Was there cheating? Emotionally?

[Marc878]

Look up definition of friend.

Loyal, honest and trustworthy.

[mark clemson]

Well, you may be right the friends, or at least some of them, but it's also true that how you (as a BS?) would feel may not reflect how many others would. I think many people tend to simply mind their own business WRT these things, rather than "judging" how their friend moved on and/or their "romantic choices". I mean, one might wonder "what are those two doing together" too, with some couples, e.g. with a big age difference or one seems very unattractive, unpleasant, or very overweight etc, but that doesn't mean you say anything. Some people might make a fuss about her cheating, but I think many simply figure it's her business, not theirs.

Of course, if OP wants to de-friend those folks he can. I personally think it's overreacting, but everyone needs to make their own choices + finding a new social set might help with moving on.

[Marc878]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Well, you may be right the friends, or at least some of them, but it's also true that how you (as a BS?) would feel may not reflect how many others would. I think many people tend to simply mind their own business WRT these things, rather than "judging" how their friend moved on and/or their "romantic choices". I mean, one might wonder "what are those two doing together" too, with some couples, e.g. with a big age difference or one seems very unattractive, unpleasant, or very overweight etc, but that doesn't mean you say anything. Some people might make a fuss about her cheating, but I think many simply figure it's her business, not theirs.

Of course, if OP wants to de-friend those folks he can. I personally think it's overreacting, but everyone needs to make their own choices + finding a new social set might help with moving on.

You are correct. I think a lot react in this manner. 
 

However, in an infidelity Situation this says they have judged that your situation doesn’t matter all that much to them (there’s  a lot of pain involved with a betrayal) so in reality they are acquaintances only. Not friends.

[Marc878]

Fact is, we judge every day. Worthy! Unworthy! Good risk! Bad risk!
The **** sandwich of dealing with the People Above Judgment is that they did judge, they just found you unworthy. But they don’t want to come out and say that. They’d rather pronounce the situation ambiguous and unknowing. We can all be friends, of course. Because that’s easier on them. Then they don’t have to make judgment calls or think of people differently, or rearrange their social calendars and seating charts. Let’s Pretend That Never Happened. Your grief isn’t nearly as important as their discomfort. 
 

So you get to judge. Are they friends?  Or just acquaintances?

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Marc878 said:

in reality they are acquaintances only

Fair enough. "Friend" is a pretty broad term. I do agree one could expect a "true" LT buddy/known since HS/best man at wedding type of friend or someone who provides a lot of  emotional support" to take your side in something like this. "Casual friends" or a "friend of the couple" maybe not so much, as they wouldn't necessarily want to be drawn in.

[Marc878]

27 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Fair enough. "Friend" is a pretty broad term. I do agree one could expect a "true" LT buddy/known since HS/best man at wedding type of friend or someone who provides a lot of  emotional support" to take your side in something like this. "Casual friends" or a "friend of the couple" maybe not so much, as they wouldn't necessarily want to be drawn in.

You’re correct. The term friend is used loosely.  But even those you had considered a friend may not be. Infidelity is a painful soul crushing thing. Under those circumstances if they choose to be neutral (when a true friend is sorely needed) they are telling you that you just don’t meant that much to them. Your pain and suffering just doesn’t matter.

What true friend abandons you in that time of need?  The cheater is happy they’ve dumped you for another and your so called friend is ok with that? So called friends have made a judgment call. They don’t want their good times interrupted. So they take a step back from you so they don’t have to be uncomfortable. You need people like that in your life for what purpose?
 

Unfortunately this happens so IMO you use that to clean up your life as you move forward. Nothing like taking out the trash to make a clean start.

 

[anon77777]

Yeah, maybe they are all just acquaintances.. I've been in radio silence for the past month or so and nobody cares or even check up. And I see them posting photos and going out with her, like you said as if nothing happened.

When I shared my emotions, they just said I should move on, and don't even bother listening to what I say. They keep cutting me off halfway asking me to move on. And that's why I'm venting everything online. No one is there for me. Even my "closest" friend said she is tired of listening to me and I should just suffer in silence alone. What the hell is this?! Her justification was that she also suffered in silence alone when she broke up, but she won't ever understand the feeling of being betrayed. In fact, nobody in our group of friends had! They treated this like a normal break up, for goodness sake.

I'm just thankful and grateful for my parents, they are still here for me. But I really don't want to burden them too. I can tell they are very tired too. So I retreat into my work, or online to vent everything.

