Was there cheating? Emotionally?

[anon77777]

3 hours ago, Marc878 said:

 Contact is usually done by phone. You control that.

She may pull the let’s be friends thing. This is all for her not you. Cheaters often do this to alleviate guilt. “we’re still friends”. 
 

Definition of friend - loyal, trustworthy and honest. She’s not your friend.

Heh, I hate that you are right, you said everything which she told me that day. Without doubt portraying she is guilty of something.

[Marc878]

5 hours ago, anon77777 said:

I've already cancelled it as I haven't been studying properly in the past month due to my emotional wreck. I would be wasting my limited attempts and money if I were to go ahead. The exam can be rescheduled should I intend to take it again. Right now, I am considering PhD as second option. I'm putting Medicine on hold.

Bud don’t put your life on hold for her. She’s not worthy. This is one of those experiences that you learn from. You’ll find out she was a want but you don’t need her.

[Marc878]

20 hours ago, anon77777 said:

Reason she gave was that she lost the feelings for me, we do not have anything in common, we don't eat the same food, none of the reasons made sense at all. However, there was another guy in the picture, a manager from another team at her workplace. She said that he was always there for her and there are more things in common with him. She also said that the break up was not because of him, but because of us, and that she wants to be single. But I found out from coworkers that they were dating the next day, and been going out every day since till now 

Nothing but lies. Typical cheater talk, excuses.

Quote

After the lockdown in June, many workplaces in my country were segregated into smaller teams, and my ex and her manager were in the same team. They were going out for dinner 3 to 4 times a week, and staying overnight at cafes on some Friday's. I voiced my unhappiness to her, to which she said he was just a close friend and I had nothing to worry about. My workload did not change. She would still update me about her whereabouts and plans for the day, even when with him, and this continued on until the last 2 months where she totally just "forgot" to reply me, or overlooked the message. She still post all her outings with him on social media during that 2 months, and that's how I know they were going out together.

They were dating. Make no mistake this is part of who she is that you never saw or recognized before. 
 

The good thing is you found out now versus later.

Edited February 6, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

Many will make the mistake of chasing them. They just move farther away.

Don’t waste your time living on hopium hoping she’ll come back. What would you be getting back?  What you need to understand is shes nothing special. Just another lying cheater who stepped out of the relationship for another guy. These types are a dime a dozen.

This was a choice she made. It just didn’t happen. Plus the capability for her to do this again is there. Why would you want someone like this? Just pain and misery.

I’ll say again. Your best way out is zero contact. Her and her family. You don’t want to be someone who tries to hang on. There’s nothing there worth your time. 
 

Time/life is something you can’t get back. Don’t waste it.

The best way out is zero contact. Her and her family. If not you’ll just linger.

Her actions tell you everything you need to know. Her words are meaningless.

Edited February 6, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

Many will make the mistake of chasing them. They just move farther away.

Don’t waste your time living on hopium hoping she’ll come back. What would you be getting back?  What you need to understand is shes nothing special. Just another lying cheater who stepped out of the relationship for another guy. These types are a dime a dozen.

This was a choice she made. It just didn’t happen. Plus the capability for her to do this again is there. Why would you want someone like this? Just pain and misery.

I’ll say again. Your best way out is zero contact. Her and her family. You don’t want to be someone who tries to hang on. There’s nothing there worth your time. 
 

Time/life is something you can’t get back. Don’t waste it.

Under these circumstances I would never give her a second chance. How’d you like going through this the first time? Would you like to go through it again? That’s what you’d be setting yourself up for.

Edited February 6, 2021 by Marc878

[anon77777]

1 hour ago, Marc878 said:

Many will make the mistake of chasing them. They just move farther away.

Don’t waste your time living on hopium hoping she’ll come back. What would you be getting back?  What you need to understand is shes nothing special. Just another lying cheater who stepped out of the relationship for another guy. These types are a dime a dozen.

This was a choice she made. It just didn’t happen. Plus the capability for her to do this again is there. Why would you want someone like this? Just pain and misery.

I’ll say again. Your best way out is zero contact. Her and her family. You don’t want to be someone who tries to hang on. There’s nothing there worth your time. 
 

Time/life is something you can’t get back. Don’t waste it.

Under these circumstances I would never give her a second chance. How’d you like going through this the first time? Would you like to go through it again? That’s what you’d be setting yourself up for.

Yes I understand. I would need some time alone to focus myself and process all these thoughts.

[Marc878]

You’ll be fine long term and a lot smarter and wiser. Thats life. You learn as you go.

She wasn’t the right one for you obviously. At some point your heart will catch up to your brain.

Just remember no contact is the key. She’s shown you who she really is. It’s to your benefit to believe her. Words mean nothing. Actions tell you everything.

Good luck

Edited February 6, 2021 by Marc878

[anon77777]

Is there a possibility also due to my busy working hours that I neglected her? I'm just trying to understand all this. You did raise as important point about me enabling her behavior, not drawing the boundaries for her behavior.

[Marc878]

32 minutes ago, anon77777 said:

Is there a possibility also due to my busy working hours that I neglected her? I'm just trying to understand all this. You did raise as important point about me enabling her behavior, not drawing the boundaries for her behavior.

