living together as roommates not as marriage partners.

Sounds like you two were going through the motions of a marriage, this was not a romantic relationship. 

I know that seems hard to imagine, but... We tend to believe the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. My wife could have everything with me, but something in her mind is blocking it. She could have come to me to fulfill any of her needs, but instead she always pushed me away. It was entirely something in her mind, and I could never figure out what.

I think our society has a huge problem with the confused ideas. They think that love is something that just happens. In the Bible, God commands us to love, which means that God knows that love is something we have full control over, something we choose to do. My wife chose not to love me, so, yes we were basically roommates.

[Lotsgoingon]

Well the truth is ... lasting 20 years is amazing given how disconnected you two were. Why did you want to stay married to someone you had such little connection with?

[basil67]

You have plans to end poverty and bring about world peace.  Given that no person has been able to do this in the history of mankind, could it be that she felt you were delusional?  It could well explain her wanting to move on.   

Edited February 6, 2021 by basil67

[LivingWaterPlease]

World Peace Guy, I am so sorry to read of what you're going through with your marriage dissolving. You write as if you're a kind soul with the best of intentions wanting to live a life of self-sacrifice for the good of others. You seem to have a very pure heart.

I'm also sorry about your friend who abandoned you. Although I know you miss his friendship, it is probably best for him to go his separate way from you because it sounds as if he's not a good friend to have around. The Bible clearly states that there are reasons a Christian can get a divorce. So your friend isn't behaving in a Biblical manner in shunning you especially for a decision you have no control over.

That said, I've never met anyone who believed they could save the world. That part of your post is a little hard for me to grasp, but am sure you're familiar with folks having that reaction! When did you figure this plan out? Was it before you married your wife?

Has she ever tried to convince you to give up the plan to save the world?

Honestly, it sounds to me as if the two of you are unequally yoked. I know you're hurting but have you ever thought that since you're going through this tragedy of your marriage breaking up God might have a plan to save your world?

Although I don't believe it's His plan for couples to divorce, in the event a spouse chooses to leave their SO, God is perfectly able to bring another spouse to that person to love. I know it's hard to think thoughts of someone else right now as you grieve your wife. Again, I'm so sorry for your grief, World Peace Guy.

Edited February 6, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[littleblackheart]

18 hours ago, World Peace Guy said:

I've been working on World Peace for 20 years. Only been planning on going to Africa lately though. I've had to spend several years away from the family for work though, twice. Not for more money, but rather because we just are not wealthy. I'm a US citizen, and she's Ukrainian, and we live in Ukraine. So I can't even bring her to the USA, without waiting about 2 years or so, for a visa. 

World Peace Guy, your life goals are endearing.

That said, could you please expand a little more on what you actually do to bring world peace about? You mention being away from home in Ukraine for years, twice - does that mean your wife is on her own with the kids for years at a time?

Also, how did you two meet 20 years ago?

[trident_2020]

19 hours ago, World Peace Guy said:

You don't think being married for 20 years qualifies me to read her mind? Sure, I don't know every detail of what she's thinking, but I can very definitely read her emotional state.

No, it doesn't. I came away with the same thoughts. You don't know your wife nearly as much as you think you do.

Her behaviors as of late make it obvious she is, if not happy and excited, at the very least she is very relieved that the two of you are splitting up.

 

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, World Peace Guy said:

I know that seems hard to imagine, but... We tend to believe the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. My wife could have everything with me, but something in her mind is blocking it. She could have come to me to fulfill any of her needs, but instead she always pushed me away. It was entirely something in her mind, and I could never figure out what.

I think our society has a huge problem with the confused ideas. They think that love is something that just happens. In the Bible, God commands us to love, which means that God knows that love is something we have full control over, something we choose to do. My wife chose not to love me, so, yes we were basically roommates.

By your own words you admit SHE has never been happy in this "perfect" marriage of yours. 

Go do your think in Africa.  It will help keep your mind off your heartache. 

[trident_2020]

10 hours ago, World Peace Guy said:

she always pushed me away. It was entirely something in her mind, and I could never figure out what.

Says the same guy who can read his wife's mind after 20 years of marriage.

Me thinks you should have spent more time working on your marriage and your tending to your wife's needs rather than trying to save the world.

[trident_2020]

20 hours ago, World Peace Guy said:

She always seemed happy when I was not around

This is a REALLY BIG HINT.

 

[Trail Blazer]

On 05/02/2021 at 6:13 PM, World Peace Guy said:

To me, I have difficulty imagining how a person could choose his own happiness over the happiness of 7 billion people and all future generations. I find this unimaginable, and yet, it seems to be the norm. Seems like almost everyone is this way.

