Sex before marriage

[dfgdfg]

We have been together for 2.5 years, with a long, loving relationship. Problem is, he highly, highly depends on sex as his way of showing me that he loves me. I feel this takes sex out of its place...I also feel if we stop having sex now and wait till marriage, it will put sex back into its place.

Is this incorrect? I love to make love to him, but it is so needed by him, every single day, several times a day. Our relationship becomes tense without the sex.

We have started not having sex today and he has gotten over his anger about it and is back to normal. Ever experienced this before? I think he has the male version of nymphomania- I have been with several guys before and this guy *needs* sex with me. Absolutely needs it. Not just wants it, needs it. WE have lots of love, but I want to see how strong we are without sex.

Am I doing the right thing?

[Scott S]

Useless factoid of the day - The male equivalent of nymphomania is called satyriasis.

 

OK, back to your issue. The usual case when a couple agrees to save themselves for the wedding night is that they have not yet had sexual relations.

 

I do concur with your view that there is more to a relationship than the physical & sexual aspects of it. By refraining from premarital sex, you form a relationship based on other things besides physical attraction. I believe it also creates a greater degree of respect for each other.

 

The issue here is that you both have already set a precedent & formed a habit of sex before the marriage. Now it appears to him that he is being cut off. He would understandibly resent this "forced celibacy," especially if he believes his needs & feelings weren't taken into consideration. Did he agree to this voluntarily beforehand, or was it your decision imposed upon him? This would make a significant difference in how he feels.

 

It appears you have here a good subject for a communications exercise.

[slubberdegullion]

He's going to resent the fact that you'll be saying "no" to him all the time now. I'd resent it too... it's like the rules have changed without his input (no pun intended).

 

I don't see anything wrong with premarital sex; after all, you wouldn't drive a car without a test drive, would you? But with that said, once the wedding ceremony is over and you're back from your honeymoon, it will become routine and *gasp* even maybe a little boring.

 

The issue right now, though, is your man's high desire. Not knowing him, obviously it's difficult to draw any conclusions. However, his need for intimacy with you could be the way he expresses his emotions to you. He may say the "I love you" and similar statements, but in order for him to really mean it, he needs to express it to you physically.

 

Lt Worf here makes an excellent point. Communication is the key. But remember, when speaking with a man about important matters like this, keep it short, succinct, as emotion-free as you can, and fer gawd's sake be direct. No hints. No subtle innuendos. No mind-reading. Be very, very clear.

[dfgdfg]

So our relationship is not as fun, we are not as close. It has changed our relationship.

How on earth did we let this happen? He still tries to grope me. Frustrating.

Without sex, gosh, I hope we can make it.

[Scott S]

So our relationship is not as fun, we are not as close. It has changed our relationship.

How on earth did we let this happen? He still tries to grope me. Frustrating.

Without sex, gosh, I hope we can make it.

 

Yes, your relationship has definitely changed. Once it becomes sexual, it will never be the same, & you really cannot go back to the way it was before.

 

The big issue is what was the relationship based on in the first place? Relationships based entirely on physical/sexual attraction do not have a good track record for longevity. Eventually, the novelty wears off. Or people age. One will not look like a California lifeguard or a Victoria's Secret model for his/her entire life. So...

 

On the other hand, for many people, sexual relations is their "love language." They do feel deep, genuine love towards the other, & sex is how they best express it. Where tension & conflict often arise in a relationship is that each partner has a different love language. They are trying to express love in ways that the other does not understand or appreciate.

 

As I said in my first post, you have an excellent opportunity for a communications exercise, & I hope you both take advantage of it.

[CarmenIbanez]

Okay, maybe I am missing the point of this post, or I am being obtuse. But what do you mean once you have sex the relationship changes and it can never go back? The couple is getting married. Why would a married couple want to go back to what the relationship was before sex? Sex is supposed to change things. It's makes your marriage whole. It's also what makes your eyes roll back in your head.