You didn’t cause her to stray. Under the circumstances (pandemic) if she was a decent partner she should have understood or at least talked to you about it but the reality is you just didn’t mean that much to her.

A lot in your circumstances want it to be their fault. Perhaps to say to themselves if I’m at fault I could fix this. Then you chase, want to talk, apologize, beg for another chance to do better, write her a long letter pouring your heart out (everyone seems to try this and it’s pathetic/worthless). Live on hopium for a year or so for nothing but wasting your time/life.

Or you just can’t believe this is really who she is and try to make excuses for her. It’s pretty common to do this. And you’d be wrong. She made that choice and it was all on her. Her actions tell you that. Words are usually lies to justify their unjustifiable actions.

If the situation was reversed and let’s say she was having to work long hours related to the pandemic would you have left her for someone else that was available?

Wake up to who she is or you’ll wallow in this longer than you need to.

[tart6245]

1 hour ago, anon77777 said:

Is there a possibility also due to my busy working hours that I neglected her? I'm just trying to understand all this. You did raise as important point about me enabling her behavior, not drawing the boundaries for her behavior.

There is never an excuse for cheating and if you were neglecting her, she should have told you how she felt rather than run to another man. She didn't love you nor did you mean much to her. If you did, she would never have acted the way she did. That's the harsh reality. 

You need to make a clean break from her and her family. You've lost 2 months of healing time by continuing to have contact. Once you cut them out of your life for good, you can begin to heal. She already moved on with the manager. There is no reason for you to hold onto nothing. 

[anon77777]

1 hour ago, Marc878 said:

You didn’t cause her to stray. Under the circumstances (pandemic) if she was a decent partner she should have understood or at least talked to you about it but the reality is you just didn’t mean that much to her.

A lot in your circumstances want it to be their fault. Perhaps to say to themselves if I’m at fault I could fix this. Then you chase, want to talk, apologize, beg for another chance to do better, write her a long letter pouring your heart out (everyone seems to try this and it’s pathetic/worthless). Live on hopium for a year or so for nothing but wasting your time/life.

Or you just can’t believe this is really who she is and try to make excuses for her. It’s pretty common to do this. And you’d be wrong. She made that choice and it was all on her. Her actions tell you that. Words are usually lies to justify their unjustifiable actions.

If the situation was reversed and let’s say she was having to work long hours related to the pandemic would you have left her for someone else that was available?

Wake up to who she is or you’ll wallow in this longer than you need to.

Wow, this really hit me. Yeah I understand what you mean. Already making the necessary changes.

[anon77777]

26 minutes ago, tart6245 said:

There is never an excuse for cheating and if you were neglecting her, she should have told you how she felt rather than run to another man. She didn't love you nor did you mean much to her. If you did, she would never have acted the way she did. That's the harsh reality. 

You need to make a clean break from her and her family. You've lost 2 months of healing time by continuing to have contact. Once you cut them out of your life for good, you can begin to heal. She already moved on with the manager. There is no reason for you to hold onto nothing. 

Yeah you are right, she already had one foot out and then blaming me when the relationship was getting bad. She already made her decision.

Edited February 6, 2021 by anon77777

[Marc878]

In these situations they always rewrite the relationship to to suit or justify themselves.

Look up blame shifting. This is just the definition 

Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Edited February 6, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

These situations shock you upfront. Got it. 
 

However, if you read up and understand it you’ll be able to move on faster.

Some come here vent, etc. get some useful helpful advice but if you don't apply it you’ll just stay stuck.

You are the only one that can keep yourself in limbo. No one has that power over you unless you give it to them.

It seems like you get it better than most. It’ll still be hard but you’re gonna be fine.

[tart6245]

59 minutes ago, anon77777 said:

Yeah you are right, she already had one foot out and then blaming me when the relationship was getting bad. She already made her decision.

She was already spending time with this manager, going out with him constantly and telling you he was always there for her. She shifted the blame on you because she knew what she was doing was wrong, but she didn't want to feel bad about it. Cheaters always do that. "If you had only done X, I would not have done Y!" It's very typical. 

Her behavior was totally out of line and her relationship with the manager was inappropriate. She will forever spin the failure of the relationship as your fault, but the fact remains she is a cheater and always will be one. It will be hard for a while to deal with the loss, but she doesn't sound like wife material. You will bounce back and be fine. 

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, anon77777 said:

The title of the book is "The 180"? I apologise but I can't find anything on this as it is rather vague.

You can see a pretty good version by googling Chump Lady Cheater 180 - which links to an article "The Pretzel Logic of the 180". She gives the original list (which is pretty good) AND some commentary, which is geared towards making it more about walking away rather than "getting the cheater back" which is how some folks interpret the list. But the 180 isn't really about getting the person back, it's about applied Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help you move on emotionally. (This sometimes has the "side effect" of making you more desirable to the person you're leaving, but that's really not the main point.)

[anon77777]

20 hours ago, tart6245 said:

She was already spending time with this manager, going out with him constantly and telling you he was always there for her. She shifted the blame on you because she knew what she was doing was wrong, but she didn't want to feel bad about it. Cheaters always do that. "If you had only done X, I would not have done Y!" It's very typical. 