Because, put simply, charity starts at home.  I can't possibly fathom how one person is going to "save" seven billion people.  That's what I find unimaginable.

Bill Gates has given it a mighty shot and yet, despite his enormous resources, has struggled to make a dent whilst garnering a lot of detractors in the process.

If you think you can do it, though, good for you!  Just don't expect many people to buy in to your plan.  I'd hazard a guess that your wife didn't, I'm afraid.

[jspice]

On behalf of the African people, we think you should start saving people in Ukraine. 
Your own country, America has probably millions of destitute people. Africa’s doing ok thanks  

why wouldn’t you start the spousal visa process. It takes two years. The years are going to pass anyway. 

[World Peace Guy]

13 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Well the truth is ... lasting 20 years is amazing given how disconnected you two were. Why did you want to stay married to someone you had such little connection with?

As they say, "for better or for worse". It could have been a whole lot worse. We were mostly happy, which is good.

[World Peace Guy]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

You have plans to end poverty and bring about world peace.  Given that no person has been able to do this in the history of mankind, could it be that she felt you were delusional?  It could well explain her wanting to move on.   

People ALWAYS say that every new ideas or invention is impossible, and then someone does it. You can't assume someone is "delusional", just because they try to do something no one else has done before. That would make every inventor "delusional". Every inventor tries to do what no one else had done before. Anyway, you can not truly believe in God's love, without believing in World Peace. Most assume that God's plan is to kill us all in some kind of "harvest", but that is not really love, is it? Nor is love judging us. God wants us all to be happy, and that means World Peace. That is God's plan.

[World Peace Guy]

 

13 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

World Peace Guy, I am so sorry to read of what you're going through with your marriage dissolving. You write as if you're a kind soul with the best of intentions wanting to live a life of self-sacrifice for the good of others. You seem to have a very pure heart.

I'm also sorry about your friend who abandoned you. Although I know you miss his friendship, it is probably best for him to go his separate way from you because it sounds as if he's not a good friend to have around. The Bible clearly states that there are reasons a Christian can get a divorce. So your friend isn't behaving in a Biblical manner in shunning you especially for a decision you have no control over.

That said, I've never met anyone who believed they could save the world. That part of your post is a little hard for me to grasp, but am sure you're familiar with folks having that reaction! When did you figure this plan out? Was it before you married your wife?

Has she ever tried to convince you to give up the plan to save the world?

Honestly, it sounds to me as if the two of you are unequally yoked. I know you're hurting but have you ever thought that since you're going through this tragedy of your marriage breaking up God might have a plan to save your world?

Although I don't believe it's His plan for couples to divorce, in the event a spouse chooses to leave their SO, God is perfectly able to bring another spouse to that person to love. I know it's hard to think thoughts of someone else right now as you grieve your wife. Again, I'm so sorry for your grief, World Peace Guy.

Came up with the plan about 20 years ago, but it was developing long before that. Yes, before we were married.

Yes, of course she tried to convince me to give up my plan.

It's not so bad though. Divorce is never really truly divorce, especially when kids are involved. We'll always be married, in God's eyes. It is more of a transformation to an open relationship. Agreeing to see other people, kind of thing. I know that sounds odd, but that is kind of how it is in reality.

The reason divorce people often fight, is because they are in love, and they just don't realize it. Things don't bother you so much, when you are not in love. Before, I always felt hurt when she did something showing me that she doesn't love me. Now, she tells me she doesn't love me, so I'll probably not be hurt so much anymore.

[World Peace Guy]

6 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

World Peace Guy, your life goals are endearing.

That said, could you please expand a little more on what you actually do to bring world peace about? You mention being away from home in Ukraine for years, twice - does that mean your wife is on her own with the kids for years at a time?

Also, how did you two meet 20 years ago?

I've been working on the World Peace thing remotely so far. Going to be traveling to Africa soon though. It is basically creating a new form of society, similar to the one started by Jesus' Apostles, only with an absolutely neutral religion (open to all religions, including Atheists). Like many things God does, it starts like a tiny seed, and grows. 

My travel so far has been for the sake of making income for the family. I wasn't able to produce income in Ukraine, so I went back to the USA. My wife couldn't come, had to wait for years for the visa process. Even the second time, still had to wait for years.

I wouldn't say she was "on her own". She and the kids spend enormous amounts of time at her parents house, and also she doesn't work a regular job. She's a full time mother, so it is really nothing at all like being a single mother. When I was around, to her, I was just another mouth to feed, a burden on her. Since she didn't want to hug, kiss, cuddle, talk, or anything that loving couples might do, she probably didn't really see any advantage to her, for me to be there.

We met via Internet, on a free internet dating site.