Was there cheating? Emotionally?

[anon77777]

Reason why I'm asking this is just to get a clearer picture, as I haven't gotten any real answers, just excuses from my ex.

My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago out of the blue, and I was blindsided. We were together for 8 years, and 2 weeks prior to the break we just got our wedding rings made, we were planning to get married after Covid is over. Reason she gave was that she lost the feelings for me, we do not have anything in common, we don't eat the same food, none of the reasons made sense at all. However, there was another guy in the picture, a manager from another team at her workplace. She said that he was always there for her and there are more things in common with him. She also said that the break up was not because of him, but because of us, and that she wants to be single. But I found out from coworkers that they were dating the next day, and been going out every day since till now as I'm typing this. There wasn't any quarrel that lead up to the break up, it was all of a sudden over dinner.

This 2 months has been hell for me, especially the first two weeks where I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I am currently studying for my medical entrance exam, which I had to give up due to my emotional state right now, but I have a backup plan of doing PhD.

Because of studying, and working at the hospital at the same time, I did not have much time to spend with her during the weekdays. Especially when Covid hit, I had to do so much overtime, leaving only the weekends available for her. After the lockdown in June, many workplaces in my country were segregated into smaller teams, and my ex and her manager were in the same team. They were going out for dinner 3 to 4 times a week, and staying overnight at cafes on some Friday's. I voiced my unhappiness to her, to which she said he was just a close friend and I had nothing to worry about. My workload did not change. She would still update me about her whereabouts and plans for the day, even when with him, and this continued on until the last 2 months where she totally just "forgot" to reply me, or overlooked the message. She still post all her outings with him on social media during that 2 months, and that's how I know they were going out together.

So my question is whether she was emotionally cheating on me during the 6 months? I believe the narrative she is coming up with is that she "lost her feelings" and hence go on with her manager, but I believe it's because she had already emotionally cheated on me with the manager and hence lost her feelings.

Currently, her family still doesn't know about the manager, but I will be meeting her parents soon. They know about the break up but I'm not sure if I should tell them about what she did, and about her manager. 

[Marc878]

14 minutes ago, anon77777 said:

Reason why I'm asking this is just to get a clearer picture, as I haven't gotten any real answers, just excuses from my ex.

My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago out of the blue, and I was blindsided. We were together for 8 years, and 2 weeks prior to the break we just got our wedding rings made, we were planning to get married after Covid is over. Reason she gave was that she lost the feelings for me, we do not have anything in common, we don't eat the same food, none of the reasons made sense at all. However, there was another guy in the picture, a manager from another team at her workplace. She said that he was always there for her and there are more things in common with him. She also said that the break up was not because of him, but because of us, and that she wants to be single. But I found out from coworkers that they were dating the next day, and been going out every day since till now as I'm typing this. There wasn't any quarrel that lead up to the break up, it was all of a sudden over dinner.

This 2 months has been hell for me, especially the first two weeks where I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I am currently studying for my medical entrance exam, which I had to give up due to my emotional state right now, but I have a backup plan of doing PhD.

Because of studying, and working at the hospital at the same time, I did not have much time to spend with her during the weekdays. Especially when Covid hit, I had to do so much overtime, leaving only the weekends available for her. After the lockdown in June, many workplaces in my country were segregated into smaller teams, and my ex and her manager were in the same team. They were going out for dinner 3 to 4 times a week, and staying overnight at cafes on some Friday's. I voiced my unhappiness to her, to which she said he was just a close friend and I had nothing to worry about. My workload did not change. She would still update me about her whereabouts and plans for the day, even when with him, and this continued on until the last 2 months where she totally just "forgot" to reply me, or overlooked the message. She still post all her outings with him on social media during that 2 months, and that's how I know they were going out together.

So my question is whether she was emotionally cheating on me during the 6 months? I believe the narrative she is coming up with is that she "lost her feelings" and hence go on with her manager, but I believe it's because she had already emotionally cheated on me with the manager and hence lost her feelings.

Currently, her family still doesn't know about the manager, but I will be meeting her parents soon. They know about the break up but I'm not sure if I should tell them about what she did, and about her manager. 

Yes, she was probably cheating. This can happen when you spend that much time with someone especially one on one. To understand this better get a copy of “Not Just Friends” by glass.

