Wife decided to divorce me after 20 years of happy marriage

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, World Peace Guy said:

Can't explain it "exactly", people have limited ability to understand new ideas.

19 minutes ago, World Peace Guy said:

Anyway, just because someone does not think the same way as you, does not make the other person an idiot. Thinking that the other person is an idiot, makes you an arrogant and a fool.

 

 

[World Peace Guy]

In case anyone else is still reading this, and may want to learn something. This thread provides a classic example.

Here we have a situation, where a happy marriage lasted 20 years, which requires at least one person to be doing something right. The wife was unwilling to have sex, talk, kiss, hug, cuddle, even touch. Basically doing just about nothing to maintain the relationship. She was a good mother, but that is not really doing anything to maintain the relationship. So according to all the information given to the people here, obviously the wife is not the one doing something right. Sure, you could assume I'm lying, 'cause you don't know me.

Anyway, one would have to logically conclude, that the husband must have been the one doing something right, to have maintained a happy marriage for 20 years in this situation. Yet, the majority seems to think the husband is the bad guy in this situation, as I predicted they would, when I started this. People hate do gooders! They make them feel guilty.

So what can you learn from this? That you should not make decisions based on the opinions of others, nor on the opinion of the majority! Think for yourself. Have confidence in your own thinking. Letting others make your decisions is likely to steer you wrong. 

[trident_2020]

3 minutes ago, World Peace Guy said:

The majority seems to think the husband is the bad guy in this situation, as I predicted they would, when I started this.

You're absolutely correct.

For the wrong reasons.

[World Peace Guy]

Another thing that someone may find interesting. Many people think that the story of Jesus was a fictional story. Yet, how many writers would predict that the people would seek to kill Jesus, for being a good person?

It seems absolutely absurd. Yet, even here in this thread, we have people sharping their pitch forks. If given enough time... 

It is extremely difficult to imagine any writer knowing human psychology that well, to be able to predict such an outcome, that the people would ask to have Jesus killed, because he was a good person. It is much easier to believe it is a true story.

[DKT3]

Sorry my friend, what you described is not a woman happy in her marriage but a woman who felt stuck in her marriage.  Her recent happiness is likely due the the fact she has rounded up the courage to get out. 

Even more disturbing is you have also not been happy in this marriage.  I've never seen a happily married man compile a list like that or have so little intamatcy.  10 times in 20 years...what's actually good here.

It doesn't mean anyone is wrong or right in the situation.  It just means that like in your marriage you are kinda clueless as to whats going on with your wife. 

I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh,  its not my intention.  I'm only tell you what I see from what you've wrote.

Edited February 8, 2021 by DKT3

[S2B]

On 2/6/2021 at 11:04 AM, World Peace Guy said:

I've been working on the World Peace thing remotely so far. Going to be traveling to Africa soon though. It is basically creating a new form of society, similar to the one started by Jesus' Apostles, only with an absolutely neutral religion (open to all religions, including Atheists). Like many things God does, it starts like a tiny seed, and grows. 

My travel so far has been for the sake of making income for the family. I wasn't able to produce income in Ukraine, so I went back to the USA. My wife couldn't come, had to wait for years for the visa process. Even the second time, still had to wait for years.

I wouldn't say she was "on her own". She and the kids spend enormous amounts of time at her parents house, and also she doesn't work a regular job. She's a full time mother, so it is really nothing at all like being a single mother. When I was around, to her, I was just another mouth to feed, a burden on her. Since she didn't want to hug, kiss, cuddle, talk, or anything that loving couples might do, she probably didn't really see any advantage to her, for me to be there.

We met via Internet, on a free internet dating site. 

This isn’t a good marriage you describe. It’s a very disconnected marriage that lacks intimacy. The fact that you had sex maybe once a year shows proof that your wife really didn’t want you the way she should have.

when a marriage is a good marriage - the two people spend time together and want and desire each other - share experiences and have common goals.

it looks like you had your goals and assigned tasks to your wife to handle (raising the kids). That’s not a marriage - that’s an arrangement so you could continue pursuing your goals.

you left your wife on her own. She has now started creating her own life. One you’ll fund when she gets support money.

Hope your goals are what you really want.

[Atwood]

The issues you're experiencing are not something you're going to solve here or on your own. You're scratching around in a logic hole you started digging yourself. Do you have access to therapy at the moment? If so, I recommend signing up and speaking to a professional who can help you make sense of what has happened and how you can proceed now. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, World Peace Guy said:

, how many writers would predict that the people would seek to kill Jesus, for being a good person?

, even here in this thread, we have people sharping their pitch forks. 

Do you feel persecution in your story? Are you implying random strangers on a forum are trying to crucify you?

Are you implying that you are the next Messiah or that you are like Jesus and everyone is simply too stupid to see that?

[jspice]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you feel persecution in your story? Are you implying random strangers on a forum are trying to crucify you?

Are you implying that you are the next Messiah or that you are like Jesus and everyone is simply too stupid to see that?

Yes

[vla1120]

22 hours ago, World Peace Guy said:

Anyway, just because someone does not think the same way as you, does not make the other person an idiot. Thinking that the other person is an idiot, makes you an arrogant and a fool.

Funny...this is EXACTLY what I was thinking about YOUR plans to save the world - because it seems you believe people should think like you. I'm atheist. I don't need saving and I can guarantee I would not subscribe to whatever it is you're planning to "sell" to the masses in Africa. Plus, I already do things in my corner of the world to try to make it a better place for all.

Maybe instead of concentrating on "saving the world", you should concentrate your efforts on your own children, wife, family. You might have been able to save your marriage, had you worked on that for the past 20 years instead of this pipe dream that you....one single (shy) person...can save the world. 