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Infidelity is a painful soul crushing thing. Under those circumstances if they choose to be neutral (when a true friend is sorely needed) they are telling you that you just don’t meant that much to them. Your pain and suffering just doesn’t matter. What true friend abandons you in that time of need? 

There's truth to that of course. But you're also making a lot of generalizations. Not everyone is "soul crushed", some more or less shrug it off, others just get pissed off and leave without getting overly hurt, etc - they are more angry than "soul-crushed". There's a spectrum of responses, AND a spectrum of recognition and/or interest level in "being supportive" from friends. Some friends may not recognize the hurt, or may not have much interest in being drawn in to "their problems" etc.

I do agree that one should expect a true major LT friend to be sympathetic and supportive at least - that's completely reasonable. For casual friends one can't really count on any of that. C'est la vie. Many won't particularly want to be drawn in to other couples' "domestic squabbles" and similar.

Of course, one can choose who one stays friends with, so OP you are free to "dismiss" any friends as you see fit. Overall, you can have any expectations of your friends you think are reasonable, just don't be too surprised if many/most disappoint you (as has happened). As I said above, though, a new social set might be a good thing for you.

[Marc878]

Bud, you were together 8 yrs and planning to get married plus she was cheating. This wasn’t just a breakup. Like in college or high school.

They don’t want their lifestyle interrupted by you.

IMO you need a different set of acquaintances. These aren’t friends. Plus why would you want to be around her? I’m assuming they all run together. Trust me your acquaintances don’t want you around. It makes them feel awkward. 

You probably should fix your picker.

Download “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover if you haven’t.  It’s a free pdf download.

it’s not long and may help you if you apply it.

 

[Marc878]

21 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

There's truth to that of course. But you're also making a lot of generalizations. Not everyone is "soul crushed", some more or less shrug it off, others just get pissed off and leave without getting overly hurt, etc - they are more angry than "soul-crushed". There's a spectrum of responses, AND a spectrum of recognition and/or interest level in "being supportive" from friends. Some friends may not recognize the hurt, or may not have much interest in being drawn in to "their problems" etc.

I do agree that one should expect a true major LT friend to be sympathetic and supportive at least - that's completely reasonable. For casual friends one can't really count on any of that. C'est la vie. Many won't particularly want to be drawn in to other couples' "domestic squabbles" and similar.

Of course, one can choose who one stays friends with, so OP you are free to "dismiss" any friends as you see fit. Overall, you can have any expectations of your friends you think are reasonable, just don't be too surprised if many/most disappoint you (as has happened). As I said above, though, a new social set might be a good thing for you.

Nope, I’m sure not. 

anon77777 is deeply hurt though isn’t he?

I’ve never seen anyone cheated on that wasn’t at least hurt by it and I’ve seen a lot.

These people are not friends. They maybe friendly on their terms but that’s all.

Edited February 12, 2021 by Marc878

[mark clemson]

6 minutes ago, Marc878 said:

I’ve never seen anyone cheated on that wasn’t at least hurt by it and I’ve seen a lot.

Sure "hurt" but some people channel it into anger or disdain and just walk, others are quick to forgive, etc. Not everyone falls into existential despair or what have you. People process the "hurt" in many different ways. We see most of those on this board, so I'm not sure why you'd disagree. And this board is no doubt a biased sample, since people who really aren't that bothered probably wouldn't bother to post their story as part of "processing" their feelings. But sure, most people are "hurt" at least somewhat.

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, anon77777 said:

Yeah, maybe they are all just acquaintances.. I've been in radio silence for the past month or so and nobody cares or even check up. And I see them posting photos and going out with her, like you said as if nothing happened.

They are more concerned about their life and happiness. You don’t count 

When I shared my emotions, they just said I should move on, and don't even bother listening to what I say. They keep cutting me off halfway asking me to move on.
 

They don’t want to be bothered. You are interrupted their lifestyle.

And that's why I'm venting everything online. No one is there for me. Even my "closest" friend said she is tired of listening to me and I should just suffer in silence alone. What the hell is this?! Her justification was that she also suffered in silence alone when she broke up, but she won't ever understand the feeling of being betrayed. In fact, nobody in our group of friends had! They treated this like a normal break up, for goodness sake.

A betrayal is a hurtful thing that rises above a mere breakup. Still she lacks empathy. Step back and reevaluate.  

I'm just thankful and grateful for my parents, they are still here for me. But I really don't want to burden them too. I can tell they are very tired too. So I retreat into my work, or online to vent everything.

You do have to move on. Under the circumstances I would not put myself in the position of hanging out with these people and having to be around her and her new boyfriend.