It sounds like it wasn’t just emotional but sexual/physical as well. Most betrayed want to believe it’s only emotional because they can’t or don’t want to deal with the truth.

My advice is all cheaters lie a lot. Let her go fully. She’s already spun this to her parents. Besides they will probably side with her no matter what you say. 

There is nothing to salvage here so don’t waste your time. Your best option is to cut all contact and block her on everything. Including her family. Get rid of anything you have of hers. 
 

If not you will effectively put yourself in limbo. No one can do that but you. You’re young and what she’s shown you is she isn’t relationship material. Better for this to happen now than later. Life isn’t fair sometimes but you need to deal with it.

Do not cry beg, plead or try doing the “pick me dance”.  That will just make you look unattractive and weak. It will put you in an even worse state.

Don't screw your life up for someone like this. There is no one and only, soulmate. There are many who could fill that role. She’s a want but you don’t need her.

Look at it as dodging a bullet. 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, anon77777 said:

So my question is whether she was emotionally cheating on me during the 6 months? I believe the narrative she is coming up with is that she "lost her feelings" and hence go on with her manager, but I believe it's because she had already emotionally cheated on me with the manager and hence lost her feelings.

Currently, her family still doesn't know about the manager, but I will be meeting her parents soon. They know about the break up but I'm not sure if I should tell them about what she did, and about her manager. 

Yes, it sounds like there was probably an emotional affair going on. Whether she lost feelings first or not is irrelevant and doesn't change the end result. It hurts either way, but when someone is getting close to another, their heart and mind aren't with you any longer. 

Why are you meeting her parents? 

[anon77777]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, it sounds like there was probably an emotional affair going on. Whether she lost feelings first or not is irrelevant and doesn't change the end result. It hurts either way, but when someone is getting close to another, their heart and mind aren't with you any longer. 

Why are you meeting her parents? 

Her mother made some cookies for me and wanted to pass me, we are very close and she treats me like her son, and she regularly makes them and will always give some to my family.

[anon77777]

51 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Yes, she was probably cheating. This can happen when you spend that much time with someone especially one on one. To understand this better get a copy of “Not Just Friends” by glass.

It sounds like it wasn’t just emotional but sexual/physical as well. Most betrayed want to believe it’s only emotional because they can’t or don’t want to deal with the truth.

My advice is all cheaters lie a lot. Let her go fully. She’s already spun this to her parents. Besides they will probably side with her no matter what you say. 

There is nothing to salvage here so don’t waste your time. Your best option is to cut all contact and block her on everything. Including her family. Get rid of anything you have of hers. 
 

If not you will effectively put yourself in limbo. No one can do that but you. You’re young and what she’s shown you is she isn’t relationship material. Better for this to happen now than later. Life isn’t fair sometimes but you need to deal with it.

Do not cry beg, plead or try doing the “pick me dance”.  That will just make you look unattractive and weak. It will put you in an even worse state.

Don't screw your life up for someone like this. There is no one and only, soulmate. There are many who could fill that role. She’s a want but you don’t need her.

Look at it as dodging a bullet. 
 

 

Unfortunately, I cried and begged on the day itself. Nothing changed since there was already the manager waiting for her.

Edited February 5, 2021 by anon77777

[Marc878]

54 minutes ago, anon77777 said:

Her mother made some cookies for me and wanted to pass me, we are very close and she treats me like her son, and she regularly makes them and will always give some to my family.

This stuff is hard but do you want to be around her and her new man?  Her family will side with her and we come him I suspect. This will just make your needing to move forward harder. They are not your family now.

Just explain to them you have to move on. They’ll understand.

Edited February 5, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

47 minutes ago, anon77777 said:

Unfortunately, I cried and begged on the day itself. Nothing changed since there was already the manager waiting for her.

You can’t undo the past but you know the best path forward. No contact is your best friend.  If not you will suffer longer needlessly.

Try and stay out of the hopium addiction.

This may help you. Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover.  Its a free pdf download.  Look it up. It’s helped many.

[anon77777]

7 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

You can’t undo the past but you know the best path forward. No contact is your best friend.  If not you will suffer longer needlessly.

Try and stay out of the hopium addiction.

This may help you. Download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover.  Its a free pdf download.  Look it up. It’s helped many.