I say that with the utmost respect.

Oh - Also - did you ever serve in the U.S. Military? I did. Operation Giant Lance was an attempt by the U.S. government to end the Vietnam war. That's no big secret. It seems you may be a student of some conspiracy theorist websites. Again, you should concentrate on the mechanics of your own family more often. They need you more than mankind.

Edited February 8, 2021 by vla1120

[World Peace Guy]

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Sorry my friend, what you described is not a woman happy in her marriage but a woman who felt stuck in her marriage.  Her recent happiness is likely due the the fact she has rounded up the courage to get out. 

Even more disturbing is you have also not been happy in this marriage.  I've never seen a happily married man compile a list like that or have so little intamatcy.  10 times in 20 years...what's actually good here.

It doesn't mean anyone is wrong or right in the situation.  It just means that like in your marriage you are kinda clueless as to whats going on with your wife. 

I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh,  its not my intention.  I'm only tell you what I see from what you've wrote.

No marriage is perfect. We would all like to believe that when we get married, we'll have everything we want, but in the real world is seldom works out that way. Some are better than others. Many have constant fighting. Many married couples say that they have no sex. Most of the time, we're happy, and that makes it a happy marriage. She seems a little more happy in the last few months, but that does not mean she was not happy before then. She was happy before then.

Clueless means I don't have a clue. There was never a point, when I didn't have a clue, except before we got married.

What is odd, and kind of scary (not to me), is she's now studying to be some kind of relationship/sex counselor. Odd, because with even the slightest bit of effort, she could have had a great sex life, and all the intimacy she wanted. When the other side is willing, and all you got to do is fix your own side, that is easy. I think often, people who have a problem, become counselors and shrinks. They do so, hoping to find solutions to their problems. My wife is probably trying to do that too.

Anyway, she's happy now, and I'm happy for her, but I am worried that her happiness will soon be gone, and she'll realize she screwed up. I doubt if I'll see a reason to go back to her if that happens.

[vla1120]

46 minutes ago, World Peace Guy said:

What is odd, and kind of scary (not to me), is she's now studying to be some kind of relationship/sex counselor. Odd, because with even the slightest bit of effort, she could have had a great sex life, and all the intimacy she wanted. When the other side is willing, and all you got to do is fix your own side, that is easy. I think often, people who have a problem, become counselors and shrinks. They do so, hoping to find solutions to their problems. My wife is probably trying to do that too.

Wow. You sound like my first husband. I went to a number of marriage counselors trying to save our marriage. He never fully participated in the therapy. His response was always "Well, if she would just fix herself, our marriage would be fine." It's also funny that you minimize her efforts to do something to improve herself. Good for her, that she wants to help other people who find themselves in the same predicament as her - clearly with a partner who does not understand her perspective. 

I'm sorry, but the more you talk, the more I believe you have an arrogance about you that thinks you're the answer to all the world's problems when you don't even have your own house in order. Maybe you should enlist the help of a therapist to determine why your children hate you (your words.) If I were you, that is where I would start before trying to save the world.

[trident_2020]

2 hours ago, World Peace Guy said:

 Many married couples say that they have no sex. Most of the time, we're happy, and that makes it a happy marriage. She seems a little more happy in the last few months, but that does not mean she was not happy before then. She was happy before then.

I am worried that her happiness will soon be gone, and she'll realize she screwed up. I doubt if I'll see a reason to go back to her if that happens.

The typical symptoms of a bad marriage are strife and lack of sex. Yours is clearly one of them. Pointing out that there are many others doesn't change a thing.

From what you have written and continue to write on these boards, your wife won't be thinking she screwed up and won't be begging you to take her back, no need to worry about that.

 

[S2B]

You left the marriage long ago... with a purpose - now your wife is simply acknowledging that you haven’t been a real partner to her at all.

so go save the world... that was your plan all along - I’m unsure why you hit married to begin with.

[understand50]

On 2/8/2021 at 7:00 AM, World Peace Guy said:

No marriage is perfect. We would all like to believe that when we get married, we'll have everything we want, but in the real world is seldom works out that way. Some are better than others. Many have constant fighting. Many married couples say that they have no sex. Most of the time, we're happy, and that makes it a happy marriage. She seems a little more happy in the last few months, but that does not mean she was not happy before then. She was happy before then.

Clueless means I don't have a clue. There was never a point, when I didn't have a clue, except before we got married.

What is odd, and kind of scary (not to me), is she's now studying to be some kind of relationship/sex counselor. Odd, because with even the slightest bit of effort, she could have had a great sex life, and all the intimacy she wanted. When the other side is willing, and all you got to do is fix your own side, that is easy. I think often, people who have a problem, become counselors and shrinks. They do so, hoping to find solutions to their problems. My wife is probably trying to do that too.

Anyway, she's happy now, and I'm happy for her, but I am worried that her happiness will soon be gone, and she'll realize she screwed up. I doubt if I'll see a reason to go back to her if that happens.

To be blunt, She is leaving you, of course she would be happy.   As others have stated, go try and save the world.  I think in the end you will regret what you have tossed away.

 

[trident_2020]

9 hours ago, understand50 said:

To be blunt, She is leaving you, of course she would be happy.   As others have stated, go try and save the world.  I think in the end you will regret what you have tossed away.

 

Disagree. People like this are unable to find fault within themselves, they are simply not capable of self accountability. It's prevalent in many of his posts. It's all his wife's fault, she just doesn't get it, it's all her fault etc etc etc. This is the story you always hear from people like this, often with multiple failed relationships. It's never them, it's always the other person and their issues, their only mistake was they made bad choices in choosing a relationship partner. On it goes until they're either dead or too old to care.