Her behavior was totally out of line and her relationship with the manager was inappropriate. She will forever spin the failure of the relationship as your fault, but the fact remains she is a cheater and always will be one. It will be hard for a while to deal with the loss, but she doesn't sound like wife material. You will bounce back and be fine. 

Yeah, I understand that. Very immature and irresponsible. There is literally no good reason to cheat.

I just hope their relationship will not work out and hope that everyone around her knows what actually happened, rather than following her narrative.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/6/2021 at 5:04 AM, anon77777 said:

Her mother made some cookies and wants to pass them to me. 

That's a lovely gesture, but it's time to start respectfully declining. 

When you break up with someone, it's not healthy to keep close to their family like this. Many of us who've been through break-ups of long-term relationships can identify with being part of the ex's family and finding it hard to let go  - but at some point, you need to bid them farewell too. 

Don't discuss your former relationship with them, either. You need to take a lot of space from her parents too, or you will never move on. It will also hurt a lot if their daughter starts bringing her new boyfriend around and requests that they reduce contact with you. 

You need to let go of everyone associated with her, for your own well-being. 

[anon77777]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's a lovely gesture, but it's time to start respectfully declining. 

When you break up with someone, it's not healthy to keep close to their family like this. Many of us who've been through break-ups of long-term relationships can identify with being part of the ex's family and finding it hard to let go  - but at some point, you need to bid them farewell too. 

Don't discuss your former relationship with them, either. You need to take a lot of space from her parents too, or you will never move on. It will also hurt a lot if their daughter starts bringing her new boyfriend around and requests that they reduce contact with you. 

You need to let go of everyone associated with her, for your own well-being. 

Yeah I understand that. 

[Marc878]

Unlike a lot you seem to have a good grasp on your situation.

That will speed up your ability to move on rather than longer in this.

[anon77777]

On 2/8/2021 at 8:44 AM, Marc878 said:

Unlike a lot you seem to have a good grasp on your situation.

That will speed up your ability to move on rather than longer in this.

Understanding and acting on can be two very different things.

I'm really trying my best. But deep down it's unfair how she gets to be happy with everyone. All of our friends are mutual friends, and I don't get how they just welcome the new guy in. None of them checked up on me, only thing they said is to "move on", as if it is that easy.

Do you think they know the situation, just that they are too coward to question her?

Why do I "lose" my friends too?

[mark clemson]

Other people may have different opinions, but ultimately other people's romantic decisions are not really our business. If she was in the midst of cheating on you, some might feel a moral obligation to inform you (others would not) but in your case, she has moved on, no?  It may not seem fair, but there's really not much they can do.

As friends to both of you, they may want to be supportive of both of you. But that support won't (for most) take the form of after-the-fact finger wagging. I think it's likely to be more support of her in her new relationship and support of you as you emotionally detach.

I think most aren't going to try to dictate to her that she should go back to you or similar (nor is it their place to particularly), or necessarily stop being her friend (or yours) due to to what happened.

I can certainly see how that might not feel particularly fair to you - another tough pill to swallow, unfortunately.  But - it is what it is.

[Marc878]

17 minutes ago, anon77777 said:

Understanding and acting on can be two very different things.

I'm really trying my best. But deep down it's unfair how she gets to be happy with everyone. All of our friends are mutual friends, and I don't get how they just welcome the new guy in. None of them checked up on me, only thing they said is to "move on", as if it is that easy.

Do you think they know the situation, just that they are too coward to question her?

Why do I "lose" my friends too?

Bud, if they side with her or want to remain neutral they are not your friends. Dump them.  

[Marc878]

21 minutes ago, anon77777 said:

Understanding and acting on can be two very different things.

I'm really trying my best. But deep down it's unfair how she gets to be happy with everyone. All of our friends are mutual friends, and I don't get how they just welcome the new guy in. None of them checked up on me, only thing they said is to "move on", as if it is that easy.

Do you think they know the situation, just that they are too coward to question her?

Why do I "lose" my friends too?

One hard blessing of infidelity is that it shows you who your real friends are, and who is a waste of space. Who can stand with vulnerability and grief, and who runs away.
This is an opportunity. Rid yourself of these people. You are better than that.

 

[Marc878]

7 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Other people may have different opinions, but ultimately other people's romantic decisions are not really our business. If she was in the midst of cheating on you, some might feel a moral obligation to inform you (others would not) but in your case, she has moved on, no?  It may not seem fair, but there's really not much they can do.

As friends to both of you, they may want to be supportive of both of you. But that support won't (for most) take the form of after-the-fact finger wagging. I think it's likely to be more support of her in her new relationship and support of you as you emotionally detach.

I think most aren't going to try to dictate to her that she should go back to you or similar (nor is it their place to particularly), or necessarily stop being her friend (or yours) due to to what happened.

I can certainly see how that might not feel particularly fair to you - another tough pill to swallow, unfortunately.  But - it is what it is.

If they are ok with her actions (supportive of infidelity) what’s that say about them?
 

You don’t need them.