I will take a look at that. You too think I am too nice? I've posted my story on another forum too and people there also suggested this book, surprisingly.

[Marc878]

27 minutes ago, anon77777 said:

I will take a look at that. You too think I am too nice? I've posted my story on another forum too and people there also suggested this book, surprisingly.

Maybe but it won’t hurt to read it. We can all use improvement. Improve yourself for your next relationship.  I would look into “Not Just Friends” too. You may find it at your local library.  Affairs happen all the time and a lot involve close friendships that go too far or evolve. Had you been aware you should have stepped in sooner but if they are gonna cheat you’re better off without them.

[anon77777]

28 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

Maybe but it won’t hurt to read it. We can all use improvement. Improve yourself for your next relationship.  I would look into “Not Just Friends” too. You may find it at your local library.  Affairs happen all the time and a lot involve close friendships that go too far or evolve. Had you been aware you should have stepped in sooner but if they are gonna cheat you’re better off without them.

Yeah, I did try to talk to her about, numerous time even. Every time it happened I would bring it up and said it wasn't acceptable. Considering the fact that I am not allow to go out with female friends or talk to female friends. She was very possessive of me. This resulted me having only 3 "close" female friends.

If I were kick up a fuss back then, it would be a good reason to break up with me and the fault would be on me ultimately. This was what my female friends said when I told them the situation.

[Marc878]

13 minutes ago, anon77777 said:

Yeah, I did try to talk to her about, numerous time even. Every time it happened I would bring it up and said it wasn't acceptable. Considering the fact that I am not allow to go out with female friends or talk to female friends. She was very possessive of me. This resulted me having only 3 "close" female friends.

If I were kick up a fuss back then, it would be a good reason to break up with me and the fault would be on me ultimately. This was what my female friends said when I told them the situation.

So she gave you the do as I say not as I do thing. You went along with that lopsided relationship and gave her total power over you.
 

Looking back you should see you enabled her behavior. Your lack of action probably caused her to lose respect for you and made her new friend more attractive.

read “No More Mr Nice Guy”.

A relationship needs to be balanced. You don’t fix yourself you’re likely to go through this again.

You should spend the time reading and improving yourself before dating again. The last thing you need right now is a rebound.

No contact is your best friend. Learn not to take crap from people. You control you and your phone.

Edited February 5, 2021 by Marc878

[anon77777]

2 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

So she gave you the do as I say not as I do thing. You went along with that lopsided relationship and gave her total power over you.
 

Looking back you should see you enabled her behavior. Your lack of action probably caused her to lose respect for you and made her new friend more attractive.

read “No More Mr Nice Guy”.

A relationship needs to be balanced. You don’t fix yourself you’re likely to go through this again.

You should spend the time reading and improving yourself before dating again. The last thing you need right now is a rebound.

No contact is your best friend. Learn not to take crap from people. You control you and your phone.

Yeah, I should be firm and made her draw her boundaries there and then.

And yeah, I'm not in a hurry to get into another relationship. I'll read the book that you recommended, just downloaded it.

Btw, what has this got to do with phones?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, anon77777 said:

her family still doesn't know about the manager, but I will be meeting her parents soon.

Why will you be meeting with her parents?

[tart6245]

There was probably cheating, yes, especially if she moved on that quickly from your relationship. Her relationship with the manager was inappropriate, but you knew that. If was even worse because she limited your friendships with girls and you allowed her to do that. 

You may never know if she actually cheated on her and she will never admit to it. I would not meet with her parents. They will take her side and believe whatever she tells them. I would simply let them know that you needed to move on and leave it at that. Meeting with them will only prolong your suffering. 

[ctdans]

You are lucky you did not marry yet (no divorce) and do not have children.  Where is she living?  Not sure if you lived together or not.  I hope not as seeing her will be painful;.

[mark clemson]

Some great advice in posts above, IMO. I would add "the 180" (can be researched on the internet) to your reading list as well, since this breakup is being forced on you and you'll want to detach emotionally.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, anon77777 said:

Her mother made some cookies for me and wanted to pass me, we are very close and she treats me like her son, and she regularly makes them and will always give some to my family.