Join a gym, take some classes now that you have time, anything that you’ve wanted to do but never had time for. I would not jump into another relationship for awhile. Getting into a rebound situation is the worst thing you could do at this time.

Know and understand what a friend is. I only have a few but if I called or needed them they’d come quick. 

I like you have a lot of acquaintances. They maybe friendly but they aren’t friends.

You'll learn a lot through this so apply it.

Edited February 12, 2021 by Marc878

[Marc878]

10 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Sure "hurt" but some people channel it into anger or disdain and just walk, others are quick to forgive, etc. Not everyone falls into existential despair or what have you. People process the "hurt" in many different ways. We see most of those on this board, so I'm not sure why you'd disagree. And this board is no doubt a biased sample, since people who really aren't that bothered probably wouldn't bother to post their story as part of "processing" their feelings. But sure, most people are "hurt" at least somewhat.

I disagree because we’re discussing the OP not other people in general.

However, most use the term “friend” loosely. Look up the definition.

These situations are common and from what I’ve seen apply to most.

I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.

[anon77777]

6 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Bud, you were together 8 yrs and planning to get married plus she was cheating. This wasn’t just a breakup. Like in college or high school.

They don’t want their lifestyle interrupted by you.

IMO you need a different set of acquaintances. These aren’t friends. Plus why would you want to be around her? I’m assuming they all run together. Trust me your acquaintances don’t want you around. It makes them feel awkward. 

You probably should fix your picker.

Download “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover if you haven’t.  It’s a free pdf download.

it’s not long and may help you if you apply it.

 

Sigh, that is the reality. Marriage and all, and she kept everything from me until the final moment, when she had the manager stable to go to. Indeed, this is not just a normal break up, I think you can actually say my fiancé actually left me! Since we already had the rings made together. Double the hurt, I would say!

Yeah, I need new friends. Like I said, all our friends are mutual, so I really have to "cut" all of them out. I can try to be "friendly" to them.

Yes, I have downloaded the book, I am currently reading it right now. A point to note in the book is to have a support group, but I doubt there is any of those groups in my country.

Edited February 12, 2021 by anon77777

[Marc878]

9 minutes ago, anon77777 said:

Sigh, that is the reality. Marriage and all, and she kept everything from me until the final moment, when she had the manager stable to go to. Indeed, this is not just a normal break up, I think you can actually say my fiancé actually left me! Since we already had the rings made together. Double the hurt, I would say!

Yeah, I need new friends. Like I said, all our friends are mutual, so I really have to "cut" all of them out. I can try to be "friendly" to them.

Yes, I have downloaded the book, I am currently reading it right now. A point to note in the book is to have a support group, but I doubt there is any of those groups in my country.

I’d be civil if I ran into them but that’s as far as I’d go. You don’t need them.

Your problem is she’ll be around with her new boyfriend. Not a place you want to put yourself in. You’ll be fine. Just invest in yourself and other things. Write down your ideas. Spend time doing some fun stuff with your parents. You have to find a way, something so you don’t dwell on this. It’s over and long term you’ll be better off. Think if you’d married her, had kids and she did this. You just don’t realize how lucky you are.
 

Concentrate on your work, studies. You can’t think of two things at once.

[anon77777]

6 hours ago, Marc878 said:

You do have to move on. Under the circumstances I would not put myself in the position of hanging out with these people and having to be around her and her new boyfriend.

Join a gym, take some classes now that you have time, anything that you’ve wanted to do but never had time for. I would not jump into another relationship for awhile. Getting into a rebound situation is the worst thing you could do at this time.

Know and understand what a friend is. I only have a few but if I called or needed them they’d come quick. 

I like you have a lot of acquaintances. They maybe friendly but they aren’t friends.

You'll learn a lot through this so apply it.

Also this, I am not in any hurry to get into a new relationship. Screw that.

Besides work and studies, I'm also reading all the materials other people, and you, have suggested. Also bought some books to read to spend my time. Meanwhile, I also got back to working out in the gym regularly, 3 times a week at least. It's always the weekends and holiday seasons which are harder to pass.

I'm staying away from everyone now, like I said. I think they had enough of "my s***".

[Marc878]

You doing better?

[anon77777]

On 2/28/2021 at 7:29 AM, Marc878 said:

You doing better?

Hey, thanks for checking up on me. I really appreciate that someone is looking out for me. Yeah, I am much better than before. Though I still cannot say that I am fully healed.

Recently, I bumped into her and her manager, and her best friend, while shopping alone. I know she saw me, and I was ready to just give a cheerful look behind the mask. But all of them refused to look up! All of them kept their eyes glued to their phones and walked past me. This happened twice in the mall, which I find it quite amusing. Guilty conscious from all of them? Haha.. Surprisingly, I thought I will be extremely upset, but I felt nothing, some what indifferent.