 

Seriously, though. Sex is an expression of love, for almost every man I've met. Why do women look down on this as if the way a man expresses his love for you is inferior to the way a woman might express love for her man?

 

I've notice a trend on some of the posts regarding marriage. He wants sex, I want emotional support. BLAH BLAH BLAH. His desire for sex with you is not less important than your desire for emotional intimacy. Let me save you 10 years of pain and just say this: if you are already worried that having a lot of sex with your husband is too much, and think that cuddling and emotional support are more important than sex. Don't get married.

[Scott S]

Okay, maybe I am missing the point of this post, or I am being obtuse. But what do you mean once you have sex the relationship changes and it can never go back? The couple is getting married. Why would a married couple want to go back to what the relationship was before sex? Sex is supposed to change things. It's makes your marriage whole. It's also what makes your eyes roll back in your head.

 

In most cases where a couple are saving themselves for the wedding night, the relationship has not yet become a sexual relationship. Friendship has grown into love, but they are not yet escalating it to that stage. And you are correct, sex makes a marriage complete.

 

And yes, once a relationship becomes sexual, it will never be the same. And in the event of a break-up, it's very difficult to "just be friends" again, the best of intentions notwithstanding.

 

In this case (as I understand it), a sexual relationship has already existed, & now it is changing into a non-sexual relationship for a time. This has become a point of tension & conflict.

 

Seriously, though. Sex is an expression of love, for almost every man I've met. Why do women look down on this as if the way a man expresses his love for you is inferior to the way a woman might express love for her man?

 

There are different "love languages," physical intimacy being one of them. There are others, including words of affirmation, quality time together, gifts, & acts of service. For each of us, certain love languages are more meaningful than others. The man's love language may be physical intimacy, whereas the woman's might be gifts, or acts of service. She may (or may not ) enjoy sexual relationships, but it's not as meaningful or important as receiving a dozen red roses, or him cleaning the garage, putting on a new roof, etc.

[CarmenIbanez]

bottom line: if you are not sexually compatible and do not view the sexual relationship as as important as your partner, you are in for a lot of trouble.

[Scott S]

bottom line: if you are not sexually compatible and do not view the sexual relationship as as important as your partner, you are in for a lot of trouble.

 

Aggrevate that with poor/nonexistant communication & unwillingness to consider the other's needs.

 

Come to think of it, these will wreck any relationship - love, sexual, business, diplomatic or any other.

[Tamrick]

I find this an interesting discussion. My boyfriend and I have discussed stopping sex for a while before marriage and we are not yet engaged. The reason for this as I see it, is so that on the wedding night we can again enjoy the act of sex hopefully in an even more intimate and pleasurable way than if we had not abstained for a while. I actually think he is more keen on this than I am.

 

I don't necessarily think your boyfriend has satyriasis - he is more likely just at the higher end of normal as regards sexual needs. What is worrying though is that you say your relationship gets tense without sex. Maybe you should not stop sex altogether but cut back gradually for a while and find the space to have both sex and the emotional intimacy as well as time for chatting and friendship. Sex doesn't stop you being friends - you just have to fit everything in and make time for each thing so that each person is satisfied.

[Scott S]

I don't necessarily think your boyfriend has satyriasis - he is more likely just at the higher end of normal as regards sexual needs.

Being highly sexual does not necessarily imply satyriasis or nymphomania. Incidentally, these conditions are not as humorous as comedians might have you believe.

 

Satyriasis/nymphomania (now referred to as hypersexuality) is characterized by an impairing need for frequent sexual stimulation that does not result in sexual satisfaction. This dissatisfaction is what is believed to encourage the heightened frequency of sexual stimulation, as well as additional physiological and neurological symptoms. It interferes with the ability to function on a daily basis, & can result in serious relationahip issues.

[Deshanga]

I agree! I may have strong views, but sex before amrriage is generally a bad idea. There's always the risk of pregnancy, and all sorts of STDs. Plus, relationships that depend on it are not very stable. Marriage can't depend on it either. Make sure your love is for personality, and who you both are not just physical. Purely physical relationships never last.