You should not still be meeting with her parents.  This is not healthy and is not going to help you move forward.  She broke up with you because she did not have feelings for you anymore.    She obviously developed feelings for this new man, and that must have had a lot to do with it.  You need to focus on moving on, not focus on analyzing her exact reasons for the breakup.  It doesn't matter now.  Going over and over "why' she broke up with you isn't helpful or constructive.  

[vla1120]

7 hours ago, anon77777 said:

This 2 months has been hell for me, especially the first two weeks where I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I am currently studying for my medical entrance exam, which I had to give up due to my emotional state right now, but I have a backup plan of doing PhD.

I didn't even read any further after I read this. Do NOT allow her, or anyone else, to sidetrack you from your goals! Go no contact with her and block her permanently. Throw yourself into studying for your medical entrance exam. Let that be the distraction that gets you through this tough time. Coming from the perspective of her mother, I was also very close to one of my daughter's serious boyfriends. They were going to get married, etc. I still hear from him sometimes. However, when push comes to shove, she is my daughter and her welfare will always come first in my mind. I'm sure your ex-girlfriend's family will feel the same. 

Now go pass that medical entrance exam! (Not that you're looking for revenge, and I never recommend that, however, success is the best form of revenge. Don't let her see you give up on your dream because of her!)

[Marc878]

7 hours ago, anon77777 said:

Yeah, I should be firm and made her draw her boundaries there and then.

And yeah, I'm not in a hurry to get into another relationship. I'll read the book that you recommended, just downloaded it.

Btw, what has this got to do with phones?

 Contact is usually done by phone. You control that.

She may pull the let’s be friends thing. This is all for her not you. Cheaters often do this to alleviate guilt. “we’re still friends”. 
 

Definition of friend - loyal, trustworthy and honest. She’s not your friend.

[Marc878]

Get a copy of “Not Just Friends” by glass

It’ll be an eye opener for you. Good info on how these things develop.

use it for your future.

[anon77777]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why will you be meeting with her parents?

Her mother made some cookies and wants to pass them to me. 

[anon77777]

10 hours ago, tart6245 said:

There was probably cheating, yes, especially if she moved on that quickly from your relationship. Her relationship with the manager was inappropriate, but you knew that. If was even worse because she limited your friendships with girls and you allowed her to do that. 

You may never know if she actually cheated on her and she will never admit to it. I would not meet with her parents. They will take her side and believe whatever she tells them. I would simply let them know that you needed to move on and leave it at that. Meeting with them will only prolong your suffering. 

Like Marc878 said, I enabled her behavior and that I agree and take responsibility for it. I should have drawn the line when they were getting too close, but I trusted her too much. But ultimately I feel, she still will cross that boundary no matter what I did because I couldn't be there for her because of my work. They were literally hanging out almost every day.

Edited February 6, 2021 by anon77777

[anon77777]

10 hours ago, ctdans said:

You are lucky you did not marry yet (no divorce) and do not have children.  Where is she living?  Not sure if you lived together or not.  I hope not as seeing her will be painful;.

No we are not, we were in the process of getting our own place. Just have to forfeit the deposit now.

[anon77777]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Some great advice in posts above, IMO. I would add "the 180" (can be researched on the internet) to your reading list as well, since this breakup is being forced on you and you'll want to detach emotionally.

The title of the book is "The 180"? I apologise but I can't find anything on this as it is rather vague.

[anon77777]

7 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I didn't even read any further after I read this. Do NOT allow her, or anyone else, to sidetrack you from your goals! Go no contact with her and block her permanently. Throw yourself into studying for your medical entrance exam. Let that be the distraction that gets you through this tough time. Coming from the perspective of her mother, I was also very close to one of my daughter's serious boyfriends. They were going to get married, etc. I still hear from him sometimes. However, when push comes to shove, she is my daughter and her welfare will always come first in my mind. I'm sure your ex-girlfriend's family will feel the same. 

Now go pass that medical entrance exam! (Not that you're looking for revenge, and I never recommend that, however, success is the best form of revenge. Don't let her see you give up on your dream because of her!)

I've already cancelled it as I haven't been studying properly in the past month due to my emotional wreck. I would be wasting my limited attempts and money if I were to go ahead. The exam can be rescheduled should I intend to take it again. Right now, I am considering PhD as second option. I'm putting Medicine on hold.