I still have some stuff at her place but I think she is refusing to give them back to me, and also my childhood soft toy which of course has much sentimental value, I let her "take care" of it when we first got together. I kind of just gave up..

Edited March 22, 2021 by anon77777

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, anon77777 said:

Hey, thanks for checking up on me. I really appreciate that someone is looking out for me. Yeah, I am much better than before. Though I still cannot say that I am fully healed.

Normal. It takes awhile.

Recently, I bumped into her and her manager, and her best friend, while shopping alone. I know she saw me, and I was ready to just give a cheerful look behind the mask. But all of them refused to look up! All of them kept their eyes glued to their phones and walked past me. This happened twice in the mall, which I find it quite amusing. Guilty conscious from all of them? Haha.. Surprisingly, I thought I will be extremely upset, but I felt nothing, some what indifferent.

Good. You’re getting there. You didn’t lose much.

I still have some stuff at her place but I think she is refusing to give them back to me, and also my childhood soft toy which of course has much sentimental value, I let her "take care" of it when we first got together. I kind of just gave up..

Take a good look. Very immature/childish. 

Did you finish No More Mr Nice Guy?

You should learn she was a want but you don’t need her.

Get back to finishing your education. That’ll keep you occupied. You need to stay away from relationships for awhile or you’ll end up in a rebound. Don’t go there!
 

You're doing well. Keep it up.
 

 

Edited March 22, 2021 by Marc878

[anon77777]

On 3/22/2021 at 2:18 PM, Marc878 said:

Take a good look. Very immature/childish. 

I do not understand this, this is referring to her or me? As far as I know, she is refusing to reply me when I try to ask back for my soft toy, and other stuff.

Did you finish No More Mr Nice Guy?

You should learn she was a want but you don’t need her.

Get back to finishing your education. That’ll keep you occupied. You need to stay away from relationships for awhile or you’ll end up in a rebound. Don’t go there!
 

You're doing well. Keep it up.
 

 

Been spending 5 days a week after work going to the gym, the other 2 days I usually spend time with my family and friends.

As for No More Mr Nice Guy, I'm only done with it half way. It's taking quite some time for me as I need to process and understand how to apply what is written in the book to me. It's my first time reading such an in depth self-help material. I feel it will be useless if I just go through the entire book quickly, like fiction.

And yes, I'm definitely staying out of relationships for now.

Edited March 29, 2021 by anon77777

[Marc878]

Good for you. What do you think so far?

[anon77777]

On 3/29/2021 at 12:25 PM, Marc878 said:

Good for you. What do you think so far?

Taking things a day at a time for now, trying to focus on myself and getting back on track in my graduate studies. The book is also good, as most of the points mentioned were valid and applicable to me, of course not wholesale.

You mentioned "Take a good look. Very immature/childish." in your previous post.
I do not understand this, this is referring to her or me? As far as I know, she is refusing to reply me when I try to ask back for my soft toy, and other stuff.

[Marc878]

3 minutes ago, anon77777 said:

Taking things a day at a time for now, trying to focus on myself and getting back on track in my graduate studies. The book is also good, as most of the points mentioned were valid and applicable to me, of course not wholesale.

You mentioned "Take a good look. Very immature/childish." in your previous post.
I do not understand this, this is referring to her or me? As far as I know, she is refusing to reply me when I try to ask back for my soft toy, and other stuff.

I was referring to Her.
Not giving your stuff back and pretending she didn’t see you in the mall.

As time goes by you’ll realize you didn’t lose much. She’s acting like a young teenager.

Id just cut her off and block her on everything.  What she’s got of yours is just stuff.  Not worth the hassle to you.

She’ll fade quickly with zero contact.

[anon77777]

I see, I was a little confused by what you said back there.

I'm already on no contact with her since I made this post. No issues on that. But I will still try to get my things back, one way or another. Those are from my mum, and I really want to have them back.

Edited March 31, 2021 by anon77777

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, anon77777 said:

I'm already on no contact with her since I made this post. No issues on that. But I will still try to get my things back, one way or another. Those are from my mum, and I really want to have them back.

I hate to break it to you but NC & getting your stuff back are mutually exclusive.  You have to communicate to arrange the transfer.  Since this thread was started almost 2 months ago, how can you be sure that she hasn't disposed of your stuff already?  Stop dragging your feet on this issue.  It may already be too late.  

Edited March 31, 2021 by d0nnivain